NYC Diaries: On disabilities and love

This is a topic Melissa is waaay better (and probably far more comfortable) at writing about than I am, but as a woman living with a disability, I do have some input about the whole thing. I was born without a left arm past the elbow, so I know what it’s like to have a physical difference that some might think would make it hard for me to date. Although I haven’t jumped into the dating game in a while (I’ve been with my current boyfriend, Chris, for over two years now), I realize that a disability can be a bit of a challenge when it comes to getting guys to see you as desirable. It’s not that people with disabilities can’t be desirable. That’s not the case at all. However, I do think the media needs to step it up in terms of how they portray anyone with a physical difference.


You know what I’m talking about here. Phantom of the Opera, anyone? Captain Hook? Darth Vader? Most disabled characters are either villains or just plain unattractive. Luckily, though, reality TV is growing out of that mold. This season of The Bachelor even features a contestant who, like me, has one hand. (I wrote about it on my blog last week). Sarah Herron fits in perfectly well with the other girls — she’s thin, blonde and gorgeous. But it’s obvious that her difference is, well, different. She addresses it with bachelor Sean Lowe on their first meeting, saying that she hopes he won’t treat her as “disabled.”And he doesn’t. She proves herself to be a worthy contender in the running for Sean’s heart (or at least his highly coveted roses) Still, I think Sarah’s presence on the show marks a new era for disabilities in the media.


Representing people with disabilities on TV, especially on a dating show like The Bachelor, invites the audience to view them as normal people with full lives. It also allows the public to see them as totally datable. It’s fine for the other girls on the show to be jealous of the attention Sean pays Sarah, so why shouldn’t the rest of the world see her as just as likely to land a hot guy like Sean?

Essentially, my point is this: We ladies with disabilities are just like anyone else. We want to be loved and we want to be seen as lovable. But then again, that’s what everyone wants, isn’t it?

Disability Dish: Look in the mirror

What do I like/love about my body? This is huge and so not simple for
me to write about. It took many, many years for me to own that there are things
I do like about my body. First, I’d like to share a little more about me. I am
48 years young, recently married to the love of my life, and I grew up with
juvenile rheumatoid arthritis (JRA.) I contracted JRA when I was three and got
the most aggressive kind, where it ravaged every joint, made my young body look
old, with small fingers, short arms and an uneven gait; I’m also bionic with
knee and hip replacements. As a kid, teen and young adult, my parents trekked
me to tons of doctors, where they poked, prodded, examined, stared at, pricked,
x-rayed, medicated and splinted me to make me hurt less. All this was done to
my body, and often, the focus was on the joint/parts that were most inflamed. A
wrist this week, a hip next year. Living with arthritis can feel like a
roller coaster. I learned to disappear. I went into my head a lot and forgot my
body. I wanted to escape the pain and stares.


In my early twenties, I found a good therapist, discovered alcohol and broke out of my shyness with men. A late bloomer with dating (another column),
I think all of this contributed to re-discovering my body. You have to look at
your body before you know what you like about it, right? I had never looked in
a full-length mirror. I wore loose-fitting clothes, used little make-up and
rarely brushed my curls. I wanted to portray that laid-back, hippie bohemian
look. Who was I kidding? I don’t think I pulled it off.

I often wondered: How did I come to accept, see and like my body? Body
self-acceptance is a process for all of us, but a little more complex for a
disabled woman. Liking and accepting my body has been a zig-zag journey, and it
is ongoing. I’m still in it. Something began to shift for me when I came out of
my shell with men; having that exterior validation helped. Another experience
that helped me see was when I posed nude at 42 for my Raw Beauty photography show. Face it — women have it hard with media-driven superficial standards of
beauty. Even the average able-bodied women are screwed. No one looks like
supermodels…not even supermodels!


But over time, I stood alone, and my need for the external validation lessened. I only saw what I didn’t like and always compared myself to others. I
couldn’t see the stuff that wasn’t so terrible and uniquely me. In my late
thirties, I took the plunge, looked and really saw. I joke to Robert, my
adorable husband, that God gave us a broken body, so it seemed just that he
would bless us with some so-called “perfect” exterior features. Yes, this is
going to sound superficial and Robert does love me for my mind/soul, but when I
look in the mirror, this is what I see now and feel grateful for. I love my…


*Round butt, more perfect than geometry.

*My brown curls, bouncy, non-kinky, the kind women would pay a lot of money for.

*My big eyes, green like emeralds.

*My full pink lips.

Don’t get me wrong; there are days I am so frustrated with my body that I can’t stand it, when I hurt a lot or it’s hard to walk or get into the car.
Or I’m having a bad hair day! All of this is part of my whole, my good, bad and
ugly — perfectly, imperfect me. What do you see when you look in the mirror?
What do you like?


–By Shelly

[Photos via We Heart It]

xoJane: Essay #2

A few weeks ago, I mentioned that I was working on a new piece for xoJane (you might remember my first essay on coming to terms with my disability). This time around, I’m sharing what it feels like to be a 31-year-old virgin who’s never been kissed and wonder: How do you tell someone they’re your first? As in first everything -– first kiss, first date, first boyfriend, first, well, time. And how do you even begin to figure out how your physical disability plays into all of this? Oh, and there’s a bit more reflection on a certain guy. You can read the full essay here, and as always, I’d love to hear your thoughts, friends! xoxo

Exciting news: One more new contributor!

Remember when I introduced Caitlin as a new So About What I Said contributor a few weeks ago? Well, I’m so excited to welcome one more amazing woman to the lineup today, friends. You might recognize Shelly from when I featured her photograhy exhibit last summer. She’s a mover and a shaker from Miami who’s doing wonderful things for the disability community. She’ll be sharing snapshots of your life as a woman with a disability — the ups, the downs, the frustrations, the triumphs…even how her life is surprisingly normal despite her disability. Look for her biweekly column, Disability Dish, to debut on Thursday, but in the meantime, I’ll let Shelly introduce herself…
I’m Shelly, and I work as a clinical social worker in Miami at University of Miami School of Medicine. I wear many hats at my day job, but the main thing I do is manage leadership programs/curriculums for professionals who want to make a difference in the disability community. I have a coaching and counseling business helping individuals find love and have healthy relationships. I am a sought after speaker at colleges and medical schools, where I openup dialogues and shed light on the ins and outs of dating, relationships and having sex with a disability. There are still many myths and stereotypes regarding people with disabilities and sexuality; I’m on a mission to break those! To that end, I co-created a photography exhibit called Uncensored Life: Raw Beauty showcasing disabled women’s beauty and sensuality, and last year, I gave a TEDxMIA talk called The Beauty of Disability. Recently married, I sleep little, read voraciously, love our black girl cat, Harry, and still use a Filofax (I like pen on page) I’m working on a memoir about my dating dramas with a disability and another writing project with my new husband. I am thrilled to be a guest columnist on Melissa’s fabulous blog!

Aren’t you excited for her column, friends? Welcome aboard, Shelly!! xoxo