Ms. Bear: On Hurting, Healing and Happiness

HealingJune 10th. I remember Brian and I smiling ear to ear after we picked the date for our wedding. You know, the giddiness of the newly engaged and all. Just thinking about that makes me smile. As I enjoyed this memory, it got me thinking about the long and winding trajectory that lets me sit here, by my open kitchen window, right around the time Brian and I were married and actually smiling. You see, after someone you love dies, a funny thing happens. For me, I can’t pinpoint when the healing started, but I can see the results of it as I sit here, wrapped in my happy memories of my wedding day.

Year one was what I call the “Ugly Year.” Lots of crying, some yelling, a few objects being thrown…well, you get the idea. Suicide leaves behind an anger that I hope I never have to experience again. Then, year two turned into something I call the “Lonely Year.” There were lots and lots of tears, lots of listening to Norah Jones as I drove to Panera for soup just to get some time alone in the car to cry and cry (and still yell a bit too, if I am being honest!). There was the time I hit my head on an end table and had to drive myself to the ER as I held a towel to my bleeding head, screaming at Brian the whole time about why he ever thought it was OK to leave me behind with our two beautiful daughters, who were suffering as much, or even more, than I was. I always said it was like we were underwater in the first few years, but only one of us was able to get to land at a time. We honestly couldn’t help each other very much, as we were lost in the sea of suicide survivor grief. We were helpless in the depths of a hurricane.

But, then something happened. Each year that has passed has brought more peace and healing to our lives. The violent dreams have turned to dreams of Brian how he used to be, not how I found him or how he was when he had cancer. He laughs in the dreams now, and I laugh along with him. He looks healthy and strong and it is a gift to finally remember him that way.

HealingNow, on my anniversary or his birthday or March 10th, the day he died, I remember him with happiness. I don’t need to stay in bed all day the way I did the first couple of years. Oh, sure, we still get sad, but to be honest, I welcome the sadness; it is a testament to what I have lost. But, in getting lost for all those years during the healing, I have also found myself again, and for that I am thankful. I have healed, and I hope that wherever Brian is, he is healed too.

Happy anniversary, Brian. I’ll see you in my dreams…

Ms. Bear: What I’ve Learned As a Suicide Survivor

Suicide SurvivorIt’s no secret that my mom has a way of saying things that are at once both calming and reaffirming. She’s been through a lot, and yet, she remains the strongest woman I know. I’m so grateful to have her on the blog today sharing her wisdom and insight as a suicide survivor. She’s definitely one you want to have in your corner… xoxo

Sixteen years! Sixteen years? Sixteen years. No matter what type of punctuation follows those two little words, it is still unbelievable to me that I have been a widow for that long. When I was married at age 22, if anyone had told me I would be a widow at age 47, I never would have believed it. Actually, there are times I still can’t believe that much time has passed. I feel like I have some insight into what it is like to be a suicide survivor and I have learned so much about this process and about myself over all these years.

The first thing I learned is that living after a loved one’s suicide is survivable. When Brian first died, I remember thinking to myself that the girls and I would never make it. The girls seemed so fragile to me. Melissa had her physical challenges and Janelle had her mental health issues. We all had our issues with the suicide and the anger that it brought us. It was pretty ugly around our house for a couple of years. It seemed that one of us would be doing better, but the other two couldn’t respond because we were still feeling like we were underwater. Then the next day, the situation would be reversed. We were never all OK at the same time. It’s hard to show empathy to someone when you are drowning yourself.

I also learned that the grief of suicide can be too much for many people. I remember talking to various professionals and feeling that they had no clue! It’s one thing to read about suicide grief in school, but quite another to be facing someone across from you who is just a shell of a person. How do you help them? Sometimes the best you can do is just sit there. Oftentimes there were no words that could help. The biggest thing that helped me was hearing my therapist tell me, every week for 7 years, that I had been through a terrible trauma and that I had to deal with the trauma before I could face the grief. She was so right. There was a page in a book I read that saved my life, as I read it over and over… it was called ‘What to Do If You Found the Body‘ from the book “Healing Your Traumatized Heart” and explained the process people go through with a violent death.

So often in suicide, we gloss over the sheer horror of what survivors have experienced in favor of the more socially acceptable and sanitary stages of grief. “Oh, she’s in the anger stage” or “She’s depressed” instead of “She’s reliving finding the body every minute of every day.” Not everyone can hear what the survivors need to say.

Suicide SurvivorWe had to change psychiatrists several times. One cancelled an appointment on Melissa because she didn’t fill out the paperwork ahead of time. Seriously, she couldn’t even write her name and they wanted her to fill out a packet of papers! Another just couldn’t be supportive of us and sort of dropped us…never returned calls and that sort of thing, even as both the girls were in and out of the hospital with depression. We were so fragile that these incidents threw us into a tailspin. But, we knew we needed help and we finally found what we needed so the healing could begin.

Suicide survivors learn quickly who are safe people to talk to about their grief. But, in some cases, it takes longer to realize who is a safe person and who is not. It’s especially problematic when others are grieving the same loss that you are, only in their own way. Sometimes there is no resolution.
Suicide survivors should not be asked how their loved one died. If they want to talk about it, they will. Again, survivors have a keen sense of who is safe to share with and who is not.

Above all, never tell a suicide survivor how to grieve or how long they should grieve (this actually goes for any type of death). Never ask a widow if they are going to get married again. Never say their spouse was selfish for killing themselves. Never compare anyone’s grief to yours. All grief is painful and it is certainly not a contest!

What can you do for a suicide survivor? You can sit in silence. You can bring a meal. You can remember them on anniversaries, no matter how long it has been. You can tell them you are there for them, and then be there. You can be gentle with them if they are struggling. The best thing you can do for a suicide survivor (and anyone grieving) is to talk about the person they lost, use their name and share memories. These are the things I needed, and still need, after losing Brian.

Suicide SurvivorI am so thankful for all the safe people in my life. I couldn’t have made it without them! So, if you know a suicide survivor, strive to be that person that they know will be there for them, no matter what. It is a precious gift!

Why We Must Keep Talking About Suicide

SuicideAs we all know, the topics of suicide and mental health have dominated the news for the last week. Following the deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, we’ve all tried to make sense of what happened, and experts have all weighed in on things like depression and how to best help someone who is struggling.

What happens when some time passes and people start to “move on”? A few days go by, then a few weeks and then a few months. Before we know it, years have passed and, well, other things have filled the news and other headlines have captured our attention.

But what about the people who live those suicide headlines every day — the ones who don’t have the luxury of moving on to the next news cycle? How can we not forget them?

I’ve been thinking about that a lot this week. Yesterday, I shared my Harper’s Bazaar essay, but even now, I’m struggling to find the right words to say. I’m one of those people who know all too well that the pain that suicide leaves doesn’t just automatically go away once the news cycle refreshes itself. Losing my father to suicide is something I live with every single day, and I doubt its something I’ll ever “get over,” whatever that even means. Granted, I’ve worked hard to integrate my grief into my life so it doesn’t dominate my every waking thought, but there’s no denying that this hole left in my heart will be there forever. And maybe that’s OK?

Something else that is also OK? Keeping the conversation going surrounding suicide and mental health. In fact, I’d say that it’s more than OK — it’s necessary. Right now and especially going forward. We need to keep talking about the most basic signs and symptoms and about ways to get help (especially if you can’t afford it) and how to talk to someone in crisis and common myths and misconceptions and how we can become an advocate and how rates are rising and, in particular, how rates are rising faster for women than for men. Also, we can’t forget to keep talking about the very way we talk about it all, especially for journalists and why it’s so important to learn about responsible reporting.

In short: TALK, TALK, TALK, TALK.

Luckily, I have so many writer friends who have been publishing wonderful pieces on suicide and mental health this week. I was going to include these in tomorrow’s Link List, but this is such an important conversation we’re having, so I thought it deserved its own post. Here are four must-read essays that are making a difference…

“When my mother died, I felt isolated; I couldn’t remember knowing anyone personally who had lost a loved one to suicide. Since then, I’ve learned that several friends had faced such loss, but their families had wanted them to keep the circumstances silent; since then, a few of my closest friends have lost loved ones to suicide. It’s a common form of grief, just not a commonly talked about one. It helps to know we are not alone. It helps to talk about suicide loss, to give this often-stigmatized grief air and light so we can process, heal, and let go of lingering ghosts of shame.” —Gayle Brandeis (“How We Talk About Kate Spade Could Help Others Survive“)

“I won’t share the details of either death but a quick perusal of the news reveals every suicide coverage mistake: details about how they died, quotes from Spade’s suicide note, stories that examine their deaths but fail to provide information about suicide prevention resources to save others’ lives. We know suicide contagion is real. We know how to write responsibly about suicide, but we aren’t doing it. And every time I read one of these articles, I wonder who else is reading it and hope to god they aren’t on the brink. I hope that learning we’ve lost yet another life to suicide won’t leave them feeling as hopeless as I feel.” —Jody Allard (“Suicide Contagion Is Real So Why Aren’t We Writing About It Ethically?“)

“Depression lies. It tricks you into believing that your death wouldn’t devastate your loved ones but liberate them. It doesn’t feel like you’re abandoning them; it feels like you’re freeing them from the burden that is you and your illness. You feel like you are doing the world a service by leaving it. Suicide becomes a misguided act of selflessness, the furthest possible motivation from selfishness. Kate Spade was wealthy, famous and successful. She had anything and everything she could ever want. Except mental health. Her brain wasn’t functioning correctly.” —Jen Simon (“To a Deeply Depressed Mother, Suicide Isn’t Selfish…“)

“If I were speaking to someone else who felt this way, I would say, “It’s OK. You can be 100% grateful for your life and still feel depressed. Depression is not a choice. Depression is a chronic mental illness, and it doesn’t make you bad or broken or selfish.” And still, I struggle to believe that for myself. But I am working on it.” —Erin Khar (“I Have Compassion for Everyone Struggling With Depression — Except Me“)

SuicideThe moral of this post? Never, ever be afraid to talk, friends! I see you. I hear you. I love you. And, most importantly, I’m here for you. Always. xoxo

[Photos via We Heart It]

My Essay on Harper’s Bazaar: “To Kate Spade’s Daughter…From Someone Who Has Been There”

Kate SpadeLast week was hard. It was hard and emotional and incredibly heartbreaking. Like so many, I was saddened to hear of both Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain’s deaths from suicide.

I’ll be doing a longer post tomorrow about why we need to keep talking about suicide and mental health because, of course, there’s a lot to unpack and process there, but last week?? My heart immediately went out to Kate Spade’s daughter, Frances. She didn’t lose Kate Spade the Fashion Icon. She lost Kate Spade the Mom. At 13. And, as I’ve shared over the years, the death of a parent from suicide leaves you reeling — for so many years.

So maybe it’s no surprise that I knew I had to write something to Frances. Because, well, I’ve been there. I wrote an open letter to her about what I wish someone had told me right after my father died. The essay is my first for Harper’s Bazaar. This was an emotional one to put into words, but I hope it brings some comfort to those left behind.

Here’s an excerpt of the piece, which I sincerely hope Frances is able to read someday when she’s ready…

I’d tell her that she shouldn’t be afraid to talk about it. Even in 2018, people still don’t know what to say or how to offer support to those left behind, mostly because the topic of suicide makes them uncomfortable and there’s still such a stigma attached to it, but people want to help. There’s power in telling your story, and although I’ve probably told the same stories more than once, I know the simple act of giving words to what I went through has helped to heal my heart.

Little by little, the light will start to peek through the storm clouds. Her grief might still be there, but right next to it will be tiny slivers of hope. I hope she’ll embrace those moments of hope and know that grief and hope can co-exist together harmoniously, like the two sides of a coin.

The bond between a parent and child is like a deeply rooted tree. Storms may cause the tree to sway back and forth, but its roots remain firmly planted. That bond will never break. And neither will my connection to my father. Like that tree, it will always be there, the light forever glowing against its leaves.

I’ve been reading all the comments on my essay over the last week and wanted to thank you all so much for reading and sharing! It means a lot that we’re having these conversations and working to #EndTheStigma together.

You can read the full piece here and I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to email me anytime at mellow1422@aol.com and let’s chat! And of course, feel free to share my essay on Facebook, Twitter or even your local refrigerator. If you share on Twitter, be sure to tag me @melissablake so we can connect! I can’t wait to hear from you! Love you all! And please, know that you’re NEVER alone. You can always call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255).

My Essay on Ravishly: “Why Logan Paul’s Suicide Victim Video Hurts People Like Me”

suicide victim video

My first byline of 2018 also happens to be on a subject close to my heart. I got to write a response to YouTuber Logan Paul’s suicide victim video and the damage it can do to survivors of suicide like myself. As someone left in the wake of suicide’s devastation, I’m appalled that anyone would think this type of video is acceptable. The second I heard about this video, I knew I had to write about it.

And then last week, Paul released a PSA video, which fell flat to many people, including myself. Nice try, but one video does not make Paul a suicide prevention advocate! A calculated PR stunt has NOTHING to do with raising suicide awareness and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that he’s obviously learned nothing from all this… #TooLittleTooLate

Here’s an excerpt of the essay, which made me realize that I really like writing these more timely pieces and hope to write more this year…

But as is often the case when celebrities are caught behaving badly, Paul’s words and YouTube’s actions are too little, too late. Because things aren’t nearly as easy for people like me.

Unlike Paul, survivors of suicide can’t just delete a video or close our laptops and just go on to something else.
As much as we can “move on,” whatever that means, we will always carry the pain of our loss wherever we go and whatever we do. There’s no “out of sight, out of mind” for us, and, sadly, there never will be.

Suicide is devastating, plain and simple. But what’s even more troubling in all of this? Paul’s seeming inability to realize the full ramifications of his actions, despite taking the video down and issuing an apology. Because for me, suicide isn’t something that can be dealt with in a simple apology video. Maybe Paul’s intentions were good, and maybe he really has learned a valuable lesson in all of this. I just wish the trauma felt by suicide survivors didn’t come at the expense of his “lesson.”

Please, please remember that suicide is nothing to make light of or use for shock value. There are people behind each suicide. And if you’re suffering, know that you’re not alone…help is available! Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK.

You can read the full essay here and I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to email me anytime at mellow1422@aol.com and let’s chat! And of course, feel free to share my essay on Facebook, Twitter or even your local refrigerator. If you share on Twitter, be sure to tag me @melissablake so we can connect! I can’t wait to hear from you! Love you all… xoxo