Tuesday Tunes: Britney Spears’ “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman”

Editor’s Note: Song lyrics denoted in bold italics.

As I’ve said before, I came of age during the HUGE teen pop explosion of the late ’90s. For anyone not in the know, this was a grand old time to be alive. It was a far simpler time, long before the modern trappings of things like the Internet and Donald Trump, and life moved at a much slower pace. As you can probably imagine, I was just as obsessed with pop culture back then — maybe even more so than today — and I easily got swept up in the bubblegum pop craze that all my fellow young people got hooked on. Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore, *Nsync, the Backstreet Boys — they were all in constant rotation on my CD player. And yes, I’m talking about one of those classic CD players; they just don’t make them like they used to, do they?

But I digress — that’s another topic for another post. Like I said, I jammed along to the sweet sounds of that pop music and memorized all the lyrics — ballads were usually my favorite, in case you were wondering. Through it all, though, one favorite stood out above the rest…

Britney Spears’ “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman”
From Britney

Back then, there wasn’t such a thing as fandom names, but if there were, I’m pretty sure I would have been in that squad. I mean, how could you NOT love Ms. Brit? She sang. She danced. She got to be on the arms of one Justin Timberlake in a matching denim ensemble that was downright fly for its time. But more than that, she was real. It was a refreshing quality for a pop singer; it felt like she could just be one of your girlfriends — you know, the kind you hang out with on a Friday night and gossip down at the local ice cream shop. Her songs, naturally, also spoke to me. They told the sorts of tales of teenage yearning and growing and broken hearts, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I’d spend hours watching her videos and singing along at the top of my lungs.

I used to think
I had the answers to everything
But now I know
Life doesn’t always go my way, yeah…
Feels like I’m caught in the middle
That’s when I realize…

It really is true what they say: Youth is wasted on the young. It’s the time of our lives and we don’t even know it. We think we know everything, though, and won’t listen to anyone who tells us differently. Never mind the fact that we haven’t exactly seen the world, but we like to think we have the answer to all the questions in the universe. What must it be like to be that self-assured? I certainly don’t remember how it felt, but it must have been comforting to feel like there wasn’t any problem we couldn’t solve or any obstacle that we couldn’t overcome. Those coming-of-age years? They were like living in a cocoon — a protective shell — that hadn’t hardened us to the world yet or made us jaded. We saw the world with such innocent eyes and fully believed that’s how we’d see things forever. I know I never envisioned a future in which I wasn’t wearing those rose-colored glasses.

I’m not a girl
Not yet a woman
All I need is time
A moment that is mine
While I’m in between

Yet as we get older, life quickly becomes complicated. We’re wrestling out of that cocoon, but we’re not a butterfly yet, so it’s not like we can exactly just fly away. We’re caught in the middle and it can be an overwhelmingly scary place to be. We’ve got time, but sometimes, time is the last thing we want. We welcome it, but also rail against it with everything we have. Even now, I still feel that way sometimes. We want to grow up, to move forward, but we’re scared. Deep down, we wonder if we can do it and we doubt ourselves. Those inner voices can get mighty loud at times — don’t you just want to tell them to SHUT UP already??


I’m not a girl
There is no need to protect me
It’s time that I
Learn to face up to this on my own
I’ve seen so much more than you know now
So don’t tell me to shut my eyes

Eventually, I suppose, we all get to a point where our confidence takes off — soars like that butterfly, perhaps?? We realize that, YES, we can do this crazy thing called life. We’ve been through a lot and don’t give ourselves nearly enough credit. We’re stronger than we think and far wiser than we may feel.

I didn’t really come to that conclusion until after my father died, and I don’t think it’s a revelation that anyone else can lead you to. It’s all part of that journey you have to walk on your own, at your own pace, in your own time. Maybe we’ll always be on the journey, and we’ll just stop at different stages in life. I sort of like to think about life in those terms, don’t you?? Sort of how we never really stop learning. We also never stop growing and learning more about who we are… xoxo

In The Pursuit of Happiness: Jennifer Aniston on Society’s Expectations For Women

She’ll be there for us — see what I did there? Jennifer Aniston stood up to body bullies everywhere last week when she took to the Internet to dispel those pesky pregnancy rumors that she just can’t seem to dodge these days.

Everyone’s favorite friend (ha, I did it again!) penned a refreshingly real and honest essay for The Huffington Post in which she took aim at the unrealistic expectations our society places on women…

If I am some kind of symbol to some people out there, then clearly I am an example of the lens through which we, as a society, view our mothers, daughters, sisters, wives, female friends and colleagues. The objectification and scrutiny we put women through is absurd and disturbing. The way I am portrayed by the media is simply a reflection of how we see and portray women in general, measured against some warped standard of beauty.

But what I *really* loved? I mean, loved to the point that I wanted to pump my fist in the air and scream, “YES! Thank you, Jennifer! That’s one victory for women!” — however, I’m in the quiet library right now, so I figured that wasn’t the very best idea…

Here’s where I come out on this topic: we are complete with or without a mate, with or without a child. We get to decide for ourselves what is beautiful when it comes to our bodies. That decision is ours and ours alone. Let’s make that decision for ourselves and for the young women in this world who look to us as examples. Let’s make that decision consciously, outside of the tabloid noise. We don’t need to be married or mothers to be complete. We get to determine our own “happily ever after” for ourselves.

Hmmm, writing our own version of happily ever after. In our culture, that’s sort of a radical, out-there notion, isn’t it? We’re conditioned to want and strive for certain things in life — boyfriend, wedding, house, kids. In that order. If we deviate from that script, even ever so slightly, we’re criticized or labeled or bullied. And even though it shouldn’t, all this finger wagging can mess with our confidence and sense of self. We start to question if we’re on the “right” path and what is wrong with us if we’re not.

I know I’ve never been immune to all this bullying, and I’m forever having this internal conversation with myself where I’m trying to talk myself out of getting down on myself. Because it’s all too easy to let that outside noise become the voice you start to hear in your head — and we all know that outside noise is the LAST thing you need to be listening to. It lies and tries to get you all sorts of worked up. At the very least, I’ve found, it just makes you extremely tired and exhausted.

So, I say we change the conversation. I say we stop putting ourselves and others down just because of those crazy “expectations” we grew up with. I say we start living life on our terms, bullies be damned. And at the end of the day, I say we start celebrating each other because we’re pretty darn awesome just as we are. Who’s with me and Jennifer?? #BeBraveBeYou xoxo

P.S. More wise words on feminism, finding balance, body image, mental illness and being yourself! 🙂

Maximum Middle Age Is The New Website You Need To Bookmark

I’m a big fan of getting sucked down the Internet rabbit hole. I literally could spend hours on ending scrolling and reading, reading and scrolling. Some people enjoy knitting. I enjoy interneting — it’s my way of relaxing.

So it’s no wonder I was beyond excited when I heard about Maximum Middle Age, the new site launched by writer Eve Vawter and celebrating women over 35 — an age group often forgotten in our Twitter generation of hashtags and sound bytes. Seeing as how I’ll be a member of the over-35 set in no time, I could really identify with their mission statement…

What we all have in common is the sense we’re under-represented online, and that’s why we started MaxMA. We may be old, but we ain’t dead yet.

There is some much ageist BS directed towards us women of a certain age. Just because you live past the age of 30 doesn’t mean you stop caring about pop culture and beauty and style and women’s issues. Plus, there’s a whole other host of things that affect us as we age, our own parents getting older, our careers, our own kids starting high school and college and even getting married and having kids of their own.

I had the pleasure of interviewing Vawter last week about Maximum Middle Age, life post-Millennial and being your true self! Read on for all the inspiration from one truly inspiring lady!!

Tell me a bit about Maximum Middle Age. Where did the inspiration come from?
I’m 47, and I’ve worked in online media for about 10 years for various outlets. One day, I was so frustrated by getting another idea shot down because it “didn’t speak to the demographic we were trying to reach” (usually 30 and under) that I made a frustrated post on Facebook saying that I was going to start a website for women over the age of 35. A lot of my friends loved the idea and said they wanted to contribute. We have amazing editors like Avital Norman Nathman, Karen Miner, Asha Rajan, Deesha Philyaw and Jennifer Cumby. Jenny Poore is this incredible Web designer and she made the site look like an old-school riot girl ‘zine from the 1980s.

Why do you think the over-35 set is so underrepresented these days?
Because youth is where it’s at, baby! We’re a youth-obsessed culture, everything is geared towards younger people, and that’s who advertisers want to reach. The irony is, most people who are younger and just starting out don’t have the same buying power as people who are older and more established in their careers do. How many times have we read about an actress being “too old” to be considered a love interest for a movie role or about an older woman getting Botox or fillers in order to look younger? How many articles have we seen where headlines read “X Steps To Looking Younger” or “X Things You Should Never Wear Over Age 40“? Ashton Applewhite calls ageism “prejudice against our future selves.” The reality is, we are all pretty lucky if we get to the point where we can call ourselves middle-aged or older.

In your view, what is the biggest misconception about this age group?
That we stop caring about social issues and politics and feminism and pop culture as we age. Just because we reach a certain age doesn’t mean we stop caring about the world or even nail polish colors.

What can people do to change those misconceptions?
Make their voices heard, which is what we are trying to do with Maximum Middle Age.

What are some of your favorite pieces from the site so far?
So many! I’m floored by the stories that are being shared and the types of content coming in… Victoria Barrett wrote this beautifully sad piece on suffering a huge loss and Nina Bargiel wrote about the correct response when your family and friends ask why you are childfree.


What are your plans for the future? Any exciting posts/series coming up on the site?
We have been playing with the idea of doing a podcast, and we are going to have some fun video features and lots more celebrities answering our Maximum… questions!

Is there anything else you think I should know?
Because we are new and we have zero backing, we still can’t pay contributors, but we love hearing your stories and anyone interested in contributing should email us at general@maximummiddleage.com.

Love Lounge: On Learning To Love Myself

I know a lot, but one thing that has always eluded me?

Guys.

They’re a different breed, a different language, something I’m constantly trying to figure out — usually, without much success. In fact, I usually end up even more confused when I try to think too hard about them. Trying to figure them out only ever leaves me with one of those cartoon bubbles over my head full of millions of question marks.

Yes, it’s that confusing, my friends.

The thing is, I used to be certain of what they didn’t want: Me. I was never the kind of girl they chased after with bouquets of roses or sent adorable, emoji-filled texts to. They wanted blondes and brunettes with long, lanky legs, not legs with a mess of scars on them.

They didn’t want me. I wasn’t what they’d desire or even fantasize about.

What is love? Certainly, I’ve never known romantic love, the kind of storybook fantasy, whirlwind courtship that leaves you dancing on air. As a writer and blogger, I’ve toiled in the world of emotions for years — as long as I can remember, actually. Heck, I’ve made a career out of it; it’s my life’s work. I’ve written about wanting love, being scorned, unrequited love and all those times I’ve fallen for medical residents. And through it all, I’ve somehow managed to maintain a seamless balance between confident superwoman and vulnerable, insecure novice. I so often viewed myself through the lens of how I was certain others saw me.

Read: Guys.

So I hid a huge part of myself, deep down where no one could see, touch and most importantly, hurt me. I rationalized it as going into hibernation, a sort of survival mode. Sadly, I couldn’t get to her. It seemed no one could. Maybe the self-confidence woman in me was trying to protect me in a way. If I pretended that I didn’t care, that the last thing I ever wanted was a guy, maybe I could trick myself into believing it was all actually true.

But, my gosh, how insulting is that to myself and the strong woman I’m always striving to be? What is that teaching her about value and self-worth and something as simple as believing in yourself? How can I ever expect to love myself if I don’t look at me, but instead just choose to take cues from other people — people that, quite honestly, don’t matter all that much in the end?

I sometimes want to shake my former self just to wake her up! I’m still learning, but I feel like I’m finally on the path to fully loving myself. No more apologizing. No more denying. No more hiding. When I look in the mirror these days, I can actually see myself. That sounds weird, I know. It’s not like I’m a ghost! I’ve always been there, obviously, but it was like I was finally seeing myself for the first time. I saw for the first time what I should have been seeing all along: A woman of strength and character with one sexy brain.

What’s been your experience in learning to love yourself, friends? What obstacles have you encountered and how have you dealt with them? What advice would you give your former self or others currently struggling? xoxo

[Photo via We Heart It]

My Essay on POPSUGAR: “7 Ways I’m Happier in My 30s”

Remember my surprise 30th birthday party? I know…it seems like ages ago to me, too! Where does the time go? As a writer, I’ve found there’s really only one thing to do about it — write about it!

I’m excited to have “7 Ways I’m Happier In My 30s” up on POPSUGAR Love (you can read my first essay here), and the surprisingly refreshing thing I realized? I ABSOLUTELY love being in my 30s. Seriously, I highly recommend this decade! It’s like you’re at a point where you’re still young enough to have fun, but you’re old enough to no longer care what people think. It’s a great time to be alive, I tell you!

Anyway, here’s an excerpt of the essay, which includes the one phrase that I’ve ditched from my vocabulary…

I’d known what to expect from my fourth decade for, well, decades — at least in terms of what I’d seen portrayed on television. Remember that show Thirtysomething from the early ’90s? As a kid, I’d watch it with my mom and think, “OMG, what if I get that old?”
The characters were in a perpetual state of being stressed out, overworked, and overwhelmed. That, I reasoned, is what getting old must be like. That is what I had to look forward to.

Fast-forward to 2011 and I’m at my 30th birthday party. It’s a surprise party, and the irony of it all is not lost on me: Surprise! How had this day come already? It just seemed to sneak up on me. What happened?
BBB
I’d spent so much time mourning the loss of my 20s, as if I’d just reached some sort of finish line and my life was over, that I’d failed to see the promise of entering a new decade.

This year, I turn 35 — that odd age where you’re too old to still say you’re in your early 30s but still too young to elicit sympathy when you complain to someone about how old you feel.

But nonetheless, there’s no denying this decade has changed me already. In ways I expected and ways I’m still learning about every day. Here, seven surprising ways my happiness has soared so far.

You can read the full essay here and I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to email me anytime at mellow1422@aol.com and let’s chat! And of course, feel free to share my essay on Facebook, Twitter or even your local refrigerator. If you share on Twitter, be sure to tag me @melissablake so we can connect! I can’t wait to hear from you! Love you all… xoxo