MEMO TO MEN: So virgin-shaming is a thing now…

MEMORANDUM
TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: Down with virgin-shaming!
DATE: April 17, 2013

Oh, boys, where do I even start with this one today. It used to be — in a galaxy far, far away — that women were made to feel guilty if they were, well, overindulging in a certain activity. Now, it looks as though the tables have swiftly turned: Women are shunned for not doing said activity.

Yes, you read that right, boys. In 2013, being a virgin is sometimes a fate worse than death. YourTango recently ran a piece on the new trend known as virgin-shaming. Young women, argues the article, “fear being disparaged for being too much of one or the other.” They’re too promiscuous. They’re too much of a prude. And, no matter how hard they try, women just can’t seem to find a happy medium. No matter which way they go, there is no middle ground.

As you can imagine, boys, this is a trend that I just simply can’t get behind. It’s not one of those innocent little innocuous trends like poodle skirts or pretending a rock was actually your pet rock. No, no. The consequences of this trend go far deeper than those here-today-and-gone tomorrow trends. Virgins, it seems, must be doing something wrong and need to get with the program. At the very least, their “status” is something they should be ashamed of. For example, have you ever noticed how people lower their voice to a faint whisper when they announce their virgin status? With virgin-shaming, you don’t want to alienate or offend those around you. You might be completely comfortable with your status (like me!), but society isn’t, and that’s what matters the most, right, boys?

Because, really, it scares me. It makes me afraid that this is the sort of trend that, unfortunately, has some staying power. But I say that we at least try to squash such narrow-minded thinking. A woman should be respected for such a personal decision, not publically shamed into feeling guilty about it. Are you with me, boys…?

[Photos via We Heart It]

xoJane: Essay #2

A few weeks ago, I mentioned that I was working on a new piece for xoJane (you might remember my first essay on coming to terms with my disability). This time around, I’m sharing what it feels like to be a 31-year-old virgin who’s never been kissed and wonder: How do you tell someone they’re your first? As in first everything -– first kiss, first date, first boyfriend, first, well, time. And how do you even begin to figure out how your physical disability plays into all of this? Oh, and there’s a bit more reflection on a certain guy. You can read the full essay here, and as always, I’d love to hear your thoughts, friends! xoxo

Love Lounge: How old were you when you lost your virginity?

A few weeks ago, I wrote about coming to terms with my disability for xoJane. I’m so excited to be writing for them again this week, friends. The topic? Virginity.

Virgin. Virginity. The V-card.

Just those words alone are somewhat taboo in our society, aren’t they? The kind of words that are meant to be uttered in hushed tones, if you’re even bold enough to say them in the first place. But if you think about it, virginity — at least the discussion of it — is a pretty hard thing to escape. But I’ve always been old-fashioned when it comes to love, which has also made me old-fashioned about sex and the first time. My failure to do the deed, some may say, spells out a future of lonely nights and unsatisying relationships. That, and several cats on my lap.

But thanks to new research, I’ve got happiness on my side. Research from the University of Texas found that those who wait to have sex until their 20s are more likely to enjoy a happy, satisfying relationship later in life than those who have sex in their teens.

“Individuals who first navigate intimate relationships in young adulthood, after
they have accrued cognitive and emotional maturity, may learn more effective
relationship skills than individuals who first learn scripts for intimate
relationships while they are still teenagers,” says lead researcher Dr. Paige Harden.

How old were you when you lost your virginity, friends? Was it how you imagined it would be? Looking back, do you think you were too young? If you’re still a virgin, is that a conscious decision that you’ve made? I’d love to hear your story! xoxo


P.S. More virginity talk, including myths, taboos and misconceptions.

[Via Glamour; photos via We Heart It]

MEMO TO MEN: What never to ask a woman

MEMORANDUM

TO: Men all over the planet

FROM: Melissa
RE: Don’t ask, don’t tell

DATE: October 31, 2012
Navigating love and life can be difficult, boys. Troublesome, even. I know this all too well, and I’m sure you do too. Sometimes, you just don’t know what to do, say or act. And more importantly? Sometimes, you just don’t know when to keep your mouth shut. Now, before you go on believing that I’ve never fallen victim to this mistake…trust me, I have. Far too many times. In fact, I’m not sure I could even count the number of times I’ve opened my mouth at the wrong time, only to have the wrong words come flowing out. It’s not very much fun when you find yourself in this situation. In fact, things tend to get downright awkward really, really, really quickly. So, in an effort to save you some of the humiliation I suffered, here are four questions you should think twice about before asking on that all-important first date…

Why aren’t you married yet? Is it a fear of commitment [or insert you own reason here]?
I can almost guarantee that both men and women get this question enough from other people in their lives, so there’s really no need to put her under the spotlight. This question should be off-limits on first dates. Can you imagine it coming up between talk of your favorite bands and the dessert? I’m not sure if I’d be more offended or annoyed, but one thing’s for sure: I don’t think I’ll be dreaming of that second date.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Don’t get me wrong — this is a good question. A great one, actually, and one that should be the topic of conversation at some point early in the relationship. But I’m still not convinced that the first date is the appropriate time for it. You’re still getting to know each other. And honestly, some days, even I don’t know where my life with take me over the next 10 years.

Are you a virgin?
If a guy asked me this on a first date, I’d probably choke on my appetizer. I’m all for honesty, but there are just some things that deserve a little mystery. The Big V, boys, is one of them.

Who are you voting for in this election?
I couldn’t resist this one, especially with the presidential election coming up. It’s fine to hold your own beliefs, and it could even be fun to get into a spirited debate. But this debate should take place much later, once you two are more comfortable with each other.

…and one “if-y” question if you’re friends with a woman
So what do you think? She’s great, isn’t she?
You’ll probably be asking this question to one of your best girl friends after introducing them to your new girlfriend. We’ve talked about the very fragile tightrope that is the girlfriend vs. girl friend, and if your girl friend is, in fact, just a friend, then everything will be fine and dandy. But on the off chance that your friend doesn’t exactly see you in a “friend” way anymore? Well, you may have just unknowingly opened a huge can of worms.

Well, what do you think, boys? Any questions I’ve missed? Consider this your crib sheet for first-date bliss. Good luck… xoxo

[Photos via We Heart It]

MEMO TO MEN: Virginity true or false

TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: Virginity myths
DATE: December 5, 2011
Boys, Madonna sang about it. Steve Carell poked fun at it. And there’s an alcoholic drink named after it. And yet, I can almost guarantee you that everything you think you know about it is wrong. Completely wrong. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that nearly everything you’ve ever been told about The Big V is utterly and blatantly false. It’s quite sad, really, those myths that tend to take on a life of their own after years of being recounted and recounted. But that’s just what they are…myths. And, boys, if I’m sure of anything, it’s that myths, like rules, are meant to be broken. So let’s crack open this virgin myth nonsense, shall we, boys? I give you the Top 3 Myths About Virgins…

You think your virgin radar is spot-on
You think you’ve got the perfect description of a virgin in your head, don’t you? After all, she (or he) is obviously easy to spot. So, who exactly is she, boys? The girl with the big glasses who you see on the train every morning and who has yet to look up from her book? Your prude of a co-worker? I’m sorry to disappoint, boys, but sometimes, virgin-spotting isn’t like bird watching where you whip out your binoculars and can easily spot them from hundreds of feet away. It’s just not that easy. And contrary to popular belief, we don’t wear name tags, either.

We’re choosing to be virgins for religious reasons
Of course, religion and virginity go hand-in-hand for some people, and I fully respect that. But, that doesn’t apply to everyone. It certainly doesn’t apply to me. In fact, religion never even factored into my choice. The lesson here, boys: Don’t assume you know the reason someone’s a virgin.

Women, after a certain age, are ashamed of being a virgin and need help
A woman in her early ’30s wrote to Glamour over the summer, wondering if she was too old to be a virgin. I often wonder why that’s something women would be ashamed of. Society tells us that if you haven’t, umm, taken to the bedroom by a certain age, then there’s something wrong with you. But not all women (and especially not this woman) feed into that, boys. Not every woman hide her head in shame at the mere uttering of the word virgin. Some women (especially this woman) are surprisingly comfortable and secure in who they are.
I know you probably think virgins are some crazy creatures, but I assure you that we aren’t a species you should live in fear of. We’re actually a lot like you, except for, well, the whole between-the-sheets shenanigans. In fact, you probably won’t even be able to pick us out of a crowd.

So what do you think of virgins, boys? Are you intimidated? Confused? Don’t care? I’d love to hear your thoughts… xoxo

[Photos via Le Love]