MEMO TO MEN: What If There Was No Pressure?

MEMORANDUM
TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: Can I get to know you??
DATE: September 8, 2016

Inspiration can come from the strangest and most unexpected places sometimes, boys. I’ve found that I also usually find it when I’m not even looking.

Well, leave it to one of my favorite shows to hit me with a dose of creativity. This line of dialogue from Frasier has been sitting in the back of my mind for years now, burrowing itself deep in the recesses of my subconscious; I’ve mulled over the idea countless times now and came to the same conclusion time and time again.
It’s downright BRILLIANT. In season four, the ever-wise Martin Crane says the following…

I really don’t know any tricks. I mean, if a woman agreed to go out with me, I’d er, well, I’m not there to impress her or to play cool. I’m there because I want to know her; er, what she thinks; er, what she likes, so that if I’m lucky enough to get another date I can plan something that I know she’d like to do.

Seriously, it’s so completely simple and eye-opening at the same time, isn’t it? This notion that you’re not going out with someone to try and make some grand statement or out-of-this-world romantic gesture — that, maybe, things don’t have to be all that complicated in the end. I mean, it would certainly take the pressure off on my end, you know?

It sort of reminds me, too, of “Can I Get To Know You Better” by the Turtles; you don’t have any hidden agenda or ulterior motive. You want to get to know someone. Plain and simple. You don’t need to hide behind anything or even pretend to be someone you’re not, and if you ask me, that’s a very refreshing way of looking at everything. And that makes me breathe one heavy sigh of relief, let me tell you. I’ve never even been on a date and I’m already experiencing panic-induced night sweats about the whole ordeal, so I can only imagine how nerve-wracking the real thing must be.

But, really, it doesn’t need to be that way at all. When you think about it, what’s better than something that will take ALL the pressure off, let you step back and just completely relax. I know, it’s probably too good to be true — do those sorts of things actually happen in real life or are they just something you wistfully see in a Julia Roberts rom-com? It’s nice to think about, though, isn’t it? I’m not saying we have to run off and get married, boys? Heck, we might discover that we don’t even like each other all that much! All I’m saying is…let’s try. How does that sound, boys? That’s not too terribly hard now, is it? xoxo

[Top photo via We Heart It]

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Comments

  1. I think that it is nearly impossible to not feel nervous when going on a first date with somebody. But "pressure", in that sense, does not necessarily mean something negative. It can also mean that you take things seriously, that you devote your full attention to the other person involved.

    I think that if you realize that you're truly interested in the other person then things will come naturally to you. You will find something to talk about and feel at ease and be able to just be yourself. And from there you will find out where it takes you.
    Maybe you will never meet that person again (worst case scenario) or, most likely, you will meet again and maybe become friends and maybe, eventually, become partners.

    For me, it has really worked that way. Even before I knew I was falling in love with the man I'm in a relationship with now, I felt that I wanted him in my life, as a person and a friend. And now we're both lovers and friends and I wouldn't have it any other way.

    That is just my opinion but I hope that you will make a similar experience one day 🙂

    Reply

  3. Oh, Melissa. The more the months and years go by the sadder it is to see you still wondering these things in such an abstract way, still not having taken a single step toward making anything real happen. There are so many ways to meet people these days and your hundreds of letters to your "future husband" and memos to "boys" are just so much wasted cyberspace if you don't put yourself out there.

    Reply

    • While it may not be how you'd choose to live your life, I've actually never been more content or at peace with this life — MY life. What works for one person might not work for another person; life certainly isn't a one-size-fits-all thing.

      Reply

  4. Melissa, in response to the above "anonymous" comment, your posts are NEVER a waste of cyberspace. They are your thoughts and feelings, and should be expressed as such….always! That being said, I believe what this person meant to point out, is that you ARE NOT actively searching for romantic love, as your bio states. Through your countless blog posts on the subject, you have managed to understand such love posthumously and only within the realms of the fantasy that you have created through your written words. I believe, as you just stated, that you ARE quite content with the life that you live—safely at home, with mother, sister and cats. Actually finding love for you at this stage of the game would dramatically change your safe, secure world and you have no intention of ever pursuing that proactively. Because if you really, truly desired that for yourself, as the commentor stated, there are MANY ways of making that happen. For some reason, you don't ever seem to want to make that a reality.

    Reply

    • Well, through these countless Anonymous comments over the years, I've reiterated it again and again that just because my life isn't the life that you live, it doesn't make it wrong or sad or pathetic.

      You say I keep writing about the same things over and over, yet you keep posting the same things over and over. Anonymously…

      Reply

  5. I don't think anyone is saying you're wrong or pathetic, it's just the discrepancy between what you seem to want SO desperately and the fact that you don't do anything proactive to meet someone. I mean, not all of these anonymous comments are trolls but you're lumping them all in together…and avoiding the basic point they're trying to make. Just my two cents.

    Reply

    • Thanks, Tina — honestly, I haven't avoided anything. In fact, over the last 8 years, I've addressed these points hundreds of times. Maybe my answer isn't what these Anons want to hear? I'm not sure, but I'm definitely not sitting at home 24/7 and desperately pinning away for love…

      Reply

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