A few weeks ago, I wrote about coming to terms with my disability for xoJane. I’m so excited to be writing for them again this week, friends. The topic? Virginity.Virgin. Virginity. The V-card.
Just those words alone are somewhat taboo in our society, aren’t they? The kind of words that are meant to be uttered in hushed tones, if you’re even bold enough to say them in the first place. But if you think about it, virginity — at least the discussion of it — is a pretty hard thing to escape. But I’ve always been old-fashioned when it comes to love, which has also made me old-fashioned about sex and the first time. My failure to do the deed, some may say, spells out a future of lonely nights and unsatisying relationships. That, and several cats on my lap.
But thanks to new research, I’ve got happiness on my side. Research from the University of Texas found that those who wait to have sex until their 20s are more likely to enjoy a happy, satisfying relationship later in life than those who have sex in their teens.
“Individuals who first navigate intimate relationships in young adulthood, after
they have accrued cognitive and emotional maturity, may learn more effective
relationship skills than individuals who first learn scripts for intimate
relationships while they are still teenagers,” says lead researcher Dr. Paige Harden.
How old were you when you lost your virginity, friends? Was it how you imagined it would be? Looking back, do you think you were too young? If you’re still a virgin, is that a conscious decision that you’ve made? I’d love to hear your story! xoxo
P.S. More virginity talk, including myths, taboos and misconceptions.
[Via Glamour; photos via We Heart It]
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Holly says
Great post! I totally agree! I think the more mature you are that means you will be more able to appreciate it and respect it, as it is not something to be taken lightly (although our modern society, unfortunately, does seem to take it so lightly).
Blond Duck says
I'm a nerd. I only slept with one guy and I married him.
Nicole Jeannette says
I was and am 25 and it was on my wedding night! What up!
Chloe Moon says
I was 18. I feel like I was ready because I knew all the facts. It was my choice and I used protection and was aware of the consequences. I think girls think "Oh what the hell" and just go for it. It's a big step and people need to take a second and think about it. =)
Anonymous says
I was 14. MUCH…MUCH too young. It was with my first love, and that I won't ever regret. I didn't feel pressured to do it. We felt like we were ready, and could handle anything. If I could tell my younger self to wait, I would. I would scream it! I would tell me that I wasn't ready, that I was putting so much of me at risk. I am 40 now and can clearly see now, how that "moment" would come to shape my self esteem, and my subsequent relationships. I had a great childhood, colourful young adult-hood, and now am married and have a wonderful family.
Wendy says
18, he was my first love and I ended up marrying him. (We're divorced now but still friends)
I waited for the right time and the right one and to be in love. No regrets. 🙂
Sofia says
The article also says that people who wait until their 20's are less likely to be married. I take it all with a grain of salt. As for me I was 16. I didn't feel pressured, I never regretted it. It felt healthy and exciting to explore my sexuality at that age. I'm married now and I'm glad that I was able to experience sexual partners other than my husband. I think it gave me real appreciation for what we have. Sex between consenting people that is respectful is an amazing thing! Regardless of whether it is true love or a lifelong commitment.
Sofia says
Also it might be an interesting discussion to consider the concept of "emotional age". What a person is ready for at age 16 is obviously entirely different from any other individual. Past experience, biology etc really informs your emotional age I think.
Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird says
I feel like I'm one of the lucky ones that not only had an amazing first kiss but also had an amazing first time. I was 19 the first time I had sex and despite the fact that I'm not longer with that person I still look back with fond memories.
I don't think it's necessarily the AGE of the person but the maturity level.
Elsa de Diego says
The study is certainly interesting. I lost mine in the early twenties. I guess that whatever it may have happened in the past, we can evolve and grow from that. I still think that my sexuality doesn't define me as a woman, and I am not sure how my sexual past (or lackofthereof!) may impact my current relationship. As much as I love statistics, I do believe that every story is different… Muah!
Anonymous says
I was 16, almost 17. It was my first love and we eventually married a year or so later. I don't really regret it, it was something I wanted to do, planned for, had protection, all of that. It was a great experience, one I was ready for and could handle. Unfortunately, after a few years of marriage, it didn't work out and we parted ways when I was 24.
My next serious relationship I waited until the wedding night and I was 27. I waited because I wanted to "do it right this time" and that backfired terribly. There was just no real chemistry in the bedroom, something I could have NEVER anticipated. We stuck it out for 8 years together, although happy we were estranged in the bedroom and we too parted ways.
Now I'm in my late 30s, in my third serious relationship and we waited about a month before our first time together. No plans to get married, even here almost three years later. So far so good!
Anonymous says
I think you will die a virgin. First off, it is almost impossible for any guy to get past your wheelchair. Your infantile concepts of relationships will turn anyone off, assuming they can get past your disability. Being naked in front of someone is a huge risk. You cannot hide your flaws with clothes. I don't think you can let yourself be that vulnerable in front of someone, whether or not love is involved.
Charlotte says
Anon, why would you say such terrible things to someone? Would you say it to Melissa's face? No, you wouldn't, you wouldn't have the courage. Does it not occur to you that the people you talk to online are real human beings with feelings?
Elsa de Diego says
OMG…that Anon…how can u write stuff like that? How can you possibly have so much hate inside? God bless you Melissa! 🙂 Much love!
silverthoughts2 says
I was 27. It was not a thought out decision at all, I was in a bad place emotionally and mentally due to my living situation and I reacted by hopping in bed with the guy I was casually dating at the time…and then before he left, we casually parted ways (I ended up moving home less than a month later and we did not want to deal with a long distance relationship) and I kind of wondered if I had made a mistake in doing what I did…
fast forward a few years, and that casual boyfriend I lost my virginity to ended up being my husband…and my mistake ended up being one of the best mistakes I've ever made in my life.
~Azucar~ says
It took me up until this year (I am 29…) for me to lose my virginity. Partially, I guess you can say that I felt it took me a long time. It wasn't like I made a choice not to have sex or anything, it just never really happened. The guy I lost my virginity to is actually one of my friends. Maybe FwB isn't best choice, but for me it has opened my eyes a bit… and I feel a lot more open than I did before… and I think the choice was worth it.
Anonymous says
I don't really thinking being a virgin or not is a big deal. What saddens me is when people think that they need to lie about it to fit in given that it's such a personal choice. I say do it when it feels right for you and whether it's special or not is something that's part of your personal belief system, no one else's.
For me, it wasn't something special. I lost it at 20 because I was curious and not holding on to it for any particular reason (religious, moral, etc.). I'm super glad that I did it, like Azucar I think it left me more open.
Anonymous says
I was 20 and it was with my second serious boyfriend. We waited 4 months and we were both virgins. Unfortunately, the sexual part of our relationship wasn't good for him and even though the rest of our relationship was great, he broke up with me 6 months later. I don't regret it because I loved him very much. We're still really close friends. It really hurt that that was the reason for our break up, but I guess it really is that important and sometimes the chemistry just isn't right.