Why I Crunch Doritos and Will Never Be ‘Lady-Like’

Crunch DoritosHave I mentioned this week how frustrating and utterly exhausting it is being a woman?? I mean, we’re well into the 21st Century and women are still being fed sexist, antiquated notions about what it means to be a woman. The latest doozy we’re being fed (quite literally, actually!): We need special chips because, HEAVEN FORBID, we should crunch Doritos!!

Yes, it’s true. I didn’t believe it myself at first — c’mon, who would? — but the proof is right there in the transcript. PepsiCo chief executive Indra Nooyi spoke with the Freakonomics podcast about the company’s big plans to revolutionize women’s snacking experience…

“As you watch a lot of the young guys eat the chips, they love their Doritos, and they lick their fingers with great glee, and when they reach the bottom of the bag they pour the little broken pieces into their mouth, because they don’t want to lose that taste of the flavor, and the broken chips in the bottom. Women would love to do the same, but they don’t. They don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers generously and they don’t like to pour the little broken pieces and the flavor into their mouth.”

THE HORROR! GASP! HOW UNDIGNIFIED!

As if the world hasn’t become unhinged enough. Now, I feel like I’m living in some alternate Victorian-era nightmare! You know, the kind where rules like these are the norm…

*Don’t wear pants.

*Don’t go out by yourself at night.

*Don’t ask a man for a date — wait until he comes to you

*Don’t speak unless spoken to.

*Don’t order a large meal in public.

And now, sadly, we need to be instructed on the proper way to eat and enjoy a salty snack.

It’s 2018, people! The days are viewing women as “less than” are over. Women are fragile and helpless. We’re not some diminutive creature who needs to be protected. We’re strong, powerful and are fully capable of taking care of ourselves.

There’s also an interesting metaphorical subtext to these “Lady Doritos.” The sound. In making chips that won’t make as much of a crunchy sound, it’s as if Doritos is telling women to “be quiet. Don’t make so much noise.” How sad that this is just another way the silencing of women is taking place in 2018.

Well, I can assure you of one thing: They will not take my voice. Or my crunchy chips! This is an assault on women. It’s also an assault on snacks, and NO ONE gets in the way of my snacks! I’m going to crunch Doritos day and night. I’m going to crunch Doritos any time I like. I’ll be loud and proud about it too. And, yes, I’ll even be licking my fingers! The powder that gets on your fingers is the best part, after all.

I’m not sure what’s more insulting: The fact that Doritos thinks women would actually want these chips or the idea that the company thinks we need them in the first place. The company did squash the rumors and is, in fact, not developing “Lady Doritos,” but even if the whole thing was merely meant as a joke, I doubt anyone is laughing. Since when is sexism funny? Insulting is far more accurate.

Crunch DoritosMy sister asked me recently if I was wearing lipstick one afternoon. “Oh, no,” I replied. “I had nacho cheese Doritos with my lunch!” Haha, see, crunchy chips are even part of my brand! There’s no way I’m going off brand!

If Doritos wants me to be lady-like, well, they’ve picked the wrong woman. That’s just never going to happen. Life is too short and I intend to enjoy my chips the way nature intended: Crunchy, flavorful and finger-licking good!

Now I just need a t-shirt that says WOMEN CRUNCH DORITOS. Who wants to market this with me?

Thoughts, friends? Did you believe this story when it first came out? Let’s all open a big bag of Doritos tonight in solidarity and celebration! What do you think?? xoxo

Why Is the Sexiest Man Alive a White Dude Bro?

Sexiest Man AliveYesterday, in a tradition that has become most epic and iconic, People magazine announced their pick for this year’s coveted Sexiest Man Alive. Obviously, the title comes with many perks: Bragging rights. A splashy national magazine cover prominently displayed in the checkout aisle — a cover that would send women into fits of hysterics while on an after-work Target run. And, a sizable platform to present yourself to the world and really make some kind of positive impact.

Well, this year’s cover was successful in one regard: It did send me into fits of hysterics. But these hysterics weren’t of the happy, “OMG, I looooove him” variety! No, they were more like, “Uh, wow! So we’re going with ANOTHER white dude bro, huh?”

We already have a white dude bro in the White House. I don’t need to see it on the cover of People too!!

Because, let’s just go ahead and put all our cards on the table here…Blake Shelton is about as mainstream (read: safe) as you can get. He oozes that good-old Southern Boy charm, and he sings about such quintessential American staples as trucks, beer, girls, drinking beer while in your truck cruising for some girls. It’s all very…bland. And, honestly, it’s been done so…many…times…before.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

Frankly, it’s just all getting old, and I don’t know about you, but I’m DONE with it all. The last year has been one giant, uphill battle that we’ve climbed, only to get to the top and see a raging dumpster fire of crookedness, evil, rampant sexual assault, entitlement, mansplaining and men just behaving VERY badly in general. So to see it basically glorified in a glossy magazine (yet again!) is just downright troubling, not to mention pretty insulting all around. As another white dude bro would probably say, “So sad…yuge mistake!”

And thankfully, it looks like I’m not alone in my assessment. ELLE magazine is also questioning the choice, writing, “Wow indeed. 2017 is doing the absolutely most in the absolute strangest way possible. We need a special counsel to investigate this because I am sure that this is just Putin trying to make us crazy…I know all men are trash but I wasn’t aware that they were all dead, also.”

Now there’s a magazine that speaks the truth, if you ask me!! I’m more than ready for a big, sweeping change to come rolling through. You know, something to shake up this sad, unfortunate status quo this country has got going on right now. I mean, I can think of thousands of better choices than Mr. Shelton, like Sterling K. Brown, John Cho or Jesse Williams.

Or, what about a man in a wheelchair like Stephen Hawking. Or that guy named Barack Obama — I heard he’s done some pretty inspiring things. I need him back in my life, in any way possible!

And those, really, are just the examples I can think of off the top of my head.

As my writer friend Sarah said…

Ugh, I have nothing against Blake Shelton, I mean, he’s all right, seems like a nice guy, but omggggg, People has a way of picking the most boring, generic, cookie-cutter white guys. Pick someone quirky like Adrien Brody or something…

Sarah, I couldn’t agree more! In fact, I think the majority of America would agree with you!

What do you think, friends?? Did People get it right? Who else would you nominate as Sexiest Man Alive?? Let’s start next year’s campaign early!! xoxo

How Phrases Like “I’m So OCD” Are Damaging

OCDI’m feeling feisty today, friends!! Why, you wonder? Well, it’s all thanks to a little post I came across on Facebook last night. The still from a video, above, actually. There is SO much I want to say about this, so I thought it only appropriate to turn it into a blog post. Let’s just state the truth right away: No, this is not OCD. This doesn’t even come close to being anything resembling Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

After all, my family would know.

I won’t go too much into it, but suffice it to say, my sister has struggled with OCD since she was in first grade. And by struggle, I mean she’s battled a true illness. It wasn’t just that she liked things in a certain order or despised a messy house. No, that wasn’t her life. Her OCD impacted every aspect of her life, from social situations to simply getting ready for the day.

But you know what? She’s fought and fought. She’s spent years staring down those demons, and I’ve seen first-hand how difficult and exhausting it can all be. It hasn’t been easy, but she’s never given up; I continue to be in awe of her strength and bravery. She’s not going to let OCD win.

So seeing people repost that horrible video on Facebook — people who I’m sure know someone who truly suffers from OCD — is incredibly insulting and hurtful. This is beyond insensitive and trivializes a legitimate medical condition, and it’s incredibly sad that people perpetuate the stigmas of mental health. Honestly, it’s 2017 — mental illness and making light of the very real pain of others is nothing to joke about. There’s no place for that now. And there’s especially no place for that in the future!

Perhaps my writer friend Pauline Campos puts it far better than I ever could. She’s been diagnosed with clinical obsessive-compulsive disorder and wrote about the damaging ways people use the term OCD for Marie Claire. As she writes…

Every Christmas, friends and colleagues one-up each other with how OCD they are about gift-wrapping or decorating the tree just so. Every spring, it’s practically OCD season as people who do not actually have obsessive-compulsive disorder reorganize their closet and then bandy about a legitimate mental illness as though a punchline.

Claiming your love for organizing is a disease makes the actual disease more difficult to take seriously, to acknowledge, and to receive treatment for when sufferers attempt to seek help. When people joke about “being OCD” in real life or on social media, they are trivializing the experiences of those who are truly suffering.

I have been diagnosed with clinical obsessive compulsive disorder. I’m here to tell you it’s not a joke.

And, it also shouldn’t be such a new or revolutionary idea to be compassionate and sympathetic to people who are suffering. That sympathy is something that should come first, not second, after you’ve already made fun of such a serious and sometimes debilitating condition. For the love of all that is good, PLEASE DON’T BE THAT PERSON.

OCDAnd maybe that’s the most important message I’m trying to get across in this post today: OCD is no laughing matter. Don’t flippantly reduce it to a joke. For anyone that thinks this is funny or “harmless fun,” it’s time for you to educate yourself because ignorance doesn’t help anyone. In fact, it’s downright damaging and dangerous. So, wake up, people!!!

It’s time people know better and realize that this isn’t OK. At all. Are you with me, friends? Isn’t it time we really work to erase the stigma once and for all? #LetsDoIt #MentalIllnessIsReal

[Bottom illustration via We Heart It]

On Sexual Harassment and Women’s Voices

Sexual HarassmentBy now, we’ve all seen the alarming headlines and read the disturbing stories about Harvey Weinstein, the Hollywood mogul accused earlier this month of sexual harassment. It’s beyond appalling and disgusting, and I’m left with some very big questions. Perhaps the biggest question of all: Why are women’s voices still being silenced in 2017…? Why are women still not being believed??

All too often, women are silenced. They’re told to “be quiet” and to not rock the boat. It’s everywhere and sometimes insidious, from the time we’re young and told that little girls are polite and proper. By the time we’re teenagers, we’ve internalized those words to mean that “good girls” don’t stand up for themselves — or, even more damaging, that good girls don’t get themselves into those types of dangerous situations in the first place.

Plus, everything from Bernie Sanders speaking at the Women’s Convention to Twitter temporarily suspending actress Rose McGowan…it all highlights a culture steeped in making women feel ashamed, as if they were second-class citizens, as if they were somehow “less than.”

I don’t have the time or the patience for that kind of archaic thinking. I hope you don’t either.

This week, I’ve been reflecting a lot on the #MeToo social media movement and its powerful impact. I’ve read courageous stories from people coming forward and am in awe of their bravery. This, at long last, is just the beginning of the conversation.

Personally, I’ve been stared at and pointed at and trolled on Twitter, but that’s all, which speaks to how society views women with disabilities. So, umm, I’m thankful for my disability, I guess? Though being glad you’re disabled because then you won’t get sexually harassed is an issue unto itself.

Carly Findlay, my awesome writer friend and disability activist, said it so much better than I could in a recent Facebook post…

Disabled women are often regarded as asexual or de-sexualized – or seen as sexual objects existing only to abuse. The de-sexualization of disabled women makes me lucky, I guess, not to have experienced some the horrific abuse others have, and I really struggled to recall the times when things said to me might have been sexually loaded. While female friends are wolf-whistled or cat-called at — this has never happened to me. I’m stared at but not in a lustful way.

So what can we do? Where does all this leave us? For starters, we need to listen and believe. We need to create a safe space for women to use their voice without fear.

Sexual HarassmentIf you’ve shared your story, I’m with you. If you haven’t shared but have suffered, I’m with you too. Women are strong. Women are valuable. And our voices will NEVER be silenced… xoxo

[Photos via We Heart It]

An Open Letter to Jerky McJerksters

Jerky McJerkstersEditor’s Note: This Open Letter is the culmination of several experiences I’ve had of late and is inspired by several people. Their names have been omitted for obvious reasons. Instead, I’ll merely refer to them as Jerky McJerksters. I’d say the name is appropriate, would you??

Dear Jerky McJerksters…

My, how quickly times change. Seems like it was only yesterday that I was writing in my journal about how I couldn’t wait for you to notice me, how desperately I wished I didn’t clam up every time I was around you and how I was sure we were soulmates, destined to be together forever. Oh yeah, and there was that sickening journal entry in which I literally listed all the things I could do to get your attention, like get smarter and use big words.

Like I said, it was all very sickening.

Equally sickening? This is the letter I probably should have written years ago. This is everything I’ve wanted to say — and everything I should have said years ago. Both to you and to myself — especially that 15-year-old girl who scribbled furiously in that journal.

The truth is, you may think you’re the smartest person in the world, but you don’t know the first thing about what it means to be kind. You obviously have zero regards for people’s feelings.

Let’s face it: The only times you’ve ever really interacted with me have been to show off, especially this summer. You seemed to love enlightening me on all the worldly things I obviously knew absolutely nothing about. Heck, you might even have been the original Mansplainer! But when the tables turned and I voiced an opinion? Oh, you didn’t take too well to that. At all. I guess you didn’t like me challenging you…or maybe I intimidated you? Either way, I guess you’re not used to that.

When someone is trying to be the bigger person and comes to you to apologize for any misunderstanding, don’t continue to talk down to her with a condescending attitude. Don’t try and keep “schooling” her on everything you think she doesn’t know.

Do I sound angry? I was at first — very angry and floored and just plain confused. And then I did what I always do and took a trip down the Reflection Highway. What did I find? Well, for one, maybe part of me is just really angry at myself. My gosh, did I really spend years pining after someone who wasn’t worth it in the end? All that wasted time and energy. Gone.

The reality never measured up to that fantasy I’d created in my head, and it never world. That fairy tale was just plain old fiction.

So good luck to you. I hope you’re very happy with yourself. Have fun with your life and all those big words. I’m sure you two will be very happy together.

And here’s a little life tip for you: It’s not that hard to be a decent human being. So, for heaven’s sake, just be one!

[Photo via We Heart It]