I suppose I don’t have much to say today. This last week has been harder than the last, if you can believe it. I’ve had crying spells every single day. The tears just flow endlessly, and I can’t seem to stop them. I still can’t think, and that’s one thing that leads to my tears. Plus, my fears seem so powerful right now, as if they’re zapping all the energy out of me. I’m scared of everything. The future. What my depression is doing to my family. How I’m ever going to come out of this. If I’m ever going to stop all this crying. Because I know the crying gets me nowhere, and yet I can’t seem to stop. I used to be so strong, and now I just feel weak. I know I need to find the strength deep down inside that the depression has buried. I just don’t feel very strong right now. And I HATE this!!!

Thanks for listening, friends. xoxo

[Photo via dreaming]

It seems like my fears have been multiplying this week, friends. And these fears are making me feel paralyzed. I’ve been trying to push these thoughts out of my head like a balloon, but they always seem to return, stronger and more powerful than ever. The thing is, I don’t know how to shut my mind off. My brain seems to be locked in high gear, and I can’t slow it down. I still can’t seem to concentrate on much, and this scares me. I’m also still having trouble writing – how can something that used to come so natural to me suddenly seem like an impossible task?

It’s also so hard to put my feelings into words. The only way I know how to describe it right now is that I can’t think. My mind seems even more foggy, and one of my biggest fears is that the fog is never going to lift. My mind used to be so clear, and now it’s just all muddled. I just keep saying how much I want my life back – all the joy and happiness that I used to know and love. I know healing from depression takes time, and maybe I’m being impatient. I tend to get like that sometimes. I want things to come instantaneously, but with depression, I’m realizing that’s not going to happen. But isn’t it natural to want to get rid of feelings that are so foreign to you as quickly and swiftly as possible?

Thanks for listening this week, friends.

[Photo via We Heart It]

Good afternoon, friends. How are you doing today? It’s been another tough week for me. I actually cried a lot this weekend for the first time in quite awhile. I called the doctor last week, and he increased my antidepressant. This depression struggle is taking it all out of me. I can’t think. I’m confused all the time. I can barely write anymore. I feel like everything in my world is changing, and I can’t seem to make anything right again.
It wouldn’t be so bad if I could at least think, but my mind is so foggy. I can’t remember anything, and things that once came easily to me are a struggle now. Do you remember how I used to say that I never in a million years wanted to be normal? Well, for the first time, I find myself wanting just that. To be normal. To not be scared and afraid and worried and sad every single day. I’m trying to find the answers to all these questions, but I can’t seem to find them anywhere.

[Photos via Audrey Hepburn Complex]

I’ve had a tough time of it these past few days. I’ve been feeling more depressed and more anxious, and for the life of me, I can’t figure out why. My thinking is still foggy too, which has been frustrating, to say the least. I feel like my mind isn’t even working sometimes. It’s so easy to say, “Oh, it’s just the depression,” but it’s quite another to feel it in your heart and actually believe it. My heart just doesn’t seem to want to catch up to my head for some reason.

I’m scared, actually. I’m scared the depression is going to take hold again and pull me down. I’m scared I’m never again going to be the person I used to be. I’ve lost interest in so many hobbies and activities that I once enjoyed, and that in itself scares me to no end. Will I ever like those things again? It’s like everything I’ve ever known has been thrown upside, and nothing ever seems to make sense. I just want to scream to the depression, “Give me my life back,” and magically have everything right with the world again.

Thanks for listening today, friends! xoxo

[Photo via Just Be Splendid]

In thinking back over the last week, I’m honestly not sure how I feel about it. It’s strange – and I’ve probably mentioned this before – because my mom and sister both have said they notice that I’m slowly getting better. And yet, I still feel like I don’t see it or even feel it. It’s like I’m waiting for this grand, cosmic moment where everything is suddenly going to click and make sense again. It’s probably not like that, is it? It’s not like in the movies where the main character has a life-changing epiphany and suddenly understands everything. It’s not like a sitcom where the problems are neatly resolved in 22 minutes.

And yet we all hope for that, don’t we? We all hope that this path we’re on leads us to those sorts of moments – those moments of clarity where all is right with the world. I wrote in my journal yesterday that all I want is to be happy. The way I used to be. And that’s what it boils down to, I suppose. A happy day is what I’m striving for right now. Or, at the very least, a day where my head isn’t so weighed down with worries.
I’ve also been thinking about my disability a lot, probably fueled in part by the depression. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of self-confidence when it comes to issues surrounding my disability. I see my peers immersed in their jobs, getting married and having kids, and I can’t help but feel out of place. They all have lives of their own and I feel so lost in the world. Where is my place? Why haven’t I checked these items off my life list yet? I know, I know. There’s really no set milestones that apply to everyone. If that’s so, then why do I feel so far behind everyone else? Maybe I’m coming to terms with my disability and what that is going to mean for my life.

Do these sorts of questions ever run through your mind, friends? Thanks for listening. xoxo

[Photos via Audrey Hepburn Complex]