my father's suicide Archives - So About What I Said

Friday, August 3, 2018

My Essay on The Week: “The Priceless Nostalgia of Childhood Family Road Trips”

I’ve written a lot about family over the years, but my newest essay is definitely one of my favorites! It’s my first for The Week and it’s all about the family road trips that marked my childhood in such a powerful and profound way! I originally wrote it back in March and I’d been trying to place it for the last couple months. Summer was coming to an end! I was worried I’d have to save it for next year and then…BAM!!

Summer is a season that evokes such incredible sense memories, you know? When I was writing this, even all the way back in the cold days of March, I could just feel summer with every word I typed. That summer vibe, complete with its warm sun and fresh-cut grass smell, just filled my soul with childhood nostalgia. It actually made me yearn for a bygone era and those classic days of yore.

In fact, after I wrote the intro paragraph, I remember thinking, “Wow, I’ve certainly seen America, haven’t I…” I say this to my mom a lot, but I am so grateful to my parents for the childhood they gave me — a childhood full of life and adventures. That’s a gift that I will carry with me forever! Those family road trips were so magical!

Here’s an excerpt of the piece, in which I namedrop my love for a certain late ’90s teen pop queen whose music I still bop to all the time — music that, to this day, still reminds me of those family road trips…

It was quintessential America — a snapshot of the United States. Wrapped up in these vacations was the perfect history lesson. My parents saw it as a way to bring history to life for my sister and me. But these trips are also our family’s history. It’s the story of our journey and our past and the story of our family.

It’s those summer memories that bring me comfort as I continue to mourn the loss of my father, 15 years after his death. It’s those memories I’m keeping alive. Those days of sitting in the backseat, pillow over my lap, just watching the world go by through the car window. In the sticky Southern heat of summer, the kind of heat that sticks to your back and sends beads of sweat rolling across your forehead, we were making our own history and planting the historical markers of our lives.

You can read the full piece here and I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to email me anytime at mellow1422@aol.com and let’s chat! And of course, feel free to share my essay on Facebook, Twitter or even your local refrigerator. If you share on Twitter, be sure to tag me @melissablake so we can connect! I can’t wait to hear from you! Love you all… xoxo

Friday, July 27, 2018

My Father’s 67th Birthday: On Losing a Parent

Here we are again, friends. Another year has gone by, which means that it’s time for another birthday. This time, it’s my father’s 67th birthday. It’s still hard to believe he’s gone, but I’m thankful for all the memories that make me smile. Those memories are reminders that he’s still with me, especially when I think about the journey I’ve been on since losing a parent…

I struggled so long with “why?” Why did this happen? Why didn’t I see any signs? Suicide leaves behind so much confusion and even now, 15 years later, I still struggle with that confusion. Also, the societal stigma attached to suicide makes it really hard for survivors to feel heard sometimes. But that’s never stopped me from writing and talking about my experience because I think it’s so important for others left behind to know that they’re not alone.

I know I say this so much, but I don’t think I would have gotten through the last 15 years without the love and support of my mom and sister. The three of us banded together in our darkest hours and I am so grateful for them. Also, writing has been such a therapeutic tool for me. It’s helped me heal and work through my grief. I feel like I can express myself fully and find the right words through writing so much better than if I try to say them out loud.

The death of a loved from suicide — any death, really — is something you never get over. You may work through your grief and get to a point where it no longer consumes your entire being, but you never fully get over that pain and loss. Grief isn’t linear. It’s a process, full of winding roads and paths that sometimes go backwards before they go forwards.

How I’ve dealt with my father’s death might not be how other people would do it, but it’s the way I’ve chosen to do it. And it’s been an incredibly transforming experience for me. I’m remembering him today and always. I like to think he’s tucked somewhere in my heart and that definitely brings me an incredible amount of comfort. Losing a parent is a confusing journey at times, but I know he’ll ALWAYS be with me… xoxo

[Bottom photo via We Heart It]

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

My Essay on Ravishly: “How Watching Dawson’s Creek Brought Me Closer To My Dad”

Would you believe that I actually forgot to share one of my published essays, friends?!? Well, I did — that’s certainly a first! But maybe it’s fate because my father’s birthday is tomorrow and this essay for Ravishly is all about one of my favorite traditions with him: Watching Dawson’s Creek together!!

Everyone remembers the sudsy teen soap from the ’90s, right? Oh, it was just great, don’t you think?? The adventures of Dawson and his friends was one of the hallmarks of my teen years and it’s also one of my hallmark memories…with my father! I sometimes think he actually liked the show more than I did. We’d watch it every week together and debate the finer points of the plot. Looking back now, I truly treasure those moments we shared together, just sitting in our small living room in each other’s company.

Here’s an excerpt of the essay, which gave me a HUGE dose of ’90s nostalgia as I was writing it…

It wasn’t until just a few years ago, shortly after his death, that everything began to make sense: Dawson’s Creek might not have been his favorite show, but the time we got to spend together for a solid 60 minutes? That was really what he was after. Sure, we’d have fun debates about whether Dawson or Pacey is our favorite (admittedly, I’ve waffled over the years, but always seem to come back to Dawson), but the older I get, the more I realize just how quickly time goes by. Life is hectic and messy. So many things are out of our control. My father knew this, so when he saw an opportunity to sprinkle some moments of happiness into the messiness, he grabbed onto that.

I never want his death to overshadow how he lived and all the things he taught me. We might not have talked much during those episodes of Dawson’s Creek (confession: I spent much of the hour swooning over Dawson), but we were together. For a whole hour, there was this unspoken bond between us.

You can read the full essay here and I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to email me anytime at mellow1422@aol.com and let’s chat! And of course, feel free to share my essay on Facebook, Twitter or even your local refrigerator. If you share on Twitter, be sure to tag me @melissablake so we can connect! I can’t wait to hear from you! Love you all… xoxo

Thursday, June 28, 2018

What Buffy Taught Me About Death and Grief

So, friends!! I had such a wonderfully eye-opening experience recently! A few weeks ago, one of my writer friends emailed me. She was working on a piece about the intersection of fandom and mental health, and she was wondering if I’d like to answer a few questions. Ahh, what an interesting topic, right?? I wasn’t sure I’d even have anything worthwhile to add to the conversation. And then, I thought of one superhero named Buffy Summers…and, well, then my mind started turning and turning with thoughts on grief, death and why it’s those very experiences that make us human and give us our humanity in the first place…

One of my all-time favorite shows is Buffy The Vampire Slayer. I’ve re-watched the series several times over the years and each time, I’m struck by the powerful message it sends: That girls can be powerful and strong and in charge. It also showed that you could go through traumas and struggles and still come out on the other side — that these struggles didn’t have to completely destroy you. At the same time, the show was able to present Buffy realistically. Although she lived among the supernatural, she was human. Yes, she had her flaws and she made mistakes, but I think that’s what made her so relatable. She goofed up countless time and wasn’t perfect, yet at the same time, every teenager still wanted to be her.

After my father died, the episode where Buffy’s mother died took on new meaning for me. I never really understood the nuances of the episode, how it perfectly captured those early days of grief, and watching it again in this new light was incredibly moving. It definitely helped me process some of my own grief as I identified with these characters. They’d been up against the worst and evilest of demons and could usually defeat them. But here they were now, faced with something so real, so human, and they knew that they couldn’t fight their way out of it. They had to feel the pain, the loss, the sadness. This was like nothing they’d ever experienced before and it wasn’t something they could train or prepare for. All the slayer training in the world can’t prepare you for real life.

I’ve gained confidence from watching Buffy’s journey and how she handled herself even in the face of unspeakable tragedy. There’s a certain strength in being vulnerable, in being your authentic self and never apologizing for it. Also, I’ve learned that having the love of family and friends means everything. And, of course, I’m still learning not to close myself off to people. I need to let them in. It may take time, but I think I’ll get there one day.

What has your favorite show meant to you, friends?? What unexpected lessons has it taught you?? How did it change your life?? xoxo

Monday, June 18, 2018

My Essay on CNN Opinion: “When Father’s Day Is Both Bitter and Sweet”

Just in time for Father’s Day yesterday, I wrote about the bittersweet nature of holidays after the death of a parent and the 15th anniversary of my father’s suicide for CNN Opinion. I weaved in quite a bit into this one essay, like how we keep our loved ones with us, and hope I did the topic justice.

I’d been thinking about how hard holidays like Father’s Day can be, especially when they fall during milestone anniversary years like this year’s 15th anniversary for me. The days are both happy and sad, and maybe those two emotions can exist harmoniously. For so long, I thought I could only feel one or the other, and it’s been liberating to realize that I don’t have to “choose.”

Here’s an excerpt of the piece, in which I also looked at all the ways we incorporate loved ones we’ve lost into the big and small milestones of life (including a reference to the Royal Wedding last month!)…

Every year, I see Father’s Day cards in the store or see young kids holding their father’s hand and it hits me: My father is missing.

For years, I worried that I’d forget my father. After all, the gap between the years he was alive and the years he’s been dead was widening every day. I desperately wanted to feel like a part of him was still here, that he didn’t just vanish into the ether. As the weeks turned into months and the months turned into years, I noticed an interesting dichotomy: I was holding on to the past tighter while the memory of him seemed to be drifting further away. I’d reach for him, but he was always just out of my grasp. I was so afraid that he would simply be forgotten as time went on and our lives began to fill up with things other than grief.