In Which I Reflect on My Disability...

Clarity is a funny thing. It’s something we all want, but it’s one of those things that can’t be rushed. It’s going to come in its own sweet time. Still, that doesn’t stop us from constantly looking for that light bulb moment.

Eventually, that light bulb moment comes shining through — sometimes, just when you need it the most. I was doing some cleaning over the weekend and came across these words. I wrote them some six years ago, when I was deep in the throes of my depression.

I hate my disability right now. I always thought I had come to terms with it and even learned to love it, but now it just makes me feel useless, like some giant waste of space. What is my purpose? How can I be a contributing member of society? I just want to make my family proud, and I feel like I’m letting them down.

And speaking of family, I touched on them, too…

I worry about my family. I feel so traumatized by my father’s death, and I’m scared that those panicky feelings are never going to go away. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to feel like I’m sinking. But at the same time, I also don’t want to be a burden to the people I love the most in the whole world. We used to be so happy — nothing bad, it seemed, ever happened to us — and now I don’t know how we’ll ever make it to the other side of this journey. I need my family. I need them more than they probably even realize. I need them to tell me everything is going to be OK. I need them to love me. I need them to hold onto me so I can just stop sinking. And sometimes, I just want to sit with them and cry — cry on their shoulders and just get all my worries out.

It’s interesting that I’d choose to focus on something like my disability, especially considering all the emotions running through me at the time. But maybe it was important that I dealt with these feelings then because it helped give me such a clear sense of clarity now.

It’s strange how things work out like that sometimes, isn’t it? Have you ever felt like this, friends? How did your moment of clarity arrive? xoxo

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