Have You Heard?? Disabled Women Are Hot AF…

Disabled Women Are HotIf you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, then you already know how much I love, well, LOVE. But even more than just love, I love writing about/talking about/obsessing over the intersection between love and disabilities!!! It’s pretty much my favorite thing ever. Why, you ask? Well, for a very simple fact that the rest of the world is (maybe?) starting to realize: Disabled women are hot…

Flashback to my early 20s: I once believed I was the girl who would never be seen as some guy’s catch. I felt invisible and thought “You know your disability will just get in the way. Why would he find you attractive?”

There’s this pervasive societal perception that women with disabilities aren’t sexy and can’t possibly have romantic relationships.

Shame on society!! Because here’s the truth: Y’all need to start thinking of disabled women as viable romantic partners!!

Why don’t we talk more about dating and disabilities? The fact that asking a disabled person on a date isn’t even on some people’s radar is subtle ableism at its finest.

And by finest, I mean gross.

One of the most straight-up ableist things I hate is how people assume that disabled people aren’t interested in romantic relationships. Or even worse, that we’re not worthy partners. It’s the EXACT reason I wrote an entire Glamour essay about it.

I took all my disgust and frustration and channeled it into words, which is what I usually do when those strong feelings are a-stirring and a-pulling at my heartstrings!

So…

Disabled women shouldn’t post thirst trap photos?

Disabled women shouldn’t slide into DMs?

Every time I talk about dating, people say “you have to be happy with yourself. You don’t need a man.” I feel like we say this to disabled people so much more than non-disabled people.

I mean, I don’t need ice cream either, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want it. Ice cream is downright DELICIOUS.

Disabled Women Are HotIn my 20s, I worried how my disability would figure into romantic relationships. I feared having to “explain myself” and assumed that guys thought dating someone like me was too much to ask. I struggled with self-confidence and becoming comfortable in my own body and with my disability was a process. It most certainly wasn’t an overnight transformation! Learning self-love is a lifelong process, something that I’m constantly practicing and will be for the rest of my life!

But today, in my late 30s, yeah, I still worry…sometimes. But I also know I’m hot AF and worthy of romantic love just like anyone else! It’s been quite the happy revelation, to say the least.

Plus, you know what else is making me incredibly happy right now?? Seeing other disabled women talking about dating and disabilities!! Be sure to check out Alex Dacy (aka Wheelchair Rapunzel) on Instagram, where she talks openly about being a disabled woman and has so many of the same thoughts and feelings that I do.

I was chatting with a writer friend recently who said that she appreciates my candor in talking about dating and disabilities!!

This just made my heart soar because no one talked about dating and disability when I was growing up. I want to be that voice for young people, so to see us having these conversations now is huge!!

I once wrote these words in my journal: “Guys just don’t like girls in wheelchairs. Or with any sort of disability, it seems.”

Can we please prove past me wrong in 2020…?? Dating a disabled woman shouldn’t be intimidating or scary or out of the question. It should be realistic relationship goals!! Disabled women ARE worthy romantic partners! Disabled women are hot…

Get it together, boys…y’all are MISSING OUT! Thank you for coming to my TED Talk… xoxo

Dear Trolls: We Are NOT the Labels You Place on Us

trollsThink about this question for a moment, friends: When was the last time someone made you feel less than or unworthy?? And also, why is it that online trolls seem to come out of the woodwork in spurts lately??

You all know that I’m no stranger to trolls and their sad, pitiful, pathetic shenanigans. Heck, I even got a viral tweet because of their behavior. But even though I’m no stranger to their taunts and tormenting, their words still sting. I don’t like to admit that; I’m not proud of the fact that sometimes, I let their words get to me more than I probably should.

Lately, though, these trolls have seemed to be around more than usual. Maybe they’re bored in quarantine? Maybe they’re just unhappy with their own life? I’m not sure what their reasoning is, but lately, I’ve seen such ableism when it comes to their taunts.

So, as a disabled person, I’m just here to remind those trolls that people with disabilities don’t exist for their chuckles. A couple weeks ago, I got several messages from people who were excited to let me know that my viral tweet was featured on some humor site.

Over 3K comments and it’s obvious whoever posted it did so as a joke. Not cool and not funny at all. I saw the word ugly over and over, along with these other gems. Y’all seriously need to check yourself and your ableism.

It was disheartening to read those comments, but it reminded me that even in 2020, the disabled are still considered less than. People to mock. And sometimes, we’re not even considered people in the first place.

trollsAnd don’t even get me started on what it’s like being a woman writer on the internet. File under The Cost of Being a Woman Writer on the Internet: When I got this “fan mail” in my inbox once, my first thought was, “Oh, like I haven’t heard this one a million times already! Maybe try something a little more original next time?”

Really, though, the joke’s on them because blobfish can live up to 130 years!!! I’m not going anywhere!!! Thank you, next.

Seriously, though, this is the reality of being a woman — and especially a woman writer. This is how women are treated and it’s not OK. When was the last time you saw a male writer criticized, mocked or taunted for their appearance? Spoiler alert: They’re usually not. Not nearly as often as women are.

Over the weekend, I got to thinking about all those cruel words I’ve heard lately — words like ugly, whale, fat and, yes, blobfish. What did I do, you ask?

I made that graphic above — my photo surrounded by actual comments trolls have left about me. I’ve got quite the collection, as you can see here! This is a reminder that we’re NOT the labels people place on us. People will talk. People will say things. But guess what? We don’t have to listen. They don’t get to tell us who we are.

Many of you have commented that I shouldn’t have blurred out the names of those trolls. Here’s the thing: I don’t need to reveal their names to call them out. I think it’s more important to focus on what they said as opposed to who they are. After all, who they are doesn’t matter.

I’m going to keep calling them out too. Not all of them because, let’s face it, there are a lot and only 24 hours in a day, but I make a point to call out the most horrific ones. That’s always been important to me and just one of the ways I speak up.

trollsOne more thing worth noting about trolls: I’ve been on social media for more than a decade, so I’ve seen A LOT. But I’ve never seen (and experienced) as much toxic ridicule and straight-up bullying as I have in the last four years. The fact that this coincides with Trump’s presidency is no coincidence. It’s telling. I’ve said this before and I’ll keep saying it: He’s encouraged and emboldened this disgusting behavior.

In the end, the trolls may say that I’m “ugly as hell,” but the joke is on them because I’m feeling GOOD AS HELL. And come on, “Ugly” looks pretty darn cute in a flower crown too!!! xoxo

My Essay on CNN Opinion: “The Bachelorette Is Growing Up”

BacheloretteHere’s something I never thought I’d say (err, type): I’m the same age as the next Bachelorette. The same age. We’re both 38. And I’m not speaking in hyperbole when I say that this is groundbreaking.

Looking for some fun distraction reading?? Here’s my latest piece for CNN — my 24th for them!! I wrote about the next Bachelorette Clare Crawley and how seeing a 38-year-old woman on the show is going to be a game-changer!!

A woman in her 30s looking for love is a first for the franchise and Crawley thinks her age will definitely be an asset in her search. Asset, indeed. After 16 seasons of women in their 20s, we’re finally seeing some diversity on The Bachelorette, and it’s such a win for us older Millennials, who enjoy the show, but are in a much different place than we were more than a decade ago. We live in a culture that prioritizes youth and vitality above all else, so when we constantly see young, young, young in everything from TVs to movies to even commercials, we get the message loud and clear: Getting older is the ultimate sin. It means the end.

Here’s an excerpt of the piece, in which I celebrate the wonderful awesomeness of us “cougars”!! We’re a mighty, mighty force, I tell you…

The reality is that women over 30 exist in this world, and they’re living and thriving. So why shouldn’t reality television reflect that? Perhaps Crawley signals a much-needed change for the franchise — one that will be a better reflection of how women date and marry in 2020.

Repeatedly seeing women primarily in their 20s just reinforces all those negative stereotypes about “older” women; society often says that women over 30 are “over the hill” or “past their prime,” or even worse — that those who are older and looking for love are somehow pathetic or desperate. And let’s not forget that little word “cougar,” made famous by Mrs. Robinson in 1967’s “The Graduate.” Spoiler alert: Anne Bancroft, who played Robinson, was only 35.

But how does most of our society view “older” men? Very differently. We use positive terms like “distinguished,” and a man with gray hair is often called a “silver fox.” Men, it seems, gain respect as they age — while women lose respect.

You can read the full piece here and I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to email me anytime at mellow1422@aol.com and let’s chat! And of course, feel free to share my essay on Facebook, Twitter or even your local refrigerator. If you share on Twitter, be sure to tag me @melissablake so I see your tweet and we can connect! I can’t wait to hear from you! Love you all… xoxo

Why Peppermint Patty Is the Best Peanuts Character

Peppermint PattyDo you have a favorite Peanuts character, friends? That’s an age-old question, I know, and there are so many possible choices for a favorite. There’s Charlie Brown, with his lovable innocence. There’s Lucy, with her bossy attitude, which I can admit to identifying with. But when all is said and done, there’s one character that towers above the rest. She’s the one, the only one — Peppermint Patty.

First of all, yes, I’m aware that this seems like an incredibly random post on a completely random Tuesday in February. But I’ve been saving this idea since November — over Thanksgiving weekend, to be exact. You see, I was SO sad to see everyone dragging Peppermint Patty on Twitter. It was the night that A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving was on TV. Maybe you’ve seen it; in fact, you’ve probably seen it! It’s the classic where Peppermint Patty invites herself to Charlie Brown’s house for Thanksgiving dinner. I mean, OK, so maybe it wasn’t exactly nice to invite yourself, but people on Twitter were coming for her like there was no tomorrow!

And that’s when I realized just how much I love that shirt-and-sandals lady! She’s fierce and strong and outspoken and powerful. Plus, she’s not afraid to be herself, even when her friend Marcie is constantly calling her “sir.” Like, that doesn’t even seem to faze her in the slightest and, well, I AM HERE FOR THAT. I’m here for her bucking conventions and saying “this is who I am.”

Isn’t that a beautiful thing?

Peppermint PattyPlus, she had such a huge crush on Charlie Brown and he was oblivious!! He totally friend-zoned her!!! Honestly, I’ve never identified more with a cartoon character in my entire life and I can’t emphasize that enough, people!!!! Friend. Zoned.

Seeing Peppermint Patty trending also reminded me of that time those internet trolls compared me to her, so I’d just like to end this post with one more important question: Who wears green better?? And, we both have that Big Hair Energy that is just wild and phenomenal — in cartoons and in real life, of course!!

Peppermint PattyI’d love to hear all about your favorite Peanuts character and why you love them! Their adventures never get old, do they? I particularly love the one where they all go to Europe as exchange students and have all sorts of wild adventures!! xoxo

Yes! Lizzo Is Making Us All Feel “Good As Hell”

LizzoApparently, not everyone thinks Lizzo should feel good as hell — hi, Twitter trolls…we see you! It doesn’t matter, though, because she’s too busy feeling good as hell on the cover of Rolling Stone to even notice!

Oooooh, and don’t forget about those shiny Grammy trophies she won last night!

Following the singer tweeting that she was leaving the social media platform for awhile because of trolls, she isn’t holding anything back in her interview with the venerable music magazine. I’ve been thinking about the powerful meaning behind that Rolling Stone cover. It’s sending a message and one that the world needs to hear.

The message? That she’s #sorrynotsorry. That she’s going to exist and thrive whether you (read: trolls) like it or not. It’s as if she’s telling off the entire world and I’m here for all of it.

LizzoWe live in a world that loves to comment on people’s weight, especially when it comes to women’s bodies. And not just comment — judge, criticize, rip apart, dissect, shame and insult. And yet, we don’t criticize men’s bodies in the same way — or even at all. In fact, we openly praise the Dad Bod trend. We love Dad Bods — we’ve even said how “hot” they are on celebrities.

The double standards and hypocrisy is never-ending, it seems. I’ve been called all the names, so I feel for Lizzo. The world isn’t kind to people who live outside the lines, who don’t fit society’s definition of pretty and who dare to be unapologetically themselves. And when those people are women? Society is extra vicious, especially online.

The body-shaming that women experience just for existing is harmful and doesn’t belong in 2020. Can this please be the year that we stop with the fatphobia? Better yet, let’s stop commenting on women’s bodies altogether. Let’s stop policing their very existence.

Because here’s the thing: People like Lizzo and myself…we don’t need your approval to feel good as hell about ourselves. We didn’t ask for your approval and we don’t want it. We love our bodies and we’re proud of our bodies. And we’re going to keep loving them whether you like it or not.

LizzoWomen have the right to feel good as hell about themselves. Women have the right to celebrate their bodies. And women have the right to love themselves — just as they are. Lizzo is telling us that on the cover of Rolling Stone. Are we finally going to listen? Living well really is the best revenge and I’m here for all of Lizzo’s revenge!!!