Let’s just get the obvious out of the way first: You all have been working pretty hard — I’m especially looking at you, Ryan Seacrest. For some 13 years, you’ve brought fun and music into living rooms all across America and launched the careers of some of the finest untapped talent this generation has ever seen. You had a few off years, sure, but haven’t we all? That’s life and entertainment — we can’t always be perfect.
But there is one thing that transcends all these missteps and foibles over the years. It’s the most surefire way to go out with a bang. To go out on a high note, if you will — pun intended. My idea? It’s not so much a strategy as it is a person. One specific person, actually. This person would bring in ratings galore, would leave the crowds speechless and, dare I say it, even leave old Simon Cowell blushing should he make an appearance in one of his classic white shirts.
Are you ready for my revolutionary idea? Umm, you might want to sit down for this.
My idea is, well…ME…
Even though the auditions for the final season have already taken place, I wanted to throw my hat in the ring. You know, on the off chance that you’d be willing to make a tiny little exception. What? No? Just read these four key reasons and you might find yourself singing a different tune (again, pun intended)…
1. I know all the lyrics to an embarrassing number of songs: Power ballads. Show tunes. Taylor Swift. Sometimes I feel like a walking karaoke machine with all these songs rumbling around in my brain. And even better? I’ve been known to spontaneously burst into song at any time — and sing said song from beginning to end. Call it a talent if you’d like; I just call it passion.
2. I have a semi-talent for singing: Not to toot my own horn or anything, but my vocal cords are pretty adept when it comes to carrying a tune. Granted, I don’t possess the powerhouse pipes of a certain Carrie Underwood or the sassy attitude of one Kelly Clarkson, but I do sing with a whole lot of gusto and passion, so I figure that has to count for something, right? At the very least, I’m a lot better than some of those rag tags I’ve seen come through the audition room. Again, I’m not trying to be overly boastful here, but it is the truth.
3. I’ll bring diversity to the competition: I hate to use my disability in this way, but let’s be real for a hot minute — you’ve never ready featured singers with disabilities. Why? I’ve always wondered that since I’m quite sure there are many of us out there. Don’t you think it’s time to give us a chance? Why not start with me? I’d be more than willing to be the representative sample.
4. I’m somewhat of a super fan: Here’s where I’m really hoping to sell you on my idea. I’ve watched every season, own multiple albums and, obviously, know all the words to Carrie Underwood biggest hits. I’ve lived and breathed this show over the years, which I think puts me in the perfect position to sell it to the rest of America. They deserve to experience the spectacle, the fanfare, the gorgeously coiffed hair of Jennifer Lopez. I can deliver that to the people. But most importantly, I want to. I would most definitely consider it an honor.
So, American Idol execs, if you’re reading this, I do hope you’ll at least consider my proposal. I’ve drafted it with the utmost love and admiration for a show that has meant so much to me for more than a decade. Best of luck to you on the final season and thank you for the memorable television.