My Father’s Suicide: On Revisiting Our Carefree Highway

Carefree HighwayOn Tuesday, my mom shared her wisdom on being a suicide survivor and everything she’s learned over the last 16 years. I still can’t believe that this week, March 10th, marked SIXTEEN YEARS since my father’s death. When I was thinking what to say about it on social media, one clear image immediately came to mind: Our carefree highway.

Let me explain.

I’ve shared this photo before, but it’s a really symbolic one. Here’s my dad on our last carefree family vacation, just 7 months before he died. So many of my favorite family memories were spent driving down the highway on those vacations, listening to oldies or Broadway soundtracks. On the anniversary of his death, I’m humming Gordon Lightfoot‘s “Carefree Highway” and thinking of him…

Carefree highway, let me slip away on you
Carefree highway, you seen better days

We had so many good days together in our little car, watching the landscape and scenery change outside the window, stopping at rest stops and enjoying lunches my mom packed. Life was good in that car. Everything was safe and I knew that as long as we were together, nothing could ever be bad or sad. For that moment in time, everything was right with the world.

Maybe that’s why I was thinking a lot about time this week. Time. It’s a strange, strange thing, isn’t it? March 9th was the night before my life changed forever 16 years ago. I went to bed excited to be on spring break from college. I woke up the next morning and my father was gone. No other moment splits my life into “before” and “after” as sharply; it will always be the dividing line by which I measure things

What I’ve learned over the last 16 years is this: Grief is like a river. Sometimes, it’s still waters. Other times, it’s a raging rapid. Part of the process, I’ve discovered, is learning to swim in both. It can be hard sometimes, trust me, but it is possible. And while my grief may ebb and flow over the years, the memory and love of my father will always be a constant. Maybe somewhere in some alternate universe, we’re traveling down that carefree highway, laughing and singing along to Broadway tunes… xoxo

Motivational Quotes Monday: On Keeping Memories Alive

Happy Monday, friends!! Is it just me or was this weekend’s time change particularly brutal?? I mean, I didn’t even make it to the library today! Maybe I’m also a bit drained from yesterday being the 16th anniversary of my father’s death. While it was a naturally emotional day, we got through it better than we have in the past, so that’s something to be thankful for, isn’t it? My mom and I will each be writing separate posts about it this week, but for today’s motivational quotes, I’d like to chat about the importance of keeping memories alive. I’m always so scared that I’ll forget my father, especially all the little things I loved about him, but having those moments to cling to has been such a comfort over the years. They’re a way to keep him with me, to remember the good times and to remind myself that the future is still full of good memories to be made. To that end, here are five memory-themed quotes to keep those memories flowing…

Memories Memories Memories Memories Memories

🌨️ How We Survived the Great Polar Vortex ❄️

Polar VortexAs Ms. Bear wrote last week, we remained huddled in our house for almost a week straight!!! Now, staying in my house?? You know I never have a problem with that — I could do it all the time if I could! Heck, if staying inside your house was an Olympic event, I’d win the gold medal by a landslide! That’s why last week, it wasn’t having to stay indoors that got to me. No, no. What chilled me to the bone — LITERALLY — was battling the Great Polar Vortex of 2019…

This Polar Vortex was like nothing I’d ever felt or seen before. It was a fierce one, let me tell you! Remember, I do have a history with ye old vortex, but not of the polar variety. When I ventured out to Arizona in 2007, a vortex literally made me sick to my stomach; seriously, the closer we got, the more I had to recline the car seat and actually lie down because I was getting so nauseous! I don’t recommend it!

But this 2019 Polar Vortex? It had me shivering in my boots — or, custom-made shoes, as in my case. The temps dipped below zero for a HIGH and the wind chills sank well into negative double digits. Did I also mention that my mom was off work for FIVE DAYS IN A ROW?!?!?

Like I said, this type of weather seemed unprecedented, even for the Midwest, which has seen its fair share of wild and inclement weather over the years!

The heat? I can handle it. A tornado warning, maybe even with a few sirens mixed in for good measure? Piece of cake! But what I cannot tolerate AT ALL is the cold, bitter wind of the Polar Vortex, and that’s exactly what we were treated to last week. In addition to those winter window cling things, we had to cover the kitchen window with a blanket to keep out the cold and had to wear multiple layers just to play Yahtzee since the kitchen table is right against the windows!

Polar VortexAnd when the temperature was -15 degrees, I had to move my work desk in front of the fireplace, naturally!

Polar Vortex Polar VortexThe next day, I set up my office in my mom’s room, where the cats were the perfect coworkers and Gibbs’ classic, intimidating stare kept me focused.

Plus, I don’t think it was a coincidence that I chose this word in Quiddler. ICER, INDEED…

Have you seen these cool photos of the Polar Vortex in Chicago? When you take away the bitter cold, there’s actually something really beautiful, serene and magical about it all, you know…?

Polar Vortex Polar VortexPolar VortexPolar VortexWere you impacted by the Polar Vortex? Stuck at home for days on end?? What did you do to pass the time?? xoxo

The Wonderful World of Winter, According to Ms. Bear

WinterIt’s no secret around our house that I like the winter. There is a magic in it. I think some of that comes from the feeling of wonder I had as a child when it would snow.

I was in elementary school during the Blizzard of ‘67 and I have a couple vivid memories of it, as well as a couple of lessons learned! I remember my mom telling me there would be no school that day. Being the rather neurotic child that I was, I didn’t believe her. And my mom, never one to be a helicopter parent, told me to go ahead and get dressed in my winter gear and go see for myself.

So, off I set, with my spindly (I was so skinny….there’s a phrase I have never said again since adulthood! LOL) little legs, down the street. Well, I didn’t get anywhere near the school because the streets weren’t plowed and the snow was literally up to my thighs! So, I made my way home and settled in for a snow day!

My second memory/lesson learned about snow was that you have to be careful of it. This was a two-part lesson. First, when my mom was little, their car got stuck up in the UP of Michigan, a not-uncommon occurrence. She got out to help my grandpa push the car and her hand went right through the headlight! So, I have always been super careful about where I push on a stuck car!

WinterThen, there is this great story, which is funny now, but wasn’t at the time. My mom and dad were out shoveling the driveway. My dad had moved the car out when they were working and he went to pull it back in. He saw my mom still in the driveway and gave a shocked look like he couldn’t stop. My mom actually thought he actually couldn’t stop and hurried to get out of the way. Well, you can see where this is going….she tried to move quickly and of course, fell right down! Now, if you didn’t live through that blizzard, you probably can’t imagine a time when you couldn’t go anywhere for days, but that’s just what happened. It turned out she broke her arm!!! Then, later after they had put a splint on her at home, my poor dad went to hug her and tripped right into her arm. I remember my mom swearing….she never did that! Looking back it was so funny, but it took about 3 days for my poor mother to get a cast put on that and for the rest of their lives my dad felt so, so bad! Lesson learned….don’t goof around in a 4,000-pound vehicle!!!

And, speaking of snow days….we have had a record number this year and I am totally enjoying every hour with nothing to do. Sitting by the fireplace (see below…), reading, playing games (of course) and watching NCIS have passed the days nicely. I’m even trying some of the tidying up lessons, thanks to Marie Kondo!

WinterIf you live where there is snow, go outside, watch the flakes fall, see the shimmering of the sun and just take a few minutes to enjoy the beauty of this majestic season. Spring will be here soon enough, so enjoy today and all winter has to offer us!

Happy Birthday, Ms. Bear: Life Lessons From Fake Plants

Happy BirthdayIt’s my absolute favorite person’s birthday today!! Extra special, double sweet HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Ms. Bear!! She’s battling a nasty cold today, but we all know a little virus doesn’t stand a chance against her big spirit!!!

And speaking of her indomitable spirit, it wouldn’t quite be her happy birthday without sharing one of the many life lessons she’s taught me! I’ve been saving these photos for a couple years now, and today is the perfect day to share the story that goes along with them. It’s, obviously, a classic Ms. Bear story, although she is so humble that she’d never admit that!

Anyway, these photos were taken several years ago. We usually keep that fake plant on our staircase that leads to the basement. It’s actually the only fake plant we’ve ever owned; I often wonder why my mom has such an attachment to this particular piece of plastic, but then I remember that we probably got it right after we moved into this house, which was shortly after my father died. A symbol of her grief, perhaps? How the leaves billow and bow, but never fall all the way to the ground? That describes her during the worst of the grief. Hurting, but not broken. Struggling, but still, somehow, surviving.

But, back to these photos. I’ve even forgotten why the plant was in the kitchen — probably because we just had the carpet cleaned. So there’s my mom, fiddling with the leaves. Again. She has a tendency to work her magic and rearrange the leaves when the plant starts to look sad — AKA, a bit on the droopy side.

Happy Birthday“What are you doing?” I asked. “You know we can just buy another plant, right?”

She continued her fiddling and arranging. At this point, her entire body was practically obscured by those green leaves!

“Oh, no! That’s not necessary! This one just needs a little fixing.”

Well, a little fixing she did! A few minutes later, the plant was back to its former glory, sitting in its usual spot on the stairs.

And while it took a little bit for the message to sink in, I finally realized something: That’s exactly what Ms. Bear does. Or, more precisely, what she doesn’t do. She doesn’t give up on people. Ever. Or, in this case, our fake plant. When things look desperate or even impossible, she doesn’t just throw her hands up in the air and say, “Oh, well. That’s that!” She’s never been that type of person. Who is she, then? She’s a helper, a listener, a comforter, a friend, a cheerleader, an adviser, a confidante.

I love her more than anything and am so thankful for her!!! I hope that I can be all those things for her. Whoever is that person to you, make sure you give them a big hug today and tell them just how much you appreciate them! I’m sure they’ll appreciate it! Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to get the birthday girl to SIT DOWN and watch Gibbs — that’s NCIS for those not hip to the show’s characters. Happy birthday, sweet Bear… xoxo