Love Lounge: Four Things I Know About Love

Love is a funny thing. We spend so much time trying to find it, figure it out, trying to explain it and, in some cases, trying to get it back. It’s a mysterious little devil, this crazy thing called love. It has the power to both break you into a million tiny pieces and also glue you back together again — heck, sometimes in the span of one day! From your first kiss to your 50th wedding anniversary, it’s love that always keeps you guessing and on your toes.

A few people have told me that I couldn’t possibly know anything about love since I’ve never really had much experience in said department (I’m talking about you, Anonymous…), but I have learned a thing or two over the years; I don’t think you can really go through life without being at least touch by it, from seeing it play out around you, from seeing how love weaves its way in and out of people’s lives and from seeing the choices that others make. Contrary to what Simon and Garfunkel once mused, no one is an island unto themselves. And right now, as I’m typing this, Michelle Branch’s Goodbye To You just came on Pandora. This song never fails to make me all sorts of emotional — come on, don’t pretend like you’re immune to it! So! Here are four things I know about love, even though I’ve never been “in love” (well, love that was reciprocated, anyway)…

1. Love takes time: Not to steal from a classic, but Miss Mariah sure knew what she was talking about. Love — the kind that is deep and meaningful and long-lasting — is sort of like the perfect stew. It takes time to cook and has to simmer for awhile before it’s “just right.” I mean, you don’t want undercooked meat and raw vegetables, do you? Of course not! You want things to come together, not forced. You want to have time to get to know those vegetables — oops, I mean each other!

2. Love teaches you about yourself: Every new experience gives you a glimpse into who you are, what you want and what you most certainly don’t want. As important as the other person is to you, love teaches you to look out for yourself and love yourself first. Those romantic butterflies may make it hard to see that sometimes, but it’s such an important thing to remember.

3. Love is an unexpected roller coaster: Now, this is most definitely something I know all too well. You can have this vision all mapped out in your head — a vision of exactly how you think everything is going to go — and then? BOOOOM!!! The rollercoaster you’re on takes an unexpected turn and you find yourself in completely unfamiliar territory. I’ve even found myself in these murky waters a time or two. I’ve fallen for guys I NEVER expected to, hung on for a little too long with some guys and even spent an absurd number of hours analyzing every…single…detail. It can be intoxicating, sure, but those unexpected twists and turns can be doozy too.

4. Love, at the end of the day, is beautiful: For as messed up and complicated as love can seem sometimes, I can’t help but feel like we make it too hard. I do this all the time, even if most of those complications are largely in my head. Just listen to an ’80s love song. You’ll know what I’m talking about.

What are some things you’ve learned over the years, friends? Do you feel like you’ve gotten wiser? Are there still some things that you just plain don’t understand? What advice do you have for all us lovebirds out there? xoxo

[Photos via We Heart It]

In The Pursuit of Happiness: Gina Rodriguez on body image

Speaking of self-confidence, actress Gina Rodriguez knows a thing or two about the struggle.

The Jane the Virgin star recently told PEOPLE that she’s regularly told that she’s not skinny enough or tall enough or even ethnic enough.

“As a woman in this industry, we are constantly being pressured to look a certain way and to get our hair and nails and makeup done and live up to these images that aren’t conducive to a healthy mind. But I have to remember that this is a game. And if the game says I should be looking like this, then I just don’t play that role. And that’s okay.”

It’s easy to fall for those lies, but thanks to her parents, Gina’s healthy and positive outlook is downright infectious.

“My mom is so beautiful and never wears any makeup. She would say, ‘You want a man to love you for who you are, not what you look like or what you’re covered up by.’ My parents really encouraged us to have confidence in who we are and accept who we are because it is not going to change and we are beautiful.”

This is definitely part of the reason that Jane the Virgin is one of my favorite shows this season. Gina is such a real, down-to-earth actress and that really comes through in the character of Jane, despite the out-of-this-world premise of the show. It’s so encouraging when you see celebrities being such good role models for today’s young people (does that make me sound incredibly old??), especially when there are some famous folks who tend to shy away from that role.

Go, Gina! Thanks for being such a body-positive voice for us all!!! xoxo

Tip: 7 steps for feeling confident

Confession: When I first started working for the student newspaper during college, I’d sometimes have a crisis of confidence. During staff meetings, I’d look around the room at my fellow reporters and think, “What’s their secret? What do they know that I don’t? How can they possibly be so calm all the time?“

I even found my lack of confidence spilling over into my college classes. I went out to lunch with my mom after one particularly tough first day. I just knew that I was bound to fail the history of journalism.

“I can’t do this,” I told my mom, my voice breaking a little as I tried to keep it together in the restaurant.

“That’s not how I raised you,” she replied matter-of-factly. “Look at everything you’ve been through. College? You can do this!“

And I did, my mom’s words always in the back of my mind. Over the years, I’ve continued to build up a “reserve” of self-confidence. Here are the 7 steps that have worked for me…

1. Find your passion: That’s where all the confidence starts, at least for me. Once you find something you’re passionate about and start to see yourself succeeding, the entire world looks different. Maybe your inner artist is just waiting to come out or maybe your inner movie buff is itching to pen a review column. One of the best things about passions is that they can change; I like to think that my passions will grow with me over the years so there’s always room for new discoveries.

2. It’s not always about the big moments: Sure, it’s an amazing feeling when you accomplish something monumental, like landing a job promotion or seeing your work published, but don’t overlook those seemingly “insignificant” moments too. Reaching a goal, no matter the size, is something to be celebrated.

3. Shut out the critics: There will always be people who try to bring you down. Maybe they’re unhappy with themselves. Don’t let them rain on your parade.

4. Tell that inner critic to shut up: Sometimes, that person who tries to bring you down is, well, you. That voice can be deafening, can’t it? It plays with your mind like a fiddle and makes you second guess everything. It may tell you that you’re not worthy enough or pretty enough or perfect enough. Watch out! It’s easy to fall into those web of lies and believe them.

5. Fake it ’til you make it: A psychiatrist told me this while I was struggling with depression a few years ago. At the time, I didn’t believe it, but now, I can see the importance of positive thinking. Put your best face — and mindset — forward. Don’t believe me? I’ll just let one of my Pinterest board do the talking.

6. Surround yourself with positive people: Good vibes are contagious. I picture them flying around, just waiting to be scooped up. And have you ever noticed how a Debbie Downer can put you in a seriously negative funk. Happy people will make you happy. It’s as simple as that.

7. When in doubt, talk it out: Obviously, I’m a pretty big fan of this one. When it comes to working through issues, the power of talk can be an amazing tool. You could even stand in front of the mirror and compose your own Stuart Smalley speech.

The moral of today’s lesson, friends: You are enough. Don’t ever forget that. Have you struggled with self-confidence issues over the years? What have you learned? Any tips you’d like to share? We’re all here to help each other, so let’s get to sharing, shall we?!?!? xoxo

P.S. The 24-hour no-complain challenge, affirmation stones, 10 reasons your thirties is your breakout decade, 10 things you don’t owe anyone and thoughts on finding yourself.

[Photos via We Heart It]

An Open Letter To Kelly Clarkson

Dear Kelly…

I suppose we should just get the obvious out of the way first, right?

You’re amazing.

That might even be an understatement, considering I’ve admired you ever since you won the first season of American Idol in 2002. You’ve shown the world your hardworking spirit through album after album, through concert after concert and even despite weekly critics from some guy named Simon Cowell. You’ve been through a lot, needless to say, but there’s one thing that has towered above all that. It’s resonated with me and millions of others.

You silenced those evil body-shamers…

“We are who we are — whatever size. It doesn’t mean that we’re gonna be that forever. That’s the thing! Sometimes we’re more fit. Like, especially me. I’m such a creative person that I yo-yo. Sometimes I’m more fit and I get into kickboxing hardcore. And then sometimes I don’t and I’m like, ‘I’d rather have wine.'”

They had some nerve, didn’t they? Thank you for having the poise and the courage to be who you are and for encouraging others to be unapologetic as well. So many young women feel so much pressure these days to say the right thing and project the right look, and sadly, they so easily lose themselves in the process. Thank you for showing them it doesn’t have to be that way and for being a voice for them. They need it.

I won’t pretend that I’ve always loved everything about my body. We didn’t always have the best relationship. I used to hate my freckles and all my surgical scars and even my deformed hands. Sometimes, I even hated looking in the mirror. If I didn’t look, I thought, those supposed imperfections wouldn’t exist.

You also taught us another lesson: Self-love is the most important thing. It doesn’t matter what anyone says, whatever stares or glares people through your direction or whatever those bullies on the playground say. In the end, it’s all just background noise. It doesn’t matter. People can say whatever they want — you know they will. But you know what? Let them! Over the years, I’ve learned that it takes work to cultivate a love for your body and to find that inner self confidence, but it’s there if you’re willing to look hard enough. And that love is something no one can ever take away from you.

But perhaps most importantly, thank you for being a role model for your daughter. Thanks to you, River is going to grow up with a mother who teaches her all about love and the power of self-confidence. Trust me, there’s no greater gift you could ever give her. She — and all of us — will be forever grateful. We’ve all had our own body battles and it’s so refreshing to see someone who has faced theirs head-on and come out on the other side. Thank you for being our idol, Kelly! xoxo

My disability Q&A: On the day-to-day work of a blogger

Note: This is the final installment of My Disability Q&A. You can read parts one, two and three for more fun times and inside scoop. No, really, there is lots of inside scoop to be, well…scoop?… xoxo

Do you think your exceptionality has impacted the success of your career in either a negative or a positive way?
I hope that my disability has positively impacted my life and my career. I had my moments where it felt like it negatively affected me — especially when I was younger and having all my surgeries — but now that everything has seemed to settled down, I’m finally starting to feel like a normal thirtysomething. I don’t feel so out of place among my peers anymore, and that is a great feeling!

How do you self-motivate yourself when you work for yourself?
Trust me, it takes A LOT of practice! When I was working as a newspaper adviser, it was pretty easy because I was actually going somewhere every day. I had clearly defined “work hours” so things went smoothly. But since I started working from home full-time, I’ve had to work to create a schedule and stick to it. I’m a big fan of to-do lists, and thankfully, blogging is pretty rhythmic. There are certain things I do every single day, like finish blog posts, comment on blogs, work on ad stuff, answer emails, create editorial calendars, etc. There’s always something to do, so there’s never a dull day! A lot of time, I find myself wishing there were more hours in the day!

How do you self-evaluate your progress on your blog?
That can be a trap sometimes because it’s so easy to start comparing yourself to other bloggers. What are they doing? How popular are they? Do they have a big social media following? But, it is important to regularly reflect on your own progress and a big thing for me is making sure I’m moving in the direction I want to go in — writing the sorts of posts I want to write and making sure I’m enjoying it. The day I cease to enjoy blogging will be the day I know I’m in trouble.

Do you self advocate for yourself? If so in what ways?
Of yes! That’s always been number one on my list of priorities. My parents were my biggest advocates growing up, and they taught me to speak up for myself — in a respectful way, of course, but with firm confidence. Whether it’s speaking up to doctors about what I need to standing up to those mean Internet commenters, I’ve developed a pretty thick skin over the years!

As future educators, thinking back, do you have any advice for us that you wish your teachers had said or done to give you that boost of confidence in following your dreams?
It may sound weird, but sometimes saying something is worse than not saying anything. Just give me as much reassurance as you would any other student because that will show me that I really am just like everyone else. In this case, not singling me out would be a good thing!

[Photos via We Heart It]