My Essay on YourTango: “8 Ways My Disability Will Be Amazing For My Love Life”

I’ve been over-the-moon excited about sharing my new essay with you, friends! I’d spent so looooong (read: years!) thinking my disability would be this huge, negative elephant in the corner when it came to dating that I pretty much psyched myself out about the whole thing.

And then, like a lightning bolt of common sense, it hit me: IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY! Where had this revelation been hiding all my life? Under a rock? How had I missed it all these years?
Well, leave it to me to write about that very subject in “8 Ways My Disability Will Be Amazing For My Love Life,” which went live on YourTango last week. Here’s an excerpt of the essay, in which I seriously use the phrase wing woman…

I’ll just cut to the emotionally revealing, music-swelling rom-com monologue right now: I’m a woman with a physical disability. I’ve also never been on a date or had a boyfriend.
That’s not to say I’ve never fallen in love because I have. Many times. I’ve fallen hard and I’ve fallen fast and I’ve also fallen somewhere in between the two. They made my heart want to leap out of my chest and do cartwheels down the street like a scene from one of those old-time-y cartoons.

But as I got older, something clicked. I realized that any sort of acceptance had to start with me. I had to learn to love myself — all of myself — before any man ever could. My entire life, I’d never thought of my disability as anything but a negative thing, especially when it came to dating and relationships.

But maybe it didn’t have to be so black and white. Maybe it could just be one more awesome asset on the road to finding The One.

You can read the full essay here and I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to email me anytime at mellow1422@aol.com and let’s chat! And of course, feel free to share my essay on Facebook, Twitter or even your local refrigerator. If you share on Twitter, be sure to tag me @melissablake so we can connect! I can’t wait to hear from you! Love you all… xoxo

Love Lounge: On Learning To Love Myself

I know a lot, but one thing that has always eluded me?

Guys.

They’re a different breed, a different language, something I’m constantly trying to figure out — usually, without much success. In fact, I usually end up even more confused when I try to think too hard about them. Trying to figure them out only ever leaves me with one of those cartoon bubbles over my head full of millions of question marks.

Yes, it’s that confusing, my friends.

The thing is, I used to be certain of what they didn’t want: Me. I was never the kind of girl they chased after with bouquets of roses or sent adorable, emoji-filled texts to. They wanted blondes and brunettes with long, lanky legs, not legs with a mess of scars on them.

They didn’t want me. I wasn’t what they’d desire or even fantasize about.

What is love? Certainly, I’ve never known romantic love, the kind of storybook fantasy, whirlwind courtship that leaves you dancing on air. As a writer and blogger, I’ve toiled in the world of emotions for years — as long as I can remember, actually. Heck, I’ve made a career out of it; it’s my life’s work. I’ve written about wanting love, being scorned, unrequited love and all those times I’ve fallen for medical residents. And through it all, I’ve somehow managed to maintain a seamless balance between confident superwoman and vulnerable, insecure novice. I so often viewed myself through the lens of how I was certain others saw me.

Read: Guys.

So I hid a huge part of myself, deep down where no one could see, touch and most importantly, hurt me. I rationalized it as going into hibernation, a sort of survival mode. Sadly, I couldn’t get to her. It seemed no one could. Maybe the self-confidence woman in me was trying to protect me in a way. If I pretended that I didn’t care, that the last thing I ever wanted was a guy, maybe I could trick myself into believing it was all actually true.

But, my gosh, how insulting is that to myself and the strong woman I’m always striving to be? What is that teaching her about value and self-worth and something as simple as believing in yourself? How can I ever expect to love myself if I don’t look at me, but instead just choose to take cues from other people — people that, quite honestly, don’t matter all that much in the end?

I sometimes want to shake my former self just to wake her up! I’m still learning, but I feel like I’m finally on the path to fully loving myself. No more apologizing. No more denying. No more hiding. When I look in the mirror these days, I can actually see myself. That sounds weird, I know. It’s not like I’m a ghost! I’ve always been there, obviously, but it was like I was finally seeing myself for the first time. I saw for the first time what I should have been seeing all along: A woman of strength and character with one sexy brain.

What’s been your experience in learning to love yourself, friends? What obstacles have you encountered and how have you dealt with them? What advice would you give your former self or others currently struggling? xoxo

[Photo via We Heart It]

My Essay on POPSUGAR: “7 Ways I’m Happier in My 30s”

Remember my surprise 30th birthday party? I know…it seems like ages ago to me, too! Where does the time go? As a writer, I’ve found there’s really only one thing to do about it — write about it!

I’m excited to have “7 Ways I’m Happier In My 30s” up on POPSUGAR Love (you can read my first essay here), and the surprisingly refreshing thing I realized? I ABSOLUTELY love being in my 30s. Seriously, I highly recommend this decade! It’s like you’re at a point where you’re still young enough to have fun, but you’re old enough to no longer care what people think. It’s a great time to be alive, I tell you!

Anyway, here’s an excerpt of the essay, which includes the one phrase that I’ve ditched from my vocabulary…

I’d known what to expect from my fourth decade for, well, decades — at least in terms of what I’d seen portrayed on television. Remember that show Thirtysomething from the early ’90s? As a kid, I’d watch it with my mom and think, “OMG, what if I get that old?”
The characters were in a perpetual state of being stressed out, overworked, and overwhelmed. That, I reasoned, is what getting old must be like. That is what I had to look forward to.

Fast-forward to 2011 and I’m at my 30th birthday party. It’s a surprise party, and the irony of it all is not lost on me: Surprise! How had this day come already? It just seemed to sneak up on me. What happened?
BBB
I’d spent so much time mourning the loss of my 20s, as if I’d just reached some sort of finish line and my life was over, that I’d failed to see the promise of entering a new decade.

This year, I turn 35 — that odd age where you’re too old to still say you’re in your early 30s but still too young to elicit sympathy when you complain to someone about how old you feel.

But nonetheless, there’s no denying this decade has changed me already. In ways I expected and ways I’m still learning about every day. Here, seven surprising ways my happiness has soared so far.

You can read the full essay here and I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to email me anytime at mellow1422@aol.com and let’s chat! And of course, feel free to share my essay on Facebook, Twitter or even your local refrigerator. If you share on Twitter, be sure to tag me @melissablake so we can connect! I can’t wait to hear from you! Love you all… xoxo

Ms. Bear on Her 38th Wedding Anniversary

It’s June 10th again! On this day 38 years ago, Brian and I were married. When you are a widow (and I imagine it’s the same for widowers), anniversaries are certainly a bittersweet day. I remember the joy of my wedding day and the promise that each tomorrow held. I didn’t know that we wouldn’t even make it to our 25th anniversary before Brian died.

Such a happy day, and look at how young we all were!

If I could give one piece of advice to the newly married, it would be to take that part about sickness and health very seriously. When I got married, I had no idea that Brian would get so sick and die so young, and that it would all happen in just a mere five-month period! I know I didn’t give that a thought as we recited our vows, or maybe I did, but in the way of the young, I never thought it would happen to us! But, when you think about it, each couple will have one partner die first (unless they die at the same time, which is really statistically unlikely!).

Anyway, this June 10th, I decided to bask in the happy memories and let the regrets go. Happy Anniversary to Brian and me…it was a ride well worth taking!

And, our greatest collaboration and accomplishment was getting these 2 wonderful girls!

Well, today is the last day of my guest posting on Melissa’s blog. I have a newfound respect for her and will be glad to go back to my regular life next week. Melissa will be back bright and early on Monday morning, so make sure you come back! Have a wonderful weekend, everyone!

Ms. Bear on the Stories Behind Family Photos

Melissa thought that the topic she gave me for the blog today — Fun Family Photos — would be an easy one for my first day at summer school. Alas, was she ever wrong! Why, you might ask? Well, we have spent a couple of hours looking through and reminiscing about all the pictures. Thank goodness for my mother, who saved and labeled all these hundreds of pictures over the years. Here are a few favorites (featuring Melissa Blake, of course!)…

Here is Melissa’s dad, who would spend literally hours holding her up at the beach. I remember him saying once, with tears in his eyes, “I just want her to feel the sand under her feet.” Melissa couldn’t have asked for a better dad!

The girls with their Cabbage Patch dolls…how they loved them. We couldn’t really afford them back then, but we made sure each girl had one! Melissa’s was named Emma, and you can see how Emma always got casts in the O.R. when Melissa did! Janelle’s doll was named Hedda, and how she loved her (and, as you can tell by the picture, she really loved her big sister!).

Even back in the day, Melissa and I were big game players. Not a day goes by now that she and I don’t have some spirited game-playing fun! (note from Melissa: I usually LOSE the games, even though, in my defense, I do try my hardest!).

And, we’ll finish off with the little red-haired girl, as Brian and I used to call her! She was soooo cute!!! This is her little bike that she could actually scoot around on her own. I still have the pair of shoes that have big, gaping holes in the toes from all the riding!!

Thanks so much for sharing some family pictures today!!!