Letters To My Future Husband: Letter #150.

Dear Mr. Melissa Blake:
Well, Sweetpea, today marks my 30th Valentine’s Day eating from my small box of assorted chocolates as a singleton. It’s sort of weird to fathom. As I sat in the waiting room this morning waiting to get my blood drawn (ironic, on Valentine’s Day, I know…), I watched as several beautifully decorated bouquets arrived for doctors, nurses and lab technicians. You’d think it would have made my heart ache just a teeny tiny bit.

Surprisingly, it didn’t. At all. A few years ago, I may have ended up a puddle of tears right there on that linoleum floor, scared that love would never find me, that I’d be left to live the rest of my days as a spunky spinster and waxing poetic about how I was just generally unlovable.
But not this year. I’ve vowed to embrace my singlehood. And you know what, Sweetpea? It all feels very liberating. It makes me want to burst into song a la a Broadway musical. Now, it doesn’t mean I’m not looking forward to meeting you, or that I don’t need you in my life because I am — and I do. I suppose it’s just that right now, in 2012, I’m realizing that my world isn’t going to end if I’m unattached for awhile. I’m probably the one making a big deal of it, not everyone else. Maybe I just need to live and let things fall place naturally.

But I do wonder: At what age do you qualify for spinsterhood? I can’t help but laugh at the thought of that. After all, if you don’t laugh, you cry, right, Sweetpea? Until we meet…

P.S. Oh shoot, Crimson and Clover just came on the radio on the way home. Is that a message from you? What? You don’t know about my secret wish to have that as our wedding song? Well, more on that later?… 🙂

[Photos via We Heart It]

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Comments

  3. Pat B. says

    Hey, Melissa:

    So beautifully written. I love your writing. For a few moments, while I'm reading your letters or thoughts on something, I'm taken away to other places and forget about my troubles and problems. I wish for you to find the love of your life and hear Crimson and Clover on your wedding day. You are a beautiful person. It will come to you.

    Reply

  7. Anonymous says

    Katie is so right. I love the last sentence. I shall claim it as my own. I think Pat B meant to say you are beautiful on the inside. That's all well and good, but if your outer beauty doesn't match your inner beauty, your chances drop down in the slim to none range. It's like standing in the cold drizzly rain waiting to get into the coolest club. The doorman is standing guard saying the place is filled to capacity. Imagine your jealousy when beautiful (outside at least) people are immediately ushered in while you have been standing outside for hours. That is what love is like for us.

    Reply

  8. Mo says

    Great post! I really do pray your love finds you when it's the right time. But it is also quite important to be content single or attached, so I'm glad you're embracing you're embracing life as is. Great attitude.

    Reply

  11. Rational Mind says

    Hey Melissa,
    It's good to face your fears and come to such conclusions like the one you stated in this post.
    But doesn't your depression actually stem from all the facts that you're denying? I mean, you don't care about your singleness, you don't care about what men think of your appearance, you try to admire your disability. And it's all good, but you don't always have to be like that. It's a bit like fooling yourself. I write this as I am a wheelchair user myself, no rudeness here. One of my guy friends once told me that he respects me for my authenticity. I am all real with my insecurities, I don't accept my condition. I noticed that all of the posts about your depression is marked with the "disability" tag. I don't know if it's because depression may be called some kind of a "disability" OR that you're depressed because of your disorder! Telling yourself that everything is okay, and that you don't care & all the encouragement from your readers & stuff like that won't change anything. Yes, you're strong, because you live, work and TRY to find a solution for your problems. But I wonder what would happen if you gave up on your blog for a while, let's say, 6 months. Then you would come back and see if something would have changed in your life by the time. You'd probably feel very lonely without the activity of blogging, I know it's some sort of therapy to you. I myself also have a lot of stuff to rant and rave about (due to my disability) but I won't probably start a blog. Because by every single post I'd wrote (And I'd probably write thousands of them, like you) I'd feel like my life hasn't changed from this… At all. But, yeah. Just my thoughts.
    Take care!

    Reply

  12. Anonymous says

    Melissa: rock on. I don't have any disabilities and you could probably even call me one of the "pretty people" and I'll admit that there are a lot of things in my life that are easier because of those two statements. But they have not made me exempt from anxiety or depression, and while I am in a wonderful relationship I'm also confident that our love is based on more than just looks and that my partner and I would stand by each other no matter what (depression, disability, illness). We all have times in our life where we must actively decide to be happy rather than sad, no matter who we are and what we are dealing with. Other posters may think that the lifestyle and attitudes that work for them must work for everyone but that is not the case. Keep doing exactly what you need to in your life to be happy (you'll know what this is better than anyone).

    Reply

  15. Melissa Blake says

    Rational — interesting points. I'll expand more about this topic in a future Question of the Week, but briefly: My depression doesn't stem from my disability. I'll be the first to admit that I have insecurities when it comes to my disability, but I do accept the fact that I'm disabled. That isn't going to change any time soon…

    I tagged those posts with disability because depression is a disability. 🙂

    Reply

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