My Girl Talk essay on The Frisky!

Exciting news, friends! I wrote about relationships and my disability for The Frisky last week — it was so much fun, and the piece turned out really well. Here’s an excerpt…

I know that my disability will help me weed out a lot of dud dudes, but I also know that it will raise a few questions. Questions about the role my disability will play in my life and in my future. Love is complicated enough. Will he like my parents? Will he accept my unhealthy relationship with my cats? Will it be awkward when we try to kiss and my fused neck makes things, ummm, challenging? But when it comes down to it, like Julia Roberts said in “Notting Hill,” “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.” Indeed, I am just a girl, asking these questions, fused neck and all.

You can read the rest of the essay here. What do you think? I’d love to hear your thoughts! What do you think? xoxo

P.S. Read my other pieces on The Frisky here, here, here and here. Enjoy! 🙂

MEMO TO MEN: 3 disability questions I’m too scared to ask

MEMORANDUM
TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: More about those (disability) questions!
DATE: February 18th, 2014

Oh, boys, do you remember a few weeks ago when I revealed the five questions I’m too scared to ask you? You know, those looming questions that would probably hang over my head throughout our entire date like some sort of deranged white elephant in the room. I’d probably even try to work up the nerve to ask you at least one of those five questions, but I’d inevitably fail, choking on my words while trying to pretend I’d just taken too big a sip of my root beer. And then I got to thinking more about those questions, and realized something: There were more where those came from. Plenty more, actually.

Now, I know…I could have just included the following questions in my last MEMO. I mean, that would have been the easiest thing to do, right? Well, first, boys, when have you ever known me to take the easy way out? Most of the time, I go out of my way to make things all sorts of complicated and awkward. But that’s beside the point. I didn’t include the following three questions in the last batch because they’re complicated. And because they’re so complicated, I thought they deserved their own post. They have nothing to do with the frivolities of dating and everything to do with my disability and the role it will play with us. I don’t want my disability to become the white elephant in the room. I really don’t. I don’t want it to become this taboo subject that we’re both too afraid to address. And yet for some reason, I’m scared to give a voice to said questions. Maybe I’m too scared of the answer. Maybe, deep down, I already know the answer. So many possibilities are swirling in this little head of mine, so I suppose I might as well just ask them…

What would you think/do/say when you saw all my scars?
Let me tell you, boys: I’ve got scars. I’m not talking about those ‘scars’ like the one you got when you had chicken pox as a kid or the teeny, tiny bruise on your ankle from when you fell off the slide in third grade. No, no. We’re talking big, huge, honking scars here. Picture one of those foldable road maps with a bunch of highways connecting the towns, and well, that will sort of give you an idea of how my body looks. I’ve got long, winding and curving scars — all from my 26 surgeries, of course — and each one of them tells a story. On more than one occasion, I’ve even played out the scene in my head of what you’d say when you saw one for the first time. Would you just brush the whole awkwardness off and try to act cool? Would it bother you? Would you want to know the story behind that particular scar? Would all my scars scare you away? I sure hope not.

How would you feel about a woman with a disability asking you out on a date?
Would it not even be a big deal to you? I suspect that I’d be the one making it into a huge thing, and you’d be pretty laid-back about it all. But, I don’t think either of us can deny the fact that you just might be a bit caught off guard by the whole thing. I suppose my biggest fear is that you’d be holding these preconceived disability stereotypes in your head and would have a hard time getting past them. Maybe I could change all that? I like to think I could — or at least try to.

What scares you about dating a woman with a disability?
Allow me to turn the tables a bit. What are you afraid of? I can’t help but feel like something is holding you back, boys, but I just can’t seem to figure out what that something is. Fear of everything being too much work? Oh, don’t even give me that excuse because I’ve  been privy to far needier girls than myself. Trust me, it could be a lot worse. Just think about that the next time you see me rolling up to you in my blazing-red wheelchair.

Have I missed anything, boys? Anything you’d like to add? I’d love to hear your thoughts on some of these questions!! xoxo

[Photos via Le Love]

MEMO TO MEN: Wow, really? Clearing the air…

MEMORANDUM
TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: Them’s fightin’ words…
DATE: January 13th, 2014

I suppose I should preface this by saying that I don’t know if the following comments were made by men or not. But I am quite sure of one thing, boys: We could all benefit from a little refresher. Right? Of course right. So, remember when I guest posted for The Militant Baker a couple weeks ago? I was reading through the nice comments recently — well, most of the nice comments, anyway — when I came to two comments that flashed like neon signs. Actually, more like neon signs that hit me on the head and nearly knocked me over. The first…

You lose sympathy for her when you realize she isn’t interested in dating disabled men on wheelchairs. She’s talking about her “struggles” with dating fit, regular-sized, able bodied men.

Hmm, interesting. It seems I can deduce two things from your comment, whoever you are. One, you must read my blog, so thank you. And two, you must read my blog, but not very closely. You see, if you read my blog on a regular basis (and who wouldn’t want to…?), you’d know that I’ve addressed the whole dating disabled men issue a looong time ago. It just feels sort of like old news now. Really, it just feels like you’re grasping at straws here, and that’s most definitely not very attractive. At all. But, in the interest of full disclosure, and just so there’s never anymore confusion, of course I would date a man in a wheelchair. Part of me is even sad that I have to come right out and be so blunt about a question like that. After all, it’s 2014…you’d think we’d have come farther than that.

But it was the second comment that made me roll my eyes and let out a huge sigh like Judge Judy when the defendant just has no idea how all that stolen merchandise got in his car. This comment is one heck of a dozy, boys, so prepare yourself…

Melissa cannot accept the fact that men are not attracted to her. Unfair as it may be, the wheelchair DOES matter. Her disfigurement DOES matter. It doesn’t matter how smart, witty, or sarcastic she is. She might have better luck concentrating on men who are disabled and disfigured like her.

Again, it’s 2014. Come on. I can’t help but feel like disfigured is such a derogatory term here. And thank goodness I’m not as pessimistic as this commenter. I have a hard time believing that all men would recoil in terror at the sight of me. Do you know how many men there are on this planet? A ton.

Now, I won’t pretend that I’m surprised by these sorts of comments. After all, five years of blogging has given me a pretty thick skin. I’ve learned to take these sorts of words with a minuscule grain of salt. In fact, I’ve even mastered the whole routine: Read comment, scrunch face like Judge Judy, feel said comment metaphorically roll off my back. But there are times when I need to stand up for myself — and for all women with disabilities. This is one of those times.

So, the lesson here, boys? Don’t believe everything you read about me. Chances are, it’s not true. Love is a lot more thrilling and complicated than what you see on the surface. Unless it’s a comment from one of the people above. Then it probably is just empty and shallow. But I believe in you and trust that you’ll know the difference between the two… xoxo

[Photo via Le Love]

MEMO TO MEN: 3 reasons I’d make a better Bachelorette

MEMORANDUM
TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: Re-inventing the Bachelorette
DATE: May 28, 2013

So, boys, it’s come to my attention (thanks, Twitter…) that there’s a new Bachelorette in town. I hear she started her quest last night to find Mr. Right. I didn’t get a chance to DVR the episode — my DVR is filled to the brim with Mad Men and a season and a half of Gossip Girl — but all this frenzied excitement surrounding this newest gal and her suitors-in-waiting made me think of one thing: My own dreams of yore. Yes, as hard as it is to believe, I once dreamed of being one of those starry-eyed, rose-wielding bachelorettes

And, well, if I’m being completely honest, maybe a part of me still does. I mean, remember my Bachelorette Quest from a few years ago? Yeah, I know, it was pretty gosh darn epic, wasn’t it? So with that in mind, boys, I give you some new testimony — three reasons why I’d make a fabulous bachelorette…

You could be my first time
No, no, you silly boys, I’m not talking about that sort of first time. I’m talking about the first-date-and-first-kiss kind. And yes, I know it would be broadcast on national television. And yes, I know I’d be pretty nervous — we’re talking might-be-shaking-palms-sweating nervous. But I promise you that it will be real, so if I’m that nervous, I can only imagine how nervous you’ll be.

I’ll be real and honest
There’s that word again. Real. Something that is sadly lacking in reality television in 2013, which makes me miss the early days of shows like The Real World and American Idol. But I digress. My turn as the Bachelorette? I can guarantee that I’d give you one dose of real, boys, and I’d expect you to give me nothing less in return.

One word: Diversity
Let me be real again for a moment — there hasn’t been much diversity when it comes to those bachelorettes. A change of hair color is about as diverse as things will get. But just think of all the sorts of diversity I’d bring; it’s pretty safe to say there hasn’t really been a person like me on network TV. The time has come, don’t you think, boys? If for no other reason than to show the world that women with disabilities are just like other women with the same hopes, dreams, fears and — gasp! — desires!

It’s time to start changing the world, boys! I’d say it’s time to gather 25 of you, give me a rose and watch those sparks fly! Are you with me? xoxo

NYC Diaries: The one in which I learn to own my ‘flaws’

When I was a little girl, I was a big fan of Disney princess movies. I wanted to be glamorous and pretty just like them, and I wanted more than anything for my own personal Prince Charming to fall madly in love with me for being so glamorous and pretty. It seemed like a practical and obvious dream at the time. If Cinderella could attract her perfect man with just a warm smile and a kind heart (being a princess seemed to require a kind heart, didn’t it?), why shouldn’t I aspire to do the same? Well, I’m an adult now. And love is complicated, to say the least.

So I’ve spent half my life obsessing over improving my looks and striving to be stick-skinny in hopes that I’d attract Mr. Right. I’ve spent countless hours in front of my bedroom mirror trying to minimize the appearance of my physical disability, certain that my future prince would not be attracted by a hunk of metal that made up my artificial left arm. I thought I had everything figured out, and I believed I’d live a happy life if I was pretty enough to catch his eye and nice enough to keep him interested. I never considered that maybe the thing that I so desperately tried to hide exactly what a guy could fall for.

In my (albeit somewhat limited) dating experience, I’ve always been a sucker for the classic compliments every girl wants to hear: “you’re beautiful,” “you’re so sweet.” And those are great, but recently someone tried a completely different line. He told me that he was attracted by my strength, which was a trait I never gave much thought to in terms of impressing a guy. He said that I seemed like the kind of girl who could get through anything and still put on a brave face afterward. And yes, he mentioned how my disability contributed to that.

This boggled my mind. In previous relationships, my physical difference had been something to overlook or accept. It was never something I thought of as an asset. But now I can appreciate my disability as part of who I am and as something that has given me the strength I rely on today. And now that I’ve grown to love myself and become much more confident, I realize that that courage I rock on a daily basis is pretty damn hot.

So maybe I’m not a Disney princess, perfectly pretty and put-together, but I know how to own my flaws. And I also know now that the perfect guy for me will be attracted by the things, glamorous or not, that make me who I am and by the strength behind my struggles.

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–By Caitlin from Stream of Caitlinness


[Top print by Rep Set Goal; other photos via We Heart It]