10 Things I’d Tell You About Depression

It’s hard to believe, but it’s been five years since I battled depression. I say ‘battled’ because that’s really the most accurate way to describe it. It IS a battle. You’re in battle. You’re entrenched in this war against something that feels so much bigger than you could ever be; it has this intense power over you and it seems intent on taking you down, no matter the cost. You have no idea where this depression monster came from and you have no idea when it’s going to go away. All you know is that it’s overstayed its welcome, and all you want to do is run far, far away from it.

That’s how everything played out for me — almost like a long, extended, replaying nightmare. My depression came on slowly starting in the fall. It was such a sneaky, insidious little thing that I didn’t even pick up on it at first. I just knew that something didn’t feel right at all; the worst part was that nothing necessarily happened to bring on those feelings, which just made things even more confusing. It all seemed to come out of the blue. I felt like my old self one day, and then I woke up the next morning and thought to myself, “OK, something has shifted. What is going on here?“

I had no idea what was going on, and over the following weeks and months, I started to feel worse and worse. I slipped into a deep depression, and it wasn’t pretty. For the first time in my life, I understood what people meant when they talked about falling down a black hole and struggling to claw your way out.

Like I said, it was truly a battle. But, thankfully, it was a battle I eventually won, and now that it’s been a full five years, I feel like I can look back on that time with a somewhat different perspective. I’ve learned some things, grown in some ways and know that I still have so far to go on this journey. For those struggling (and for the Melissa of 2010), here are 10 Things I’d Tell You About Depression…

1. You are still you: And more importantly, YOU ARE NOT YOUR DEPRESSION…I can’t stress that enough, hence the need for all caps! You are separate. It may not feel like it right now, but your soul is still in there, even though it feels like the depression has buried it under miles and miles of sadness. Take comfort in the fact that the essence of you hasn’t gone anywhere.

2. Depression isn’t just about being “sad“: Sure, that’s the emotion that gets top billing in pope culture and psych textbooks, but depression is about so much more than that surface emotion — it’s so much more nuanced, intricate and complicated. One minute I felt sad, and the next minute, I felt so anxious that even concentrating to do the simplest of tasks was near impossible. Blogging, something I loved just a couple months prior, was too overwhelming all of a sudden; you might remember that all I could muster was my measly Tuesday Update post sometimes. So don’t be surprised or alarmed when you find that there are a whole host of other symptoms waiting in the wings.

3. You will come out on the other side: That’s the mantra my mother kept telling me, but I didn’t believe it. Or rather, I couldn’t hear her because the depression was yelling louder and telling me, “That’s it. This is how you’re going to feel for the rest of your life. Better just accept it because there’s nothing you can do about it.” But that wasn’t true — and it will NEVER be true. I promise you WILL come out on the other side.

4. There are things you can do: It’s so easy to feel helpless and hopeless. I know I did — A LOT. Sometimes, you just want to crawl in that black hole and never come out, but it is so important to do things for you! It will help you defeat that depression, trust me. Watch your favorite TV show. Go for a walk. Journal. Cook. Spend time with the people you love. Nothing is too small and can make the biggest difference.

5. Don’t feel guilty or weak: Depression is something that happens TO you, and it’s nothing that you brought on yourself. It’s not as if you suddenly wanted to feel this bad, right? So why are you being so hard on yourself? Treat yourself with the same compassion you’d treat a loved one who was suffering. Love and kindness turned inward goes a long way.

6. Don’t be afraid of medication: I firmly believe it saved my life at the time. I’ll never be ashamed of taking medication; it can give you your life back when nothing else seems to be working. And of course, you know I’m a huge proponent of therapy! #NoShame, remember?


7. Depression is just as real as a physical illness: This is one I’ve been trying to drive home to my sister for years because it’s such an important one and such an undervalued one. People who get cancer, essentially, have something that’s attacking their body. Depression is sort of like cancer cells in that they’re attacking you — your life, your thought patterns, everything. You’ve been hijacked. Call that depression out for what it is — a disease.


8. Depression isn’t something you can just snap out of: Heck, if that were true, no one would get depressed, right? My blood boils to the nth degree whenever I hear people say, “Oh, come on, we all get sad! Just snap out of it!” If only it were that easy, you know?

9. Don’t listen to the lies: That evil depression is going to tell you some doozies, trust me. But none of them will actually be true, no matter how real they seem. Just like the rule of never feeding gremlins after midnight, NEVER feed into those lies. Ever.

10. Depression is a lifelong disease: I’m under no illusion that I’m 100 percent cured. I know I’m not, and honestly, I think about that fact a lot. OK, maybe more than is healthy sometimes. But I think it’s all part of the process, of remembering where you’ve been and reminding yourself that you’ll continue to have some good days and some not-so-good days ahead. Remember: You. Can. Do. It. Don’t let depression or anyone else tell you that you can’t.

This depression journey is one I’m still on, but it’s so important to talk about it and keep the conversation going. Because the depression wants you to stay silent and let it take over. Don’t let it. You’re too important and too loved to let it defeat you.

And, never be afraid to get help if you or someone you know is struggling. Both the National Institute of Mental Health and the National Alliance on Mental Illness are great resources, and if you’re ever feeling suicidal, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Help is out there. You are never alone. xoxo

[Photos via We Heart It]

My Essay on Woman’s Day: “How Coming Off Antidepressants Taught Me to Give Myself More Credit”

Did you know that May is Mental Health Awareness Month? Obviously, this is a topic near and dear to my heart, so I was really proud to see my newest essay How Coming Off Antidepressants Taught Me to Give Myself More Credit go live on Woman’s Day this week. I wrote about the experience of deciding to come off some of my medications following my depression. It’s been a journey and one I’ve been wanting to talk about. I’ll no doubt be writing more about it in future blog posts, but this essay serves as a good overview!

Here’s an excerpt of the essay, where I unleash my trademark honesty…

To my relief, the meds continued to work, and life settled into a comfortable, familiar rhythm. So when my mom first suggested that I think about going down on my dosage, I was very hesitant. After all, I liked how things were now; why should I change a good thing?

“You’re on a lot of medication, and of course you needed it when your depression was so acute,” she said. “But you’re out of the woods and doing so well these days. Just think about it.”

She had a point. It had been nearly five years since I was hospitalized. For some reason, though, despite improving, I continued to cling to those pill bottles; they’d become some sort of security blanket. Maybe I couldn’t live without them.

My biggest fear was relapsing and ending up back in the hospital — having to drudge back up that mountain of recovery for a second time was just too overwhelming to even think about. I’d become afraid of who I was with the medication and even more afraid of who I’d become without them.

But maybe I could live — even thrive — without them. Maybe, at long last, it was time for a change. Those meds had saved my life and were there at a time when I needed them most, but you know what I’d also realized over the last few years? I saved my own life, too.



You can read the full essay here and I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to email me anytime at mellow1422@aol.com and let’s chat! And of course, feel free to share my essay on Facebook, Twitter or even your local refrigerator. If you share on Twitter, be sure to tag me @melissablake so we can connect! I can’t wait to hear from you! Love you all… xoxo

What It’s Like To Live With Anxiety

I’ve got an essay to write today on my journey with depression and anxiety, so how fitting is that I’d come across these illustrations? Catherine Lepage perfectly captured the reality of living with anxiety in her new book Thin Slices of Anxiety: Observations and Advice to Ease a Worried Mind, which is filled with beautiful illustrations I think we all can relate to at some point in our lives…

I’d love to hear your tips, friends! How do you combat anxiety? How do you stop it before it takes over? Exercise? Meditate? Get together with friends? Obviously, writing about it always helps me, so if you’ll excuse me, I hear an essay calling my name… xoxo

Tuesday Tunes: R.E.M’s “Everybody Hurts”

Editor’s Note: Song lyrics denoted in bold italics.

Damn you, Pandora, you’ve done it to me again. How is it that you do this to me every single time I listen to you? It’s like you have this power over me and are able to completely put me in a trance. You know, the kind where you literally have to STOP and listen to the words because they’re telling your story.

R.E.M’s “Everybody Hurts”
From Automatic For The People

This song came out when I was young. Too young to really know what the words meant or the feelings they were trying to capture. And honestly, the slow vibe of the melody sort of bored me to death. Blah, I thought, what’s so special about this song? Why is everyone and their emo, flannel-wearing brother so obsessed with it? It just didn’t make much sense to me.

And then, in the usual way I’ve come to divide my life, my father died.
When your day is long
And the night, the night is yours alone
When you’re sure you’ve had enough
Of this life, well hang on


Don’t let yourself go
‘Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes

The days used to be so long just after he died. It felt like I was walking through a haze and my whole body felt heavy. And the nights? Well, those were pretty dark too. The quiet had a way of being downright deafening at times; going through the throes of grief and being alone with all your thoughts can be a very bad combination. There were a lot of nights where I’d just lie there in the dark under the covers because I didn’t know what else to do. Ir maybe I didn’t want to do anything else? Even now, I’m not quite sure.

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it’s time to sing along
When your day is night alone (Hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (Hold on)
If you think you’ve had too much
Of this life, well hang on


Everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don’t throw your hand, oh no

Obviously, it helped in the beginning to know that I wasn’t alone. To know that, yes, everybody hurts and that no one’s life is picture-perfect easy was a comfort, as odd as that sounds. And the support of my family meant the world to me — probably more than they’ll ever know — and I hope that I was just as much of a help to them. It’s such a wonderful thing when you can lean on people who are going through the same thing, isn’t it? You can commiserate and cry and vent and even laugh, all the while knowing that you won’t be judged or ridiculed for it. It’s a pretty safe feeling, actually.

If you’re on your own in this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you’ve had too much of this life to hang on

And these lines? Well, they reminded me of my father — in ways I never expected. I’ve wanted to shout this to him for years, but, ironically, I can’t because he’s not here. Why didn’t he once think to stick around, grab onto us for dear life and hold on with everything he had? Did he really not think that we’d do ANYTHING for him? We’d have moved mountains and parted the seas if only he’d told us what he was feeling and told us of the dark place he was in. It wasn’t like him to keep us so in the dark, so to speak, and I suppose I’ll always have those sorts of questions in the back of my mind.

Then the realist in me always seems to come out, though, and realize that perhaps that’s exactly why he didn’t tell us. He knew that we would have done anything and, obviously, that’s the last thing he wanted. But he wasn’t alone. And I hope he knew that, even in the end. He was never alone. We loved him so much.

Addictions Aren’t Fixed By Relationships

Drug and alcohol problems permeate all classes, cultures and demographics. America’s largest minority – the disabled – are perhaps at even greater risk of developing addictions than other groups due to a number of factors. For one, many forms of disability, such as blindness and deafness, are not adequately accounted for in the many options for rehab and counseling. Furthermore, many driving forces of addiction stem from issues in which the disabled are especially vulnerable: bullying, loneliness and depression.

Developing a psychological and/or physiological dependence on drugs and/or alcohol affects men more than women. Therefore, it’s no surprise that when addiction exists in relationships involving one or more people living with a disability, it’s almost always the man with the problem. That doesn’t mean the coin doesn’t sometimes flip the other way; it’s simply that one side weighs more than the other.

Sometimes, the most common denominator in the many relationships where a man has an addiction issue is that the drug or alcohol problem existed prior to the start of the relationship. This is not immediately evident to the woman, her friends or her family because the addicted individual is temporarily cured by romance. He is willing to put drugs and alcohol to the side – at least relative to his typical consumption – because feelings of love for another person override the love of a bottle, needle, pill or pipe.

Women, especially those with disabilities, must be particularly careful not to let men use them as a temporary cure for their addictions. Though seemingly benign at the beginning, drug and alcohol problems lead to further issues. For example, dual diagnosis for men can start with addiction and leads to mental health disorders, whereas for women, it’s the other way around. While not every addict eventually becomes bipolar, depressed or OCD, many do. Women who get romantically involved with men suffering from drug and alcohol addictions have to weigh the risks before taking the relationship to the next level.

Men: relationships cannot be used as substitutes or distractions from drug and alcohol addiction. Recognize when chemical dependence exists and take appropriate steps toward fixing the problem without forming a new dependency on somebody rather than something. Seek recovery treatment, counseling and online support.

Let’s say the relationship is already underway. In this case, accept your partner’s help in solving the addiction problem. Do not ever tell a woman she’s wrong for wanting to change you. Do not use her love as a weapon to get what you want – mainly the substances your body and mind crave.

Appreciate that someone is there for you. Honor her commitment by doing your best to beat the drug and alcohol demons once and for all. Keep her happy, and make sure to still find time to ask her about her day. No matter how dramatic of a rehabilitation you’re going through, life goes on in many other ways for those around you. Be mindful of her wants and needs like she is of yours, and not only will addiction be conquered, but loved will grow.

–Sara Stringer is a freelance writer who most enjoys blogging about lifestyle, relationships and life as a woman. In her spare time, she enjoys soaking up the sunshine with her husband and two kids. Consideration was received for the editing and publishing of this article.

[Photo via We Heart It]