Why Is the Sexiest Man Alive a White Dude Bro?

Yesterday, in a tradition that has become most epic and iconic, People magazine announced their pick for this year’s coveted Sexiest Man Alive. Obviously, the title comes with many perks: Bragging rights. A splashy national magazine cover prominently displayed in the checkout aisle — a cover that would send women into fits of hysterics while on an after-work Target run. And, a sizable platform to present yourself to the world and really make some kind of positive impact.

Well, this year’s cover was successful in one regard: It did send me into fits of hysterics. But these hysterics weren’t of the happy, “OMG, I looooove him” variety! No, they were more like, “Uh, wow! So we’re going with ANOTHER white dude bro, huh?”

We already have a white dude bro in the White House. I don’t need to see it on the cover of People too!!

Because, let’s just go ahead and put all our cards on the table here…Blake Shelton is about as mainstream (read: safe) as you can get. He oozes that good-old Southern Boy charm, and he sings about such quintessential American staples as trucks, beer, girls, drinking beer while in your truck cruising for some girls. It’s all very…bland. And, honestly, it’s been done so…many…times…before.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

Frankly, it’s just all getting old, and I don’t know about you, but I’m DONE with it all. The last year has been one giant, uphill battle that we’ve climbed, only to get to the top and see a raging dumpster fire of crookedness, evil, rampant sexual assault, entitlement, mansplaining and men just behaving VERY badly in general. So to see it basically glorified in a glossy magazine (yet again!) is just downright troubling, not to mention pretty insulting all around. As another white dude bro would probably say, “So sad…yuge mistake!”

And thankfully, it looks like I’m not alone in my assessment. ELLE magazine is also questioning the choice, writing, “Wow indeed. 2017 is doing the absolutely most in the absolute strangest way possible. We need a special counsel to investigate this because I am sure that this is just Putin trying to make us crazy…I know all men are trash but I wasn’t aware that they were all dead, also.”

Now there’s a magazine that speaks the truth, if you ask me!! I’m more than ready for a big, sweeping change to come rolling through. You know, something to shake up this sad, unfortunate status quo this country has got going on right now. I mean, I can think of thousands of better choices than Mr. Shelton, like Sterling K. Brown, John Cho or Jesse Williams.

Or, what about a man in a wheelchair like Stephen Hawking. Or that guy named Barack Obama — I heard he’s done some pretty inspiring things. I need him back in my life, in any way possible!

And those, really, are just the examples I can think of off the top of my head.

As my writer friend Sarah said…

Ugh, I have nothing against Blake Shelton, I mean, he’s all right, seems like a nice guy, but omggggg, People has a way of picking the most boring, generic, cookie-cutter white guys. Pick someone quirky like Adrien Brody or something…

Sarah, I couldn’t agree more! In fact, I think the majority of America would agree with you!

What do you think, friends?? Did People get it right? Who else would you nominate as Sexiest Man Alive?? Let’s start next year’s campaign early!! xoxo