What We’re Missing About Joe Biden and Consent

Joe BidenWhy are people so quick to give Joe Biden a pass for making women uncomfortable?

This is the question I’ve been asking myself for the last week. Ever since Lucy Flores wrote an essay for The Cut detailing how an interaction with the former vice president at a campaign rally in 2014 left her feeling “shocked” and “confused.” Since then, a handful of other women have come forward with their own experiences of Biden’s inappropriate behavior, and one thing should be very, very clear: His behavior is not OK.

But that’s not what I’m seeing. In fact, I’m seeing the opposite, on everything from TV talk show hosts to social media comments. Instead of a swift denouncing of Biden’s behavior, I’ve heard people say things like “That’s how it was in his generation” and, far more damaging “Well, it’s not anything like what the president (Trump) has done.”

And all the while, I can’t help but think that these types of statements are completely missing the point, especially in light of the fact that Joe Biden still tops the list of 2020 Democratic candidates. It doesn’t matter how severe or not severe people think his actions were. What other politicians have or haven’t done is irrelevant. The point is, she said he made her uncomfortable.

Saying things like “he’s touchy-feely with everyone” doesn’t somehow make it OK. His actions were unwelcome and inappropriate. Period. There’s not a hierarchy when it comes to unwanted advances and crossing personal boundaries; there’s not a minimum number of boxes that must be check before someone coming forward should be taken seriously. To say that the women accusing Biden “didn’t have it as bad” as other victims of sexual assault is both minimizing their experiences and invalidating their feelings.

In her essay, Flores even says that her fear that what happened to her wasn’t severe enough was part of the reason why she didn’t plan on telling anyone: “Is it enough of a transgression if a man touches and kisses you without consent, but doesn’t rise to the level of what most people consider sexual assault?”

This is no way to think of victims. What we should be doing, instead, is listening to them. Without judgment. Without blame. And, most importantly, WITH empathy and understanding. We also can’t fall into the trap of absolving Joe Biden just because he’s “on our side.” That, too, misses the mark and does a grave disservice to the entire #MeToo movement.

Joe BidenBiden released a video responding to the allegations, saying, “Social norms are changing. I understand that, and I’ve heard what these women are saying. Politics to me has always been about making connections, but I will be more mindful about respecting personal space in the future. That’s my responsibility and I will meet it.”

At no point in the two-minute video did he say “I’m sorry” or even “I was wrong.” Not. Once. While an apology wouldn’t change what happened, at least it would show that Biden does regret his actions, which, right now, it doesn’t appear that he does. And, frankly, an apology without the word “sorry” isn’t really an apology at all, is it?

Allure wellness editor Rosemary Donahue echoed so much of what I’m thinking in her recent op-ed for the site. She rightfully pushes back on the idea that, no, social norms are not JUST NOW changing…

“The idea that boundaries are only just now a thing of importance, that consent is a generational thing and that personal space is ‘more important than it’s ever been,’ is ludicrous. It’s just that now, people like him — people in positions of power — may finally face consequences when they fail to respect the personal space of those who are not as powerful…I also believe his statement was sorely lacking. Yes, it’s crucial to understand that boundaries are important, and it’s good he’s decided to start listening. But boundaries and personal space have always been important…”

So, again, I ask the one question I’ve asked before: Where do we go from here? For one, we start listening and holding men accountable for their actions — both Democrats and Republicans alike. What else would you add, friends? xoxo

[Top photo by Pete Marovich for The New York Times. Bottom photo via Unsplash]

What Adam Levine and His Super Bowl Performance Says About Women’s Bodies

Adam LevineSo about Adam Levine and that shirtless, tattooed-torso Super Bowl performance of his last weekend. I. Just. Can’t. And I’m not just talking about that giant “California” tattoo scrawled across his stomach! It’s just more than I can, well, stomach.

After watching the Super Bowl Halftime Show, I reacted like lots of people on social media: shocked (but not surprised) at double standards yet again. Here was the uber, excessively confident Maroon 5 rocker, loud and proud in front of thousands, singing his band’s greatest hits. Just when you think things are winding down, BAM! He rips his shirt off and flaunts himself across the stage like he was auditioning to be the next Magic Mike. It was sure a sight, trust me.

Some people were losing it over their love of Adam’s tats and six-pack abs, seemingly forgetting about the Super Bowl halftime show in 2004 that saw Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake embroiled in controversy following a “wardrobe malfunction” that accidentally exposed Jackson’s breast. Well, it was mostly just Jackson who bared the brunt of criticism since Timberlake pretty much escaped unscathed.

Did I mention that said wardrobe malfunction wasn’t even Jackson’s fault? That didn’t stop people from shaming and shunning her for YEARS. Ooooh AND?!?!? The kicker is that Jackson’s gaffe even earned its own name: Nipplegate.

So, let me make sure I’m understanding this nonsense correctly: Levine gets photo galleries dedicated to his nakedness, but Jackson is made to wear the Scarlet Letter and blacklisted in the industry. Hmmm, OK, sadly, that sounds about right, but I sure wish we were farther along as a society in 2019. Have we not even progressed or grown that much?

Adam LevinePeople were so offended over over Nipplegate. Apparently a woman’s body is a crime on par with Watergate. Apparently, a woman’s body is something shameful, something that can’t be shown and must remain hidden at all times. This attitude only reinforces dangerous and sexist stereotypes, as well as send the message to young women that they can’t have the same type of body positivity as men do. If they do, they’ll be criticized and shamed for it.

I mean, the fact that the whole thing sparked a name in the first place is unbelievable. Back in 2004, memes didn’t really exist, but can you imagine the types of memes people would make about Jackson if this had happened today? They’d be ruthless! Instead, they’re out here praising Adam Levine…

What are your thoughts on the Adam Levine Super Bowl performance controversy? Do you think we’ve made any strides toward bridging the double standard gap, friends? xoxo

The Dangers of Giving Teens Like Nick Sandmann the “Benefit of the Doubt”

Nick SandmannLike many people, I sat in horror as I watched the footage on the news. Wearing MAGA hats and chanting racist things, Nick Sandmann and a group of his classmates from Kentucky’s Covington Catholic High School stood face-to-face with Nathan Phillips, a Native American and Vietnam Vet participating in the Indigenous Peoples March in Washington D.C. The looks on the teens’ faces, particularly the face of Sandmann, sent a clear message of their intention: They were there to taunt, menace and intimidate.

The footage couldn’t have been clearer; it was all there, evidence of their racist and abhorrent behavior. Their voices. Their body language. Their smirk. There was virtually no interpretation or clarification needed. Like I said, the footage spoke for itself.

And yet, as I scanned social media in the days following the incident, people seemed to tell a very different and dangerous story. I saw people whose first reaction was not one of anger, but one of apprehension. They wanted to wait to see the full story, as if somehow, white teens wearing MAGA hats would magically become non-threatening and not racist.

They were so quick to give Nick Sandmann and his classmates the benefit of the doubt that they failed to see just how dangerous this reaction is — and what it continues to say about white privilege and the kind of future we’re all but ensuring if we don’t change course.

People being harassed for peacefully protesting and assembling has happened before. Sandmann didn’t say anything as he stood in front of Phillips. But then again, he didn’t have to. His smirk said it all. It was a smirk we’ve all seen before in those now-infamous photos from the Civil Rights Movement, where white men hovered over Black protesters during lunch counter sit-ins, where white passengers tried to intimidate Black riders on buses and where white students sneered as Black students took the first steps to desegregate high schools.

We like to think that we’ve come so far when it comes to equality, but Nick Sandmann shows us just how differently white and Black boys are judged by the public. Just think of Trayvon Martin. Unlike Sandmann, teens of color don’t have the luxury of going on apology tours; they don’t get the opportunity to go on the TODAY Show and tell their side of the story. For the public, there is no time to “wait and see” – these teens are judged and sentenced by the time they’re trending on Twitter.

Do we want this to be our future too? What sort of society are we destined to become when we let white teenage boys skate through life, seemingly able to do — and get away with — whatever they want? We’re setting the framework for a generation that thinks the world owes them, that they will never face consequences for their actions and that they can coast by on their white privilege alone.

Nick SandmannIn essence, we’re paving the way for the future Donald Trumps and Brett Kavanaughs. They become men who shut down the government when they don’t get their way and the men who don’t understand the word “no” because it’s a word they’ve never heard before. They’re the boys who become men who are white supremacists — the kind that viciously attacked me on Twitter last week when I simply suggested that we hold Sandmann and his classmates accountable.

Where we are now is not the future I want to be a part of. We need to teach these teens accountability so they can become men who don’t deflect their behavior and blame others for their actions. We need to teach them respect and demand that they be decent human beings. That’s not asking too much.

As a culture, we’re arriving at a point of reckoning. There’s no room for explaining away blatantly racist behavior, and we can’t continue to keep making space for hate. These teens knew exactly what they were doing. Isn’t it time we held them — and all white teen boys — accountable?

As my friend Nayomi Munaweera, a writer from California, put it: “White kids in MAGA hats get the benefit of the doubt. Meanwhile black kids walking to the store to get candy, black kids at the train station, black kids listening to music, black kids just being human do not get the benefit of the doubt. The difference between these two is the difference between life and death.”

Indeed. The behavior of Nick Sandmann and his classmates isn’t just a tale of teens behaving badly. It’s a sad story of white privilege that is threaded through our history. We can — and need — to do better. For us and for future generations… xoxo

[Bottom photo via Unsplash]

Why I’m Not Supporting This Year’s Women’s March

Women's MarchA few days ago, I was enjoying my after-dinner episode of The View, which has become one of my favorite nighttime rituals. But on this particular night, my heart sank as I watched the interview with Women’s March co-presidents Tamika Mallory and Bob Bland. By the time the interview was over, I was left with one thought: This is something I can no longer support.

The Women’s March has come under fire for being less than inclusive when it comes to disabilities, but both Mallory and Bland’s non-apology apology and refusal to condemn Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan for his history of anti-Semitic and homophobic rhetoric is downright dangerous and beyond forgivable; Mallory even overtly praised the leader on Instagram recently, calling him the “Greatest of All Time.”

Despite push-back from The View co-hosts, neither woman from the Women’s March would say outright that they condemn.

“What I will say to you is that I don’t agree with many of Minister Farrakhan’s statements,” Mallory said.

This statement is, quite simply, not enough. Not agreeing with Farrakhan’s words is not the same as condemning him. It’s saying that, yes, you still support him, and this is complicity. You are who you surround yourself with and the Women’s March has no right to call itself an inclusive organization while simultaneously endorsing hate and bigotry.

With the third Women’s March set for this weekend, Mallory’s words are having some negative consequences. Both the DNC and Southern Poverty Law Center have cut ties and will not be a part of the march.

There’s no picking and choosing here. You can’t choose to embrace some parts of someone and cast aside other parts as if they don’t exist. And it’s incredibly toxic and reprehensible when the parts you ignore are actually harming people. We’ve fought so hard and come too far to settle for “Well, he’s said some very problematic things, but he’s helped people, so it’s all OK.”

No, no, no! It’s most definitely not OK. Because the minute we choose to look the other way, we’re setting a very dangerous and slippery precedent. What if, little by little, we keep extending the boundaries of what is acceptable and what we’re willing to overlook? How far are we willing to go until we stop and say “Hold on! This is not right!”

My hope is that the Women’s March gets itself back on track and finds its way. It hurts my heart that something meant to be a beacon of hope, meant to uplift women, meant to be a powerful statement of resistance, could become so damaging to the very people it’s supposed to be championing.

Women's MarchI really love the way my writer friend Dorri, who has attended the Women’s March in the past, explained it…

“It’s like people saying, ‘I don’t like immigrant children being separated from their parents’ and then vote for the Republicans who are making that happen. You cannot separate Farrakhan from anti-Semitism.

I was so happy at the Women’s March. I felt like we were fighting to right the wrongs. I thought of Gloria Steinem and MLK and all of the people throughout history who have fought hard for change. But it’s so crushing that one of the Women’s March founders doesn’t see that it is despicable to be friends with an anti-Semite. It’s just more hate. I thought the Women’s March was full of good people — and it was. But I cannot align myself with them anymore because of this issue. I cannot say, ‘Well, I don’t like Anti-Semitism, but I like the Women’s March.’ Just doesn’t work for me.”

Sometimes, it’s your silence that speaks the loudest. And what the women of the Women’s March don’t say tells me all I need to know. Because in the end, aligning yourself with him IS endorsing his hate. There is absolutely no way to separate the two. That sets us all back. That makes us all lose. And that is incredibly sad and disappointing…

[Top photo by Bryan Woolston for Reuters; Illustration via Join the Uproar]

Gillette Asks Men to Challenge Toxic Masculinity and We Need It

GilletteOoooh, it’s time to do some praising, friends!!! Have you seen this wonderful ad?? The famed razor brand Gillette asks men to challenge toxic masculinity and let me just say. It’s. About. Time. Because. We. Desperately. Need. It.

The video, which went live yesterday, sees the company put a socially conscious spin on its classic tagline (“The best a man can get“) by asking, “Is this the best a man can get?” It also shows a montage of various situations as examples of how men can have a positive impact instead of contributing to this dangerous culture of toxic masculinity. There are scenes about catcalling, scenes about mansplaining, scenes about aggression and — my favorite — a scene at the end that showed a father holding his young daughter and teaching her positive affirmations about herself.

In less than two minutes, Gillette was able to make a powerful statement and showed the world something so many of us have been saying for awhile: Men need to step up. Men need to DO BETTER.

Sadly, the video received its share of criticism, mostly from (surprise, surprise) MRA types who see any sort of call to action as a gut-punch condemnation. That is, they see it as a brutal attack that’s just not fair!

Here’s how the conversation usually goes when men are called out for their bad behavior…

Men: Women are overly emotional and triggered by every little thing!

Also men: Arghhhh, that Gillette ad is horrible!! It’s not fair!

Seriously, men, if you feel so threatened and enraged by an ad asking you to simply be a decent human being, maybe you’re the problem. Maybe it’s time you look in the mirror and ask yourself “What can I do to make my space better? How can I be part of the solution?”

We’re not asking men to move mountains. We’re not asking men to cure cancer. Heck, we’re not even asking men to bring about world peace. We’re merely asking you to commit to common decency and pledge to help more than harm. Men shouldn’t respond by getting angry. They should respond by joining women (and other men) who have been fighting the good fight for generations.

After all, that’s not asking too much, is it? The video ends with these thought-provoking words: “Because the boys watching today will be the men of tomorrow.”

Indeed, the next generation is watching, modeling, absorbing all these messages about what it means to “be a man.” Don’t we want to show them all the good things men can be?? Let’s get started, OK…?? At the very least, men out there, you can start with “I’m sorry…“

P.S. In the #MeToo Era: Where Have All the Good Men Gone?