Ms. Bear on Ponderings During a Pandemic

PandemicIf you’re like us, then you’ve probably been practicing social distancing as much as you can for the last week. These are scary times, friends, and my mom wanted to write some thoughts down — for herself, for us and for future generations. So, here’s Ms. Bear with some ponderings during a pandemic…

Is anyone else feeling disoriented and a bit surreal? I sure am. Sometimes during the day, I forget about COVID-19, but then it hits me when I least expect it. I feel that I can only think about it so much before I have to do something else. It’s downright scary! Who would have thought a few short weeks ago that we would all be quarantined in our houses? Heck, I couldn’t even spell quarantined before this all happened — spell check just autocorrected it for me!

So, I keep thinking, trying to make sense of what the whole world, literally, is going through right now. It causes a bit of a hurricane in my brain as I try to think about it. I can narrow down my thoughts to a few lessons I am taking with me along the way…

1. As Mr. Rogers always said, “Look for the helpers.”

These are the folks who still report to work, even though it is dangerous for them to do so. They are out there taking care of the sick, stocking the shelves with necessities for us to buy, preparing food, donating time and/or money to help the less fortunate, spending 8 hours a day caring for the elderly at the nursing homes and so many more. Teachers at home preparing daily lessons, workers in doctors’ offices and hospitals, police and fire people are all the utmost in helpers. So are the moms and dads who are at home with their kids, trying to teach them the lessons the teachers have so lovingly prepared for them. If you can, do something special for anyone that you see as a helper. You don’t need to go out of your house; you can send a note through the mail, send a food gift card or drop off a bag of fruit on their front porch. We have to look for the helpers, right, Mr. Rogers?

Pandemic2. Let’s talk toilet paper!

C’mon, people, there is no reason to hoard it, or anything, as a matter of fact. It’s the 21st Century, not the Spanish Flu Pandemic of 1918. Stop hoarding everything! Leave things for others — you are not the only family out there. Nor are you the most important!!! One of my favorite Frasier quotes, which I actually have to remind myself of once in awhile, is “Copernicus called and YOU are not the center of the universe!”

3. It’s time to get creative!

Keep your body and mind moving. Binge-watching is fine; in fact, I would say it is a necessity to take our minds off things! But, you can walk where no one is (I’ve been out every day since this happened and never run into anyone). You can also Youtube some exercises and play along (Zumba, anyone?). You can read, do math or crossword puzzles or my favorite, logic puzzles (even though I am not good at them!). If you have an e-reader like the Kindle, there are literally thousands of things to browse before you decide what you should read.

Pandemic4. Let’s use this time to stop the madness of the lives we were living before!

You know the ones I am talking about — our lives pre-pandemic. Rushing around, feeling so important, unable to relax because there is JUST SO MUCH TO DO!! On my walk yesterday, I saw a robin and I just stopped to admire him and, actually, I talked to him for a minute (remember, I never see anyone on my walks…lol). I also felt some water fall on my head when I was under a tree and instead of feeling mad, I stopped, looked up and saw beautiful drops of rain hanging off the branches. Look for the beauty, friends, because it’s still out there — even during this pandemic!!!

Ms. Bear: On Hurting, Healing and Happiness

HealingJune 10th. I remember Brian and I smiling ear to ear after we picked the date for our wedding. You know, the giddiness of the newly engaged and all. Just thinking about that makes me smile. As I enjoyed this memory, it got me thinking about the long and winding trajectory that lets me sit here, by my open kitchen window, right around the time Brian and I were married and actually smiling. You see, after someone you love dies, a funny thing happens. For me, I can’t pinpoint when the healing started, but I can see the results of it as I sit here, wrapped in my happy memories of my wedding day.

Year one was what I call the “Ugly Year.” Lots of crying, some yelling, a few objects being thrown…well, you get the idea. Suicide leaves behind an anger that I hope I never have to experience again. Then, year two turned into something I call the “Lonely Year.” There were lots and lots of tears, lots of listening to Norah Jones as I drove to Panera for soup just to get some time alone in the car to cry and cry (and still yell a bit too, if I am being honest!). There was the time I hit my head on an end table and had to drive myself to the ER as I held a towel to my bleeding head, screaming at Brian the whole time about why he ever thought it was OK to leave me behind with our two beautiful daughters, who were suffering as much, or even more, than I was. I always said it was like we were underwater in the first few years, but only one of us was able to get to land at a time. We honestly couldn’t help each other very much, as we were lost in the sea of suicide survivor grief. We were helpless in the depths of a hurricane.

But, then something happened. Each year that has passed has brought more peace and healing to our lives. The violent dreams have turned to dreams of Brian how he used to be, not how I found him or how he was when he had cancer. He laughs in the dreams now, and I laugh along with him. He looks healthy and strong and it is a gift to finally remember him that way.

HealingNow, on my anniversary or his birthday or March 10th, the day he died, I remember him with happiness. I don’t need to stay in bed all day the way I did the first couple of years. Oh, sure, we still get sad, but to be honest, I welcome the sadness; it is a testament to what I have lost. But, in getting lost for all those years during the healing, I have also found myself again, and for that I am thankful. I have healed, and I hope that wherever Brian is, he is healed too.

Happy anniversary, Brian. I’ll see you in my dreams…

Ms. Bear: What I’ve Learned As a Suicide Survivor

Suicide SurvivorIt’s no secret that my mom has a way of saying things that are at once both calming and reaffirming. She’s been through a lot, and yet, she remains the strongest woman I know. I’m so grateful to have her on the blog today sharing her wisdom and insight as a suicide survivor. She’s definitely one you want to have in your corner… xoxo

Sixteen years! Sixteen years? Sixteen years. No matter what type of punctuation follows those two little words, it is still unbelievable to me that I have been a widow for that long. When I was married at age 22, if anyone had told me I would be a widow at age 47, I never would have believed it. Actually, there are times I still can’t believe that much time has passed. I feel like I have some insight into what it is like to be a suicide survivor and I have learned so much about this process and about myself over all these years.

The first thing I learned is that living after a loved one’s suicide is survivable. When Brian first died, I remember thinking to myself that the girls and I would never make it. The girls seemed so fragile to me. Melissa had her physical challenges and Janelle had her mental health issues. We all had our issues with the suicide and the anger that it brought us. It was pretty ugly around our house for a couple of years. It seemed that one of us would be doing better, but the other two couldn’t respond because we were still feeling like we were underwater. Then the next day, the situation would be reversed. We were never all OK at the same time. It’s hard to show empathy to someone when you are drowning yourself.

I also learned that the grief of suicide can be too much for many people. I remember talking to various professionals and feeling that they had no clue! It’s one thing to read about suicide grief in school, but quite another to be facing someone across from you who is just a shell of a person. How do you help them? Sometimes the best you can do is just sit there. Oftentimes there were no words that could help. The biggest thing that helped me was hearing my therapist tell me, every week for 7 years, that I had been through a terrible trauma and that I had to deal with the trauma before I could face the grief. She was so right. There was a page in a book I read that saved my life, as I read it over and over… it was called ‘What to Do If You Found the Body‘ from the book “Healing Your Traumatized Heart” and explained the process people go through with a violent death.

So often in suicide, we gloss over the sheer horror of what survivors have experienced in favor of the more socially acceptable and sanitary stages of grief. “Oh, she’s in the anger stage” or “She’s depressed” instead of “She’s reliving finding the body every minute of every day.” Not everyone can hear what the survivors need to say.

Suicide SurvivorWe had to change psychiatrists several times. One cancelled an appointment on Melissa because she didn’t fill out the paperwork ahead of time. Seriously, she couldn’t even write her name and they wanted her to fill out a packet of papers! Another just couldn’t be supportive of us and sort of dropped us…never returned calls and that sort of thing, even as both the girls were in and out of the hospital with depression. We were so fragile that these incidents threw us into a tailspin. But, we knew we needed help and we finally found what we needed so the healing could begin.

Suicide survivors learn quickly who are safe people to talk to about their grief. But, in some cases, it takes longer to realize who is a safe person and who is not. It’s especially problematic when others are grieving the same loss that you are, only in their own way. Sometimes there is no resolution.
Suicide survivors should not be asked how their loved one died. If they want to talk about it, they will. Again, survivors have a keen sense of who is safe to share with and who is not.

Above all, never tell a suicide survivor how to grieve or how long they should grieve (this actually goes for any type of death). Never ask a widow if they are going to get married again. Never say their spouse was selfish for killing themselves. Never compare anyone’s grief to yours. All grief is painful and it is certainly not a contest!

What can you do for a suicide survivor? You can sit in silence. You can bring a meal. You can remember them on anniversaries, no matter how long it has been. You can tell them you are there for them, and then be there. You can be gentle with them if they are struggling. The best thing you can do for a suicide survivor (and anyone grieving) is to talk about the person they lost, use their name and share memories. These are the things I needed, and still need, after losing Brian.

Suicide SurvivorI am so thankful for all the safe people in my life. I couldn’t have made it without them! So, if you know a suicide survivor, strive to be that person that they know will be there for them, no matter what. It is a precious gift!

The Wonderful World of Winter, According to Ms. Bear

WinterIt’s no secret around our house that I like the winter. There is a magic in it. I think some of that comes from the feeling of wonder I had as a child when it would snow.

I was in elementary school during the Blizzard of ‘67 and I have a couple vivid memories of it, as well as a couple of lessons learned! I remember my mom telling me there would be no school that day. Being the rather neurotic child that I was, I didn’t believe her. And my mom, never one to be a helicopter parent, told me to go ahead and get dressed in my winter gear and go see for myself.

So, off I set, with my spindly (I was so skinny….there’s a phrase I have never said again since adulthood! LOL) little legs, down the street. Well, I didn’t get anywhere near the school because the streets weren’t plowed and the snow was literally up to my thighs! So, I made my way home and settled in for a snow day!

My second memory/lesson learned about snow was that you have to be careful of it. This was a two-part lesson. First, when my mom was little, their car got stuck up in the UP of Michigan, a not-uncommon occurrence. She got out to help my grandpa push the car and her hand went right through the headlight! So, I have always been super careful about where I push on a stuck car!

WinterThen, there is this great story, which is funny now, but wasn’t at the time. My mom and dad were out shoveling the driveway. My dad had moved the car out when they were working and he went to pull it back in. He saw my mom still in the driveway and gave a shocked look like he couldn’t stop. My mom actually thought he actually couldn’t stop and hurried to get out of the way. Well, you can see where this is going….she tried to move quickly and of course, fell right down! Now, if you didn’t live through that blizzard, you probably can’t imagine a time when you couldn’t go anywhere for days, but that’s just what happened. It turned out she broke her arm!!! Then, later after they had put a splint on her at home, my poor dad went to hug her and tripped right into her arm. I remember my mom swearing….she never did that! Looking back it was so funny, but it took about 3 days for my poor mother to get a cast put on that and for the rest of their lives my dad felt so, so bad! Lesson learned….don’t goof around in a 4,000-pound vehicle!!!

And, speaking of snow days….we have had a record number this year and I am totally enjoying every hour with nothing to do. Sitting by the fireplace (see below…), reading, playing games (of course) and watching NCIS have passed the days nicely. I’m even trying some of the tidying up lessons, thanks to Marie Kondo!

WinterIf you live where there is snow, go outside, watch the flakes fall, see the shimmering of the sun and just take a few minutes to enjoy the beauty of this majestic season. Spring will be here soon enough, so enjoy today and all winter has to offer us!

Ms. Bear on Lessons of the Summer and a Fall…

Lessons of the SummerWell, here it is, friends!! As promised…Ms. Bear has returned to the blog in all her glory! Today, she shares her lessons of the summer and how a nasty fall on one of the first days of school put everything into perspective! As always, she’s bringing the wisdom once again and I always appreciate when she shares that wisdom with us! xoxo

It is so interesting to me that during the summer, I feel like I get more in touch with myself. That’s not always as pleasant as it sounds, however! LOL.

During the school year, life is just like a whirlwind — getting from one day to the next and enjoying the weekends in between. Time just flies by. But, during the summer, there is a bit more downtime. With this extra time comes a certain quietness to the days, even when I am still working summer school. There is time for leisurely lunches, plenty of time to go exercise at the Y, lots of staying up late and sleeping in…well, you get the picture.

However, this extra time also brings with it two challenges. The first is the fact that I really don’t have any hobbies besides exercising! That’s all well and good, but you can’t (and shouldn’t) exercise all the time! I used to be a voracious reader, but now I only read in the evenings. I also used to play my piano, but that has gone by the wayside with the fast pace of life, not to mention the temptation of checking things out online. I also used to spend hours at the public library, but, again, the allure of the computers always ropes me in! This is the first thing I need to work on before I retire! I need to get my hobbies back! I think I need some brand-spanking new hobbies to spice up my life a bit!

The second challenge downtime brings me is that it gives me time to think about Brian, which is a nice thing to do, but brings its own set of issues with it. During the summer, there is more time for me to notice other couples out together. Sometimes I just stop, as I think of what could have been. It also makes me think about what our lives would be like right now if Brian were still here. The most challenging thing this extra time brings is the flashbacks of Brian’s suicide, something I can push out of my mind when I am super busy during the school year. While the initial pain and shock are nowhere near what they were the first few years after his death, sometimes I am still brought to a standstill for a few minutes, as I continue the processing that I think will go on for the rest of my life.

Lessons of the SummerSo, in trying to tie both parts of the title of this post together, what does all this have to do with my recent fall??? I learned a very valuable lesson this month from my fall. A bit of catch-up for you: On August 13th, I was out in my yard, all happy and hyped up about coming home from one of the first days back to work. I went out into the yard to place my union yard sign (another story…) and the ground was so hard that I literally tripped right over the sign and landed ON MY HEAD, right on the sidewalk! You know how head wounds bleed, so I ran in the house, screaming for the girls. Janelle, the newly minted CNA, told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to go to the ER right then. Nine hours, 7 stitches, one CAT scan and a boatload of aggravation, dizziness and tears later, Janelle got me home. It’s been quite the recovery and has proven to me that if I don’t slow down, bad things are bound to happen. But, if I do slow down, then I have all the above issues to deal with. I’m sure you can see the irony in this.

So, indirectly, the Great Fall of 2018 has given me a not-so-gentle nudge from the universe telling me that it is my time to start thinking of some of the things I need to think about to prepare for this next phase of my life which will be coming up in a few years. Kind of a scary prospect for me, but I can see now that there are things in my life that I need to change. And, hard as it may be to slow down and make these changes, I think I’m ready for it. Time will tell and I will keep you posted!

Special thanks to Melissa for letting me spill all this out on the blog. It will certainly help to hold me accountable the next time I become totally complacent with my life and stop moving forward. Here’s to the future! Someday, I am going to have to retire and I want to be ready for the fun and sun — and hopefully some new hobbies!

[Thanks to Janelle for snapping the cute photo of Ms. Bear on the slide]