TO: Men all over the planet
RE: Don’t ask, don’t tell
DATE: October 31, 2012
Navigating love and life can be difficult, boys. Troublesome, even. I know this all too well, and I’m sure you do too. Sometimes, you just don’t know what to do, say or act. And more importantly? Sometimes, you just don’t know when to keep your mouth shut. Now, before you go on believing that I’ve never fallen victim to this mistake…trust me, I have. Far too many times. In fact, I’m not sure I could even count the number of times I’ve opened my mouth at the wrong time, only to have the wrong words come flowing out. It’s not very much fun when you find yourself in this situation. In fact, things tend to get downright awkward really, really, really quickly. So, in an effort to save you some of the humiliation I suffered, here are four questions you should think twice about before asking on that all-important first date…
Why aren’t you married yet? Is it a fear of commitment [or insert you own reason here]?
I can almost guarantee that both men and women get this question enough from other people in their lives, so there’s really no need to put her under the spotlight. This question should be off-limits on first dates. Can you imagine it coming up between talk of your favorite bands and the dessert? I’m not sure if I’d be more offended or annoyed, but one thing’s for sure: I don’t think I’ll be dreaming of that second date.
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Don’t get me wrong — this is a good question. A great one, actually, and one that should be the topic of conversation at some point early in the relationship. But I’m still not convinced that the first date is the appropriate time for it. You’re still getting to know each other. And honestly, some days, even I don’t know where my life with take me over the next 10 years.
Are you a virgin?
If a guy asked me this on a first date, I’d probably choke on my appetizer. I’m all for honesty, but there are just some things that deserve a little mystery. The Big V, boys, is one of them.
Who are you voting for in this election?
I couldn’t resist this one, especially with the presidential election coming up. It’s fine to hold your own beliefs, and it could even be fun to get into a spirited debate. But this debate should take place much later, once you two are more comfortable with each other.
…and one “if-y” question if you’re friends with a woman
So what do you think? She’s great, isn’t she?
You’ll probably be asking this question to one of your best girl friends after introducing them to your new girlfriend. We’ve talked about the very fragile tightrope that is the girlfriend vs. girl friend, and if your girl friend is, in fact, just a friend, then everything will be fine and dandy. But on the off chance that your friend doesn’t exactly see you in a “friend” way anymore? Well, you may have just unknowingly opened a huge can of worms.
[Photos via We Heart It]
I love this topic, Melissa! I can definitely identify with number one, but in the sense that a guy will tell me "You're so hot! What's a gorgeous girl like you still doing single?"
I also agree that the virginity question is inappropriate for the first date; it's none of the guy's business, and it makes him come off very creepy.
I say you do another post like this, but title it "Things not to say or ask when you first meet a woman" I'd definitely give a few pointers 🙂
Chic 'n Cheap Living says
Agreed – the first date should be fun and light. None of the questions are first date questions.
I would probably add something about how much money the other person makes is never a first date question too!
Chic 'n Cheap Living
People don't ask the virginity question on the first date. The assumption is that the answer is no.
Dancing Branflake says
Great post, Melissa! I want to share this with all my guy friends!
The virgin question, lol! Never good to ask on a first date! And politics should be avoided t all costs.
For some reason, this post made me think of Top Hat; that classic Fred Astaire movie. There is a scene where Fred pretends to remember a tryst he had with Ginger Rogers in Paris. Earlier, he had revealed to his agent that he hadn't been in Paris since childhood. Ginger Rogers was using the Paris rouse to catch Fred in a lie. Fred smiles at her and says, "You've put on a little weight since Paris, haven't you?"
I love reading your blog, but I feel that your life is stagnant right now. Stop writing about what men should not ask women, or your idea of a perfect date. Go out and actually TALK to men and GO on a date.
I understand that you have the right to move at your own pace, but I just want you to be happy and find Mr. Blake. Working from home, hanging out with your mom, playing with your cats will not bring you any closer to finding him. You should interact more with the outside world (outside of your blog) and try to make make human connections.
As a stepping stone, you should try online dating because it is a great tool to meet new people outside of your social circle. I found my boyfriend that way, there's nothing wrong with using technology to find romance.
Melissa, reading these posts honestly makes me pity you and I never wanted to feel that way about you. But what the above "anon" says is very true…this is the same thing over and over and over again with your blog. You deserve the right to move at your own pace, but we're talking YEARS now and it's the same lament……"When will I have my first date EVER???". I've told you this thousands of times….and I'll say it again. Unless you branch out…leave the house, expand your social contacts, try something different or YES!!!!! on-line dating….that first date will forever remain a fantasy that you write about but you'll never have the pleasure to experience. I wish much more for you out of life! I say this will all respect. Thank-you.
Melissa Blake says
Hi Anon — thanks for the advice. I'm in a really good place in my life right now and am really content with things. I do feel happy, which is something I've always strived for! 🙂
I've always tried to make my blog as well-rounded as possible so it truly reflects my life. But of course, I don't give a play-by-play of every single day and everything I do. How boring would that be? Instead, I try to offer snapshots in time of my life. For example, last week alone, I got together with a friend from high school, had lunch with another friend and volunteered at my church one morning, but i didn't devote an entire post to that. But rest assured, though, that I AM getting out and interacting with people — i think i'd go crazy if i didn't HA! 🙂
Hope this answers your questions! xoxo
There is a difference between spending time with friends and going on a date. I know that you have people in your life who loves you, but I also know (based on the multiple entries in your blog and over 100 "Letters to my future husband") that you want a ROMANTIC CONNECTION.
You cannot make a romantic connection unless to get out there and meet men. Talk to men, go on dates. I strongly encourage you to try online dating in the hopes that you will meet a nice man. Why not? What are you afraid of?
How does a first date advice post reflect your life?
It doesn't, and I'm not saying that to be mean, just to point out that it comes off more forced because it's not from your experience. I'd rather read a post about something you did.
AN OPEN LETTER TO FRIENDS OF MELISSA BLAKE:
And I'm sorry, but I direct this only to close, personal and tangible friends….
Why have you NOT introduced her to someone? Why has no one arranged a blind date for Melissa? Why has no one thrown a party and invited eligible men for her to meet? Why has no one taken her out to a club to mingle with people her own age? Doesn't anyone have a friend, brother, cousin, uncle, co-worker, hairdresser, tax accountant, professor, dog groomer, car-wash attendant, lawn maintenance worker, pool cleaner, house painter or ex-husband they could introduce Melissa to??? Come on people……..surely you must know SOMEONE who would like a date with a nice young lady?????????
disabled girl anon says
I wouldn't choose online dating mostly because I don't like and I cannot talk about myself/present myself, show any pics of myself and so on. You don't seem to have problems with any of above.
I understand some of your concerns though. Dating sites aren't very forgiving when it comes to judging people by how they look. It's no different from the reality to me. Also, I don't like this 'I LOOK FOR A GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND, NOW!' attitude. Dating is not like a sweetshop full of items that you are forced to choose from. But maybe that's how life works for real…
If you're really not into dating right now (because you have other things in life that satisfy you), maybe you should stop writing about love. Because, besides pointless chatting about things in the comments, it doesn't provide any NEW or useful/interesting content to the blog. You should also notice that most of the commenters you have (both anonymous and not anonymous) are people who ARE actually dating/being in a relationship, and even though they agree with you it's not like you can be any sort of a dating guru. Don't get me wrong, your writing about relationships/dating is just too general, too "what if…", if you know what I mean. Also, one of your short bios (can't remember when I found it, sorry) says that you have published for a "parenting/pregnancy magazines". Have you really written articles on parenting issues? I know you had a great childchood/your parents had a perfect marriage/you've learnt so much from them, but wow, do you really feel like a right person to do that?
I would SO MUCH love to see if you'll find your Mr Right in the future. Hopefully you are going to continue blogging so I can still read it and hopefully find out about that. I just wanted to say that your story has been really close to my heart for the last 2 years. I can somehow relate to many things you've been through, and if you can win in the dating field and find a guy, that means there is also a chance for me. 🙂
But it doesn't mean that I'm not critical when I read some of your stuff. You should let people comment negatively on what you write AND EVEN ON WHAT YOU THINK. People are different. They are trying to help you. I am. Having a chance to discuss/talk to you is priceless to me and means a lot, even if I don't agree with you.
Have a great day,
disabled girl anon
Hello! Your writing style is nice, but your content is sorely lacking. All these posts about dating, marriage, love are just not credible coming from you. Every relationship is unique. What works for one won't work for another. You say your parents had a "perfect marriage", but I'd be willing to bet you have no idea what went on behind closed doors. And why should you?? It's a private matter between the two involved. You can spend all your time writing about the "what if's" and "when's", but until you actually cross that line into reality, what are you actually gaining by listening to the experiences of others??? Personally, I think you must get some kind of odd satisfaction living your life vicariously through the actions of others. Don't you want to be a part of the best thing life has to offer? Relations with family are wonderful, but oh my goodness…to wake up every day with your soulmate by your side? Nothing can compare, Melissa.
Melissa Blake says
Hi, disabled girl anon — a few years ago, i did write an article for Pregnancy magazine. The article was a reported piece on birth order, so it wasn't, obviously, from my own personal experience. I interviewed experts in the field; journalists write those sorts of articles all the time! 🙂
Melissa Blake says
p.s. and this post was meant to be my own opinion of the questions I wouldn't want to be asked on a first date. xoxo
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In my dating days, I was asked more than once why I wasn't married. Ummm…because I've never been asked? Because I haven't bee lucky enough to meet the right person? Wish I'd had the nerve to reply, "Because I was waiting for YOU!" and then laugh as he ran away… 🙂