Ms. Bear on Ponderings During a Pandemic

PandemicIf you’re like us, then you’ve probably been practicing social distancing as much as you can for the last week. These are scary times, friends, and my mom wanted to write some thoughts down — for herself, for us and for future generations. So, here’s Ms. Bear with some ponderings during a pandemic…

Is anyone else feeling disoriented and a bit surreal? I sure am. Sometimes during the day, I forget about COVID-19, but then it hits me when I least expect it. I feel that I can only think about it so much before I have to do something else. It’s downright scary! Who would have thought a few short weeks ago that we would all be quarantined in our houses? Heck, I couldn’t even spell quarantined before this all happened — spell check just autocorrected it for me!

So, I keep thinking, trying to make sense of what the whole world, literally, is going through right now. It causes a bit of a hurricane in my brain as I try to think about it. I can narrow down my thoughts to a few lessons I am taking with me along the way…

1. As Mr. Rogers always said, “Look for the helpers.”

These are the folks who still report to work, even though it is dangerous for them to do so. They are out there taking care of the sick, stocking the shelves with necessities for us to buy, preparing food, donating time and/or money to help the less fortunate, spending 8 hours a day caring for the elderly at the nursing homes and so many more. Teachers at home preparing daily lessons, workers in doctors’ offices and hospitals, police and fire people are all the utmost in helpers. So are the moms and dads who are at home with their kids, trying to teach them the lessons the teachers have so lovingly prepared for them. If you can, do something special for anyone that you see as a helper. You don’t need to go out of your house; you can send a note through the mail, send a food gift card or drop off a bag of fruit on their front porch. We have to look for the helpers, right, Mr. Rogers?

Pandemic2. Let’s talk toilet paper!

C’mon, people, there is no reason to hoard it, or anything, as a matter of fact. It’s the 21st Century, not the Spanish Flu Pandemic of 1918. Stop hoarding everything! Leave things for others — you are not the only family out there. Nor are you the most important!!! One of my favorite Frasier quotes, which I actually have to remind myself of once in awhile, is “Copernicus called and YOU are not the center of the universe!”

3. It’s time to get creative!

Keep your body and mind moving. Binge-watching is fine; in fact, I would say it is a necessity to take our minds off things! But, you can walk where no one is (I’ve been out every day since this happened and never run into anyone). You can also Youtube some exercises and play along (Zumba, anyone?). You can read, do math or crossword puzzles or my favorite, logic puzzles (even though I am not good at them!). If you have an e-reader like the Kindle, there are literally thousands of things to browse before you decide what you should read.

Pandemic4. Let’s use this time to stop the madness of the lives we were living before!

You know the ones I am talking about — our lives pre-pandemic. Rushing around, feeling so important, unable to relax because there is JUST SO MUCH TO DO!! On my walk yesterday, I saw a robin and I just stopped to admire him and, actually, I talked to him for a minute (remember, I never see anyone on my walks…lol). I also felt some water fall on my head when I was under a tree and instead of feeling mad, I stopped, looked up and saw beautiful drops of rain hanging off the branches. Look for the beauty, friends, because it’s still out there — even during this pandemic!!!

Please, Don’t Forget to Vote…

VoteIf you do one thing today — or, really, all primary season long: GO VOTE.

Yes, I know that I’ve stressed the importance of voting many, many times over the years (in both 2012 and 2016…), but the truth is, performing your civic duty is something that’s NEVER going to go out of style.

Casting your vote in that ballot box is one of the most important things we do as Americans. Because it’s up to us to chart the course of this country. Where do we want to go? How do we want to get there? What’s important to us? Who do we want to be?

Because guess what? When we vote, we’re not just voting for a person. We’re voting for the morals and values too. Morals and values are abstract, sure, but they’re also the things that will help guide and shape the laws and policies of the next administration. And that’s something we can’t take lightly; it’s our responsibility.

VoteSo maybe your favorite candidate is no longer in the race. Does that mean you’re not going to vote? I’ve been thinking about the whole Bernie or Bust phenomenon that we saw in the 2016 election. Look, y’all know Warren was my favorite. But guess what? I voted for one of the two remaining Democratic candidates. Did I like it? No. But we literally can’t afford 4 more years of this dystopian Handmaid’s Tale reality. We don’t have the privilege of sitting this election out just because we don’t want to vote for a candidate that isn’t our #1 choice.

Anyway, I took this selfie with my mom after we voted — probably the only time I’ll be leaving the house for the foreseeable future!!

The world feels like it’s ending, but I saw a lot of people voting!! Glad to see people doing their civic duty even in these scary times! These are the types of things that are going to be the foundation for lasting change. Sitting at home and pouting won’t help anyone. In fact, it’s going to hurt us all. Please, don’t forget to vote… xoxo

My Father’s Suicide: 17 Years Ago

suicideMy father died from suicide 17 years ago this week — forever making March 10th my least favorite day of the year. And, just like clockwork, I find myself asking the same question again this year: How has it been so long?

But that sort of question is only natural any time you lose someone you love, isn’t it? And it’s especially true when you lose that loved one to suicide — one of the most sudden and cruel of deaths. After all, the world you’d known for so long (in my case, 21 years) is rocked and abruptly shifts forever; it’s a swift and painful jolt to everything around you that was once the bedrock of your life. What was once familiar and comforting is now foreign and confusing. What was once light and airy is now dark and heavy.

My father’s suicide is the demarcation of my two lives: Life with my dad and life without him. I feel like I’m looking at someone else’s life when I look at old childhood photos. There were times I was so angry with the world, but looking at these family photos just makes me miss him right now. For so long, I resisted feeling those conflicting emotions. How could I feel something like love and anger at the same time? I mean, I had to choose one, didn’t I?

suicideThanks to my wonderful therapist, I’ve come to embrace ALL the emotions, especially the conflicting ones. She helped me see that it’s OK to feel seemingly two opposite emotions together at once. All those feelings are part of the grieving process and we all know that grief takes as long as it takes.

Life with my dad was always an adventure — full of seeing, doing, exploring and discovering. He made sure that my disability didn’t stop me from experiencing everything this world had to offer, whether that involved carrying me to the water’s edge, holding me up so I could play a video game in the hospital or holding me on the merry-go-round.

I wasn’t always so open about my father’s suicide, but I’ve realized that silence only contributes to stigma. It’s important to say it and to talk about it. Thanks for always letting me talk (err, write) about it…

suicideI’m grateful for those memories every day. I love you so much, Dad. You were the greatest…thank you for everything you taught me!!! xoxo

Ms. Bear’s Birthday Reflections: What? I’m 64…?!?

birthday reflectionsWhen I was just 11, the Beatles iconic song “When I’m Sixty-Four” came out. I remember the peppy beat and fun lyrics, all about old people, or so I thought! Sixty-four seemed ancient to me and I could never imagine being that age myself. Fast forward to yesterday, January 12, 2020. And….here I am, 64 years old! Wow! Here are some birthday reflections…

Now, of course, 64 seems young to me — not old at all. The real surprising thing is that Paul McCartney was only 16 when he wrote this song. He had pretty good insight about aging at such a tender age. There’s some good news and some bad news in this song for me.

For the good news, I can really relate to the first two lines of this song…

When I get older losing my hair

Many years from now

I still have all my hair! I don’t think I’ve lost nary a hair off my head. In fact, when I get my hair cut, the beautician always tells me that even though I have thin hair, I do have a lot of it.

Another positive is that as I have gotten older, I have a new appreciation for the little things, just like this verse…

Doing the garden, digging the weeds

Who could ask for more?

Of course, I’m not a gardener by any means, but I sure can relate to appreciating the little things in life. Everyone should focus on that as they go about their day. The little things can add up to the best memories. I may not grow a bumper crop of cherry tomatoes every summer, but the feeling I have when I pick them and eat them when they are warm from the sun is one of the highlights of summertime.

If I’d been out till quarter to three

Would you lock the door?

One more piece of good news…I NEVER stay out until a quarter to 3, so nothing to worry about there! And, I know if I did come home then that I am lucky I have my girls who would let me in, but not without a bit of a lecture…I can’t go out anywhere without them telling me not to drink when I am driving (which I wouldn’t do anyway! LOL).

birthday reflectionsBut, there are parts of this song that make me wistful, things that I never imagined would apply to me. No one gets married and thinks they will lose their partner when they are in their 40s. I had two young girls depending on me, and I was terrified of how we would go on.

And there’s this part…

You’ll be older too

And if you say the word

I could stay with you

This part gets me every time because Brian did not stay with us. I know he would have if he could have. We always talked about growing old together. But, I also know that he knew that I could handle this, and I did!

And, this part brought a little tear to my eye…

Every summer we can rent a cottage

In the Isle of Wight, if it’s not too dear

We shall scrimp and save

You see, we had planned on retiring to Gulf Shores, Alabama, where Brian would run a little fix-it shop and I would spend all my retirement on the beach and doing his paperwork for him.

Anyway, this song really resonated with me this year, being 64 and all. It’s been running through my head all day. It also made me happy in viewing my life now and I’m proud of myself, because, who will still need me, who will still feed me, when I’m 64? My girls, my family, my friends and my cats will all need me and I will still feed myself, at 64 and beyond!

Thanks so much for these birthday reflections, Ms. Bear!!!

In Praise of Ms. Bear’s Childlike Wonder on Her 64th Birthday

64th birthdayAs you can tell from the title of this post, it’s someone’s special day today!! Not just someone special — someone VERY special. In fact, not just someone very special — someone who is the best person in the whole universe!! Yes, today is Ms. Bear’s 64th birthday!!!

I’ve been thinking long and hard about what I wanted to say in this special birthday post. I mean, I could literally go on and on about how wonderful my mom is; I’m forever in awe of her wit and her charm and her kindness and her strength and her love for the people around her.

And then I look at photos like the ones above. Photos from her childhood, which, I’m sure to her, feel like a lifetime ago. We grow up and over time, that lens of childlike wonder through which we viewed the world tends to fade, doesn’t it? We experience life and the bad times seem to harden us, wrapping us up in a big blanket of bitterness. Sometimes, it even feels like we’re powerless in stopping that bitterness.

I know what you’re thinking: “Wasn’t this supposed to be an UPLIFTING birthday tribute??”

Oh, it is. Just keep reading and, as Ms. Bear always says, you’ll see.

So back to that overwhelming bitterness we can’t seem to escape. I don’t know how my mom did it, but guess what?? She’s one of those people who has managed to escape it!! From 4 to 64, she’s held on to her childlike wonder. That’s six decades.

She doesn’t look at the world with bitterness or negativity, even when things are at their absolute worst. She finds the best in everything and sees the best in everyone. She sees the world as a magical place full of possibilities. And, frankly, she just enjoys the heck out of life!

64th birthdayWe talk a lot about the importance of change and “growing up,” how it’s inevitable and how it’s a good thing. But I think there’s something just as important to be said about holding tightly to the same sense of wonder that you discovered in childhood and using it to discover the wonders of life as an adult. At the very least, how boring would it be otherwise?? Certainly, it would make for a very boring and bitter existence.

In the end, isn’t that really the ultimate glow-up?? Because there’s nothing more beautiful or inspiring than refusing to become jaded. I’m thankful every day that my mom pushes me to see the magic in this world instead of being bogged down by its cruelness.

Happy 64th birthday, Ms. Bear!! Thank you for filling all our lives with joy and love every day. And thank you for teaching us how to see the wonder in this world. I love you soooooooo much!!! You are magical and I’m so thankful for the light you shine on the world… xoxo

P.S. More Ms. Bear birthdays: 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019.