Letters To My Future Husband: Letter #164.

Well, Sweetpea, here we are — Christmas Eve 2012. I know I say this every darn year (and it probably makes me sound like an old woman…), but where does the time go? It seems like it was only last year. Does time go fast wherever you are? Wherever we are?

It’s shaping up to be a rather bittersweet Christmas this year. I’m still getting over this wretched cold that’s been plaguing me for nearly a week now. One thing you should most definitely know about me is when it comes to being sick — colds, flues, hang nails — I tend to be a rather, ummm, difficult patient. My theory? I used up all my brave faces during my hospital days, so now, the well is pretty dry. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not completely fargone when I’m sick — let’s just say I’ve mastered the art of whining, and my catchphrase has become, “I’m never going to get better.” My mom and I were both sick with colds and kept arguing about who was the sickest. I think I won…well, that’s what I’ve chosen to believe, at least.

And yesterday, my grandfather collapsed and was taken to the hospital. They found a mass in his lung and are going to run more tests today. Needless to say, I hate being this far away from him. I keep picturing him all by himself in his hospital room; it’s amazing how much bigger those 1,000 miles feel when something like this happens.

My sister remarked this morning that the holidays are hard for us, and she’s right. Sure, I remember all the good times we had, but I also remember the not-so-good times. This year marks the 10th anniversary of my father’s cancer diagnosis. No matter how bright the Christmas tree (and trust me, ours is bright this year…) or how gorgeous the snowflakes, there’s no way to fully escape certain memories. And maybe I don’t want to escape those memories. Maybe I know that pushing them aside wouldn’t be at all healthy in the end, that it would only cause more heartache later on down the line. So, I suppose I try to integrate those feelings into the holidays this year — letting them simmer on the surface, but not fester too deeply. Does that make sense, Sweetpea? I hope you have a wonderful holiday, wherever you are. And of course, I can’t wait for our first holiday together. Until we meet… xoxo

[Photos via Le Love]