TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: The art of assertiveness
DATE: November 29, 2011
A male Facebook friend posted this status update yesterday: Guys like girls who are assertive.
I sat there for a moment, wondering if this was some sort of trippy, psychedelic, Age-of-Aquarius dream, because honestly, boys, I was a bit worried that this was too good to be true.
And then I realized: It was true! Said male also went on to say that it’s actually a turn-off when a woman lacks assertiveness. You have no idea how utterly happy this made me, boys. For so long, women have fallen into believing the evil stereotype that they’ll get a “reputation” if they’re labeled assertive. A woman can be assertive in every other aspect of her life, but when it comes to love? Well, she must always be the utmost damsel in distress, letting men do all the courting. Now, I’ll admit that I may be shy (OK, extremely shy…) when it comes to love, but I sometimes wonder how much of that is my actual personality and how much of it comes from societal influences. Maybe I thought my disability would be enough of an obstacle in the dating world, and to add an assertiveness personality to the mix would just complicate things even further. So maybe I held back, boys. Perhaps I held back a bit too long. After all, I’m slowly starting to realize that I sort of have quite a few years to catch up on. Maybe adding another dash of assertiveness into my bag of tricks wouldn’t be such a bad idea. What do you think, boys?
But I do wonder: How assertive is too assertive? I still fear the stigma of the Eager Beaver Syndrome — and yes, I think I’ve coined that term myself. Does that even exist anymore? Are there certain things you’d prefer women to be the assertive ones in?
In the end, I suppose I should just remind you again, for reinforcement purposes: Assertive women are not creatures to be feared. We’re not going to pounce on you like wild lions and tigers and bears (Oh my!) in the jungle. We’re more civilized than that; well, I am, at least. Sometimes, we just know exactly what (or who…) we want, and our natural inclination is to go after it. If we’re being honest here, wouldn’t you do the same thing? You are the ones to do the chasing most of the time, so why not let us take the lead? I do give you one warning, though: I’m pretty adorable when I’m at my most persistent, so I doubt you’ll ever be able to put up much of a fight. Are you ready, boys… xoxo
[Photos via We Heart It]
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My Kind-of, Sort-of, Maybe New Haircut
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So About What I Said Is Getting a New Home!
Just M says
I posted a whole long comment then deleted it by accident.
So, as I was saying, I am an assertive woman. I joke about how I have educated myself out of the dating pool. I have worked hard to own my own home and have a successful career and now that I am single with no children, I find myself being told that I intimidate. I'm that girl that all of my guy friends say is the perfect girl that has everything going for her but when it all boils down to it, no one knows how to handle me. I know what I want and I am willing to ask for it and go for it. It's not that I have high expectations it's just that so many don't live up to them.
Someone told me yesterday that "expectations are resentments waiting to happen." I had to laugh at that and then think about the truth of it.
Being assertive is hard to do when often times it only gets you seemingly no where. But I won't stop. Neither should you.
Dinx says
I have to say that I am a very assertive woman, but through much experience, first person and third, I've mostly found that guys only find an assertive woman sexy to a certain point, because they still can't handle being emasculated, not the tiniest bit. For example, my friend we'll call her "Jane" is the most assertive girl IN THE WORLD! And she can get most guys she sets her eye on, and they will think her assertiveness very sexy until about the third date when they realise her assertiveness has no place for their own masculinity, then they tend to skip.
xoxo
Melissa Blake says
M, i love how you've educated yourself out of the dating pool! That's great! 🙁
Melissa Blake says
Dinx, that's so true! xoxo
Beautiful Things says
Assertiveness is a very good thing but too many women confuse assertiveness with aggression and selfishness. I've seen a lot of men walk away from aggressive women but the women in question always console themselves by saying, 'It's because I'm too assertive'.
Assertiveness coupled with confidence and a mindfulness for the foibles of others is a very attractive thing. Aggression and a disregard for the feelings of others isn't.
Anonymous says
Well-written post, but I am curious…..now that you have contemplated the merits of assertiveness, how exactly do you plan to incorporate that into your quest to find someone to date? Are you actually planning to ask someone out? Would you be so bold as to send a guy a drink in a club or restaurant? A flirty note left on a windshield? Are you finally going to go on-line to strike up a possible relationship? Celebrating and recognizing assertiveness is one thing, and you accomplished that quite adequately in this post, but now let's see you actually put that into practice and see where it takes you. Throw caution to the wind….take a chance…..step out of your comfort zone world of magazines and tv sitcoms, be daring, be confident, do something spontaneous!! Because, with all due respect, you are still WRITING about a life you desire and DOING very little to make that happen for you. Good luck!
Anonymous says
Great post, Melissa. By assertive, do you mean confident? I totally agree with Beautiful Things – I tend to associate the word with aggressiveness. My first thought of an assertive woman is a woman sending back her entree 5 times because it's not cooked to her liking. Interesting to think about…
Confidence is always good, and I think it's a seperate thing from being shy or quiet. Some guys may prefer a quieter gal (like myself) but not a helpless one.
Crazy side note: I looked up the definition of assertive and this advertisement popped up:
Why Men Pull Away
10 Ugly Mistakes Women Make That Ruins Any Chances Of A Relationship
CatchHimAndKeepHim.com
Woah! Crazy, right?
Anonymous says
It's good to be assertive and know what it is in your life you're not willing to compromise on. I think a lot of guys do like women who are assertive, but we women also need to understand that men also need to feel assertive. I made the first move with my boyfriend, but he said I love you first. I started the "let's move in conversation" but I know he'd be really devastated if I were the one to propose. Ideally we should all be assertive when it comes to leading the life we want, but a relationship often means taking turns so both parties feel like their needs are being met, and it can be a really tricky dance!
Melissa Blake says
second-to-last anon — that ad is soooo freaky! LOL
Melissa Blake says
Last anon — you're right. it's all about balance, i think. 🙂
Anonymous says
I agree with anonymous above. Did this inspire you to do something assertive in your life? I wish that you would put more action into these blog posts instead of more thought. It's clear that you've spent a lot of time analyzing everything about your life, your future, and your possibilities, but you haven't actually done anything to make those things happen. I would love to see a post a like this with a note at the end that details what action you're going to take to be more assertive. It doesn't have to be in romantic relationships! It could be I'm going to ask my boss for a raise, I'm ask for a refund for this product that didn't work, I'm going to tell this person that I like this thing about them or don't like this thing about them.
Many poster keep encouraging you to go out and do more things. Would you at least address why you won't do that?
Melissa Blake says
Last Anon — just because i don't about things on my blog doesn't mean i don't do them. this blog obviously can't be a 24/7 account of my life. i do plenty of things you mentioned, returning products and complimenting someone. Contrary to what you may think, i don't live under a rock or in a cave. I do get out and live my life. Shocking, i know.
What baffles me is why you care so much that I do more things. this seems to be causing you quite a bit of stress.
Anonymous says
Melissa, I'm not the previous Anon who posted, but this is just my opinion about your question:
I care about whether or not you "do more things| because from reading your blog for a while, it's clear that you're yearning for a life that you don't have yet (by the way, I can completely relate to that). By that I mean, you write letters to your future husband so you clearly want to get married, but you aren't in a relationship yet.
The only way to sort of transform your life into something more like you want (i.e. to find a husband), is to DO stuff. You have to make things happen by doing things, you just can't wait for things to happen to you. I've learned this in my life.
Of course you don't write about every single thing that you do on your blog, that would be silly 🙂 It just seems that since you chronicle your husband-finding mission a lot, one might assume that if there were any new developments, you would write about them. But of course you don't have to! 🙂
Anyways, I hope you don't see this as a mean-spirited post!!
Bill Brenne says
I don’t know who to talk to, where. My name is Bill. I live in New Orleans and am from western Oregon. I grew up in conditions that were maybe as restrictive as a person could find in a home environment, which translated into no friends at school, and having to have help just to leave home. Before that happened, one day I knew that, short of running away–unthinkable to me–there was simply no way to leave home–which inevitably translated into my getting unexpected help in order to do so. When I left home, everyone spoke perfectly good English, yet it was white noise at the same time, since it came from a context that I had no familiarity with. I couldn’t control my emotions and was forced into behind-the-scenes jobs, where I spent 20+ years exploring emotions–what they are and what they’re for. That doesn’t seem to be important to others, but it was to me. When I left home (with the help of Christians, who put me up for free for nine months, until I could get a job and live on my own), I was invited to “mingle” in group social situations. I was repelled by this.
It was years later that the xxxx hit the fan, and I was faced with the fact that I wasn’t “normal”. I understood that men are “supposed to” lead and be the head of the household, and maybe in another life I might have. But I knew that unless a person is immersed in the world of people that there is simply no chance in hell of this taking place. To be honest, being basically an outsider, my deepest longings are for a woman to be in the driver’s seat in every way, but i understand that that’s a cultural no-no.
Am I making sense? What do I do??