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Monday, November 25, 2019

Why I Love Chatting About My Disability

Chatting About My DisabilityI’ve always felt that chatting about my disability was one of the greatest things I could do as a writer. And, indeed, it’s been so very rewarding for more than a decade.

Last month, my writer friend Ellen Seidman interviewed me for her blog Love That Max, which she’s written since 2008 about disabilities and life with her son Max, who has cerebral palsy. I thought I’d share some of that interview today (you can read the awesome blog post)…


Have you always been pretty regular selfie-poster? Did you never give it much thought? Had you gotten trolled before and what was your way of dealing?

Oh, yes, I’ve always loved snapping selfies — maybe a bit too much, if you ask my mom! I’ve always felt that it’s a great way to capture a moment in a genuine way…no camera tricks or filters. Just you being you.

I learned pretty early on that being a woman writer, especially one with a disability, was going to open me up to trolls on the internet. People respectfully critiquing my work has never bothered me. Instead, what’s bothered me the most is people going right for attacking my appearance. No mention of what I wrote…just making fun of how I look. Those are the sorts of bullying that I’ve received over the years and while it still stings, I try my best to let it roll off my back.

How has what happened influenced your selfie-tendencies—do you feel like you’ll be posting more now? Has this given you added selfie confidence?

It doesn’t seem like such a horrible experience with trolls would actually give me more confidence, but it has. I’ve continued posting selfies and people really seem to like it. In fact, I even started the hashtag #MyBestSelfie to encourage others to post photos of themselves and celebrate who they are!

When you were growing up, how did your parents instill confidence in you and what advice did they give you for dealing with meanies?

I credit my parents for encouraging me to believe in myself and be as independent as possible despite my disability. They always told me to never let my disability stop me from doing what I wanted in life. And, similar to not reading the comments, they taught me how important it is to not let others’ cruel words impact how you see yourself. The old adage “treat others as you want to be treated” is sounds simple, but it applies to so many situations in life, including bullies.

What advice would you give to parents to encourage their children to love themselves as they are?

It’s so important for parents to model that sort of behavior for their children. Kids see everything, so if they see their parents being hard on themselves or being overly self-critical, they’re going to pick up on that and internalize it.

Also, teaching them that we all make mistakes — that’s just a normal part of life — but it doesn’t make us a bad person.

And what advice would you give to parents to teach their children to accept others as they are? [It would be great if you could mention, too, how to handle it when children make innocently blunt comments in public.]

I’ve never been insulted when kids ask about my disability in public. I’d rather them ask than just point and stare. I think it’s so important for parents to encourage children to be politely curious — ask questions respectfully and treat the disabled person like a person. Also, parents should always reinforce that disabilities are nothing to be afraid of — that people with disabilities are people who maybe use a wheelchair to get around or use a walker to go shopping.

Thank you so much, Ellen, for chatting about my disability with me!! xoxo

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1 Comment Filed Under: disabilities in the media, Disability, family

Wednesday, October 9, 2019

My Essay on HuffPost Personal: “Trolls Told Me I’m Too Ugly To Post Pics…”

TrollsOf all the amazing things that have happened as a result of my viral tweet to the trolls, the thing I’m most proud of is that we’ve started a conversation about beauty and disability! We live in a society that doesn’t usually put those two things together, but WE’RE DOING IT and I couldn’t be happier!! Take that, trolls…

I’m so honored that I got to write about this for HuffPost Personal! I’d wanted to pitch them for awhile, but kept putting it off for some reason. Luckily, my amazing writer friend Tamara kept gently encouraging me, and, well, I thought that a piece about one aspect of my viral tweet might be just the perfect story for them.

Thankfully, the editor felt the same and accepted my piece a couple hours after I turned in the draft.

Wrestling with my own self-confidence and beauty is a big part of my story and something tells me that my journey is only just beginning! Again, take THAT trolls!

Here’s an excerpt of the piece, in which I (try!) to give a solid argument for why it’s so important to actually celebrate disabilities and not act like they’re such a bad thing…

Growing up, the mirror often felt like my biggest enemy. I’d see myself, see my wheelchair, see my deformed hands and think, Maybe I am just ugly. Most of my scars were hidden under my clothes, but that didn’t matter because I could still feel them. I was so certain people would be repulsed by them in the same way I was for most of my teenage years.

In that one tweet, I owned my beauty. For the first time in my life, I felt worthy and deserving. In less than 280 characters, I found the sense of self-confidence I’d been looking for since those days spent analyzing myself in front of the mirror.

That tweet also brought disabilities and beauty together ― two things we don’t typically associate with each other. That tweet showed the world that those two things can exist together and that disabilities can be beautiful.

TrollsYou can read the full piece here and I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to email me anytime at mellow1422@aol.com and let’s chat! And of course, feel free to share my essay on Facebook, Twitter or even your local refrigerator. If you share on Twitter, be sure to tag me @melissablake so I see your tweet and we can connect! I can’t wait to hear from you! Love you all… xoxo

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12 Comments Filed Under: disabilities in the media, Disability, HuffPost Personal writing

Monday, July 1, 2019

My Essay on Rooted In Rights: “Here’s What Dr. Phil Got Wrong in His Episode on Interabled Relationships”

interabled relationshipsIn March, you may have seen me post this on social media: Spent a good portion of today thinking about the Dr. Phil episode featuring an interabled couple and more ableist tropes than should be in 2019. It’s irresponsible to present this narrative of disability. People with disabilities aren’t burdens. We’re human. When I posted about Dr. Phil’s ableist views on interabled relationships, I’m sure many of you knew an op-ed would be coming!! Here it is!! And it’s my first for Rooted In Rights — remember my second piece on Ali Stroker’s historic Tony nomination?

I love that my job allows me to be a voice for the disability community. To speak up for a group whose voices and needs are continually overlooked and dismissed. I may only be one voice, but I’ll never stop speaking up and being an advocate for people with disabilities. Always. And when it comes to interabled relationships, this is especially true!

Here’s an excerpt of the piece, in which I write honestly about what it’s like to have a disability and the kinds of care we require…

And here’s something important that Dr. Phil seems to forget: There are different types of “caregiving.” It’s not just about the physical. I may require a lot of personal care from my family, but that doesn’t mean I can’t care for them as well, especially when it comes to emotional caregiving. The episode is a perfect illustration of the sort of ableism people with disabilities encounter on a daily basis. People are surprised when I tell them some of the things people have told me and sometimes, I wonder what’s worse: Their surprise or the fact that I’m not surprised by any of it.

Why are we still buying into the “burden” narrative when it comes to people with disabilities? People with disabilities are not burdens. We’re human. And we deserve to be treated with dignity.

interabled relationshipsYou can read the full piece here and I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to email me anytime at mellow1422@aol.com and let’s chat! And of course, feel free to share my essay on Facebook, Twitter or even your local refrigerator. If you share on Twitter, be sure to tag me @melissablake so we can connect! I can’t wait to hear from you! Love you all… xoxo

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Leave a Comment Filed Under: disabilities in the media, Disability, Rooted In Rights writing

Tuesday, June 18, 2019

My Essay on CNN Opinion: “What Clouded Ali Stroker’s Shining Tony Moment”

Ali StrokerAfter two months of my pitches missing the mark, I got another acceptance from CNN Opinion!! Did you see Ali Stroker take home a coveted trophy at this year’s Tony Awards? Her nomination alone was a game-changer, but her win? Well, it’s downright historic!

She became the first wheelchair user to win and my heart soared when I heard her inspiring speech, in which she dedicated her award to kids with disabilities who have been waiting to be seen in the world.

But for all the moving-forward, making-progress vibes of her award, we still saw a stark reminder that society still has a ways to go when it comes to inclusion. Ali Stroker’s historic Tony win shows us about disability and accessibility — namely, that society still needs to do better.

Here’s an excerpt of the piece, in which I explore this question: It’s 2019…why are people with disabilities still an after-thought and expected to live in a world that wasn’t made for them?

My heart sank because this scene illustrates the everyday ableism people with disabilities face, and it’s not an uncommon one. The issue of accessibility is something we’re all too familiar with, from theaters without ramps to restaurants with steps to buildings without elevators.

The truth is, the world is not made for people with disabilities, and there’s no denying the twinge of irony that came with Stroker’s win. Here she was, breaking down barriers and shattering disability stereotypes, yet confronted with a barrier to accept the award. In addition, by separating her from her peers and fellow nominees, this lack of a ramp was yet another example of a person with a disability being physically marginalized or separated from a group or community because of being differently abled than everyone else.

It’s telling the disability community that they need to conform to the able-bodied world instead of the other way around.

You can read the full piece here and I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to email me anytime at mellow1422@aol.com and let’s chat! And of course, feel free to share my essay on Facebook, Twitter or even your local refrigerator. If you share on Twitter, be sure to tag me @melissablake so we can connect! I can’t wait to hear from you! Love you all… xoxo

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Leave a Comment Filed Under: CNN Opinion writing, disabilities in the media, Disability

Friday, June 14, 2019

My Essay on Rooted In Rights: “Ali Stroker’s Tony Nomination Puts Disability Center Stage”

Ali StrokerI can’t believe I got to write this as my second piece for Rooted In Rights, an amazing disability rights site! When I heard that actress Ali Stroker recently became the first performer in a wheelchair to be nominated for a Tony award, I was excited (note: I wrote a follow-up piece after her big win last week and will post that next week!). When I heard that they didn’t tone down her character (amorous Ado Annie in Oklahoma!), I was ecstatic.

To see an overtly sexual character with a disability is huge, especially in a society that typically sends the message that women with disabilities are asexual beings. Honestly, that’s something I’ve never understood and it’s actually incredibly frustrating. Why does our disability suddenly take away our sexuality as women? Is it because there’s this societal perception that disability is ugly, grotesque and shameful? I’m definitely not here for any of that!

Thanks to Ali Stroker, though, disability representation is taking center stage. Literally!! To see disabilities represented on the stage has been a long time coming, and it means that yet another barrier has been shattered in the fight for inclusion — a fight in which we still have so far to go!

Here’s an excerpt of the piece, in which I talk about how much I’ve loved Ali Stroker ever since I first saw her on The Glee Project years ago (she should have won!)…

To pair disability with sexuality is nothing short of revolutionary. It’s not something we’ve necessarily seen so overtly on Broadway or quite so mainstream, and it’s sending the very-important message that, yes, women with disabilities can be sexy and can lean into their own sexuality just like nondisabled women. So often, disabilities are thought of as negative – sometimes even repulsive – and they’re virtually never included in mainstream conversations about sexuality. Or even in conversations about relationships in general, for that matter.

The assumption that women with disabilities are asexual beings is all at once hurtful, misguided and damaging. It’s an assumption that further puts us in the “other” category and fails to see us as whole people and all our identities instead of just part of us. And, it’s an assumption that should have been debunked decades ago.

Maybe that’s why I’m so thankful to see Stroker in the spotlight in Oklahoma! as a character who is a woman who embraces her sexuality and just happens to be in a wheelchair.

Ali StrokerYou can read the full piece here and I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to email me anytime at mellow1422@aol.com and let’s chat! And of course, feel free to share my essay on Facebook, Twitter or even your local refrigerator. If you share on Twitter, be sure to tag me @melissablake so we can connect! I can’t wait to hear from you! Love you all… xoxo

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2 Comments Filed Under: disabilities in the media, Disability, Rooted In Rights writing

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So About What I Said is a daily blog that covers relationships, disabilities, lifestyle and pop culture. I love to laugh and have been known to overshare. I also have an unabashed obsession with pop music, polo shirts, and PEZ dispensers. Read more...

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