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Monday, February 11, 2019

What Adam Levine and His Super Bowl Performance Says About Women’s Bodies

Adam LevineSo about Adam Levine and that shirtless, tattooed-torso Super Bowl performance of his last weekend. I. Just. Can’t. And I’m not just talking about that giant “California” tattoo scrawled across his stomach! It’s just more than I can, well, stomach.

After watching the Super Bowl Halftime Show, I reacted like lots of people on social media: shocked (but not surprised) at double standards yet again. Here was the uber, excessively confident Maroon 5 rocker, loud and proud in front of thousands, singing his band’s greatest hits. Just when you think things are winding down, BAM! He rips his shirt off and flaunts himself across the stage like he was auditioning to be the next Magic Mike. It was sure a sight, trust me.

Some people were losing it over their love of Adam’s tats and six-pack abs, seemingly forgetting about the Super Bowl halftime show in 2004 that saw Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake embroiled in controversy following a “wardrobe malfunction” that accidentally exposed Jackson’s breast. Well, it was mostly just Jackson who bared the brunt of criticism since Timberlake pretty much escaped unscathed.

Did I mention that said wardrobe malfunction wasn’t even Jackson’s fault? That didn’t stop people from shaming and shunning her for YEARS. Ooooh AND?!?!? The kicker is that Jackson’s gaffe even earned its own name: Nipplegate.

So, let me make sure I’m understanding this nonsense correctly: Levine gets photo galleries dedicated to his nakedness, but Jackson is made to wear the Scarlet Letter and blacklisted in the industry. Hmmm, OK, sadly, that sounds about right, but I sure wish we were farther along as a society in 2019. Have we not even progressed or grown that much?

Adam LevinePeople were so offended over over Nipplegate. Apparently a woman’s body is a crime on par with Watergate. Apparently, a woman’s body is something shameful, something that can’t be shown and must remain hidden at all times. This attitude only reinforces dangerous and sexist stereotypes, as well as send the message to young women that they can’t have the same type of body positivity as men do. If they do, they’ll be criticized and shamed for it.

I mean, the fact that the whole thing sparked a name in the first place is unbelievable. Back in 2004, memes didn’t really exist, but can you imagine the types of memes people would make about Jackson if this had happened today? They’d be ruthless! Instead, they’re out here praising Adam Levine…

What are your thoughts on the Adam Levine Super Bowl performance controversy? Do you think we’ve made any strides toward bridging the double standard gap, friends? xoxo

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Leave a Comment Filed Under: music, Shame on you, TV

Monday, February 4, 2019

The Dangers of Giving Teens Like Nick Sandmann the “Benefit of the Doubt”

Nick SandmannLike many people, I sat in horror as I watched the footage on the news. Wearing MAGA hats and chanting racist things, Nick Sandmann and a group of his classmates from Kentucky’s Covington Catholic High School stood face-to-face with Nathan Phillips, a Native American and Vietnam Vet participating in the Indigenous Peoples March in Washington D.C. The looks on the teens’ faces, particularly the face of Sandmann, sent a clear message of their intention: They were there to taunt, menace and intimidate.

The footage couldn’t have been clearer; it was all there, evidence of their racist and abhorrent behavior. Their voices. Their body language. Their smirk. There was virtually no interpretation or clarification needed. Like I said, the footage spoke for itself.

And yet, as I scanned social media in the days following the incident, people seemed to tell a very different and dangerous story. I saw people whose first reaction was not one of anger, but one of apprehension. They wanted to wait to see the full story, as if somehow, white teens wearing MAGA hats would magically become non-threatening and not racist.

They were so quick to give Nick Sandmann and his classmates the benefit of the doubt that they failed to see just how dangerous this reaction is — and what it continues to say about white privilege and the kind of future we’re all but ensuring if we don’t change course.

People being harassed for peacefully protesting and assembling has happened before. Sandmann didn’t say anything as he stood in front of Phillips. But then again, he didn’t have to. His smirk said it all. It was a smirk we’ve all seen before in those now-infamous photos from the Civil Rights Movement, where white men hovered over Black protesters during lunch counter sit-ins, where white passengers tried to intimidate Black riders on buses and where white students sneered as Black students took the first steps to desegregate high schools.

We like to think that we’ve come so far when it comes to equality, but Nick Sandmann shows us just how differently white and Black boys are judged by the public. Just think of Trayvon Martin. Unlike Sandmann, teens of color don’t have the luxury of going on apology tours; they don’t get the opportunity to go on the TODAY Show and tell their side of the story. For the public, there is no time to “wait and see” – these teens are judged and sentenced by the time they’re trending on Twitter.

Do we want this to be our future too? What sort of society are we destined to become when we let white teenage boys skate through life, seemingly able to do — and get away with — whatever they want? We’re setting the framework for a generation that thinks the world owes them, that they will never face consequences for their actions and that they can coast by on their white privilege alone.

Nick SandmannIn essence, we’re paving the way for the future Donald Trumps and Brett Kavanaughs. They become men who shut down the government when they don’t get their way and the men who don’t understand the word “no” because it’s a word they’ve never heard before. They’re the boys who become men who are white supremacists — the kind that viciously attacked me on Twitter last week when I simply suggested that we hold Sandmann and his classmates accountable.

Where we are now is not the future I want to be a part of. We need to teach these teens accountability so they can become men who don’t deflect their behavior and blame others for their actions. We need to teach them respect and demand that they be decent human beings. That’s not asking too much.

As a culture, we’re arriving at a point of reckoning. There’s no room for explaining away blatantly racist behavior, and we can’t continue to keep making space for hate. These teens knew exactly what they were doing. Isn’t it time we held them — and all white teen boys — accountable?

As my friend Nayomi Munaweera, a writer from California, put it: “White kids in MAGA hats get the benefit of the doubt. Meanwhile black kids walking to the store to get candy, black kids at the train station, black kids listening to music, black kids just being human do not get the benefit of the doubt. The difference between these two is the difference between life and death.”

Indeed. The behavior of Nick Sandmann and his classmates isn’t just a tale of teens behaving badly. It’s a sad story of white privilege that is threaded through our history. We can — and need — to do better. For us and for future generations… xoxo

[Bottom photo via Unsplash]

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3 Comments Filed Under: civil rights, Heartbreak, Shame on you

Friday, January 18, 2019

Why I’m Not Supporting This Year’s Women’s March

Women's MarchA few days ago, I was enjoying my after-dinner episode of The View, which has become one of my favorite nighttime rituals. But on this particular night, my heart sank as I watched the interview with Women’s March co-presidents Tamika Mallory and Bob Bland. By the time the interview was over, I was left with one thought: This is something I can no longer support.

The Women’s March has come under fire for being less than inclusive when it comes to disabilities, but both Mallory and Bland’s non-apology apology and refusal to condemn Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan for his history of anti-Semitic and homophobic rhetoric is downright dangerous and beyond forgivable; Mallory even overtly praised the leader on Instagram recently, calling him the “Greatest of All Time.”

Despite push-back from The View co-hosts, neither woman from the Women’s March would say outright that they condemn.

“What I will say to you is that I don’t agree with many of Minister Farrakhan’s statements,” Mallory said.

This statement is, quite simply, not enough. Not agreeing with Farrakhan’s words is not the same as condemning him. It’s saying that, yes, you still support him, and this is complicity. You are who you surround yourself with and the Women’s March has no right to call itself an inclusive organization while simultaneously endorsing hate and bigotry.

With the third Women’s March set for this weekend, Mallory’s words are having some negative consequences. Both the DNC and Southern Poverty Law Center have cut ties and will not be a part of the march.

There’s no picking and choosing here. You can’t choose to embrace some parts of someone and cast aside other parts as if they don’t exist. And it’s incredibly toxic and reprehensible when the parts you ignore are actually harming people. We’ve fought so hard and come too far to settle for “Well, he’s said some very problematic things, but he’s helped people, so it’s all OK.”

No, no, no! It’s most definitely not OK. Because the minute we choose to look the other way, we’re setting a very dangerous and slippery precedent. What if, little by little, we keep extending the boundaries of what is acceptable and what we’re willing to overlook? How far are we willing to go until we stop and say “Hold on! This is not right!”

My hope is that the Women’s March gets itself back on track and finds its way. It hurts my heart that something meant to be a beacon of hope, meant to uplift women, meant to be a powerful statement of resistance, could become so damaging to the very people it’s supposed to be championing.

Women's MarchI really love the way my writer friend Dorri, who has attended the Women’s March in the past, explained it…

“It’s like people saying, ‘I don’t like immigrant children being separated from their parents’ and then vote for the Republicans who are making that happen. You cannot separate Farrakhan from anti-Semitism.

I was so happy at the Women’s March. I felt like we were fighting to right the wrongs. I thought of Gloria Steinem and MLK and all of the people throughout history who have fought hard for change. But it’s so crushing that one of the Women’s March founders doesn’t see that it is despicable to be friends with an anti-Semite. It’s just more hate. I thought the Women’s March was full of good people — and it was. But I cannot align myself with them anymore because of this issue. I cannot say, ‘Well, I don’t like Anti-Semitism, but I like the Women’s March.’ Just doesn’t work for me.”

Sometimes, it’s your silence that speaks the loudest. And what the women of the Women’s March don’t say tells me all I need to know. Because in the end, aligning yourself with him IS endorsing his hate. There is absolutely no way to separate the two. That sets us all back. That makes us all lose. And that is incredibly sad and disappointing…

[Top photo by Bryan Woolston for Reuters; Illustration via Join the Uproar]

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4 Comments Filed Under: Election, Heartbreak, Shame on you

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Gillette Asks Men to Challenge Toxic Masculinity and We Need It

GilletteOoooh, it’s time to do some praising, friends!!! Have you seen this wonderful ad?? The famed razor brand Gillette asks men to challenge toxic masculinity and let me just say. It’s. About. Time. Because. We. Desperately. Need. It.

The video, which went live yesterday, sees the company put a socially conscious spin on its classic tagline (“The best a man can get“) by asking, “Is this the best a man can get?” It also shows a montage of various situations as examples of how men can have a positive impact instead of contributing to this dangerous culture of toxic masculinity. There are scenes about catcalling, scenes about mansplaining, scenes about aggression and — my favorite — a scene at the end that showed a father holding his young daughter and teaching her positive affirmations about herself.

In less than two minutes, Gillette was able to make a powerful statement and showed the world something so many of us have been saying for awhile: Men need to step up. Men need to DO BETTER.

Sadly, the video received its share of criticism, mostly from (surprise, surprise) MRA types who see any sort of call to action as a gut-punch condemnation. That is, they see it as a brutal attack that’s just not fair!

Here’s how the conversation usually goes when men are called out for their bad behavior…

Men: Women are overly emotional and triggered by every little thing!

Also men: Arghhhh, that Gillette ad is horrible!! It’s not fair!

Seriously, men, if you feel so threatened and enraged by an ad asking you to simply be a decent human being, maybe you’re the problem. Maybe it’s time you look in the mirror and ask yourself “What can I do to make my space better? How can I be part of the solution?”

We’re not asking men to move mountains. We’re not asking men to cure cancer. Heck, we’re not even asking men to bring about world peace. We’re merely asking you to commit to common decency and pledge to help more than harm. Men shouldn’t respond by getting angry. They should respond by joining women (and other men) who have been fighting the good fight for generations.

After all, that’s not asking too much, is it? The video ends with these thought-provoking words: “Because the boys watching today will be the men of tomorrow.”

Indeed, the next generation is watching, modeling, absorbing all these messages about what it means to “be a man.” Don’t we want to show them all the good things men can be?? Let’s get started, OK…?? At the very least, men out there, you can start with “I’m sorry…“

P.S. In the #MeToo Era: Where Have All the Good Men Gone?

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4 Comments Filed Under: A Woman's Word, Memo To Men, Shame on you

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

On the “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” Song Controversy

Baby, It's Cold OutsideI’m sitting here in the doctor’s office waiting room and thinking about the “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” song controversy. I’ve always had mixed feelings about the song itself. But in light of everything that’s happened since the #MeToo movement galvanized the public consciousness, there’s no denying the song’s deeper, lecherous undertones. To put it mildly: It’s dangerous.

We’ve all heard the winter ditty, which was written in 1944 by Frank Loesser as a duet that he and his wife Lynn Garland performed at parties. The song went on to win the 1949 Academy Award for Best Original Song for Neptune’s Daughter and has since been recorded by the likes of Barry Manilow, Bette Midler, Robert Palmer, Zooey Deschanel, Rod Stewart and Meghan Trainor.

It’s not without its detractors, though, despite the song’s endurance and longevity. This year, some radio stations banned the song following complaints from listeners. Still, Loesser’s daughter Susan Loesser maintains that her father didn’t have any malicious intent with the song.

Yet in 2018…? Things just aren’t that simple.

On the surface, “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” just looks like a fun, harmless song. It’s full of flirty banter — banter that tries to play itself off as a coy cat-and-mouse chase. Oh, look at this cute couple! How romantic that the man wants the woman to stay! The woman is trying to resist, but gosh darn it, the guy is just so charming and she wants to say “yes“!! He’s making his case and doing everything he can to get her to stay just a little longer — warm fireplace, no cabs in sight, all that treacherous snow out there! It’s just too dangerous! This guy is shameless!

But, just like those dangerous men (coincidence? I think not…), looks can be deceiving. Very deceiving, if you will. Our little jaunt eventually leads us to lines like this: “Say what’s in this drink?”

DANGER, DANGER.

Let’s just be real for one second and get to the root of the problem. People objecting to “Baby It’s Cold Outside” (and rightfully so) is only a symptom. It’s not the cause. Instead of being mad at people who object to the song, maybe we should be mad at men for ruining our ability to enjoy a Christmas bop. Maybe we should be mad at their entitled behavior. Maybe we should be mad at their failure to understand what the word “no” means. It’s the whole displacing blame that I have no time for! It’s akin to victim-blaming. It’s men who have done these horrible things. Time to place blame where it’s deserved.

And also, maybe we should also stop shaming ADULT women for wanting to enjoy themselves. In the forties, a woman who decided to stay would be slut-shamed, even though she’s an adult and capable of making her own choices. Yet she’s worried about how people would perceive her — her sister, father, brother, the neighbors, I’m sure. IF this man wasn’t a lecherous creep and she genuinely wanted to stay longer, my gosh, let the woman enjoy herself without all the side-eye judgment!

As Emily Crockett wrote for Vox, the dangerous undertones can’t be ignored, especially in a climate where men seem to feed off the power of chasing a woman (and not in a good way)…

The “rapey” reading, on the other hand, finds the events of the song troubling given our modern understanding of how sexual consent and sexual assault work. Regardless of what Loesser intended, it’s a lousy model for romance that normalizes sexual coercion and date rape.

The “rapey” reading allows for the possibility that the woman really does want to go — and if that’s the case, it becomes much more obvious why the man’s behavior is a problem. Sure, maybe she’ll end up staying because the man won’t stop bothering her and it seems easier to just give in at a certain point. But just because she gives in doesn’t mean she really wanted it, or that she’ll feel good about it afterward. And whether or not she enjoys herself, and whether or not she feels violated or ashamed afterward, the ends of how she feels about it later still don’t justify the means of how he got her to stay.

Decision time, friends: Where do you stand when it comes to the “Baby It’s Cold Outside” song controversy? Is it romantic or rapey? Flirty or fearful? Innocent or icky? Let’s chat about it… xoxo

P.S. Remember Tuesday Tunes?

[Photo and video of Neptune’s Daughter]

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1 Comment Filed Under: holidays, music, Shame on you

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So About What I Said is a daily blog that covers relationships, disabilities, lifestyle and pop culture. I love to laugh and have been known to overshare. I also have an unabashed obsession with pop music, polo shirts, and PEZ dispensers. Read more...

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