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Monday, March 15, 2021

My Father’s Suicide: 18 Years Ago

suicide suicideI know I say this every year, but time really is a weird thing! It’s the only thing I know that can feel both long and short at the same time — years somehow never feel like just years in the literal sense, which is something I’m continually grappling with in an effort to. So when I think about how last week marked 18 years since my father died from suicide, my mind still can’t comprehend how much time that feels like because it actually feels like a long time and like it just happened yesterday.

I’ve thought a lot about the passing of time and how you experience that time after a loved one dies from suicide; maybe I’ve even spent too much time thinking about it sometimes? All I know is that maybe time feels weird because a part of you never really left the moment your loved one died. Although I’m physically here in 2021, there’s still a part of me that never left March 10th, 2003. There’s still a part of me that’s the scared, frightened 21-year-old who doesn’t know how she’ll go on living without her father and just can’t believe that any of this is real.

It’s sort of like living in two parallel universes and something tells me that it will always be that way. But maybe that’s not necessarily a bad thing? Maybe it’s not so bad to “walk between” these two worlds, to have one foot in the past and one in the present — it’s a way to link the two perhaps? At the very least, I can’t help but feel like it’s a way to keep my dad with me, which is all I’ve ever wanted since the day he died.

suicideAnd speaking of keeping him with me, something interesting happened last week. I’m usually not one to believe in signs, but last night, a drawing of my dad and me fell down! This beautiful illustration was given to me by the talented artist Brooke Costello and I love it because it feels like a part of my dad is still with me whenever I look at it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: If you’re somehow looking down on us, Dad, I hope you’re proud of the people we’ve become!! We miss you every day and wish you were here with us…

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16 Comments Filed Under: family, my father's suicide, suicide

Tuesday, January 12, 2021

Happy Birthday to My Superhero Mom

MomMY MOM IS 65 TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She’s my rock, role model, confidante, game buddy, bright light, shining star, inspiration, happiness, comfort, heart and soul, pure joy, best friend, Bert to my Ernie and forever the person I aspire to be.

This wonderful lady has been through quite a lot in the past 12 months, so I’d just like to take a few moments to address her — the one and only Ms. Bear!!

Mom: Do you realize all you’ve been through this year?? You had a colonoscopy, another abnormal mammogram, slipped on a newly waxed floor, fell on the ice and needed a couple rounds of steroids — not related to the ice encounter, but still traumatizing in its own way!

But guess what?? You’re still standing, to paraphrase Elton John!! You’ve persevered and you have come out on top!! I know it wasn’t easy at times, like when you ended up in the emergency room last weekend after your fall on the ice, but you kept right on going and that is one of the million reasons you’re my ultimate role model.

After all your accidents and mishaps, several people jokingly said that they wanted to wrap you in bubble wrap to protect you! Honestly, it’s not a bad idea, but might I suggest endless hugs and love instead of bubble wrap?? You’re so good at taking care of yourself, so please let people take care of YOU for a change!! Let us shower you with some cozy love bombs and let us help you rest because you deserve it!

MomIt’s also one of the reasons why you’re my superhero!!! Don’t believe me? Well, check out this illustration from a fan on Instagram! Jamie creates awesome pop art and I’m in love with how she captured the two of us in our classic selfie pose…don’t we look like characters right out of a comic book??

I imagine your comic book character would go around giving loving kindness to people who desperately need it; you’d shower them with love bombs and just generally make the world a brighter, happier, calmer, more comforting place. Because that’s just your nature!! You’re one of the purest souls I know and I’m grateful every day that I get to be around such goodness and love!

And before you say “I’m fine” like you always do, remember this: Even superheroes need their rest. In the world of superheroes, I’d say you deserve rest the most.

Happy birthday, Mom!!! I love you so very much… xoxo

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7 Comments Filed Under: birthday, family, family photos

Tuesday, December 22, 2020

Happy Holidays 2020: What a Year

Happy holidaysHappy holidays, friends!

I’m going to be honest right from the beginning here. I actually debated whether or not to include the word “happy” in the title of this blog post and even now, I’m still a bit uneasy about it. It’s the end of 2020 and we’re saying goodbye to arguably the worst year of our lives — more than 300K people have died from COVID in less than a year, we’re seeing DAILY record-high numbers of new cases and deaths, people are unemployed and struggling and…well, I could go on and on and on!

So, naturally, it can be hard to see a lot of good right now. I personally have days where I’m extremely pessimistic and can’t see anything good or even redeeming about this year. Maybe you feel the same?

That’s OK if you do. In fact, I’d be surprised if you didn’t feel all this gloom and doom. It can get to be pretty overwhelming sometimes, right? Happy holidays it most definitely is not.

I went into 2020 with such a strong sense of optimism. I was going to continue to grow my career and social media platform and maybe even start seriously thinking about that book I’ve always daydreamed about — ahhh, yes, the possibilities were endless, boundless and ripe for the taking.

It was going to be MY YEAR. But — spoiler alert! — it wasn’t my year and I suspect it wasn’t your year either. Maybe that’s why posting about the “happy” holidays just doesn’t really feel right this year — almost insensitive even! Because the truth is, our lives are never going to be the same; we can pretend that everything is “normal” and just fine, but nothing has been even remotely fine for almost an entire year.

As I began reflecting on my writing career and just life in general in 2020, I started getting down on myself for not publishing as many pieces as last year and generally not being nearly as productive — or motivated. Then again, we weren’t in a pandemic last year! So here’s a Year-In-Review for the year I’m so happy to see ending soon…

Happy holidaysI blogged about love and relationships, like how disabled women are hot, an open letter to my sister for her 35th birthday, missing my father, conversations with my mom and what life in quarantine is like.

Happy holidaysDisability posts, such as why I spent a year posting selfies, why the 2020 election mattered so much, the 30th anniversary of the ADA, why I WANT you to see my wheelchair in photos and, of course, TROLLS.

Happy holidaysTons of pop culture tidbits, like my love of Frozen 2’s Kristoff, Little Women, The Baby-Sitters Club reboot, an ode to Peppermint Patty (the best Peanuts character), Chuck E. Cheese and 20 years after “Oops!… I Did It Again”!! Oh, and I also became obsessed with the Dolly Parton Challenge!

Happy holidaysAnd you all know I got deeply political too, with posts like what Trump’s Donna Reed comments reveal about misogyny, Trump’s mantrum at the Lincoln Memorial, thank you, Elizabeth Warren, the trap of Female Electability and Nancy Pelosi and that Revolutionary Rip. And of course, I had a message for Karen.

Happy holidaysI also published 17 freelance pieces this year for publications like Stylist, Travel and Leisure, SheKnows, Rooted in Rights, DAME, Washington Post and CNN Opinion. I truly loved writing about my favorite topics like disabilities, pop culture and political and social commentary. My absolute favorite, though, was getting to interview THE Bradley Whitford for my political dramas piece! As you can probably imagine, I almost died because The West Wing is just the greatest TV show on the planet! He was so nice and kind!

(Also, I still have some bylines from 2020 that I haven’t shared on the blog yet, so look for those in January!)

Of course, I would be remiss if I didn’t end this holiday post with a very important reminder:

You might not know because it’s not trending anymore, but the United States has reached 322K deaths from COVID. 322K people have died in just 10 months! This virus isn’t some intangible thing and I’m going to keep repeating this: If you’re still making holiday travel plans, JUST STOP. We’re in the middle of a pandemic. Stop trying to make normal happen…

Here I am at the local university library. It’s one of my favorite haunts, a place I loved going to for the quiet hours of writing and to get lots of work done. I took this photo on March 4th and haven’t been back there since. In fact, I’ve only left my neighborhood twice in the last nine months and those two times were for medical appointments.

We all have places we miss because of the pandemic and it’s OK to feel that sadness sometimes! But what’s not OK is being reckless and dangerous. Wear your damn mask, practice social distancing and for all that is holy, JUST STAY HOME this year!! Please. People keep saying that this pandemic is going to give us a whole new perspective and we’re all going to be changed people.

I’m over here like: Ummm, based on the shenanigans I’m seeing, y’all haven’t learned a damn thing. People being selfish and reckless. People doing whatever they want as if they’re adult toddlers. People not wearing masks.

Seriously, y’all need to GET IT TOGETHER.

Well, there you are…2020. The year that was and wasn’t in so many different ways. I don’t know about you, but I desperately need a long break!! And that’s exactly what I’m going to do! I’ll be taking my annual holiday break, enjoying time with my mom and sister and just generally getting my chill on after this wretched, wretched year. Look for new posts starting on Monday, January 11th, 2021.

Thank you so much for coming along on this journey with me this year, friends!! I’m still so shocked and grateful that people actually read my little old blog and I love you all so much! Go rest, relax and recharge and I’ll see you back here next year! May it be a better year than 2020 was!

Happy holidays — as happy as we can be right now! xoxo

And as always, feel free to connect with me on Pinterest, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and Bloglovin! See you there!!

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5 Comments Filed Under: Coronavirus, family, holidays

Friday, November 20, 2020

Thanksgiving Is Different This Year. And It Should Be.

ThanksgivingI had big plans for this week, friends!! I was going to blog every day, send some pitches out and check things off my to-do list right and left. Well, here we are — it’s Friday and this is my first blog post of the week. So you can pretty much guess how I did with those other goals…or, actually, didn’t do. But this week did get me thinking about Thanksgiving and the upcoming holiday season.

This Thanksgiving is going to be different. There’s no denying that, no getting around it, no pretending COVID doesn’t exist, no going on about our lives as if things were normal.

Because our lives? They’re not normal and they haven’t been for months. Nothing is normal. It’s been EIGHT MONTHS since I first wrote about COVID. Doesn’t that seem like a lifetime ago now? Eight months and, honestly, I sometimes feel like nothing has changed, especially when it comes to how people are living. People are brazen at best and unashamed at worst — proudly defying mask wearing and social distancing mandates in the name of their “freedom” while constantly putting others at risk.

I can’t with this nonsense anymore. And when I think about the holiday season, I just get even more afraid. Thanksgiving is less than a week away. There are now 252K people who will never get to spend another holiday — or ANY day — with their loved ones.

The least y’all could do is not be selfish with your holiday gatherings! What I’m seeing right now is a whole bunch of reckless and irresponsible.

Suffice it to say, I’m not looking forward to watching these irresponsible holiday shenanigans unfold on social media; I don’t want to see photos of your raucous family wearing ugly Christmas sweaters and huddled all close together around the tree. I promise, everyone will be OK without your secret-recipe pumpkin pie for one year, Aunt Karen!

ThanksgivingIf I sound a bit angry, well, it’s because I am. And I’m frustrated beyond belief. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen people say “people should be able to decide what they want to do without judgment.”

But here’s the thing: No one is an island. What you do — and the germs you carry — impact other people! We need to start acting like a global community and actually care about the well-being of those around us.

The pandemic isn’t over just because you want life to be “normal” again.

We can still enjoy Thanksgiving this year, though! Create a family meeting on Zoom or do a FaceTime dessert time. Our lives may not be normal right now, but that doesn’t mean we can’t create new, safe traditions and enjoy ourselves!!

Just know that if you’re feeling like you’re running on empty, I see you and I’m right there with you! I’m taking the next week off to rest and recharge and I hope you can take some time for you too!

I’ll be back to regular posting on Monday, November 30th — and I’ve got an exciting collaboration coming up in early December that I’m so excited about.

Please, please stay safe, friends!! Have a lovely, happy, distant Thanksgiving!! xoxo

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6 Comments Filed Under: Coronavirus, family, holidays

Friday, October 16, 2020

Dear Janelle: On Your 35th Birthday!

BirthdayDear Sister Bear on your birthday:

Sister Bear. That’s how your phone number is saved in my contacts and I smile every time I see it. I don’t know when we started calling each other that, but we’ve done it for as long as I can remember and it just fits us perfectly!! And today? Well, my SISTER BEAR is celebrating a birthday…

You know I’m going to fill this entire blog post with words and anecdotes about how awesome and wonderful you are and I hope you won’t be too embarrassed. The truth is, you don’t talk yourself up enough. My greatest wish is that you can be proud of yourself just for ONE DAY — for you to see yourself like the rest of the world sees you!

When I was lying in bed last night, I was thinking about what to write in this post and that’s when the creativity muse paid me a visit: Acrostic…remember those?? Naturally, it’s fitting because you have such a beautiful name, but also because there are so many things I admire about you.

So! Without further ado, I LOVE YOUR…

Journey — do you realize how fierce you are?? You’ve been through so much and you’ve survived and thrived. You are strong!!! Never, EVER forget that, OK??

Awesome mind — I love how you’re both artistic AND analytical, especially considering most people are either one or the other. You’ve got talents for both and that’s something to be proud of, if you ask me!!

Nurturing nature — you are the gentlest person I know, always showing people empathy and compassion. Can you try to show yourself the same compassion? You deserve it!

Energetic jogging — I’ve never seen anyone who runs as fast as the wind like you do!! You just zoom, zoom, zoom and I find that so inspiring!!

Laughter — there is nothing I love more than the sound of your jolly chuckles!! Like the times we watch a funny TV show (FYI, we still need to finish Baskets…) or you’re telling me about something funny you read. Those happy moments together are my favorite moments!

Loving — when I told my mom I was working on the “L” letter, she and I both immediately agreed that loving is the perfect way to describe you! You’re so kind and you make us feel loved every single day!! Thank you for that!

Exciting future — I know the future scares you sometimes, but have I’ve got a secret for you: Your future is SO BRIGHT. You’re already doing so many amazing things and I know you’re going to continue to take on this world, changing things for the better.

And through it all — all the future days we’ll share together — I’ll be standing (well, sitting…) right next to you and cheering you on.

BirthdayI’ve had this photo saved on my phone for a couple years now; I saw these words written on the sidewalk outside the library at NIU and when I saw it, I couldn’t help but feel like it was fate — you know, the kind we see all the time in Hallmark movies.

Why?

Because isn’t that what I’m telling you all the time?

YOU GOT THIS

You really do. You got this. Today, tomorrow and forever. Thank you for being who you are because who you are is beautiful and wonderful and magical and extraordinary and brave and — as you see, I could go on forever and ever and, well, EVER.

Happy, happy birthday!! I love you, Janelle… xoxo

P.S. More Janelle love: Her 24th, 25th, 26th, 27th, 28th, 29th, 30th, 32nd, 33rd and 34th birthdays.

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5 Comments Filed Under: birthday, family, Janelle

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So About What I Said is a daily blog that covers relationships, disabilities, lifestyle and pop culture. I love to laugh and have been known to overshare. I also have an unabashed obsession with pop music, polo shirts, and PEZ dispensers. Read more...

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