Let’s talk siblings: Who’s smarter…?

Growing up, I always felt like my younger sister Janelle got the brains of the family. Sure, I had my smarts, but she was a genius in my book. She scored off the charts on standardized tests. She read the classics and philosophy books for fun. And she was practically fluent in Spanish overnight — OK, not really true, but it seemed like it.

But! The Atlantic just released the results of a new study that maintains the opposite is true: First-born children are smarter than their siblings. The study, conducted by economists V. Joseph Hotz and Juan Pantano, found that first-borns have higher IQs, perform better in school, and are considered more accomplished by their parents. Why? Simple, say the researchers. Parents tend to go easier on their later-born kids. The first time around, moms and dads put their tough foot forward, establishing strict rules and making sure they’re intimately involved in their child’s academic life. With subsequent children, parents have noticeably chilled out and tend to adopt a more hand-off approach to child rearing.

Isn’t that interesting? Were you raised differently than your siblings, friends? Are you the oldest? Youngest? Somewhere in the middle? How have you raised your own kids, if you have them? xoxo

P.S. On sibling relationships, birth order, childhood photos and childhood vacations.

[Photo by Charles Gullung]

Dear Janelle: On your 28th birthday

Dear Janelle:

Well, here we are…your 28th birthday. This is only the second time we’ve been apart for your birthday, and needless to say, I miss you. I want to wrap you up in a giant hug. I want to dry your tears. I want to tell you that everything is going to be OK. I want us to laugh together like we used to. Do you remember those times? When we’d laugh about the oddest things that only we thought were funny, and we didn’t care because we could always count on the other to understand.

You and I? We’ve been through a lot, that’s for sure — far more than many sisters our age. Maybe that’s what makes us ‘us.’ You’re the only person in this whole universe that I can ever imagine calling my sister. And believe it or not, I look up to you each and every day, in so many ways. I know what you’re thinking, and I can actually picture you right now saying, “Stop, stop.” But, no, no. I most certainly won’t stop. I’ve looked up to you from that time you were about six, when you spent an entire day teaching yourself how to ride a bike and wouldn’t come inside until you’d mastered it. I’ve looked up to you during all those times you sat with me in my hospital room, when most kids your age were swinging from the monkey bars on the playground. I’ve looked up to you for your determination in earning your college degree. I’ve looked up to you from the moment you were born, and even though you’d disagree with me know, I look up to you right now — at this moment — because you are working so very hard to get the help you’ve needed for so very long.

You know, you’ve been thanking us so much lately — thanking us for helping you and for sticking by you through it all. Well, if you want my opinion (which, being your big sister, I know you do…), I don’t think you should be the one doing the apologizing. I should be thanking you. Thanking you for everything. For all the love. For all the laughs. For all the hugs. For all the fun sisterly time. I’ve appreciated it all so much more than you’ll ever know

I’m proud to call you my sister. I’m proud of the bond we have, and I look forward to more happy years together. So happy birthday, little sister. I love you, and you’ll always be my #1 BEST FRIEND… xoxo

John Lennon on happiness

John Lennon would have turned 73 yesterday, and while I was scrolling through my Twitter feed, I came across an amazing round-up of quotes from everyone’s favorite introspective Beatle. One in particular, though, stood out…

“When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment; I told them they didn’t understand life.”

It’s so simple, yet says so much. And with the rough week we’ve had, this quote rings especially true for me. Sometimes, it seems like happiness is this fantastical, unattainable thing that only exists in the movies. Real life just seems too messy sometimes, and that’s true — life is messy and complicated and just downright confusing sometimes. So, the more complicated things get with my sister (and believe me, thins are quite complicated right now…), the more I’m finding myself just craving that simple happiness.

Because, really, isn’t that what all people want in the end? To be happy. Plain and simple. No strings attached. No conditions. Just pure happiness.

How do you capture that simple happiness in your life, friends?

P.S. Lennon’s handwritten to-do list and more Beatles love.

[Photos of John Lennon via PARADE]

An update: On uncertainty and change

Last week, I wrote about my sister’s recent struggles, and I wanted to thank you all for your wonderfully kind words of comfort and support. Your comments and Tweets were so sweet, and I know my sister really appreciated them. And, well, I thought today would be the perfect time to give you an update.

You know how sometimes you find yourself standing on the edge of a metaphorical cliff, and you get that sinking feeling in your stomach because you know that everything in your life is about to change? It’s that sort of deep-in-you-bones feeling that just washes over you like a tidal wave. Part of you wants to look over the edge of the cliff while another part of you — the part that’s scared and terrified and so very unsure about everything — just wants to cling to the nearby rocks for fear that if you do look, you’ll most certainly fall down into the ravine.

That’s basically how the last week has been for us. My sister came home from the hospital last week, only to be re-admitted four days later, so needless to say, we’ve been going around and around on an emotional roller coaster. Things are still so uncertain at this point — which I hate, as you can probably imagine — but it’s looking like she’ll be in treatment for quite awhile. Over the weekend, as my mom and I were picking stuff up around the house, the emotions would just completely wash over us. Everything reminded us of Janelle. Her tea cups. Her scattered crossword puzzles. Her iPod. Her purse. Everything was just…so…her. It was the first time that I actually began to feel the weight of what was happening. It was suffocating, and I couldn’t help but feel it bearing down on my shoulders. It was the sort of weight I had never anticipated or even felt prepared to deal with. I suppose my defenses were down — or had they ever been up to begin with? I miss her. She’s only 50 miles away, but that distance feels like a lifetime.

Honestly? I’m scared to death. I’m scared that I have no idea what lies ahead. I’m scared of potentially not seeing Janelle for months. I’m scared of how hard this all is on my mom. I’m scared because this whole thing feels bigger and more overwhelming than anything we’ve been through since my father died. I’m scared because I don’t want to go back to that scary place we all were following his death. I’m scared because I don’t know how things could have ever gotten to this point.

But, really, I’m scared of what will happen if Janelle isn’t able to get the help she so desperately needs. What if she doesn’t heal from this? She’s such a strong person, but so are these demons that have her in their clutches. And it’s those demons I hate more than anything in the whole world. I just hope Janelle knows that I’ll fight those demons right along with her… xoxo

[Photos via We Heart It]

An Open Letter To My Sister

Dear Janelle:

Where do I even begin? As I was falling asleep last night, my brain was busy coming up with possible ways to open this letter. Because, let’s face it, you’re an extremely private person. I know you’re not going to want me to write this letter — to be so public about something that you’d rather keep private. And, you might even be a bit irritated that I’m even writing this letter in the first place. But I kept coming back to one truth last night as I was thinking about this letter: Maybe I need to say these words (well, write them…) as much as you need to hear them.

I know you’ve been struggling. It hasn’t just been in the last few weeks or the last few months. You’ve been struggling since father died. You may not want to admit that, but it’s true. Where Ms. Bear and I sent our emotions out into the world (the good ones and the bad ones), you internalized them. You collected every last one, stuffing it down farther and farther until you were left with a pressure cooker of emotions just waiting to explode at any moment.

And when you said you were “fine“? I hate that word. Because you were most definitely not fine. I’m sorry for all the times I took your “fine” at face value. I didn’t know how to make you be more honest with me, so maybe I didn’t try as hard as I should have? Or maybe I was too scared of what I’d find if I tried to open your wounds?

I know you feel lonely, and that just breaks my heart. I hope you know that I am here for you. Day and night. Always and forever. I just wish you could see your beauty like I do. You are such a wonderful person, and I’d give anything for you to see what I see. You have a journey ahead of you, but first? You need to begin to love yourself. Please? I know you can do it. Let your mother and sister’s love for you be the foundation on which you build your love for yourself. You have to start somewhere, so let us help you.

I know I’ve said it out loud millions of times, but losing you is my biggest fear. And, as you know, fear is a very powerful emotion. It can make us say and do things we wouldn’t normally do and say. It can make us vulnerable. It even brings our most primal emotions to the surface. So before we know it, we’re acting on instinct, wrapped up in the fight-or-flight mentality. It’s all too easy for our fears to get the better of us. And for me, you’re my biggest fear. I can’t lose you. I won’t lose you. We’re in this together, remember? So hold on, and let those who love you help you the most. We’re here, and we’re not going anywhere. I love you more than anything in the entire cosmos, as we used to tell each other, and you’ll always be my Sister Bear… xoxo