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Monday, December 5, 2011

MEMO TO MEN: Virginity true or false

TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: Virginity myths
DATE: December 5, 2011
Boys, Madonna sang about it. Steve Carell poked fun at it. And there’s an alcoholic drink named after it. And yet, I can almost guarantee you that everything you think you know about it is wrong. Completely wrong. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that nearly everything you’ve ever been told about The Big V is utterly and blatantly false. It’s quite sad, really, those myths that tend to take on a life of their own after years of being recounted and recounted. But that’s just what they are…myths. And, boys, if I’m sure of anything, it’s that myths, like rules, are meant to be broken. So let’s crack open this virgin myth nonsense, shall we, boys? I give you the Top 3 Myths About Virgins…

You think your virgin radar is spot-on
You think you’ve got the perfect description of a virgin in your head, don’t you? After all, she (or he) is obviously easy to spot. So, who exactly is she, boys? The girl with the big glasses who you see on the train every morning and who has yet to look up from her book? Your prude of a co-worker? I’m sorry to disappoint, boys, but sometimes, virgin-spotting isn’t like bird watching where you whip out your binoculars and can easily spot them from hundreds of feet away. It’s just not that easy. And contrary to popular belief, we don’t wear name tags, either.

We’re choosing to be virgins for religious reasons
Of course, religion and virginity go hand-in-hand for some people, and I fully respect that. But, that doesn’t apply to everyone. It certainly doesn’t apply to me. In fact, religion never even factored into my choice. The lesson here, boys: Don’t assume you know the reason someone’s a virgin.

Women, after a certain age, are ashamed of being a virgin and need help
A woman in her early ’30s wrote to Glamour over the summer, wondering if she was too old to be a virgin. I often wonder why that’s something women would be ashamed of. Society tells us that if you haven’t, umm, taken to the bedroom by a certain age, then there’s something wrong with you. But not all women (and especially not this woman) feed into that, boys. Not every woman hide her head in shame at the mere uttering of the word virgin. Some women (especially this woman) are surprisingly comfortable and secure in who they are.
I know you probably think virgins are some crazy creatures, but I assure you that we aren’t a species you should live in fear of. We’re actually a lot like you, except for, well, the whole between-the-sheets shenanigans. In fact, you probably won’t even be able to pick us out of a crowd.

So what do you think of virgins, boys? Are you intimidated? Confused? Don’t care? I’d love to hear your thoughts… xoxo

[Photos via Le Love]

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24 Comments Filed Under: Dating, Love Lessons, marriage, Memo To Men, Uncategorized, virginity, Weddings

Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Virgin Diaries: Will you be watching?

Have you guys heard about the new TLC special The Virgin Diaries? The show, premiering Sunday, follows a group of adult virgins and offers a peek inside their lives, including the challenges and anticipations associated with losing their virginity.

“Losing one’s virginity is a big life decision. A lot of stories about later in life virgins talk about it like a problem,” TLC’s west coast vice president of production, Timothy Kuryak, told ABCNews.com. “We want to show that this is something that can be celebrated.”

And yet, I can’t help but feel like this show just screams exploitation, even just by looking at the trailer. I’m interested to see how they handle this topic, so expect a post or two next week on that very taboo topic of virginity.

In the meantime, what about you, friends? Will you be watching? Does the show sound like one giant exploitation to you? xoxo

P.S. More virginity talk.

[First photo via We Heart It]

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14 Comments Filed Under: Entertainment and Media, Love Lessons, Uncategorized, virginity

Monday, September 14, 2009

MEMO TO MEN: I’m An Educated Virgin.

MEMORANDUM
TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: The Education of A Virgin
DATE: September 14, 2009


I’m not so sure the good administrators at my dear old high school were the brightest bulbs in the box? Why? They made me take Driver’s Ed when I was a sophomore in high school even though I would never drive. So I learned about roads and speed limits and construction-ahead signs in theory, spending my nights pouring over a textbook full of charts and diagrams.
Now, I know exactly what you’re thinking. What could this driver’s ed class talk possibly have to do with my virginity? Quite, a lot, actually. More than you silly boys might even think at first.

You see, the only difference between my classmates and myself in those Student Driver cars? They got to drive the car. I didn’t. They got to push the peddle to the metal. I didn’t. I don’t think that’s much of a difference, do you?

I knew the nuts and bolts of it; I knew those rules inside and out. And lest you think I’m sitting in a dark corner wearing a dunce cap, I know plenty about what goes on between the sheets. See, there’s this misconception that virgins are truly virgins. They don’t know anything. They don’t ever think about it. They’re completely clueless, and to play off our lovely car metaphor, they never even think of opening the hood to see what all the fuss is about under there.

And, thankfully, other people know it too. Take Jane Austen, for example, who died at age 41 — and a virgin. Doesn’t this book, Jane Austen’s Guide To Dating, look lovely?

That woman was sharp as a whip. Think virgins don’t know anything? She wrote some of the greatest love stories ever. Mr. Darcy, anyone? Yep, I’ve always had a huge crush on him too.

Check out some great Jane Austen inspiration…she knew what she was talking about, didn’t she?

It’s smart to show a man that you are interested in him, provided that your enthusiasm is in equal proportion to his.

Showing someone you like him is a good thing, as long as you’re getting from him at least as much as you’re giving.

With men he can be rational and unaffected, but when he has ladies to please, every feature works.

If you play with men’s feelings, you will sabotage the possibility of forming a good relationship.

Fall for someone who has the same values and goals as you do.

So, see? Don’t assume that just because we’ve never romped between the sheets means we don’t know how or want to…someday.


I’m sorry, boys, that you’ve been misinformed. Because, while us virgins obviously have never experienced certain things, that in no way means that we’re not educated, that we don’t know everything you know; heck, I might even know more. I’m sure I know a lot more than you think I do. And, of course, remember: It’s ALWAYS the quiet, silent ones you have to worry about. Those are the people you’d least suspect to know anything, but they just might end up knowing the most.

And just so we’re all clear, boys: You won’t be privy to just how much I actually do know until we’ve got that marriage license in hand and you’ve signed on the dotted line of the pre-nup. Don’t worry…I’ll have the pre-nup and a flashy pen on hand. I’m not the sort of girl who takes chances, remember?


[Photos via Le Love and We Heart It]

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24 Comments Filed Under: Love Lessons, Memo To Men, Uncategorized, virginity

Friday, January 2, 2009

The Virgin Monologues

I was what you’d call a late bloomer, and, as some may say, I’m still blooming.

At 27, I stoically stand on the outskirts of my twentysomething peers: I am still a virgin. Maybe even more earth-shattering: I plan to stay one until the day (or I suppose, night) I get married.

This is the sort of admission that elicits firm convictions from both sides of the emotional fence. Some react with awe, others with confusion and still others with a look of pity.

And let’s not forget the list of questions. Though no one has ever uttered these questions directly to me, I’m sure they’re the same across the board:

“Wow, how can you have such willpower?”
“It must be because of your physical disability, right?”
“Please don’t tell me you’re going to try and convert me, okay?”
“You mean you’re a virgin? Like a ‘virgin’ virgin?”

Go ahead. It’s okay. I’ve seen the glares before, from people who are astonished at my sheer ‘willpower’ (I’ve never even thought about it like that) to people who assume that my physical disability must have something to do with my aversion to between-the-sheets fun (It doesn’t) to even people who wonder if I have a countdown to V-Day (I don’t) or if I have an unnatural attachment to Steve Carrell’s character in The 40-Year-Old Virgin (honestly, I’ve never even seen the movie).

In fact, my choice has nothing to do with any of the above. The nail in the coffin that sealed my fate came, ironically, from the place I least expected.

MORE JUICE AFTER THE JUMP…

xoxo,
Mel

I’ve always been shy about sex. In our sex-obsessed world, this makes me somewhat of an outsider. Sex does sell, after all. We see sex subtly being advertised on billboards, in Herbal Essence commercials and in those annoying Internet pop-up ads promising you a good time if only you click.
But what about the rest of us? What about the silent minority who DO want to have sex, just not RIGHT NOW?

A life like mine, where I haven’t had a one-night stand and have accepted the fact that for the conceivable future there will be no need for me to buy a king-sized bed or a pack of condoms (do condoms even come in packs?), isn’t part of the discussion. The topic usually never even comes up. I’ve found people just assume that at my age, I’ve “done the deed” and am just being modest. Yet I carry my virginity, invisibly, around with me like some people carry condoms or tampons in their purse. I guess I like the security of it; I feel like it’ll always be there when I need it.

The point: Not liking, thinking, feeling, wanting sex all the time is considered unbalanced. Not having sex is one thing, but not wanting to have lots of it is virtually abnormal.

So why am I a virgin, you ask? I’ve never gone as far as wear a purity ring or fill out a virginity vow card because, quite frankly, I’ve never wanted to make something that I feel is a very private decision open to public knowledge. Whenever I’ve tried to express my decision, I rattle off the laundry list of how I respect myself and my body, how I want the first time to be a magical fairytale with my Soul Mate, how said Soul Mate will of course respect and love me enough to wait.

It’s not because I am religious. Most people would consider me a heathen, in fact. I didn’t start going to church until I was 14 and my parents dragged my sister and me to a local Unitarian Universalist church. My mother grew up a strict Methodist, and apparently she wanted us to have the same experiences she did, only a more liberal, open-minded, self-journey one. It didn’t work because I’ve moved as far away from any religion as I can. I’m not a virgin because God or the Bible tells me it’s a sin – why would God deprive people of what some consider an animal instinct?

It’s not because I’m a prude who has dreams of forsaking life on the outside in favor of a nunnery. I’m not as naïve as all that. I know the basics – what parts are involved, what each part does and the importance of safety first. In fact, I learned most of the ins and outs of sex from that health class and magazines like Glamour and Cosmo. By the time I was 13, I’d check out Glamours by the handful and lock myself in my bedroom for hours, pouring over every article and diagram; it was my own private life and love lesson.

It’s not because I’m trying to make a social or political statement. Never once have I ever thought that having sex meant giving in to the ‘man’ or throwing your feminism out the window with your bra. In all honesty, I always assumed that I would have a traditional life: white-picket fence, cookies (and maybe a bun) in the oven and certainly would have gone through the whole sex/first-time thing before I walked down the aisle.

It’s not even because I suffered family trauma as a child that has left me jaded and mistrustful of people, especially men. My parents were young lovers who met in college and never searched again. They were married for 25 years and had more good times than bad. Same thing with my extended family, with no bitter divorces or custody battles to speak of.

I could say I chose to remain a virgin for all those reasons – my love of God, my lack of a picture-perfect couple – but truthfully, like many things in life, my “aha” moment came in the form of a story, a story that, instead of showing me how I wanted my “first” time to be, showed me how I didn’t want it to be.

The scene should have been beautiful, magical, with roses and candles and in a room filled with ‘80s soft rock ballads. But it wasn’t, and I took the lesson to heart. I knew those weren’t the memories I wanted to remember about my first time when I’m an 80-year-old woman.

The bottom line is that it’s made me more cautious, and now, it’s all about me – not about God or what other people do or what other people say I should do.

For me, sex has never been mutually exclusive with love. That love can be something much grander than passionate love making, I suppose, sealed my choice. And that’s just what it is: my choice. Maybe he’ll come some day; maybe not. But I’ll always be able to count on that choice – and it won’t leave me disappointed come sunrise!

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4 Comments Filed Under: Dating, Disability, Life, Love Lessons, Singlehood, Uncategorized, virginity

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

It’s Time To Leave The Virgins Alone

Remember the good old days when we spent hours speculating on whether Britney and Christina and Jessica had, you know, done a certain something with a gentleman?

Now, years later, our time and attention has focused on the likes of Miley, Lindsay and other young starlets! Miley? Really? I don’t know about you, but at 16, I still had my collection of Barbie Dolls under my bed; I was so admittedly shy that I didn’t want to talk about anything feminine, let alone the big, bad subject of s-e-x.

Hilary Duff is the newest star to defend herself, and I for one have to applaud her. Apparently, the poor girl claims she was misquoted in ELLE when the magazine said she was, indeed, still a virgin.

“You know what? I was quoted saying I was a virgin, but I absolutely did not say that,” Duff reveals. “”That’s nobody’s business but my own. Somehow it turned into a bad thing!”

YOU GO, MS. DUFF! You are absolutely right. It IS no one’s business. I am tired everyone and their brother speculating so publicly on a topic that should be a very private one for a woman. Leave us women some dignity, please. It’s very rare that we speculate if, say, Zac Efron, or vampy Robert Pattinson, has done the deed. So why the double standard? Oh, that’s right, because women are expected to be prim and proper and always remain in their place. What is this, the age of AMC’s Mad Men? I thought we had advanced farther on the evolutionary scale. It’s quite sad, actually. But Kudos to you, Hilary!

xoxo,
Mel

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1 Comment Filed Under: Entertainment and Media, Love Lessons, Shame on you, Uncategorized, virginity

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So About What I Said is a daily blog that covers relationships, disabilities, lifestyle and pop culture. I love to laugh and have been known to overshare. I also have an unabashed obsession with pop music, polo shirts, and PEZ dispensers. Read more...

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