Disability Dish: How one project helped me accept my body

A colleague recently shared with me something surprising and
shocking: She rarely looks in a full-length mirror, and when she does, it is
only superficially. “T” is beautiful, thin, married and able-bodied. Women with
disabilities are not alone; able-bodied women also struggle with body love and
self-esteem. Sometimes, it is easy to fall into poor victim mode and blame
everything on whatever your “thing” is. Mine is my visible arthritis. As I
often do, I put on my therapist hat with “T,” probing, validating and offering
ideas.
 
I didn’t suggest this to “T,” but something that helped me
connect to my body more deeply was when I posed nude for a photography show a
few years ago. It’s such a long story of how I got to do this, and the story of
The Raw Beauty photography exhibit was life-altering for the 20 disabled women
who were models for our exhibit. I’ll share with you the highlights and what opened
up for me. Out of the 20 women who posed, I was one of three who posed
semi-nude.
At age 42, I stood taller and stronger in self-acceptance. I
was happy with work and had a guy who was crazy about me, so when the
opportunity to do Raw Beauty came to me, I said yes. Usually I would analyze
and over-think, but this time, I didn’t. I thought, “People stare at me anyway…why
not have them stare at a beautiful photograph?” Don’t get me wrong — when the
big day came to bare it all, I still felt nervous, shy and hesitant. But our
photographer was incredible, and he also had a chronic illness, which made him
more sensitive to body image stuff.
 
We don’t often think of when or how we feel most beautiful,
and I got to design my very own photo shoot. I met with my photographer before
the shoot to discuss specifics of clothing, poses and looks I liked. We had a
blast, and it was exactly as I envisioned a real model shoot. I’m excited for
all women to do this. After my shoot, I felt so inspired and altered that I
called the other models who were vacillating about posing nude and screamed,
“You gotta do it; it was amazing!” I know I inspired one of my friends with
arthritis; she secretly hired a photographer for her own boudoir shots and gave
them to her husband on their anniversary.
The lesson here: Let go of your fear and take the photos for
you; I have a few of them framed in my apartment. When I am feeling low or down
about anything, I glance at the photo of me and remember my beauty. Give
yourself this gift for the New Year!
 
–By Shelly
 
[Photos via We Heart It]

Disability Dish: Look in the mirror

What do I like/love about my body? This is huge and so not simple for
me to write about. It took many, many years for me to own that there are things
I do like about my body. First, I’d like to share a little more about me. I am
48 years young, recently married to the love of my life, and I grew up with
juvenile rheumatoid arthritis (JRA.) I contracted JRA when I was three and got
the most aggressive kind, where it ravaged every joint, made my young body look
old, with small fingers, short arms and an uneven gait; I’m also bionic with
knee and hip replacements. As a kid, teen and young adult, my parents trekked
me to tons of doctors, where they poked, prodded, examined, stared at, pricked,
x-rayed, medicated and splinted me to make me hurt less. All this was done to
my body, and often, the focus was on the joint/parts that were most inflamed. A
wrist this week, a hip next year. Living with arthritis can feel like a
roller coaster. I learned to disappear. I went into my head a lot and forgot my
body. I wanted to escape the pain and stares.


In my early twenties, I found a good therapist, discovered alcohol and broke out of my shyness with men. A late bloomer with dating (another column),
I think all of this contributed to re-discovering my body. You have to look at
your body before you know what you like about it, right? I had never looked in
a full-length mirror. I wore loose-fitting clothes, used little make-up and
rarely brushed my curls. I wanted to portray that laid-back, hippie bohemian
look. Who was I kidding? I don’t think I pulled it off.

I often wondered: How did I come to accept, see and like my body? Body
self-acceptance is a process for all of us, but a little more complex for a
disabled woman. Liking and accepting my body has been a zig-zag journey, and it
is ongoing. I’m still in it. Something began to shift for me when I came out of
my shell with men; having that exterior validation helped. Another experience
that helped me see was when I posed nude at 42 for my Raw Beauty photography show. Face it — women have it hard with media-driven superficial standards of
beauty. Even the average able-bodied women are screwed. No one looks like
supermodels…not even supermodels!


But over time, I stood alone, and my need for the external validation lessened. I only saw what I didn’t like and always compared myself to others. I
couldn’t see the stuff that wasn’t so terrible and uniquely me. In my late
thirties, I took the plunge, looked and really saw. I joke to Robert, my
adorable husband, that God gave us a broken body, so it seemed just that he
would bless us with some so-called “perfect” exterior features. Yes, this is
going to sound superficial and Robert does love me for my mind/soul, but when I
look in the mirror, this is what I see now and feel grateful for. I love my…


*Round butt, more perfect than geometry.

*My brown curls, bouncy, non-kinky, the kind women would pay a lot of money for.

*My big eyes, green like emeralds.

*My full pink lips.

Don’t get me wrong; there are days I am so frustrated with my body that I can’t stand it, when I hurt a lot or it’s hard to walk or get into the car.
Or I’m having a bad hair day! All of this is part of my whole, my good, bad and
ugly — perfectly, imperfect me. What do you see when you look in the mirror?
What do you like?


–By Shelly

[Photos via We Heart It]

Exciting news: One more new contributor!

Remember when I introduced Caitlin as a new So About What I Said contributor a few weeks ago? Well, I’m so excited to welcome one more amazing woman to the lineup today, friends. You might recognize Shelly from when I featured her photograhy exhibit last summer. She’s a mover and a shaker from Miami who’s doing wonderful things for the disability community. She’ll be sharing snapshots of your life as a woman with a disability — the ups, the downs, the frustrations, the triumphs…even how her life is surprisingly normal despite her disability. Look for her biweekly column, Disability Dish, to debut on Thursday, but in the meantime, I’ll let Shelly introduce herself…
I’m Shelly, and I work as a clinical social worker in Miami at University of Miami School of Medicine. I wear many hats at my day job, but the main thing I do is manage leadership programs/curriculums for professionals who want to make a difference in the disability community. I have a coaching and counseling business helping individuals find love and have healthy relationships. I am a sought after speaker at colleges and medical schools, where I openup dialogues and shed light on the ins and outs of dating, relationships and having sex with a disability. There are still many myths and stereotypes regarding people with disabilities and sexuality; I’m on a mission to break those! To that end, I co-created a photography exhibit called Uncensored Life: Raw Beauty showcasing disabled women’s beauty and sensuality, and last year, I gave a TEDxMIA talk called The Beauty of Disability. Recently married, I sleep little, read voraciously, love our black girl cat, Harry, and still use a Filofax (I like pen on page) I’m working on a memoir about my dating dramas with a disability and another writing project with my new husband. I am thrilled to be a guest columnist on Melissa’s fabulous blog!

Aren’t you excited for her column, friends? Welcome aboard, Shelly!! xoxo