My Essay on Stylist: “You Might Hate That ‘Imperfect’ Selfie, But Here’s Why You Should Share It Anyway”

selfieFriends, have you ever taken a selfie, looked at it and immediately said, “Oh, wow! I really look like that?” And then did you contemplate deleting said selfie altogether?

That’s the premise behind my latest published piece! It’s so exciting because it’s my first for UK’s Stylist. An editor reached out after she saw the selfie I posted!! Yes, in what is EXTREMELY on brand for me, this essay started with a selfie. This here selfie, to be exact. Truth be told, I almost deleted it before I tweeted it. I didn’t particularly like it and, yes, I may have cringed too. In fact, these were my first thoughts…

Why is my head so big?

Why is my nose so big?

That’s just a downright scary photo!

But then I thought about it and what sort of message I would be sending if I just clicked “delete,” especially considering how much I love all things selfies and selfie expression! When so much of our social media identity is curated to be the most Instagram-worthy, maybe we need to see more of those almost-deleted snaps! I’d take real over perfect any day, which is exactly what my selfie is.

Anyway, the editor asked if I’d like to write about my experience and, of course, I was more than game! Obviously, I had quite a lot to say about women and how we view ourselves and how society views us.

Here’s an excerpt of the piece, which is my reminder that a selfie doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful, so go ahead and POST THAT PHOTO…

My body has often felt like a jigsaw puzzle, where none of the pieces actually fit, and growing up all these messages about how to be perfect just made me feel even more different. No matter what I did, those puzzle pieces never quite fitted together.

That photo is more authentic than any other selfie I’ve taken recently. It’s real, and we need real. We need raw. In a way, posting that selfie was liberating: it allowed me to just be myself, to celebrate my flaws and my imperfections, and to reject those societal pressures to be perfect.

A selfie can be awkward or messy or feature your big head prominently. And maybe sharing our real selves will inspire others to share their real selves, too. I’d take real over perfect any day, which is exactly what a selfie should be, because there’s nothing more beautiful than the real you.

You can read the full piece here and I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to email me anytime at mellow1422@aol.com and let’s chat! And of course, feel free to share my essay on Facebook, Twitter or even your local refrigerator. If you share on Twitter, be sure to tag me @melissablake so I see your tweet and we can connect! I can’t wait to hear from you! Love you all… xoxo

Thoughts on Person-First Language and Disabilities

Person-First LanguageI admit that I never used to give much thought to person-first language when it came to my disability. Honestly, I didn’t really care if people referred to me as “person with a disability” or “disabled person” because to some degree, I didn’t see a clear distinction between the two. They both seemed to convey the same thing to me.

Is that bad??

I wonder about that sometimes, like, am I being a “bad” disability advocate if I don’t have a preference? Am I somehow not standing up for the disability community? Over the years, I’ve learned that the disability language people use is a very personal choice. Some prefer person-first language while others use disability-first. At one point, I was very pro person-first language. I definitely preferred saying “I am a person with a disability.”

I never wanted to be defined by my disability and I felt like saying I was a “disabled person” sort of dehumanized me. It was like saying that my disability came before my personhood. It was like saying that my disability was the most important thing about me.

As I’ve gotten older, though, I’m growing more and more comfortable with either option. I’m sure some of this shift has to do with the fact that I’m more comfortable and confident when it comes to my disability. I know that my disability is just one aspect of who I am.

Especially in my career as a writer, I’ve dealt with this question a lot since I explore my disability so much in my essays. For me, my disability is definitely a part of me, and there’s no getting around that. But the word “part” is very important — my disability is just one part of who I am. Just like I have red hair and am right-handed. Those are parts of me, just like my disability is. Saying this doesn’t mean I’m ashamed of my disability or that I hate it; I’ve actually come to embrace my disability and am proud of the person it’s helped me become. But in the end, it doesn’t define me or overrides the other “parts” of myself.

Person-First LanguageThe bottom line? How people with disabilities (or disabled people…) refer to themselves is completely their choice and what makes them feel the most comfortable. Autonomy is so important when it comes to all aspects of disability life, and even something as seemingly insignificant like a moniker is actually a pretty significant thing. It’s not small by any means. Definitely take your cue from the person you’re talking about or talking to. People who have disabilities are the best advocates and the ones who are the experts.

Remember, an honest and open conversation when it comes to disabilities is never wasted! xoxo

[Photos via We Heart It]

Here’s a New Side of Me You’ve Never Seen Before…

new side of meFirst off, before you even ask…NO!! The title of this blog post is not designed to be clickbait or deceiving in any way. I mean this in the most literal sense. Get ready for a new side of me you’ve never seen before. It’s me, stripped down to my true essence. No pretenses. No pretending. I’m pretty much showing you the deepest part of myself. Literally.

Are you ready? Are you sure you can handle it? I mean, I don’t want to induce heart attacks or anything…

OK…

*Deep breaths*

By now, you’re probably wondering about those MRI scans above — pretty random, I know! You might even be thinking, “What the even heck? Who’s are those? Is this blog turning creepy or what?”

new side of me new side of meWell, friends, those are my medical scans! That’s me — in the flesh. Well, deeper than flesh, I suppose. I’ve talked a lot about my sexy brain in the past and when I found these old scans in the closet a couple months ago, I couldn’t resist sharing them with you. They’re from 2001 when I was a wee lass of just 19. Also, bonus points if you can spot all my hardware! I’ve got lots of titanium rods in my spine!!

And yes, only I would tape them to the window when photographing them — you know, for optimal sun! I figure you have to see all the crevices of my brain. Now, I’m not sure what I should do with them. They’ve been taking up space in my room, but it’d feel sort of weird to just throw them away, you know? I mean, they’re a part of me, after all. Maybe I should save them and autograph them when my someday-memoir comes out? Is that odd? I’m kidding — well, only half kidding, really. If I talk about my brain surgery in my book, I could be an awesome promotional tie-in. I doubt any author has done something like that before! Oooooh, I’m calling dibs now!

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has random medical scans of themselves lying around the house. Do you, friends? And, yes, I’m aware that this is probably the weirdest question I’ve ever asked on this blog… xoxo

Tuesday Tunes: Bon Jovi’s “It’s My Life”

Editor’s Note: Song lyrics denoted in bold italics.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I entered young adulthood at the dawn of the new Millennium. Things were changing big time and I was growing up. Everything seemed new, like you were doing it for the first time, and the novelty hadn’t worn off yet or even smudged. There was a palpable freshness in the air; you couldn’t help but feel like anything was possible. Simply put, it was quite an exciting time to be alive. Full of hope and promise of great things to come.

Yes, I know that last paragraph read like a high school graduation speech, but I suppose that’s only appropriate. I mean, I did graduate high school in 2000 (sounds like a lifetime ago now, doesn’t it?) and you really can’t get more new-beginning than that. And back then, when I’d think of new beginnings, there was always one anthem that came to mind. I say anthem because I can just picture it blaring over the speakers in an arena during a rock concert. That, or blaring over the CD player as I sing along and do my fiercest poses in front of the mirror. I vote for the latter.

Bon Jovi’s “It’s My Life”
From Crush

Maybe that’s why I thought of this song as I was working on the back-to-school post yesterday. Of course, there were SO MANY killer Bon Jovi tunes to choose from, but this one spoke to a new generation — my generation — so it sort of felt like a theme song for the masses, you know?

This ain’t a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain’t gonna be just a face in the crowd
You’re gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

Youth is nothing if not a time for feeling lost and confused. You’re having all these new experiences and just trying to find meaning and purpose in life. It’s hard, isn’t it? And you think that things are NEVER going to get any easier; you might even think you’ll never find your way. So you end up wandering around searching for those answers and sometimes, even before you arrive at any kind of conclusion, you realize something else. You’re a young adult. This life you’re living?

IT’S YOURS!!!

I know, it can be quite the shocking revelation when it hits you that first time. Sort of like a bolt of lightning or a giant light bulb going off over your head. That’s how it was for me, at least. And of course, you’re determined to make your voice heard. Loud and clear. To anyone and everyone in your life. Not in an evil or malicious way — just in a way that lets people know who you are. Because you’re starting to see that your voice is a powerful thing and you’re going to own it.

It’s my life
It’s now or never
I ain’t gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
(It’s my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I’m alive
It’s my life

People say that there’s a sense of invincibility that comes with being young, but I also think there’s a certain sense of urgency that goes along with it. It’s the first time you’re really realizing that your life is finite, that you’re not going to live forever and that it’s what you do with your life that matters the most. You may not know everything, but you know that you want your life to mean something. You want to live it to the fullest, to live it on your terms. But perhaps most of all, you don’t want anything to stand in your way. Ever.

This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow’s getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain’t even lucky
Got to make your own breaks

Stand your ground? What does that even mean? I do wonder about that sometimes, and the older I get, the more I think it’s all about tuning out that excess noise. It’s not letting people get inside your head — especially the ones that don’t matter. It’s about not believing what people say about you, even though you’re struggling to just shrug off those cruel and hurtful words. It’s about not giving into those inner demons that are all sorts of hell-bent on destroying you — but you’re determined not to let them, though. Most importantly, it’s about BEING WHO YOU ARE and not being afraid to show your true colors to the entire world.

This life is hard. Really hard. There’s just no way around it. But that certainly doesn’t mean that this life can’t be beautiful and that you shouldn’t shine your light for all to see. After all, remember what I always say?? #BeBraveBeYou

Tuesday Tunes: Whitney Houston’s “One Moment In Time”

Editor’s Note: Song lyrics denoted in bold italics.

We all have those moments in pop culture history that stand out in our minds. Something monumental happens, and you forever remember where you were when it happened.

For me, one of those moments is the death of Whitney Houston. It was February, just before the Grammy Awards, and I remember it being one of those times you just can’t believe is happening. Here was one of the greatest singers of all time gone far too soon. Her music seemed to transcend everything and every single song held a special place in my heart. These songs? They reminded me of my childhood and those good old days.

Whitney Houston’s “One Moment In Time”
From 1988 Summer Olympics Album

Whitney’s words and voice were pure gold. They were like anthems for the soul and I’m pretty sure everyone has one song that speaks to them — you know, the kind that towers above the rest. Whether it has special meaning, makes you happy or brings you to tears, it’s the type of song that you play at full blast WHENEVER it comes on the radio.

And for me, so many of her ’80s classic take me right back to — you guessed it! — my hospital days!

Each day I live
I want to be
A day to give
The best of me
I’m only one
But not alone
My finest day
Is yet unknown


I broke my heart
Fought every gain
To taste the sweet
I face the pain
I rise and fall
Yet through it all
This much remains

Maybe it’s only fitting that I write about this song now, seeing as how the Rio Olympics are coming up and this song was featured prominently in the 1988 Summer Olympics! I mean, everyone needs an anthem, right? This song — it became my anthem from the first time I heard it. I’ve always lived by the motto that people are doing the best they can in life. We may struggle, get knocked down and have the wind knocked out of us, but we always find a way to get up again. Something — motivation, determination, a supernatural force — moves us to GET UP OFF THE FLOOR and keep trying. That’s really the essence of the human spirit, don’t you think? Because as people, we want to do better. We want to be better than we were before. We want to live better than past generations. We want to make an impact and leave our mark so when we’re no longer on this earth, people will still know that we were here. We want future generations to look back at us and say, “Yes, they were here. They made a difference in the world.”

I want one moment in time
When I’m more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I’m racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will feel
I will feel eternity

During my hospital days, especially, I’d always looked forward to that one day when I was “just me.” Granted, those days weren’t altogether bad, but I always got the feeling that someday, I’d be free, just like Whitney’s song describes. To be able to shed those shackles that I felt were holding me back was such an appealing prospect. In a way, I’m not sure that hunger and drive to be free ever truly leaves us, though. We’ll always be fighting something, striving to do better and make positive changes that will get us to the exact place we want to be. Sure, it may take us some time, but that certainly doesn’t stop us from trying. Every single day. We try as hard as we can because we know we can do it. Deep down, we know we have that strength to persevere and see it through. Some people may say that it’s futile to keep doing something and not seeing results, but I say those people are the shortsighted ones. Things do change if you give it enough time.


I’ve lived to be
The very best
I want it all
No time for less
I’ve laid the plans
Now lay the chance
Here in my hands

And maybe in the end, this song is also about learning to be comfortable with who you are — something, as you know, I haven’t always been good at. You have to give yourself permission to love yourself, you know? It’s never something that just comes naturally; it has to be won and sometimes winning it is half the battle. I know that I may not always love myself or even be happy with myself, but I’m sure of one thing: I’m NEVER going to stop fighting to be my authentic self.

We encounter so many negative people in this world, and we owe it to ourselves not to be one of those people. After all, we owe it to ourselves to be our own best friend and our own biggest fan. Don’t you agree, friends?