MEMO TO MEN: The Heart-Pumping Paradox

MEMORANDUM
TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: Awkward as a teenager
DATE: April 18th, 2016

Boys, I think I’ve realized something: Although I appear rather mysterious, where I don’t exactly tell you straight-up how I feel about you, if you look really closely, all the signs are probably there.

Translation: My body language will give me away. Every. Single. Time.

No, I’m not talking about that sort of body language! After all, I am a prude, remember? I’m talking about those nonverbal cues — you know, lots of fidgeting, visibly sweaty palms, an awkward stutter, that general deer-in-the-headlights look as if I have no idea what I’m doing (which, by the way, I probably don’t). If you want to know how I’m feeling, these signs will definitely tell you. And by “how I feel,” I’m talking about the I-think-I-may-like-you kind since, obviously, those are the ones that are so hard for me to give voice to, if you know what I mean.

I’ve unofficially dubbed this trend The Heart-Pumping Paradox. Now, put your thinking caps on when I try to explain this. How I act around you is inversely proportional to how I feel about you. That is, the more I like you, the more I morph into a silent, awkward, blubbering person who can barely keep it together. So if we’re chitchatting, say, and you notice that I’m having a bit of trouble stringing a simple sentence together, then I probably like you a lot. If I don’t know where to put my hands as you’re telling me about your weekend, then I probably like you a lot. If you ask me a question and I just stand there giving you a blank stare, then I probably like you a lot.

Weird, right??

I suppose now would be a good time to note that the above description of my new syndrome DOES NOT apply to our exchanges/interactions over texts, email and social media. Over those mediums, I’m positively enchanting, easily seducing you with my charms because, well, I’m just that irresistible. It must have something to do with the fact that I’ve always been better with the written word than thinking on my feet. Trying to come up with something clever and witty to say has never been a skill of mine. But give me a day or so to respond to an email? You’ll be so enthralled with me that you’ll see stars. I promise.

Although, I doubt I’m the only one who suffers from this affliction. Maybe you’ve noticed it a time or two in your own life. I’m starting to see that it’s not a very good cover-up in the long-run. I mean, trying with all my might to conceal my feelings actually gives them away in the end. In making it look like I don’t like you, I’m pretty much just sealing my fate, aren’t I? You might not even catch on, but before long, I start to feel like I’m wearing a giant bulls-eye around my neck that says, “Step right up, step right up! Come take a look at the girl who is soooo obvious in her inner feelings. Look at her trying to hide them…as if she even can!“

So where does that leave me exactly? Well, I don’t really know, but I’m guessing it’s somewhere between “just like everyone else” and “get a grip on yourself, girl.” Maybe I should just try to be upfront with you and tell you how I feel?? Nah, that sounds too easy… xoxo

[Photos via We Heart It]

MEMO TO MEN: 5 Disability Questions To Ask Me

MEMORANDUM
TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: Delving into my disability
DATE: February 29th, 2016

Well, boys, we’ve already spent quite a bit of time asking each other a lot of questions: 5 questions I’m too scared to ask, 3 disability-related questions I’m too scared to ask, 5 first-date questions and 5 questions to NEVER ask a woman with a disability.

See? We’ve covered a lot of ground already.

I know it might seem like a bit of overkill, but make no mistake here: I’m a journalist, remember? I live and die by my overdeveloped sense of curiosity — for anything, really. The way I see it, asking questions is the most sure-fire way to figure out the world around you, and of course, that includes people — with all of their quirks and bugaboos and eccentricities.

So! All this to say that you might be a little intimidated or overwhelmed by my disability on our first date. I don’t want you to worry or feel bad about this; it’s only a natural feeling, and who knows? Maybe you’ll be more intimidated by my strong personality. I mean, honestly, there’s always that strong possibility.

Either way, I’m sure you’re going to have some questions, and I strongly encourage you to ask away! Don’t be shy now! And if you need some help to get the ball rolling, here are five important questions to get you started…

1. What was it like growing up with a disability?: It might seem a bit weird, but I’m excited to talk about my disability, and this is definitely a good place to start — at the beginning, of course! And get ready because I’ve got some doozy stories to share!

2. What do people not ‘get’ about your disability?: Obviously, I’ve encountered many, many stereotypes over the years. News flash: Most of them are completely UNTRUE! So don’t believe everything you’ve ever heard. Just ask me. I’ll set the record straight.

3. What are some ways your disability DOESN’T affect your life?: At the same time, there are parts of my life that have nothing to do with my disability. Those are such important aspects for me — just as important as my disability itself — and I want you to know and see that I am a regular woman despite it all.

4. What’s surprised you the most?: As you can probably expect, my journey with a disability didn’t come with a road map. There were no highway signs pointing me in the right direction or telling me where to go. I figured out a lot of it as I went along, and, honestly, I think it’s made me a stronger person in the long run.


5. What have you learned about yourself?: We’re all shaped by our past and who we are, whether we’re disabled or not. I’m sure there are many things from your life that have made you into the person you are today. I want to hear all about it. And I want you to hear all about mine.

Bottom line: Although it’s not all of me, my disability is a big part of who I am. To get to know me is also getting to know my disability and what role it’s played in my life. Some people may very well say that I shouldn’t focus on my disability so much, that I’m making it more of an issue than it needs to be and I’ll potentially make someone more intimidated just by talking about it in the first place. What do I think of that? That’s a bunch of hogwash — pardon my language, but that’s the truth.

We’re going to have to talk about these types of things eventually, so why not start now? No pressure. No awkward undertones. No long silences. Just a free-flowing conversation. Are you with me, boys? xoxo

MEMO TO MEN: What’s Up With ‘Lost Boys’?

MEMORANDUM
TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: Feeling oh-so-very ‘lost’
DATE: February 4th, 2016

Let’s talk about the above quote, boys. It’s life, actually. Or, my life sometimes — it really does speak an honest truth.

I often wonder where those Lost Boys come from and what exactly has happened in their life to make them the way they are. I mean, is there some sort of factory that just keeps churning them out by the generation full? Is there a mold that said factory uses to ensure that each one is the same?

As you can probably tell, it’s pretty hard for me to wrap my head around the entire concept. But what’s even harder for me to come to terms with is my apparent weakness when it comes to these boys. OK, let me just be perfectly clear here: I’m seemingly unable to resist falling for these types. I know it’s wrong. I know things will just end in heartbreak. I know we’d never be on the same page about anything. And yet, for some weird, mysterious reason, I get it in my head that it will be different with me. Oh, yes, I wholeheartedly believed in that fantasy. I was going to save that Lost Boy and turn him into a Found Man; it was going to be such a beautiful experience that we share together. I was going to get him to finally open up to me, revealing his the self at long last and we were going to live out our days in glorious happiness.

The truth is, though, it’s not different with me. It never is and I should know better — should have learned my lesson by now or something. Because like the quote warns, I don’t want to lose myself in the process. That’s the very last thing I want to do and it’s quite a scary thought, isn’t it? How a reasonably self-assured and independent lady like myself could get so darn caught up in trying to make someone into the person I want them to be. So here’s to breaking bad habits once and for all, boys… xoxo

MEMO TO MEN: On Mixed Messages

MEMORANDUM
TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: Please DON’T say these words ever again!
DATE: December 16th, 2015

Well, boys, today’s topic has weighed heavily on my mind for quite awhile now. And first, as a little disclaimer: Lest you think I have absolutely zero idea of what I’m talking about, I do have first-hand experience with this epidemic. I know of what I speak. Maybe all too well.

Now that we got that PSA out of the way, I found this pic awhile ago and I practically screamed out loud. To myself. Well, more like at the computer, half expecting it to reply back to me.

This picture? It spoke the truth. At least to me, anyway. It seems like there are so many darn mixed messages when it comes to dating. I mean, you meet someone. You get to know them as a person. You realize, I don’t know, that, “Hey, there’s something about this person. I think I like him.” You spend some time wondering what the other person is thinking — OK, maybe a lot of time wondering — and just when you think things might be going somewhere, you find yourself hearing those dreadful words…

“Let’s hang out and see where it goes.“

“We should do lunch.“

You know. Those sorts of words. They kind of leave you reeling, quite honestly. Because where are you supposed to go with them? How are you even supposed to know how to respond? Is it a date?

Are you scared? A tad bit gun shy, perhaps? Is that why you never seem to want to nail anything down definitively? I just don’t know. Maybe this whole tango is nothing more than a bunch of smoke and mirrors — you know, a good way for you to keep your options open.

And, really, it can all be rather hurtful. I mean, look at it from the perspective of the person on the receiving end of such an invitation.

Yes, I know I called this phenomenon an epidemic at the beginning of this post. Sure, that may seem a bit harsh, but I honestly think it applies here. I can see how it can be easy to get caught up in the “easy out” approach, but I highly doubt that it’s very effective in the long run. After all, a direct, to-the-point, say-exactly-what-you-feel guy is incredibly hard to come by these days. Wouldn’t you want to do everything in your power to STAND OUT from the crowd?

So, go ahead, I dare you to change up your language the next time you approach a woman with your date intentions — you don’t even have to be overly saccharin and romantic gesture-y about it, either. Tell her that you’d like to take her out on a date to get to know her better. Be specific about a time and a place. And then? Hopefully, watch those sparks fly! What do you say, boys?? Are you up for it…? xoxo

[Photos via We Heart It]

MEMO TO MEN: Very Sad Statistics (Or, Go Ahead and Ask Me Out)

MEMORANDUM
TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: These facts are pathetic, yo!
DATE: November 11th, 2015

I’ve never been one to get overly surprised by statistics. Curious, sure, but surprised? Yeah, not so much.

And yet, here I am, boys, admitting a first to the world: I stand corrected. Because I discovered a set of statistics that knocked me off my feet, rendering me practically unable to speak — notice the keyword here is ‘practically.’

Anyway, I’m sure I’ve piqued your interest by now, right? What could she possibly be talking about? Just how shocking could it be?

Might I present the findings from Scope, a British disability charity that launched the study as part of its End The Awkward campaign. The main finding, the one that is particularly troubling to me? Only 5 percent of people have ever been on a date with, or asked out, a person with a disability.

REALLY???

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

Now, using my sexy brain, let’s just extrapolate these numbers to the rest of the world. Say there are around 6 billion people in the world, and for the sake of argument, let’s say that half of those are women. So we’d multiply 3 billion X .05 = 150,000,000.

I’ll just be honest: I have absolutely zero idea where those 150,000,000 of you are. Are you hiding in the treetops? Are you in the Witness Protection Program? Have you all turned into robotic drones? How am I supposed to know?

But, really, though, I would love to know where you all are because I’ve feel like I’ve already looked for you in so many places — and it’s a vast and wide galaxy out there.

Maybe I could even sit down with a representative sample? It could even be a very small sample, like, 10 or 20 of you. You know, like those focus groups in the mall where they pluck you from the food court to get your highly-sought-after opinion on the newest fruity drink or ice cream flavor. We could just sit around and chat. Because that’s all I really want. Some sort of reason, some sort of explanation, some sort of answer to the question that always seems to be floating around in my head: “What in the heck are you thinking? How could you not see me? I’m. Right. Here.”

I wouldn’t even be asking in a desperate, clingy way, either. I genuinely want to know because I’ve scratched my head one too many times already trying to figure out this seemingly unsolvable riddle. So maybe you can help me solve it?

And yeah, I know that men are notoriously hard to figure out and that they have trouble relating to women sometimes, but I’m not asking you to take on our whole species. In fact, I’m not even really asking you to “take on me.” I’m just asking — or maybe inviting is a better word — you to notice me as a woman and as a person. I’m right here, and my gosh, I want to get to know you. I really do.

So here’s an idea — something you can do if you need a bit more inspiration or courage…

1. Run to your closet.


2. Put on your Big Boy pants.


3. Push all those disability misconceptions aside.


4. Come up to me and just say, “Hi there.”


5. RELAX and just get to know me. I promise I won’t bite.

Translation: YES, DISABILITIES CAN BE S-E-X-Y!!!! So what do you say, boys? Let’s talk soon, OK? xoxo

[Photos via We Heart It]