Tip: Forget About Being Likable

Believe it or not, I used to care what people think. Yes, it’s true. There was a time when I placed great stock in the opinion of others and what people said. Maybe it was because I wanted to fit in and feared being that lone ‘ugly duckling,’ or maybe I subconsciously worried about my disability getting in the way of things. Whatever the reason, I just knew that I really, really, really wanted people to like me.

The questions roamed around endlessly in my head…

–Did I just say the right thing?
–Did I do that wrong?
–Am I wearing the right shirt?
–Do they think I’m stupid?
–Will they remember my mistake forever?

It all can become quite overwhelming rather quickly. And it did. Obviously, trying to be everything to everyone leaves little room for you to be yourself. But then I read Nigerian author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s wise words on the trappings of likability, and her advice was like a shot of truth to my heart…

I think that what our society teaches young girls, and I think it’s also something that’s quite difficult for even older women and self-professed feminists to shrug off, is that idea that likability is an essential part of you, of the space you occupy in the world, that you’re supposed to twist yourself into shapes to make yourself likable, that you’re supposed to hold back sometimes, pull back, don’t quite say, don’t be too pushy, because you have to be likable. 


So what I want to say to young girls is forget about likability. If you start thinking about being likable you are not going to tell your story honestly, because you are going to be so concerned with not offending, and that’s going to ruin your story, so forget about likability. And also the world is such a wonderful, diverse, and multifaceted place that there’s somebody who’s going to like you; you don’t need to twist yourself into shapes.

That’s the key, I think. If life is about telling your story and telling it honestly, there’s no time for worrying about what people think. The minute you start taking time to consider how people are going to perceive you? Well, it’s almost as if you’re censoring yourself; that’s not fair to you or anyone else. Ever.

And, really, think about it: People already have so much going on in their lives, and like my sister always says, “Do you think they’re actually going to remember this in the grand scheme of things?” Now, that’s not to say that they don’t care about you. It just means that people probably aren’t nearly as attuned to your life and behavior as you think they are. Do you remember what your co-worker said in that meeting yesterday? What was your sister wearing last weekend? What was the punchline of that corny joke your doctor told you during your last visit?

Translation: Everyone’s got their own stuff that they’re dealing with.

And here’s another thing about getting people to like you — “getting” is the keyword. If you have to get someone to like you, if it takes some sort of extraordinary measure, doesn’t the whole thing just reek of fakeness? It’s like that old adage we learned as children: If you have to bribe someone to be your friend, then maybe they’re not worth having as a friend. Because, really, when it comes down to it, that’s not what true friendship is all about. It’s about those gives and takes that truly define a friendship. In the end, that’s what makes you likable, and, really, the only think that matters.

Do you put a high price on what people think of you, friends? Has it changed over the years? How have you balanced your desire to be likable with your need to just be yourself? What advice do you have for those struggling with the issue these days? Let’s chat, shall we? xoxo

[Photos via We Heart It]

Wise Words on Crying

Do you remember the last time you cried? I’ve shred a few tears over some petty frustrations, but the last time I had a good cry — you know, the kind that wells up from the depths of your stomach and unleashes a flood of never-ending tears — was during the throes of my depression close to five years ago.

I still remember the terror I’d feel when those tears would come on because I felt so out of control. I had no idea where these feelings were coming from, but I was sure of one thing: I couldn’t stop them. They raged through me with a force I’d never experienced before. They demanded to be felt and to be heard and to be given some sort of voice, no matter how little. So I cried. And cried. And cried. I hadn’t cried that much since my father’s suicide. Crying has a sneaky way of making you feel like you’re out of control; it’s almost like you’re on a high-speed merry-go-round that you’re stuck on. Crying hijacks your heart and preys on your emotions.

Maybe that’s why I started to feel weak. From a young age, we’re told that crying is the ultimate sign of weakness. We’re discouraged from crying, told to “man up” and “get control” before our emotions get the best of us for good. The last thing we ever want to feel is vulnerable, so we try so hard to keep holding onto that control. Sometimes we can even trick ourselves into believing that we’ve somehow mastered the art of not crying, as if it was a prize of sorts. Not crying becomes a badge of honor, and we want to wear it proudly.

But here’s the catch: We can’t keep this sort of strength up forever. The pace becomes even more exhausting than the crying itself. You can’t run. You have to face it. Head-on and with all the fearlessness you can muster.

My mom has given me some of the best advice about crying, especially in the first couple years after my father’s suicide. She’d always say, “Sometimes it takes more courage to cry. Crying is a sign of strength, not weakness.”

She’s exactly right, don’t you think? Have your views on crying changed over the years? Do you allow yourself to be vulnerable? I know I’ve said this before, but I’m so grateful for this amazing community. Thank you, friends, for always letting me be vulnerable, and I hope you’re never afraid to share your feelings as well… xoxo

4 Things All Mothers Should Know

I started thinking about this post last week to coincide with Mother’s Day, and although the holiday has come and gone, I’d like to think there’s no expiration date on these four little nuggets. After all, words from the heart are always welcome and appreciated, right? As daughters, we look to our mothers as both a role model and a friend. We listen (or at least try to…) to every pearl of wisdom, each piece of advice and all those important warnings about life. We try to take everything in as best as we can, and as we get older, it’s important to thank our moms. To offer them a little reassurance for all those years of reassurance that they gave us. So, listen up, Moms of the World! Here are four things we want you to know…

1. We think you’re pretty darn cool: With our terrible teen years behind us, we’ve realized that you never actually stopped being cool. We just became goth and moody. Sorry about that.

2. We’re still listening: I know it may seem like we don’t need your advice anymore, but I can guarantee we do. In fact, I think we’ll always need it. And chances are, you’ll also always be that little voice we hear in the back of our heads. That’s OK. We actually wouldn’t have it any other way.

3. We still want to make you proud: The older I get (I’ll be 34 in August!), the more I’m realizing that wanting your parents’ approval is something you never really outgrow. You always want to “do right” by them, whether you’re 6 or 66.

4. We’ll always love you: You’ve protected us as only a mama bear could and made sure we knew just how loved we were, so I hope you know that we’ll always do the same for you.

A BIG thanks to Moms everywhere! We certainly wouldn’t be who we are without you! You did a pretty darn good job! xoxo

[Photo via We Heart It]

How To Break Bad Habits

A few years ago, I alluded to bad habits and fessed up to some of my own: My sometimes-inflated level of self-esteem, my love of weekend leisure time and my love of sweets.

It turned out to be rather liberating, this massive truth telling, but I’ve noticed over the years that there are still a number of “bad habits” that I just can’t seem to shake for good. Five of my “greatest hits,” as I like to call them…

*Biting my nails
*Snacking before bed
*Eavesdropping (though I chalk that one up to the journalist in me)
*Worrying and fixating on things I can’t change
*Being Ms. Bossy

Well, SELF recently wrote an interesting article on what to do when you can’t seem to break a bad habit, and the advice sounds pretty logical. The secret: Replace the old habit with a new one.

“Here’s the place where most people fail when they’re [trying to] change behaviors. They start by saying, ‘I need to stop biting my nails.’ Now, the problem with that is that’s a negative goal. Why is that a problem? Because it’s something you don’t want to do. And the reason that that’s a problem is because your habit learning system is an active system. It wants to associate behaviors with the environment. If you say I don’t want to do something, then what you’re doing is focusing yourself on not acting.”

Because our brains are more adept at implementing news skills as opposed to unlearning those bad ones, researchers say it’s more productive in the long-run to develop a healthy new habit to divert your attention away from the old one.

It sounds like common sense, right? Sounds a bit like my father’s hard drive analogy. It might take a bit of focus (OK, a lot of focus!), but it has to be better than my Pop-Tart cravings that seem to strike at midnight like clockwork.

What are some of your bad habits, friends? Have they gotten worse over the years? Have they changed? What tips do you have for getting rid of them one and for all? xoxo

P.S. Totally random: Now I’ve got Chicago’s “Hard Habit To Break” stuck in my head. How do I break that habit….hahaha! :)

[Photo via We Heart It]

10 Answers From My Mother

On Tuesday, I posed these 10 questions to my mother in an effort to get to know her better. Her hopes. Her dreams. Her advice to my generation. And in typical Ms. Bear fashion, she wasn’t shy about unleashing her thoughts. Take a look at her answers…

1. What’s your fondest memory from childhood?
My fondest memory from childhood has to be going on a two-week vacation every summer to Pentwater, Michigan. My dad cooked pancakes every single morning! We swam until we could swim no more. There were 72 steps leading from our cabin to the beach and we were up and down them all day.

2. How has your mother influenced your life?
My mother influenced my life in every single way. She was both a role model and a friend to me. I miss her every day and I still, to this day, ask myself, “What would my mother do?”

3. Did you always want to be a mom? Why?
I wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I had Melissa’s name picked out when I was still a kid myself.

4. If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be?
If I could change one thing about my past it would have to be that I would slow down and appreciate every little minute of every day. I would have put that newspaper down in the mornings when I was visiting my parents and really listened to what they had to say!

5. What is one thing you’d like to say to today’s generation?
To today’s generation…..It’s not all about you!!!

6. What’s the biggest lesson marriage taught you?
The biggest lesson marriage taught me is you have to compromise!!!

7. What’s the most adventurous thing you’ve ever done? Was it worth it?
The most adventurous thing I ever did was survive after Brian died. I never thought I could do it and I did! It was totally worth it, to reclaim my own life and carry on.

8. If you could go back to any stage of motherhood, where would you go and why?
If I could go back to any stage of motherhood (and believe me, I wouldn’t!) it would be when Melissa was 10 and Janelle 6. Wonderful family times!

9. What was your #1 fear as a new mother? Your #1 joy?
My number one fear as a new mom was that I would do something wrong. My number one joy was holding the girls as they slept.

10. What is one thing you’d like to ask your daughters?
One thing I would like to ask my daughters is, “Are you ok? Was I a good mom?“

**Response from Melissa: Ms. Bear, you are THE BEST MOM EVER!!! Don’t ever forget that. I am grateful for you each and every day! xoxo