Why I Crunch Doritos and Will Never Be ‘Lady-Like’

Have I mentioned this week how frustrating and utterly exhausting it is being a woman?? I mean, we’re well into the 21st Century and women are still being fed sexist, antiquated notions about what it means to be a woman. The latest doozy we’re being fed (quite literally, actually!): We need special chips because, HEAVEN FORBID, we should crunch Doritos!!

Yes, it’s true. I didn’t believe it myself at first — c’mon, who would? — but the proof is right there in the transcript. PepsiCo chief executive Indra Nooyi spoke with the Freakonomics podcast about the company’s big plans to revolutionize women’s snacking experience…

“As you watch a lot of the young guys eat the chips, they love their Doritos, and they lick their fingers with great glee, and when they reach the bottom of the bag they pour the little broken pieces into their mouth, because they don’t want to lose that taste of the flavor, and the broken chips in the bottom. Women would love to do the same, but they don’t. They don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers generously and they don’t like to pour the little broken pieces and the flavor into their mouth.”

THE HORROR! GASP! HOW UNDIGNIFIED!

As if the world hasn’t become unhinged enough. Now, I feel like I’m living in some alternate Victorian-era nightmare! You know, the kind where rules like these are the norm…

*Don’t wear pants.

*Don’t go out by yourself at night.

*Don’t ask a man for a date — wait until he comes to you

*Don’t speak unless spoken to.

*Don’t order a large meal in public.

And now, sadly, we need to be instructed on the proper way to eat and enjoy a salty snack.

It’s 2018, people! The days are viewing women as “less than” are over. Women are fragile and helpless. We’re not some diminutive creature who needs to be protected. We’re strong, powerful and are fully capable of taking care of ourselves.

There’s also an interesting metaphorical subtext to these “Lady Doritos.” The sound. In making chips that won’t make as much of a crunchy sound, it’s as if Doritos is telling women to “be quiet. Don’t make so much noise.” How sad that this is just another way the silencing of women is taking place in 2018.

Well, I can assure you of one thing: They will not take my voice. Or my crunchy chips! This is an assault on women. It’s also an assault on snacks, and NO ONE gets in the way of my snacks! I’m going to crunch Doritos day and night. I’m going to crunch Doritos any time I like. I’ll be loud and proud about it too. And, yes, I’ll even be licking my fingers! The powder that gets on your fingers is the best part, after all.

I’m not sure what’s more insulting: The fact that Doritos thinks women would actually want these chips or the idea that the company thinks we need them in the first place. The company did squash the rumors and is, in fact, not developing “Lady Doritos,” but even if the whole thing was merely meant as a joke, I doubt anyone is laughing. Since when is sexism funny? Insulting is far more accurate.

My sister asked me recently if I was wearing lipstick one afternoon. “Oh, no,” I replied. “I had nacho cheese Doritos with my lunch!” Haha, see, crunchy chips are even part of my brand! There’s no way I’m going off brand!

If Doritos wants me to be lady-like, well, they’ve picked the wrong woman. That’s just never going to happen. Life is too short and I intend to enjoy my chips the way nature intended: Crunchy, flavorful and finger-licking good!

Now I just need a t-shirt that says WOMEN CRUNCH DORITOS. Who wants to market this with me?

Thoughts, friends? Did you believe this story when it first came out? Let’s all open a big bag of Doritos tonight in solidarity and celebration! What do you think?? xoxo