Do you ever feel like family closeness gets a bad rap?? Like it’s looked down upon if you’re too close to your loved ones??
I only ask because I had a rather interesting — and somewhat disheartening — experience while my mom was in Europe last month, and, well, it’s made me think about a lot of things ever since. Things like family and togetherness and other people’s opinions on said togetherness. Needless to say, I learned A LOT about these things while my mom was 4,300 miles away!
On the day she left, I posted a status on Facebook about how much I was going to miss her and how I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to do for an entire week with her gone. It was a genuine expression of exactly how I was feeling at the time — sad, afraid, confused, like a part of me had come undone.
Friends and family commented with things like, “Oh, you should be happy for her!” and “It’s so important for you and your mom to have separate lives…” Now, I’m sure everyone had the best of intentions with these comments, but, honestly, they all just sort of rubbed me the wrong way.
This is what I heard…
–Don’t be selfish
–Buck up!
–There is no reason you should feel that way
Throughout that next week, it started to really sink in: The three of us have worked hard to get to where we are. It wasn’t always easy and at times, things certainly got ugly. There were dark days, days when I wasn’t sure if we’d ever see the light again. Sometimes it felt like we were clawing our way out of the bottomless pit we all fell into after my dad’s death.
We’re not like other families and that’s OK. It’s something I’ve stopped apologizing for. There is no such thing as a normal family and it’s time we stop reinforcing the idea that there is. Because the beauty of family lies in its uniqueness — that’s what makes it special.
It’s not that I wasn’t happy for my mom — of course I was!!! I can be happy for her and still acknowledge that the experience was hard for me. Plus, I think some of it highlighted my disability for me, which I don’t usually even notice, and brought up some issues on that front.
It was enough to make me wonder: When did it become such a bad thing to be close to your family? And why are we sometimes so quick to say that it is a bad thing? My family knows me. They’re the only other people on this planet who have walked this journey with me, through the good times and bad, through the highs and the lows. That’s something I’m going to celebrate instead of feel guilty about.
In the end, it was my mom, naturally, who swooped in with some salient and comforting words just in time!
“There are a myriad of issues affecting our family. It’s all OK. Your feelings are your feelings…we have all come so far since Brian died. I think we are doing great!!! I’m proud of you and of Janelle, and frankly, of myself for how we are all doing.”
She also quoted Frasier, which made me laugh: “‘We’re an odd little family, aren’t we?’ Lol. We are just like the Cranes!”
Are you close to your family, friends? What do they mean to you? How has your relationships changed over the years? I hope you’re able to spend some quality time with them today — be sure to give them a BIG hug for me!! xoxo
[Top photo via We Heart It]
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Jackie says
I really enjoyed reading this, Melissa!! I feel like there should be absolutely no shame in being close to your family. I don’t live with mine anymore, but I try to see them as much as I can. Other people do make comments that I’m not as independent as they think I should be…maybe not their intentions, but that’s how it feels sometimes. I think that families who have experienced a true tragedy are often closer than others. My sister passed away 8 years ago, and I do believe that has impacted my need to be close with my parents and brothers. Life is short and unexpected, and I cherish all the time I get with family! You seem to have such a sweet mom and sister. I am very encouraged by your closeness!
MelissaBlake says
Thank you, Jackie!! Hugs to you…I’m sorry to hear about your sister. It’s a tough road sometimes, isn’t it?
L says
No but I wish I was… in fact I am a little jealous of your relationship with your mom.
Jan Barker says
This post has all the makings of a very touching essay, especially in your skilled hands. (That Fraser quote would make an excellent ending.) And bravo for you for always acknowledging that your heart speaks your truth. <3
sheri silver says
I love this Melissa – I am unbelievably close to my 2 grown kids. I often think that one of the few good things to come out of the end of my first marriage was the bond we forged as a threesome (they were 9 and 4 at the time). They’re now 26 and 21 and 2 of my favorite people in the universe. Are we ‘too close”? No way. I feel lucky. And so should you.
Ineca says
Melissa, I am happy you have a close family. I am a widow with 3 grown children. I love being part of their lives. . We don’t do everything together and I don’t live close to one of my daughters who we talk on the phone everyday since is a widow too. I love reading your writings. Your friend, Ineca
Mary Rood Saur says
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and this lesson!
Madeleine says
Your family is a team, of course you missed having your lovely mum around, that’s a perfectly valid feeling. Ignore the silly people telling you otherwise.
Wanda Giles says
Melissa, I was one of those trying to encourage you by addressing your remarkable and well-regarded personal strength. Sorry if I said anything that sounded otherwise. I think probably most people were happy for SHaron and confident in you and Janelle. (The j won’t cap for some reason) I loved Sharon’s comments, especially the Cranes one. And I love that you made it after all! (Mary Tyler Moore theme song. You were naturally apprehensive, and you did it–after all. You’re even stronger now.)
Shannon says
Lovely, Melissa! The comments rubbed me the wrong way too. You were just sharing your feelings. I see my cat every day, and if he took a trip to Europe for a week, I would miss him like crazy. And my best friend WAS in Europe for a week about a year ago, and it was weird not to talk every day!
Lisa Romeo says
A close family is a gift. No need to apologize!
My husband and I are very close to our sons, ages 19 & 23. I get annoyed when people say or hint that it’s odd that the boys seem to like spending time with their family. I consider us lucky, as you are.