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Thursday, June 26, 2014

Love Lounge: The Date Debate continues…

And so the Date Debate continues today, friends! Catch up on Part 1 and read on…

The next two hours (yes, we were there two hours) (Date Sign #4) flew by in a sea of laughs (we talked about how our post-college life wasn’t how we’d pictured it), smiles (we talked about my father) and pauses that, surprisingly weren’t very awkward (Date Sign #5).

Wow, I thought. I am actually on a date with this guy, like a real-life, in-your-face, sitting-across-from-a-boy date. Who would have thought the shy high school girl would be, well, giggly like a shy high school girl as she hobnobbed with the high school brainiac?

And then I found myself almost choking on my now-cool cocoa as he began this sentence…

“So my girlfriend…“

Whoa. Back up there. Did he just say girlfriend? And not as in girl friend, but girlfriend, as in “the person I do romantic things with, like probably going to places like Starbuck’s and paying for her caffeine fix.” She sounded perfectly nice. They had been dating for a few years, but for some reason, I already didn’t like this girl I’d never even met.

A tried to smile, as if I was completely happy by this sudden revelation, but all I could do was slowly begin to weep inside. A girlfriend? So apparently, this wasn’t a date; it was simply a meet-up between friends — and not even a potential meet-up between friends-that-could-turn-into-more-than-friends, either.

Eventually, we made our way outside, into the rain (how appropriate, huh?), and I had fully prepared myself for our goodbye. A hand-shake between friends and then we’d go our separate ways. He probably had to get back to his girlfriend, I figured.

“Where are you going now?” he casually asked.

“I have some shopping to do at Target,” I replied as I pointed to the store across the street.

“It’s raining. Let me walk you over,” he smiled.

Date sign #6.

This guy was good.

As we sloshed our way through the rain, we made small talk; I had to be careful now not to convey any deep, emotional revelations since we were obviously just friends. There went my speech about how funny life can be and that maybe certain people come into your life at the right moment and you never know the sparks that could fly. Besides, he probably already had that conversation a long time ago with his perfect girlfriend.

We did have our goodbye hand-shake. We even said how great it was to see each other. But as I stood in the entryway of Target, raindrops still falling from my cheeks, my clothes feeling as soggy as my now-confused heart, I watched him walk away. And that’s when I realized that I could look at today through one of two lenses. One, that I’d just wasted a perfectly good morning on some guy who sent me mixed signals. Or two, that I’d just enjoyed a nice breakfast with an old family friend, someone who remembers my dad, and it felt nice.

The adult in me chose the latter. The shy high school girl in me chose the former.

[Photos via We Heart It]

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3 Comments Filed Under: Cute Guy Friend, Dating, Love Lessons, Love Lounge, Uncategorized

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Love Lounge: So…was that a date?

BREAKING NEWS: It looks like I’m ahead of another trend! Surprising, isn’t it? And perhaps even more surprising? It’s a dating trend! Who would have thought? Glamour recently reported on the state of confusion that has become the dating scene. No longer are dates clear cut and obvious affairs. In fact, in a Glamour survey, “73 percent of single women said they often can’t even tell whether they’ve been on a date or not—and, shockingly, 19 percent said they had never been on a “real date” at all.”

But! This isn’t news to me. I first reported on this trend from the front lines some five years ago when I was left scratching my head over “coffee” with Cute Guy Friend. You may even remember a little gem I once wrote. Let’s revisit the now-timely topic, shall we, friends…? (Look for Part 2 tomorrow!)

**********

I’ve always been mystified by the Great Date Debate. Women — and men — have spent countless hours using their sheer strength and analytical skills, all in the hopes of answering one elusive question: Was that a date?

The whole debate seems to be one giant, rampantly running wild river: murky, muddy and full of detours that make you change your direction at every turn.

But isn’t it all obvious? A date is, well, a date. There’s a beginning (the awkward introduction, maybe mixed with a handshake or a half-hug), a middle (a long, lingering conversation about your lives, perhaps over candlelight or over coffee in some little shop where you sit for hours, the people around you coming and going, yet you two remain locked to the table in deep, introspective conversation) and an end (a half-hug or a kiss goodnight after he walks you to your door and you try to think of something witty, but the only words that escape your lips are “I had a great time.”).

That, my friends, is a date. Plain and simple. How could anyone be unsure or miss those obvious markers along the Dating Highway? Hearing these debates rage on sort of made me feel a bit elitist despite my lack of dating experience, like I was somehow blessed with a heightened intelligence given to very few mortals who held the secret recipe to The Date.

Then some six years ago, my own toes were forced to step into that muddy, murky water. I didn’t want to go. I went kicking and screaming, believe me. Here’s how it all went down…

It’s actually hard to describe the relationship I had with Cute Guy Friend. Although our parents had worked together and we went to the same high school, we never really got a chance to know each other back then. I was shy and quite reserved. He was two years older and one of the smartest guys at my high school. Needless to say, we didn’t exactly run with the same crowd. But our families always kept in touch — through Christmas letters and graduation parties — so, by default, I suppose, that meant Cute Guy Friend and I kept in touch as well.

So when my father died and he came to the funeral, it was nice to see him. A familiar face from my past at a time when the past and happier times was all I could think about. We kept in touch sporadically after that — he’d email to wish me a happy birthday or just to see how my family was doing — and I enjoyed getting to know him over email. We emailed back and forth for a few months, and I’ll admit, he made me smile with his self-deprecating humor. And yes, I may have thrown some flirtations into the mix, but I didn’t really think twice about it. After all, we were just two old friends reminiscing, right?

Wrong, or so I started to wonder after he sent me this email…

Hey Melissa, 

How are you? How’ve you been? Your mother once suggested we meet up for lunch or dinner. I would like that.

Aside from the reference to my mother, it sounded like a date invitation to me (Date Sign #1). The fact that I was, perhaps, maybe falling for him swiftly swayed my decision to an enthusiastic “YES!”

That’s how we found ourselves at Starbuck’s one rainy and crisp October morning. I was nervous. My hands jittered as he shook them. Was he feeling as awkward as I was in that moment (Date Sign #2). We settled into a table as I tried unsuccessfully to pay for our cocoa and coffee (Date Sign #3).

Stay tuned… xoxo

[Photos via We Heart It]

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4 Comments Filed Under: Cute Guy Friend, Dating, Love Lessons, Love Lounge, Uncategorized

Monday, March 11, 2013

MEMO TO MEN: Those seemingly little gestures

MEMORANDUM
TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: Don’t overlook little gestures 
DATE: March 11, 2013
Oh, boys, I bring you a little lesson today — a lesson that might seem a bit trivial and rather insignificant, but really is far more powerful than you could ever imagine. I suppose it’s more of a reminder of sorts. How many times have you thought, “I won’t bother with that…after all, it won’t matter. Not really, anyway.”

Well, think again. Why? Because you’d be surprised how much of an impact even the littlest of gestures can have on someone’s life. Little things — not matter how little they seem — do matter. Heck, sometimes they mean more than the grandest of gestures.

Case in point: I received an email from Cute Guy Friend yesterday. We haven’t spoken in awhile, so I instantly smiled when I saw his note in my inbox. He was writing to let me know he was thinking of my family on the anniversary of my father’s death. He’s made a point of doing this every year since my dad died, and every year — without failed — it’s warmed my heart. Now, of course I know that everyone who knew my father remembers him this time of year, but that personal email has always been such a comfort to me. It’s one of those tangible reminders that my father touched so many lives. It probably took him just a couple of minutes to rattle off that email, but I can guarantee you that I’ll be smiling for days because of it.

In the end, it’s those little things that tend to mean the most, boys. Don’t overlook what comes directly from the heart. You can never go wrong with your heart — it’s the only real and truly genuine thing we have to give. After all, isn’t that all we really want, boys…? xoxo

[Top photo via Le Love]

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9 Comments Filed Under: Cute Guy Friend, Happiness, Love Lessons, Memo To Men, my father's suicide, suicide, Uncategorized

Monday, January 23, 2012

MEMO TO MEN: Girlfriend vs. girl friend

MEMORANDUM
TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: Stuck in the middle with you
DATE: January 23, 2012

Do you remember when I shared my non-date-I-thought-was-a-date with Cute Guy Friend, boys? Well, I’ve realized something else: Being stuck in that grey, murky middle with you — being thisclose to you but still being at a metaphorical distance — is just plain frustrating.

Girlfriend vs. girl friend.

It looks like a minute difference, but eventually, that gap between girl and friend becomes wider and wider, and it gets harder to see straight. It’s an unspoken yearning more powerful in its silence. The girlfriend get roses. The
girl friend helps pick out roses. The girlfriend gets surprise texts at midnight. The girl friend gets texts at midnight asking for girlfriend advice. The girlfriend blushes because she’s in love and doesn’t have to hide it. The girl friend blushes because she’s in love and is trying desperately to hide it.

See, being friends with a guy is sort of like having the perfect boyfriend. He listens, gives you the inside scoop on the male mind, is both charming and flirtatious and is always there for you. The only problem: He’s, well, not technically your boyfriend. He’s your boy friend. And when your boy friend has a girlfriend (note: not a girl friend; that’s your role, remember?) and you become the girl friend in the bizarre love-but-it’s-not-really-love triangle? It’s hard not to feel just a little pang of heartbreak.
But you’re his girl friend. You. Must. Remember. That. You must always remember your place and never even think of stepping your toes outside those friend zone boundary lines. If you do, everything will come crashing down in one big mess — and it won’t be of the romantic-comedy variety.

Do you see the frustration here, boys? I’ve been the girl friend a few times in my life. It’s not fun. It’s not pretty. What’s also not pretty? These two little myths we girl friends have faced…

We love meeting your girlfriend, and of course she’s welcome to join us at the movies (substitute dinner, lunch, etc., or whatever fits your situation)
We can take the “How We Met” story once, maybe twice, but that’s the limit. We feign a smile and a nod over salad and champagne as we watch you two hold hands, but inside we’re mentally writing our grocery list, thinking about that work proposal or counting the number of freckles on her forehead. Has she had Botox or work done? You’re so in love. We get it.

We never compare ourselves to your lady love. Why would we be so insecure and shallow?
The minute I heard about Cute Guy Friend’s girlfriend, I did the only logical thing. I furiously Googled her and looked for her on Facebook. I just had to see this vision of perfection. What color was her hair? Was her skin creamier than mine? I ultimately came up empty-handed. But here’s the thing: We do it all in secret — this whole covert spying operation. If you ever ask us, we remark, “Of course not. What am I? Jealous? Pfft. Someone sure thinks highly of himself, doesn’t he?”
The real truth: Boys, we know you’re in love with your lady love. We get it. We know you’re so perfect for each other. It’s more romantic and sugary sweet than a Disney movie. I’m sure we’ll eventually realize that being the girl friend is better than not having you in our lives at all. Until then, though, let’s hope we don’t end up in a sugar coma from all those perfect love stories. xoxo

[Top photo via Opposable Sums, other photos via Le Love]

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12 Comments Filed Under: 'Just Friends', Cute Guy Friend, Dating, Love Lessons, Memo To Men, Uncategorized

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Update: Geeky Gaffe Continues.


It’s official. I am the worst girl in the world when it comes to letting my feelings be known to a guy – well, other than through this blog (there’s no shortness of honesty here, obviously!). Last week, I mused about Cute Guy Friend’s MIA status and how I thought a friendly email would do the subtle trick.

And there were my two grand, eye-popping idiotic mistakes right there.

1. I came off as too friendly, emphasis on that little menacing word friend.

2. Once again, I was too damn subtle – I’m starting to hate that word, subtle, too.

How do I know this plain truth? When I opened my email a over the weekend, grinned with glee when I saw his email and promptly frowned not 10 seconds later when I opened my little surprise…

Hi Melissa,

Thanks for the emails I’ve been swamped with the firm. How are your mom, Harry and Janelle doing?

Cute Guy Friend (not his real name)

Oh my gosh, it was all I could do not to head straight for the apple juice or regular root beer to in which to drown my sorrows. Giving the work excuse? That’s like telling someone their outfit isn’t straight out of the ’80s when you can plainly see the shoulder pads barely touching the earlobe and you get dizzy from the amount of hairspray circling in the air.

And if that wasn’t bad enough? Oh my lord, the boy asked me about my cat. Oy. You know you’re deep in the evil clutches of the Friend Zone when a guy asks you about your cat. I assume it’s the small-talk equivalent of saying, “Wow, can you believe this cold weather?”

That’s how boring he probably thinks I am. Ouch. But I’m nothing if not persistent – a trait I’m sure will come in handy with Mr. Melissa Blake someday, considering I’m pretty sure this boy won’t be taking on that role. Anyway, in accordance with all of your lovely comments about how I should be a bit more forward, I sent him this reply:

Hey!

Good to hear from you! Sorry to hear work is keeping you so busy! You should get out more! 🙂 We’re doing fine. I’m still at Kish as the adviser to the student newspaper and am still freelancing – just got a blogging job with Psychology Today.

What have you been up to – besides work? 🙂

Take care,
Melissa 🙂


So, friends, am I still eternally pathetic and hopeless and clueless and just “less” of everything? How shall I go forth from here? Should I go for a glass of apple juice, or just throw caution to the wind and drink the whole jug?


[Photos via Audrey Hepburn Complex]

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7 Comments Filed Under: Cute Guy Friend, Dating, Humor, Singlehood, Uncategorized

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So About What I Said is a daily blog that covers relationships, disabilities, lifestyle and pop culture. I love to laugh and have been known to overshare. I also have an unabashed obsession with pop music, polo shirts, and PEZ dispensers. Read more...

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