On the “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” Song Controversy

Baby, It's Cold OutsideI’m sitting here in the doctor’s office waiting room and thinking about the “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” song controversy. I’ve always had mixed feelings about the song itself. But in light of everything that’s happened since the #MeToo movement galvanized the public consciousness, there’s no denying the song’s deeper, lecherous undertones. To put it mildly: It’s dangerous.

We’ve all heard the winter ditty, which was written in 1944 by Frank Loesser as a duet that he and his wife Lynn Garland performed at parties. The song went on to win the 1949 Academy Award for Best Original Song for Neptune’s Daughter and has since been recorded by the likes of Barry Manilow, Bette Midler, Robert Palmer, Zooey Deschanel, Rod Stewart and Meghan Trainor.

It’s not without its detractors, though, despite the song’s endurance and longevity. This year, some radio stations banned the song following complaints from listeners. Still, Loesser’s daughter Susan Loesser maintains that her father didn’t have any malicious intent with the song.

Yet in 2018…? Things just aren’t that simple.

On the surface, “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” just looks like a fun, harmless song. It’s full of flirty banter — banter that tries to play itself off as a coy cat-and-mouse chase. Oh, look at this cute couple! How romantic that the man wants the woman to stay! The woman is trying to resist, but gosh darn it, the guy is just so charming and she wants to say “yes“!! He’s making his case and doing everything he can to get her to stay just a little longer — warm fireplace, no cabs in sight, all that treacherous snow out there! It’s just too dangerous! This guy is shameless!

But, just like those dangerous men (coincidence? I think not…), looks can be deceiving. Very deceiving, if you will. Our little jaunt eventually leads us to lines like this: “Say what’s in this drink?”

DANGER, DANGER.

Let’s just be real for one second and get to the root of the problem. People objecting to “Baby It’s Cold Outside” (and rightfully so) is only a symptom. It’s not the cause. Instead of being mad at people who object to the song, maybe we should be mad at men for ruining our ability to enjoy a Christmas bop. Maybe we should be mad at their entitled behavior. Maybe we should be mad at their failure to understand what the word “no” means. It’s the whole displacing blame that I have no time for! It’s akin to victim-blaming. It’s men who have done these horrible things. Time to place blame where it’s deserved.

And also, maybe we should also stop shaming ADULT women for wanting to enjoy themselves. In the forties, a woman who decided to stay would be slut-shamed, even though she’s an adult and capable of making her own choices. Yet she’s worried about how people would perceive her — her sister, father, brother, the neighbors, I’m sure. IF this man wasn’t a lecherous creep and she genuinely wanted to stay longer, my gosh, let the woman enjoy herself without all the side-eye judgment!

As Emily Crockett wrote for Vox, the dangerous undertones can’t be ignored, especially in a climate where men seem to feed off the power of chasing a woman (and not in a good way)…

The “rapey” reading, on the other hand, finds the events of the song troubling given our modern understanding of how sexual consent and sexual assault work. Regardless of what Loesser intended, it’s a lousy model for romance that normalizes sexual coercion and date rape.

The “rapey” reading allows for the possibility that the woman really does want to go — and if that’s the case, it becomes much more obvious why the man’s behavior is a problem. Sure, maybe she’ll end up staying because the man won’t stop bothering her and it seems easier to just give in at a certain point. But just because she gives in doesn’t mean she really wanted it, or that she’ll feel good about it afterward. And whether or not she enjoys herself, and whether or not she feels violated or ashamed afterward, the ends of how she feels about it later still don’t justify the means of how he got her to stay.

Decision time, friends: Where do you stand when it comes to the “Baby It’s Cold Outside” song controversy? Is it romantic or rapey? Flirty or fearful? Innocent or icky? Let’s chat about it… xoxo

P.S. Remember Tuesday Tunes?

[Photo and video of Neptune’s Daughter]

Sorry, Taylor Swift: Your Political Comments Should Have Come Sooner

Taylor SwiftI’ve been a huge fan of Taylor Swift since her Fearless days. And while I do consider myself a dedicated “Swiftie,” there’s one thing I’ve never been a fan of: Her virtual silence when it came to politics.

Swift ended her silent streak over the weekend to come out and voice her support for Democratic candidates in her home state of Tennessee. Taking to Instagram, she penned a post on racism, sexism and LGBTQ rights.

“I always have and always will cast my vote based on which candidate will protect and fight for the human rights I believe we all deserve in this country,” she wrote. “I believe in the fight for LGBTQ rights, and that any form of discrimination based on sexual orientation or gender is WRONG. I believe that the systemic racism we still see in this country towards people of color is terrifying, sickening and prevalent.”

While I applaud Taylor Swift for encouraging everyone to make their voice heard by registering to vote and heading to the polls in November, the world has been in a tailspin long before now. Where was Swift during the 2016 election? Where was her voice during the Muslim travel ban or the transgender ban in the military? Where was her support for families separated at the border?

Swift has a history of using her star power and platform for good. She’s lent her support — and money — to such causes as childhood cancer and arts education. So to see her remain silent for years when it came to anything political is disappointing. For a celebrity who has essentially built a career out of being honest and, literally, fearless, she’s amassed a powerful empire. Whether you like her music or not, she’s considered the voice of a generation, and at a time when many of her fans are just approaching voting age, we can’t discount her influence on them.

The music industry has a long and storied history with political activism. Musicians have always found a way to influence both culture and politics, from Farm Aid to the Dixie Chicks to Kanye West’s most recent rant on SNL. Maybe Swift was worried about her more conservative fans, but surely, she could see the greater good in speaking up and bringing important issues to the forefront. She may be a skilled businesswoman, but she’s first and foremost an American with a civic duty; the latter should take precedence.

Some say that you shouldn’t openly discuss politics — that it’s something so personal that we should keep it to ourselves. But lives hang in the balance under the current administration, so now is not the time to be silent. Because this is about so much more than politics and about so much more than red vs. blue, Democrats vs. Republicans. It’s about humanity and the future. In 2018, the personal is political and the political is personal; there’s no way of separating the two. Too much is at stake.

We’re all sitting around waiting for someone else to speak up, waiting for someone else to fight, someone else to lead the revolution. Taylor Swift has the means and influence to be leading that revolution. It’s a shame she isn’t. She would do well to take her cue from other celebrities who have spoken out, including the likes of Alyssa Milano and Katy Perry.

Taylor SwiftSwift’s Instagram post has already made a difference, causing a surge in voter registration, especially among the 18-to-29 age group. Imagine the positive influence she could have had if she spoke out before the 2016 election. To be sure, I’m not knocking Swift’s efforts, which are obviously working, but I’ve seen people on social media proclaim that she’s going to save us all with this one act. She’s not. Because there have been people fighting and advocating for years. So while Taylor Swift does deserve credit, let’s not forget that her voice and power is coming pretty late to the game.

An Open Letter to USA Today

USA TodayDear USA Today:

We have to talk. Dare I say that it’s a dire emergency? Last night, I went to bed thinking about this and it was the first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning. So suffice it to say, this is serious.

Growing up as a young journalist, I looked up to you. I admired you — some may even say that I was a bit obsessed. Your instantly recognizable masthead. Your mini teasers down the side. Your full-color photos.

Yes, you were certainly reinventing journalism as we knew it. You made journalism cool and accessible and you broke convention, delivering the news not in the stuffy way like your predecessors, but in the way that people — your readers — were actually consuming news in the digital age. Short. Snappy. To the point.

I’d even been known to defend you when people would call you McNews. No one was going to disparage my favorite newspaper like that!

Sadly, though, I can’t defend you anymore. In fact, this goes far deeper than just being unable to defend you because I’m downright perplexed by a decision you made yesterday — a decision that made my jaw drop practically to the floor. And even today, it’s still…on…the…floor.

Your choice to publish an op-ed by Donald Trump is not only disappointing, but also reckless and incredibly dangerous; it goes against everything we journalist hold sacred about our profession and our duty to report the TRUTH above all else. Yes, op-eds are opinion pieces at the core, but the facts used to support those opinions need to be true. Were your fact-checkers all sick that day? Surely, this piece was edited by more than one editor before it went to press. Did not one of them say, “You know, I’m not so sure we should publish this.”

You tried to defend your decision on Twitter, saying that USA Today “provides a forum for a diversity of views on issues of national relevance. We see ourselves as America’s conversation center, presenting our readers with voices from the right, left and middle.”

Yes, newspapers do publish a diversity of views, but facts aren’t diverse and they don’t change. A fact is a fact. And some of the facts you published were misleading, even wrong at times.

The fact is, the erroneous words of a wannabe dictator have no place in the free press. It’s disappointing that your actions will hurt the already-struggling credibility of hardworking journalists everywhere — journalists who are already maligned. If they become a mouthpiece for this administration, how are they to maintain their independence and continue their most important role, which is to be a watchdog of those in power. After all, they are the fourth estate, remember?

USA TodayThat’s why I’m so thankful for the journalists and editors who are speaking out and voicing their concerns. Today alone, CNN published some inspiring words from Michelle Obama and I’ve never been more proud to be a regular contributor to CNN Opinion.

I sincerely hope you’ll listen to the advice of your colleagues and re-consider the impact of your decision. Also, feel free to read my own op-ed I wrote recently on the very nature of the role of the press, especially in these uncertain, troubling times. Please don’t let McNews become McFakeNews. Don’t let that become the legacy of USA Today… xoxo

[Top photo via The Boston Globe, editorial cartoon by Rennie Patterson]

In the #MeToo Era: Where Have All the Good Men Gone?

Good MenThis morning, I cued up the old Twitter and was greeted with a hashtag about National Boyfriend Day. It’s today, apparently. There’s a plethora of tweets from people bestowing the virtues of their boyfriend, giving shout-outs to their favorite celebrities and declaring that all they need is their cat. Oh, wait, that last one is just me. Either way, through the haze of lovey-dovey Internet PDAs, I couldn’t help but pull a Carrie Bradshaw and wonder: Where have all the good men gone??

This is a question that’s been haunting me for awhile now. It’s embedded in my brain and I just can’t seem to let it go. For some reason, I cling to it. And I don’t ask it as some bitter feminist who is on some angry tirade against men, even though every headline this week has sent me down yet another spiral of rage. Instead, I’m asking as a decent human being wondering out loud where all the decent men are these days.

Are they all hiding from me? Are they at the local Target? Busy taking a morning jog? Or maybe they’re all “too scared” to come out and actually support women when we need it the most? Honestly, that last scenario is the only one that seems plausible to me right now. Because I’m sure not seeing these good men that people like my mom swear are out there. All I’m seeing are entitled, mansplaining dude bros who are exasperated that they’re being called out because, for some, their cushy little life has never been disrupted like that before.

It’s a wake-up call for them, as it should be! Because no matter how many people say, “Oh, there ARE still good men in the world,” those words alone just aren’t enough anymore. In 2018, it’s simply not acceptable to just say these good men are out there. I, and so many women, need to SEE these supposed good men in action. Men need to be an integral part of the #MeToo movement and need to be loud and proud in their support of sexual assault survivors. They need to stand up to this world of misogyny and sexism that we’re living in and let women know that they’re not alone — that they have the support of men as well as women.

Remember that list I wrote when I was 17 — you know, the one about what traits I’d want the future Mr. Melissa Blake to possess? It contained some 20+ qualifications and looking back at that list now, I’m amazed at how high my standards were. Right now, in 2018, I just want someone who is a decent human being and knows that assault is WRONG. My, how low our standards and expectations have fallen, huh? It’s a sad state of affairs — one that, I’m sure, isn’t felt by just myself. I’m pretty sure a lot of people are currently feeling like this.

Good MenSo, what is the answer to my original question? I’m not sure, but I wish I knew where to go from here. I wish I knew how to move beyond this endless sea that we’re all drowning in. But I do know that the way out involves those good men, so I hope — on all that is holy — that they show themselves before it’s too late. Because that “too late” point? It’s coming faster than we think and sometimes, I think we’re already there.

As Zachary Hendrickson wrote in an op-ed for Columbia University’s Columbia Daily Spectator, it’s beyond time that men do something RIGHT NOW…

“Take the time to review your personal history with the same scrutiny that you wish the senate judiciary committee would have shown Judge Kavanaugh last week. Be honest with yourself and with others. Understand that we’re all capable of doing terrible things. Accept that no amount of “beer” or drugs can be used as an excuse. Then start digging. And no matter what you find at the end of that process, own up to it. Acknowledge it, work through it with a therapist if you need one, apologize for it, take actions to atone for it, and don’t ever let it happen again…”

Amen! Where are these good men, friends? How can we continue to fight for justice and equality in a world that feels so unjust and unequal right now? I’d love to hear your wisdom on this very-important topic. We need to keep this conversation going as long as it takes… xoxo

[Second photo via Unsplash]

Why I Crunch Doritos and Will Never Be ‘Lady-Like’

Crunch DoritosHave I mentioned this week how frustrating and utterly exhausting it is being a woman?? I mean, we’re well into the 21st Century and women are still being fed sexist, antiquated notions about what it means to be a woman. The latest doozy we’re being fed (quite literally, actually!): We need special chips because, HEAVEN FORBID, we should crunch Doritos!!

Yes, it’s true. I didn’t believe it myself at first — c’mon, who would? — but the proof is right there in the transcript. PepsiCo chief executive Indra Nooyi spoke with the Freakonomics podcast about the company’s big plans to revolutionize women’s snacking experience…

“As you watch a lot of the young guys eat the chips, they love their Doritos, and they lick their fingers with great glee, and when they reach the bottom of the bag they pour the little broken pieces into their mouth, because they don’t want to lose that taste of the flavor, and the broken chips in the bottom. Women would love to do the same, but they don’t. They don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers generously and they don’t like to pour the little broken pieces and the flavor into their mouth.”

THE HORROR! GASP! HOW UNDIGNIFIED!

As if the world hasn’t become unhinged enough. Now, I feel like I’m living in some alternate Victorian-era nightmare! You know, the kind where rules like these are the norm…

*Don’t wear pants.

*Don’t go out by yourself at night.

*Don’t ask a man for a date — wait until he comes to you

*Don’t speak unless spoken to.

*Don’t order a large meal in public.

And now, sadly, we need to be instructed on the proper way to eat and enjoy a salty snack.

It’s 2018, people! The days are viewing women as “less than” are over. Women are fragile and helpless. We’re not some diminutive creature who needs to be protected. We’re strong, powerful and are fully capable of taking care of ourselves.

There’s also an interesting metaphorical subtext to these “Lady Doritos.” The sound. In making chips that won’t make as much of a crunchy sound, it’s as if Doritos is telling women to “be quiet. Don’t make so much noise.” How sad that this is just another way the silencing of women is taking place in 2018.

Well, I can assure you of one thing: They will not take my voice. Or my crunchy chips! This is an assault on women. It’s also an assault on snacks, and NO ONE gets in the way of my snacks! I’m going to crunch Doritos day and night. I’m going to crunch Doritos any time I like. I’ll be loud and proud about it too. And, yes, I’ll even be licking my fingers! The powder that gets on your fingers is the best part, after all.

I’m not sure what’s more insulting: The fact that Doritos thinks women would actually want these chips or the idea that the company thinks we need them in the first place. The company did squash the rumors and is, in fact, not developing “Lady Doritos,” but even if the whole thing was merely meant as a joke, I doubt anyone is laughing. Since when is sexism funny? Insulting is far more accurate.

Crunch DoritosMy sister asked me recently if I was wearing lipstick one afternoon. “Oh, no,” I replied. “I had nacho cheese Doritos with my lunch!” Haha, see, crunchy chips are even part of my brand! There’s no way I’m going off brand!

If Doritos wants me to be lady-like, well, they’ve picked the wrong woman. That’s just never going to happen. Life is too short and I intend to enjoy my chips the way nature intended: Crunchy, flavorful and finger-licking good!

Now I just need a t-shirt that says WOMEN CRUNCH DORITOS. Who wants to market this with me?

Thoughts, friends? Did you believe this story when it first came out? Let’s all open a big bag of Doritos tonight in solidarity and celebration! What do you think?? xoxo