My Essay on SheKnows: “Why Complimenting Adele’s Weight Loss is Toxic”

AdeleHave you been following the story about Adele and the reaction to her weight loss this week?? In a word, the reaction is gross, so naturally, I tweeted my thoughts about it. And then, that tweet had a semi-viral moment of its own, which became the basis for my newest piece for SheKnows…

We first saw people commenting on the singer’s new, slimmer figure back in December when she posted some holiday photos. I was disgusted then when I saw comments saying how “gorgeous” and “beautiful” she looked. So it’s no surprise that I was even more disgusted when people started in again with those same types of comments last week. Adele posted this photo on Instagram to thank people for birthday wishes and to thank frontline workers for all they’re doing.

She made NO MENTION of her body or her weight-loss journey. And yet, that’s what people chose to fixate on.

After I tweeted this, my thoughts had a mini viral moment of their own! Hooray!!

Not so hooray?? Tons of disappointing comments about weight and beauty. Some of y’all need to check yourselves. Your fatphobia is showing and that’s most definitely not beautiful. The responses to that tweet made me want to write about Adele even more and I’m so glad my piece found a home!!

Here’s an excerpt of the piece, in which I tackle our society’s misconception that weight is somehow tied to beauty and that thin is the ultimate standard…

I’ve been thinking a lot about the reactions I’ve seen over the last two days, especially when it comes to the unspoken meaning behind people’s words. When people praise Adele for her “beauty transformation,” there’s this fatphobic subtext implying that fat is bad. We live in a culture where there are only two ways of being: Fat or thin. Fat is bad and thin is good. Fat is wrong and thin is right. Fat is out and thin is in.

That’s it. People have taken something as complex as the human body and reduced it down to such simplistic extremes, leaving zero room for anything else. We need to get away from this simplistic thinking because there’s a whole host of shades in between; people are not monoliths who are one or the other. Our bodies are as individual as we are and there are so many different points on the continuum. As cheesy as it sounds, we really do come in all shapes and sizes.

AdeleYou can read the full piece here and I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to email me anytime at mellow1422@aol.com and let’s chat! And of course, feel free to share my essay on Facebook, Twitter or even your local refrigerator. If you share on Twitter, be sure to tag me @melissablake so I see your tweet and we can connect! I can’t wait to hear from you! Love you all… xoxo

On Sexual Harassment and Women’s Voices

Sexual HarassmentBy now, we’ve all seen the alarming headlines and read the disturbing stories about Harvey Weinstein, the Hollywood mogul accused earlier this month of sexual harassment. It’s beyond appalling and disgusting, and I’m left with some very big questions. Perhaps the biggest question of all: Why are women’s voices still being silenced in 2017…? Why are women still not being believed??

All too often, women are silenced. They’re told to “be quiet” and to not rock the boat. It’s everywhere and sometimes insidious, from the time we’re young and told that little girls are polite and proper. By the time we’re teenagers, we’ve internalized those words to mean that “good girls” don’t stand up for themselves — or, even more damaging, that good girls don’t get themselves into those types of dangerous situations in the first place.

Plus, everything from Bernie Sanders speaking at the Women’s Convention to Twitter temporarily suspending actress Rose McGowan…it all highlights a culture steeped in making women feel ashamed, as if they were second-class citizens, as if they were somehow “less than.”

I don’t have the time or the patience for that kind of archaic thinking. I hope you don’t either.

This week, I’ve been reflecting a lot on the #MeToo social media movement and its powerful impact. I’ve read courageous stories from people coming forward and am in awe of their bravery. This, at long last, is just the beginning of the conversation.

Personally, I’ve been stared at and pointed at and trolled on Twitter, but that’s all, which speaks to how society views women with disabilities. So, umm, I’m thankful for my disability, I guess? Though being glad you’re disabled because then you won’t get sexually harassed is an issue unto itself.

Carly Findlay, my awesome writer friend and disability activist, said it so much better than I could in a recent Facebook post…

Disabled women are often regarded as asexual or de-sexualized – or seen as sexual objects existing only to abuse. The de-sexualization of disabled women makes me lucky, I guess, not to have experienced some the horrific abuse others have, and I really struggled to recall the times when things said to me might have been sexually loaded. While female friends are wolf-whistled or cat-called at — this has never happened to me. I’m stared at but not in a lustful way.

So what can we do? Where does all this leave us? For starters, we need to listen and believe. We need to create a safe space for women to use their voice without fear.

Sexual HarassmentIf you’ve shared your story, I’m with you. If you haven’t shared but have suffered, I’m with you too. Women are strong. Women are valuable. And our voices will NEVER be silenced… xoxo

[Photos via We Heart It]

My Essay on Ravishly: “What It Feels Like Getting Bullied On Social Media”

getting bullied on social mediaRemember last month when I wrote about that unfortunate incident on Twitter in which a bully ridiculed my looks? It was a sad situation, but rest assured, friends! I did what I do best and got my feelings out in a new essay! Why? Because getting bullied on social media should never happen to anyone!

My essay “What It Feels Like Getting Bullied On Social Media” was published on Ravishly last week and I’m really proud of how it turned out. Although I was a bit scared to share my story and be raw to the whole world, I knew that it was something I needed to do. As I’ve found time and time again, the vulnerability was so freeing. It felt as if I was letting go of all those negative emotions. I was able to say #ByeFelicia to that misguided bully once and for all.

Here’s an excerpt of the essay, in which I warn of the dangers of letting your online persona bleed into your real life…

Unfortunately, the Web moves fast, and as blogging became more mainstream, the culture of the Internet was born. Comments sections flourished and became the millennial generation’s answer to the malt shop.

It wasn’t long before I started noticing a trend, though. It was a subtle shift at first, quickly morphing into an alarming phenomenon that couldn’t easily be ignored. Everyone seemed to have an opinion — on what I did, what I didn’t do, even something as innocent as my love of Mountain Dew. Otherwise harmless conversations became observations. Observations became criticisms. And criticisms became hate. To say that these words didn’t hurt would be a lie. They did hurt, yet I became pretty good at shrugging them off as nothing more than mindless hate from some Internet trolls.

You can set the tone. You can set an example. You can show people that there’s a right and wrong way to treat others. This goes for both online and offline interactions. What happens when who we are online becomes who we are offline, in the “real world”? What happens when we start tossing around hate and insults in real time?

You can read the full essay here and I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to email me anytime at mellow1422@aol.com and let’s chat! And of course, feel free to share my essay on Facebook, Twitter or even your local refrigerator. If you share on Twitter, be sure to tag me @melissablake so we can connect! I can’t wait to hear from you! Love you all… xoxo

In The Pursuit of Happiness: Lady Gaga Shuts Down Body-Shamers

Lady Gaga Shuts Down Body-ShamersIn last week’s Tuesday Tunes, we explored the musical magic of one Miss Lady Gaga. As I said then, he Super Bowl halftime performance was nothing short of incredible — from the stage to the dancing to all the incredibly powerful messages. But sadly, though, the lowly trolls had to come out of their hiding place and cause needless ruckus yet again. This time, the quips and barbs were directed at the singer’s body and weight (side note: can’t these trolls EVER come up with some more original zingers? I mean, what sad, sad people, right??), but Lady Gaga shuts down body-shamers on the regular, so she immediately went into Pro Fierce Mode and put them in their place…

I heard my body is a topic of conversation so I wanted to say, I’m proud of my body and you should be proud of yours too. No matter who you are or what you do. I could give you a million reasons why you don’t need to cater to anyone or anything to succeed. Be you, and be relentlessly you. That’s the stuff of champions.

THAT’S how it’s done, isn’t it? She didn’t need to resort to throwing insults back at the trolls. And you can tell that she certainly didn’t feel the need to overly defend herself, which I find so darn refreshing. This is a woman who seems truly happy in her own skin and this is why so many young women look up to her as a role model. Plus, she hasn’t been shy about sharing her own body struggles over the years, so seeing her in a place of contentment is truly something to celebrate!

We are so often the first to criticize, insult, ridicule and just generally talk down to ourselves, especially about how we look on the outside. It’s so easy that it’s become something of a knee-jerk reaction. And I’ll be the first to admit that it can be a VERY hard habit to break. It becomes something that gets ingrained in our psyche, planting its roots deep in our brains until we mistakenly start to think those false lies it tells us are true. Sometimes, we can’t even distinguish them from our own voice, you know? I’m so thankful that celebrities like Lady Gaga are here to share their story and let us all know that we’re not alone!

What are some lies you tell yourself, friends? How do you stop yourself from believing them at the end of the day? Any tips or tricks you’d like to share with us? We could all use a little pick-me-up today, don’t you think? #BeBraveBeYou… xoxo

In The Pursuit of Happiness: Jennifer Aniston on Society’s Expectations For Women

She’ll be there for us — see what I did there? Jennifer Aniston stood up to body bullies everywhere last week when she took to the Internet to dispel those pesky pregnancy rumors that she just can’t seem to dodge these days.

Everyone’s favorite friend (ha, I did it again!) penned a refreshingly real and honest essay for The Huffington Post in which she took aim at the unrealistic expectations our society places on women…

If I am some kind of symbol to some people out there, then clearly I am an example of the lens through which we, as a society, view our mothers, daughters, sisters, wives, female friends and colleagues. The objectification and scrutiny we put women through is absurd and disturbing. The way I am portrayed by the media is simply a reflection of how we see and portray women in general, measured against some warped standard of beauty.

But what I *really* loved? I mean, loved to the point that I wanted to pump my fist in the air and scream, “YES! Thank you, Jennifer! That’s one victory for women!” — however, I’m in the quiet library right now, so I figured that wasn’t the very best idea…

Here’s where I come out on this topic: we are complete with or without a mate, with or without a child. We get to decide for ourselves what is beautiful when it comes to our bodies. That decision is ours and ours alone. Let’s make that decision for ourselves and for the young women in this world who look to us as examples. Let’s make that decision consciously, outside of the tabloid noise. We don’t need to be married or mothers to be complete. We get to determine our own “happily ever after” for ourselves.

Hmmm, writing our own version of happily ever after. In our culture, that’s sort of a radical, out-there notion, isn’t it? We’re conditioned to want and strive for certain things in life — boyfriend, wedding, house, kids. In that order. If we deviate from that script, even ever so slightly, we’re criticized or labeled or bullied. And even though it shouldn’t, all this finger wagging can mess with our confidence and sense of self. We start to question if we’re on the “right” path and what is wrong with us if we’re not.

I know I’ve never been immune to all this bullying, and I’m forever having this internal conversation with myself where I’m trying to talk myself out of getting down on myself. Because it’s all too easy to let that outside noise become the voice you start to hear in your head — and we all know that outside noise is the LAST thing you need to be listening to. It lies and tries to get you all sorts of worked up. At the very least, I’ve found, it just makes you extremely tired and exhausted.

So, I say we change the conversation. I say we stop putting ourselves and others down just because of those crazy “expectations” we grew up with. I say we start living life on our terms, bullies be damned. And at the end of the day, I say we start celebrating each other because we’re pretty darn awesome just as we are. Who’s with me and Jennifer?? #BeBraveBeYou xoxo

P.S. More wise words on feminism, finding balance, body image, mental illness and being yourself! 🙂