Tuesday Tunes: Sting’s “Fields of Gold”

Editor’s Note: Song lyrics denoted in bold italics.

When I was growing up, my family had what we now dub “hospital songs.” They were those songs that we heard driving to and from Chicago for doctors’ appointments and surgeries. We heard them so much, in fact, that we eventually developed a Pavlovian response and started to associate them with our medical world. And perhaps my absolute favorite “hospital song”?

Sting’s “Fields of Gold”
From Ten Summoner’s Tales

I don’t remember when I heard this song for the first time, but it must have had some immediate power over me — it’s one of those songs you feel like you’ve known your entire life. And while I wouldn’t come to appreciate the lyrics until much later, even back then, the song broke my heart into a million pieces every single time. Without fail.

You’ll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You’ll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in fields of gold

As a kid, I just like this song because it had such a pretty melody and pretty words. I could just imagine a scenic field stretching for miles and miles, maybe complete with some rolling hills or patches of wild flowers here and there. But as I got older and really listen to those lyrics, they took on a whole new meaning for me.

Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
We’ll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in fields of gold

It’s all about a yearning to see someone, to keep someone with you because you know if they leave, the whole in your heart will never heal. You know you miss them deeply and forever; they’re such a part of your life and you’re not quite sure what you’d do — or even who you’d be — if they ever left.


Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold
You’ll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold

Why is it that we only realize this after it’s too late? Once that train has started, we’re powerless to stop it and time marches forward whether we like it or not. We might try with all our might to hold on tightly to today and what we have, but we know in the back of our minds that the sun is going to set tonight and a brand-new day will begin tomorrow. Never did that idea hit home more than when my father died. I began mourning not just his passing but our past as a family. It was over forever and that’s quite a sobering thought when you really stop and think about it — and I’ve stopped and thought about it many times, let me tell you. I know I’ll never get those days back, but that certainly doesn’t make me miss them any less.

Because at the end of the day, I’m never not going to miss him and our old life. I’m never not going to wish we could go back to the good old days, if only for awhile. And I’ll never not get all sorts of emotional every time I hear one of our “hospital songs.”

My Father’s Suicide: 13 Years Ago

It’s been 13 years ago today since my father’s suicide and my world changed forever.

13 years.

Even typing that now feels unbelievable, as if it’s somehow detached from my life. Everything that happened? Sometimes I can’t help but feel like it all happened to someone else or happened another lifetime ago. It feels so far removed from my life now. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I’m not entirely sure.

I also wasn’t entirely sure of what I wanted to say in this post. I was thinking about it all last night — about how I’d NEVER want to go back to my life then — and I kept coming back to the two photos above. I feel like they perfectly capture the essence of the relationship I had with my father. He was a supporter, a protector, a cheerleader, a kind soul, a family man and a fun partner in crime. It didn’t matter if you’d known him your whole life or just met him — he’d always treat you like you were somebody special.

We also came across another family photo album last night, and flipping through the pages was like looking at a highlight reel of his life. Little snapshots from moments in time that added up to stories that added up to his life. I miss him so much — I think of him every day — and in certain moments, I miss even more the fact that we won’t have anymore of those moments. His life was finite. There is a definitive end to his photo album and no more pages will ever be added, no more new moments made and certainly no more new stories to be told and treasured.

Yes, that might be sad — and it’s OK to feel that — but it doesn’t mean that I can’t remember my father and smile today. And that’s just what I’m going to go. Like my mom said, make sure you hug your loved ones tight today and tell them just how much you love them. You just never know when you’ll come to the last page of that photo album, so make memories, cherish moments and most importantly, love deeply and fearlessly… xoxo

P.S. Reflecting on my father’s suicide in 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014 and 2015.

Love Lounge: 3 (More) Worst Places To Meet Potential Beaus

Now where were we?? Oh, right, those Danger-Zone Destinations you should avoid when on the hunt for potential beaus. Trust me, staying clear of these areas will save you and your heart from emotional distress — and possibly hours in post-breakup therapy. And if you should find yourself tempted to tread these waters? Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you…


4. Vacation/Tropical island: Yes, this one is another trickster that I’ve fallen prey to a time or two. As a teen, I became determined to find me a good ole Dixieland gentlemen during our vacations to the Gulf Coast. I dubbed it my Southern Man Hunt, and I was a woman on the prowl. But here’s the thing about vacations: They’re not real. Not when it comes to life and especially not when it comes to love. They present a glossy, idealized version of what life could be like instead of how life actually is. In real life, people eventually go home and back to their mundane routines. In real life, people don’t have the luxury of lounging poolside in the sun all day, a fruity concoction with an umbrella in one hand and the latest issue of Us Weekly in the other. And — most importantly — who someone is on vacation is completely different from who that person is in their day-to-day environment. You don’t want to spend a romantic, blissful week with Dr. Jekyll, only to come home to Mr. Hyde, do you? I didn’t think so!

5. The ER: Now, normally, I’m all about the romantic power of falling in love with a fellow hospital patient, but I just can’t make an exception when it comes to the emergency room. The stakes are just too high, which means that your sprained and bruised ankle won’t be the only thing in need of healing. Your heart is going to be in desperate need of medical attention — or at the very least — some TLC — when it feels that break for the first time. Why? Because love born out of the frenzy of a code blue will ultimately leave you, well, blue. Emotions will be running too high to survive such an epic situation. Plus, if you’re given any pain medicine, chances are you’ll end up saying things you probably wouldn’t say under normal circumstances and probably shouldn’t be saying at all. Basically, your fever won’t be the only thing that’s scorching hot.

6. Bars: Never mind the fact that I don’t drink and am wary of anything that would cloud my judgment during a date, the bar scene is not only a cliche locale but one fraught with endless opportunities to do and say things that you just can’t take back. It’s a terrible situation, really. You’ll wake up the next morning with only a fuzzy memory of what went down the night before, a headache and the obsessive thoughts of, “OMG! Did I really say that? Did he really say that?” And if you’re at said bar on karaoke night? Get ready for lots of regret over that duet of Endless Love. Oh, and don’t forget the possible ribbing from friends — you know that video is going up on YouTube.

Good luck out there, friends! Buckle up and be careful. It’s bound to be a bumpy ride, so hold onto your hats — and hearts! xoxo

[Photos via We Heart It]

Love Lounge: Never Get Involved With Someone You Meet…

So here’s the thing: I may not be an expert when it comes to the ideal spots to scope out your soul mate. And I may not even know what exactly to say to said potential soul mate. But if there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s this: There are most definitely places where you DO NOT want to meet someone.

I call these places Danger-Zone Destinations. I like to think of them as being like minefields, only with high-tech and potently powerful lasers — remember that episode of The Big Bang Theory where the guys put motion-activated lasers in the apartment?

Yeah, it’s like that.

These rooms? They’re like those invisible lasers if for no other reason than their high deception rate. I mean, think about it: These places may look perfect from the outside, full of starry-eyed potential, but if you look just a little bit closer, you’ll start to see the cracks in the fairy tale facade.

Translation: Your romantic dreams are inevitably going to be shattered. I hate to be the one to have to break it to you (pun intended), but it’s bound to happen. Don’t believe me? I guarantee you, whether emotionally draining, full of morning-after regret or just a plain bad idea, these “hot spots” will ultimately leave you brokenhearted and out in the cold…

1. Online dating site: Let’s just start with the obvious one and get it out of the way first. This is, without a doubt, the holy grail of bad places to meet a beau. How do you even know you’re talking to a potential beau? You could be talking to some super-advanced computer bot who knows how to say all the right things. And even if you are conversing with an actual breathing human? Ever seen the show Catfish? I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be kidnapped and taken to some freaky cult in a log cabin in the middle of the woods. But that’s just me — maybe I’m just too much of a prude.

2. Wedding: Oh, don’t even get me started on this one. Even I am incapable of resisting the allure of weddings. They have the power to hypnotize you and put you under their spell without you even realizing it. It’s romance personified. If it was a drug, it would be crack in its purest form — addictive, enveloping and intoxicating. You walk in thinking, “OK, this is it. The One is in this room. I can feel it.” It doesn’t help that all the elements are there to set a lovey-dovey mood: The magical ambiance, the romantic exchange of vows, beautiful people in fancy clothes, an open bar, the music, couples in love swaying to said music. You just want the chance at what everyone else has, right? That’s not too much to ask, is it? Apparently it is, because before you know it, you hopped yourself up on one too many caffeinated root beers and find yourself spilling your life story to the Best Man when he’s just trying to get out on the dance floor as the DJ leads a rousing rendition of the Conga Line. It’s not pretty, you eventually realize, and you leave the wedding the same way you came — at the end of your very own metaphorical Conga Line.


3. Jail: Well, I obviously don’t condone breaking the law and highly advise that you do everything in your power to stay out of the Big House. But if you should find yourself doing hard time, don’t make it any harder on yourself by falling for anyone. Remember, cell mates are not soul mates. And, really, there’s just too much baggage that comes with that territory.

So, there you have it, friends! Some important guidelines to keep in mind when driving down that expressway on your search for love. Would love to hear your thoughts and stories, and be sure to check out Part II tomorrow! xoxo

[Photos via We Heart It]

Tuesday Tunes: Norah Jones’ “Seven Years”

Editor’s Note: Song lyrics denoted in bold italics.

There are plenty of songs that bring to mind lots of happy memories — think Small Town, Unapologize and Peaceful Easy Feeling.

But there are just as many songs that make me think of the not-so-happy times, the ones that forever tug at my heart strings and form a lump in my throat.

Even though it’s been nearly 13 years, Norah Jones’ debut album is still that album for me. I like to think of it as my Grief Album because it never fails to take me right back to those early days right after my father died. We’d bought the album a few months before and during those first raw months, the soft, moody, lullaby-like music matched exactly what we were all feeling.

Norah Jones’ “Seven Years”
From Come Away With Me

I remember putting this CD on one morning in the car a few days after my father died. It was one of those cloudy and rainy March days — the kind I imagined grief would actually look like — and we were sitting in the parking lot of the post office. I don’t remember much, but I do remember feeling incredibly numb, like my body was somehow detached from everything that was going on around me. My body was in a state of shock and I didn’t know what to do.

Spinning, laughing, dancing
To her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
Is all alone


Eyes wide open
Always hoping for the sun
And she’ll sing her song to anyone
That comes along

This song came on and I listened — really listened — to the words. And they immediately stuck in my brain like silly putty on the wall. It sounds incredibly happy, doesn’t it? After all, the song describes a happy little girl, dancing and laughing as if she doesn’t have a care in the world.

Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallin’ to the ground
Without a sound

Yet if you listen a little deeper, you get this palpable sense of melancholy. There’s a certain sadness. Things aren’t as they seem. Really, nothing is as it seems. That’s how I felt back in 2003. Sure, I maybe have been going through all the motions and getting by, but I was by no means alright. Nothing was OK and it felt like things would be that way forever. I felt weak and fragile, just like that tiny leaf.

Crooked little smile on her face
Tells a tale of grace
That’s all her own

Eventually, I got to the point where I just couldn’t listen to the song or the album anymore. It went from being a source of comfort to something that merely brought my grief to the surface and remind me of those traumatizing days. So I avoided all Norah Jones for years, but last year, I found myself listening to her again — especially the songs that once made me so sad.

It sounds weird, but maybe the music makes me feel closer to my father. Maybe it’s helping me continue to work through my grief. Maybe it’s going to heal some of those wounds in the long run. As I always say, you can never discount the sheer power of music, whether it makes you feel happy or sad or somewhere in between. All you can really do is open your ears and let that music carry you away — on whatever journey it takes you on… xoxo