An Open Letter to the Fatherless on Father’s Day

FatherlessFor the last 17 years, the third Sunday in June has always been a hard day. And this year, that would be today. Father’s Day. Now, in a perfect world, we’d all be sharing a magical, love-filled, joyous day with our dads tomorrow, but there are far too many of us who are members of the club that no one ever wants to join: The Fatherless Club.

This open letter is for you. For all of us.

I haven’t been to the store in three months because of COVID and, honestly, I’m sort of glad about it, especially during the month of June. Ever year, I dread seeing the rows and rows of Father’s Day cards. And the Father’s Day mugs that cheerfully proclaim “Best Dad Ever.” And the Father’s Day shirts. And, well, Father’s Day everything. It’s all on display and it sort of feels like a knife to the heart every time I see it. It’s another reminder of my grief, of my loss, of the fact that I’m not going to be buying a gift for my dad.

Not last year.

Not this year.

Not next year.

Not ever again.

For people like us who live with this grief and missing our dads every day, Father’s Day feels like a neon sign making those feelings even more intense and palpable. It sends us down memory lane once again and we remember the memories that make us smile. For me, I remember summer days with my dad at the local pool and walking to his office to visit him during a hot June afternoon. I also remember he loved being a father — it was his favorite job and he was the best of the best.

FatherlessBut when you’re fatherless today, you also remember the not-so-happy times. You remember the final days (maybe even final moments) that you shared together. You remember all the things you wish you could have done differently — you know, the ones that still tend to keep you up at night no matter how many years have passed.

It’s those good and bad memories that you remember together. They sort of blend together like a patchwork quilt that tells all of your story. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the last 17 years of being fatherless, it’s that you can’t help but feel all the emotions.

And guess what?

THAT’S PERFECTLY OKAY.

Let yourself feel today. Let yourself feel everything without judging yourself or thinking you’re a “bad” son or daughter for feeling the way you do. The worst thing we can do is ignore or deny our emotions. If you’re missing your dad today, miss him. If you’re angry at your dad today, be angry at him. If you just want to smile today, then go ahead and smile.

After all, there’s no playbook for this sort of thing. Trust me, I wish there was, but when you lose a parent, you just have to make up the rules as you go along. Do what’s right for you. Feel what’s right for you. And know that I’m here for you. For all of us just trying to navigate this life as a member of the club we never wanted to join… xoxo

P.S. My CNN op-ed from 2018 on the bittersweet nature of Father’s Day.

[Stencil by Poppy Chancellor]

Father’s Day Gift Guide 2016

Can you believe Father’s Day is just THREE days away? Hard to believe, I know, but there’s still time to find Dear Old Dad the perfect gift. Whether he’s a foodie, an outdoorsy type or a movie buff, here are 11 gift ideas perfect for him, starting with this great mustaches mug ($13) to start his day off right…

An herb garden kit for his budding green thumb, $20

Desktop golf for when he needs a break, $35

NFL football leather coasters because he never goes the ordinary route, $35

Coffee for every time of day, $11.95

This denim chambray pocket square for those classy moments, $10

A personalized leather luggage tag so he’ll never be lost, $14

Maple cashew brittle for his GIANT sweet tooth, $11.50

A sock-of-the-month subscription because, really, everyone wants a new pair of cool socks every month, $9/month

This pocket poker set for fun on the go, $10

And, of course, a card from the heart so he always knows how you feel, $3.62

P.S. Past Father’s Day Gift Guides and more gifts for guys. :)

Father’s Day Gift Guide 2015

While Father’s Day has been one of the most bittersweet holidays since my father’s death, I love the idea that the day can still be an opportunity to celebrate ALL fathers, uncles, grandfathers, etc. After all, these men influenced your life and that’s something worth cheering about! Here are 12 of my favorite gift picks for everyone on your list, starting with Stuff My Father Always Said by Erin McHugh ($12.30), to thank him for all that fatherly wisdom over the years…

Sea salt caramels handmade in Philadelphia to satisfy his sweet tooth, $10.

An inspiring paperweight for his office, $36.

His favorite city as a leaf print, $36.

A portable ping pong set for those classic old-fashioned family picnics, $48.

Personalized Best Dad Notes, you know, in case he needs a reminder, $21.15.

This green satchel so he can walk to work in style, $77.56.

A funny mug to make him smile every morning, $17.

Personalized family tree poster, since he loves his family more than anything, $40.68.

A Backyard BBQ Popcorn Sampler in honor of his favorite snack, $34.99.

A father-daughter afternoon seeing Jurassic World since he was your date for the first movie.

A cute card with a heartfelt message inside because, really, he just likes the simple things in life, $4.03.

**If you’re in the mood for more things you two can do together, Mackenzie has rounded up a great list of 35 experiential activities to enjoy!

So go ahead and celebrate all the father figures in your life this weekend! They deserve it, don’t you think, friends? xoxo

P.S. Father’s Day Gift Guides from 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013 and 2014.

4 Love Lessons My Father Taught Me

As much as I love summer, it’s always made me extra wistful since my father’s suicide 12 years ago. I’ve felt a little twinge in my heart during these months, and the waves of nostalgia can be quite powerful sometimes. It’s almost as if my heart (or psyche, maybe???) is trying to reach backwards over my shoulder to a happier time. It’s that wanting of childhood innocence coupled with missing my father.

With Father’s Day this Sunday and his birthday next month, I’ve obviously been thinking a lot about all the lessons he taught. Some of them were intentional, some were by accident and still others I only realized and came to appreciate after his death — I guess he was sort of sneaky like that. Here are four love lessons I learned from my father…

1. Give your heart fully: My father lived his entire life by this guiding principle. In everything he did, he gave it his all. And with everyone he loved, he wasn’t shy about letting them know just how much he loved them. Maybe he had a feeling that his time was limited. I knew I was loved, and I’m thankful for that every single day.

2. Family is most important: I vividly remember the glimmer my father used to get in his eyes when he and his siblings would be together. They loved telling stories from their childhood, and you could tell just how important those stories were to him. He held them ever-so-close to his heart. During his last Christmas, he made sure he didn’t miss the family party. Family, he taught me, will always be there for you. And, you should always be there for them.

3. Love yourself: It sounds simple, but my father was big on giving my sister and me high-fives of confidence. He always wanted to hear about our day and loved cheering us on when it came to our studies. But he also had a sneaky knack for teaching us about our self-worth apart from anything external — school, friends, society in general. At the very basic level, he thought, love needs to come from within.

4. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind: Maybe it had something to do with teaching us about self-confidence, but I sometimes think I got my, well, opinionated mind from my father. He taught us to speak our minds and never be afraid to be ourselves. I’ll admit that it’s a trait that’s maybe gotten me into a bit of trouble over the years, but I doubt I’d be the person I am today had I not been so fierce in speaking my mind.

More than anything, these lessons course through my veins every day. Especially when taken as a whole, these are some pretty powerful words of wisdom. Everyone wants to leave some lasting impression, a true legacy that will live on even after they’re gone. You want to know that you somehow made a difference in someone’s life

As I’m writing this, Sarah McLachlan’s I Will Remember You came on Pandora, and I can’t help but think it’s somehow a sign from my father.

“Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories…”

I won’t, Dad. I love you…and thank you… xoxo

P.S. An Open Letter To My Father, memory bells, symbolic dreams, five questions I’d ask him and being proud of your parents.

[Photo via We Heart It]

My Father’s Suicide: 3 things I’d tell him on Father’s Day

My father loved Father’s Day. Maybe that’s because he loved being a father so much. I always got the feeling that, just like my mother, he felt parenting was his most important and worthwhile job in life. He took it very seriously, whether he was helping me pass high school chemistry (which I did!) or trying to solve the murder in a rousing game of Clue (which he usually did!).

So for years after he died — and still occasionally — I felt conned in a way. Here’s how the internal conversation went down in my head…

“Of course father loved you. He loved you more than anything…”

“If he took being a father so seriously, then why isn’t he here?”

“His suicide does not take away from the fact that his family was the most important thing in his life.”

“Oh, really?? Then why do I feel so cast aside?”

My thoughts would usually swirl around in this sort of continuous loop, and even though I’d eventually get tired of asking the same questions over and over, I still felt compelled to ask them — as if not asking them would somehow make his death all too real.

But it is real, and this year, I’ve been thinking about all the things I wish I could tell him on Father’s Day. You know, like in those futuristic movies where the world is about to explode and you have exactly 45 seconds to tell your loved one everything you’ve ever wanted to tell them. Well, what if I could see my father again for just 45 seconds? Here are the three things I’d try to get off my chest…

Dear Father: Most of my anger has been replaced with missing you
Yes, I do still have anger toward you, and I don’t think anyone would begrudge me that. Maybe even you knew this anger would find me; I hope that’s one of the biggest things you regret. But now, some 11 years later, I miss you. This summer is making me so nostalgic for my childhood, for all those innocent days when nothing and everything mattered. I miss you, and I hope you know that, wherever you are.

Dear Father: I’ve managed to carve out a life for myself and I’m proud of it
I sometimes catch myself saying, “I’m not like…” And for some reason, I sometimes almost believe what I’m saying. Until I finally stop myself because looking back, I have come a long way, and, as anyone who’s lost someone knows, that’s no small feat. I’m proud of who I am. I’m proud of where I am in my life. It’s a life I hope you would be proud of too. You’ve had a hand in helping me get this far, whether you’re here or not.

Dear Father: I may not always admit it, but I do think about you every day
That’s totally normal, isn’t it? I mean, I’m not debilitated by grief, but I have moments during the day when you do cross my mind. Like when I’m eating my yogurt at lunch and remember how you’d always have to scrape every last bit out of the carton — yes, that was a bit annoying, if I’m being honest. Like the times I hear The Beach Boys and remember how you’d blast their tunes every weekend cleaning the bathroom. Like how you’d get that little happy glint in your eye whenever we’d come and visit you in “your shop” at work during the summer.

Would 45 seconds be long enough to tell my father all this? I’m not sure, but I’d sure like to try. And, I wonder what he’d like to tell me. What an interesting meeting that would be… xoxo

P.S. 3 things I’ve learned about bonding and 5 question I’d ask my father.

[Photos via We Heart It]