Ms. Bear: What I’ve Learned As a Suicide Survivor

Suicide SurvivorIt’s no secret that my mom has a way of saying things that are at once both calming and reaffirming. She’s been through a lot, and yet, she remains the strongest woman I know. I’m so grateful to have her on the blog today sharing her wisdom and insight as a suicide survivor. She’s definitely one you want to have in your corner… xoxo

Sixteen years! Sixteen years? Sixteen years. No matter what type of punctuation follows those two little words, it is still unbelievable to me that I have been a widow for that long. When I was married at age 22, if anyone had told me I would be a widow at age 47, I never would have believed it. Actually, there are times I still can’t believe that much time has passed. I feel like I have some insight into what it is like to be a suicide survivor and I have learned so much about this process and about myself over all these years.

The first thing I learned is that living after a loved one’s suicide is survivable. When Brian first died, I remember thinking to myself that the girls and I would never make it. The girls seemed so fragile to me. Melissa had her physical challenges and Janelle had her mental health issues. We all had our issues with the suicide and the anger that it brought us. It was pretty ugly around our house for a couple of years. It seemed that one of us would be doing better, but the other two couldn’t respond because we were still feeling like we were underwater. Then the next day, the situation would be reversed. We were never all OK at the same time. It’s hard to show empathy to someone when you are drowning yourself.

I also learned that the grief of suicide can be too much for many people. I remember talking to various professionals and feeling that they had no clue! It’s one thing to read about suicide grief in school, but quite another to be facing someone across from you who is just a shell of a person. How do you help them? Sometimes the best you can do is just sit there. Oftentimes there were no words that could help. The biggest thing that helped me was hearing my therapist tell me, every week for 7 years, that I had been through a terrible trauma and that I had to deal with the trauma before I could face the grief. She was so right. There was a page in a book I read that saved my life, as I read it over and over… it was called ‘What to Do If You Found the Body‘ from the book “Healing Your Traumatized Heart” and explained the process people go through with a violent death.

So often in suicide, we gloss over the sheer horror of what survivors have experienced in favor of the more socially acceptable and sanitary stages of grief. “Oh, she’s in the anger stage” or “She’s depressed” instead of “She’s reliving finding the body every minute of every day.” Not everyone can hear what the survivors need to say.

Suicide SurvivorWe had to change psychiatrists several times. One cancelled an appointment on Melissa because she didn’t fill out the paperwork ahead of time. Seriously, she couldn’t even write her name and they wanted her to fill out a packet of papers! Another just couldn’t be supportive of us and sort of dropped us…never returned calls and that sort of thing, even as both the girls were in and out of the hospital with depression. We were so fragile that these incidents threw us into a tailspin. But, we knew we needed help and we finally found what we needed so the healing could begin.

Suicide survivors learn quickly who are safe people to talk to about their grief. But, in some cases, it takes longer to realize who is a safe person and who is not. It’s especially problematic when others are grieving the same loss that you are, only in their own way. Sometimes there is no resolution.
Suicide survivors should not be asked how their loved one died. If they want to talk about it, they will. Again, survivors have a keen sense of who is safe to share with and who is not.

Above all, never tell a suicide survivor how to grieve or how long they should grieve (this actually goes for any type of death). Never ask a widow if they are going to get married again. Never say their spouse was selfish for killing themselves. Never compare anyone’s grief to yours. All grief is painful and it is certainly not a contest!

What can you do for a suicide survivor? You can sit in silence. You can bring a meal. You can remember them on anniversaries, no matter how long it has been. You can tell them you are there for them, and then be there. You can be gentle with them if they are struggling. The best thing you can do for a suicide survivor (and anyone grieving) is to talk about the person they lost, use their name and share memories. These are the things I needed, and still need, after losing Brian.

Suicide SurvivorI am so thankful for all the safe people in my life. I couldn’t have made it without them! So, if you know a suicide survivor, strive to be that person that they know will be there for them, no matter what. It is a precious gift!

Thank you, Luke Perry: An Ode to Dylan McKay

Luke Perry Luke PerryJudging by the outpouring of love and tributes on social media alone, Luke Perry was one of those rare actors who touched a lot of lives in the best way possible. His sudden death this week is devastating and comes much too soon. He was a father, friend and someone who cared immensely about other people.

And to generations of TV fans, the characters he played became part of our lives. For Riverdale fans, he was the ultimate father figure in Fred Andrews. But for those of us who grew up in the ’90s, we were glued to our televisions every week when Beverly Hills, 90210 came on!! Perry’s Dylan McKay was the ultimate dreamy crush in my 9-year-old eyes, and I know I wasn’t the only one.

He was our first crush, and the fact that he was a bad boy only added to the allure. We knew deep down that Dylan was one of the good ones; underneath all that external bravado beat the heart of a sensitive guy who made us all feel special. Dylan was part of our growing up — a way for us to explore the world beyond our TV screens — and the lessons he taught us would stay with us forever. Lessons like what it means to truly love someone (I always thought Brenda and Kelly were SO lucky!), what it means to struggle and what it means to overcome obstacles in life.

Something tells me that we’re going to keep Dylan tucked in our hearts forever. You can’t deny the powerful impact he had on a generation, and I’ll forever be grateful to Luke Perry for the gift he gave us. I hope he knows just how important and meaningful that gift was and will continue to be.

In a way, I suppose it’s only appropriate that I heard The Byrds’ “Turn! Turn! Turn!” as I was writing this post. When you think of Perry’s death in the context of this tune, life becomes incredibly poignant and you start to see things through an entirely different perspective, you know?

Luke PerryPerhaps CNN Opinion said it best in the intro to their round-up of reader stories about what Luke Perry meant to them…

“The answers: he was your first crush, your role model and a passing acquaintance who left a warmth behind in his wake. He was a generation-defining heartthrob and a generation-crossing father figure who projected kindness and a lack of ego on the set and beyond. In death, he became an urgent reminder to cherish your loved ones and value each breath of life. As one reader memorably put it, ‘RIP Luke Perry. I hope you are still causing mall riots in heaven.'”

Indeed, Luke Perry was many things to many people. He will be missed dearly — and, of course, remembered forever. Thank you, indeed. What do you remember most about him and his characters, friends? I’d love to hear your stories and memories, too… xoxo

My Essay on The Fix: “Don’t Blame Ariana Grande for Mac Miller’s Death”

Mac MillerRecently, I’ve realized something about my writing : I tend to malinger over some essays for months (like, SIX MONTHS…), but give me a piece of breaking news and I can write a hot-take in a hot-minute!! This was exactly the case for my first essay on The Fix about Mac Miller, death and the dangerous cycle of blame.

When I first heard about Mac Miller’s death last week, I instinctively braced myself for the inevitable shame and blame game. I knew it was about to begin because his death was sudden and unexpected. And when someone dies in that manner, the natural tendency is to scramble and desperately search for answers — to mourn, to heal, to make sense of what’s happened as best we can.

I saw the cruel tweets and Instagram comments aimed at Ariana Grande, Miller’s ex-girlfriend. So over the weekend, I wrote this essay, drawing on my own personal experience following my father’s suicide. Because I’m scared of living in a world where we are so quick to assign blame in someone’s death. I don’t want to live in a world where that sort of shaming is the norm instead of the exception.

Here’s an excerpt of the piece, which I hope will begin to break down that stigma of blame, even if only a little bit…

The best thing we can do for her — and everyone grieving the loss of a loved one — is to let the grieving process take place. Let people mourn in peace without hurling vindictive words at them. Those words are incredibly hurtful, not to mention cruel and damaging. The idea that someone holds another person’s very life in their hands and has the power to determine whether that person lives or dies is a misconception that has no place in the journey following someone’s death.

As much as we’d like to think otherwise, we’re not superheroes who can swoop in and rescue someone. We can do everything to help them, of course, but we don’t have the all-knowing power to save them. And maybe even more importantly, it’s not our job to cure them. We can offer love, hope and compassion, but in the end, everyone on this planet is responsible for their own life.

You can read the full piece here and I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to email me anytime at mellow1422@aol.com and let’s chat! And of course, feel free to share my essay on Facebook, Twitter or even your local refrigerator. If you share on Twitter, be sure to tag me @melissablake so we can connect! I can’t wait to hear from you! Love you all… xoxo

What to Remember on National Grief Awareness Day

National Grief Awareness DayDo you ever get the feeling that the universe is playing some cruel joke on you? Today is National Grief Awareness Day and I’m just a giant puddle of mixed emotions about the whole thing…

Part of me is raising my hand in solidarity and shouting “YES, AWARENESS!” because, honestly, awareness is such an important and valuable thing. Yet on the other hand, my cynical side is just sitting here saying “Well, I’m aware of my grief every day, so…”

When I say that I’m aware of my grief every day, I’m not saying that I’m grief-stricken to the point of being unable to get out of bed or crying all the time. And I’m not saying that I’m unhappy or that I’m unable to enjoy life.

Nope, I’m not saying any of that. At all.

What I am saying is that a piece of my grief and a piece of my loss is always with me. It’s not overpowering and overwhelming all the time, but it’s always there. Like a paper cut. There are times that you feel it more acutely than others — you know, like when you get salt in said paper cut and it stings like no other? Yes, that sort of acute.

That’s something I never truly understood about grief until I lost my father — how two diametrically opposing emotions like happiness and grief can — and do — exist simultaneously. But they do, and this is something I’ve talked about in therapy in recent years. It doesn’t have to be one or the other and you aren’t forced to choose one over the other, either.

And, honestly, I sort of appreciate that ever-present grief too. Because I feel like it keeps me tied to my father just as much as my happy childhood memories do. It’s an interesting dichotomy, for sure, and one I’m sure I’ll continue to explore in the future.

National Grief Awareness DayHere is a really great article on how grief never really goes away and it’s so important to recognize this in other people’s grief and be empathetic and compassionate in where they are in their journey. It might not be where you are and that’s OK. No two people walk the same grief path and it’s a very individual journey. Be a love and light for them on their journey, just as you’d expect the same from them while on your journey. And, here are some tips on grief that people on Twitter had to share — such amazing and helpful advice!

If you’re grieving, friends, I hope you know that I see you and I love you. What do you wish people understood about grief? What ways do you think people can help those who are grieving?? Here’s to getting through National Grief Awareness Day together… xoxo

[Photos via We Heart It]

My Father’s 67th Birthday: On Losing a Parent

Losing a ParentHere we are again, friends. Another year has gone by, which means that it’s time for another birthday. This time, it’s my father’s 67th birthday. It’s still hard to believe he’s gone, but I’m thankful for all the memories that make me smile. Those memories are reminders that he’s still with me, especially when I think about the journey I’ve been on since losing a parent…

I struggled so long with “why?” Why did this happen? Why didn’t I see any signs? Suicide leaves behind so much confusion and even now, 15 years later, I still struggle with that confusion. Also, the societal stigma attached to suicide makes it really hard for survivors to feel heard sometimes. But that’s never stopped me from writing and talking about my experience because I think it’s so important for others left behind to know that they’re not alone.

I know I say this so much, but I don’t think I would have gotten through the last 15 years without the love and support of my mom and sister. The three of us banded together in our darkest hours and I am so grateful for them. Also, writing has been such a therapeutic tool for me. It’s helped me heal and work through my grief. I feel like I can express myself fully and find the right words through writing so much better than if I try to say them out loud.

The death of a loved from suicide — any death, really — is something you never get over. You may work through your grief and get to a point where it no longer consumes your entire being, but you never fully get over that pain and loss. Grief isn’t linear. It’s a process, full of winding roads and paths that sometimes go backwards before they go forwards.

Losing a ParentHow I’ve dealt with my father’s death might not be how other people would do it, but it’s the way I’ve chosen to do it. And it’s been an incredibly transforming experience for me. I’m remembering him today and always. I like to think he’s tucked somewhere in my heart and that definitely brings me an incredible amount of comfort. Losing a parent is a confusing journey at times, but I know he’ll ALWAYS be with me… xoxo

[Bottom photo via We Heart It]