TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: The power of jealousy
DATE: August 25, 2011
I’ve never fancied myself the jealous type, boys. I just simply didn’t get jealous. And I was quite proud of myself, actually. I felt like I’d been able to swiftly escape that deathly trap people can fall into — both men and women — where their eyes get as green as the Green Lantern’s leather suit itself. Nope, boys. That was never going to be me. Never in a million years. I would use all of my own superpowers to resist it.
I was doing quite well, actually. I let things roll off my back here, and slide easily away there. Well, that was until a few encounters with a few certain boys last year. In the span of one week alone, I had not one, but two (yes, TWO, boys! ) guys tell me about their love lives. One guy told me he had a girlfriend. Another told me he had a date for the upcoming weekend. And it seemed like all I could do was sit there and smile, not because I really wanted to, but because, well, I couldn’t think of a more appropriate reaction. Honestly. I had zero idea of how to answer. It was as if my brain had become a blank slate in the span of just 30 seconds, reminiscent of those long, awkward and vacant silences and stares featured on The Hills. I’m pretty sure the guys thought I just didn’t have anything to say or simply didn’t care.
But the thing was, I did care. Did I mention these confessions came right out of the blue? Were they trying to make me jealous? If so, it, well, may have sort of, kind of, worked. A little. And even worse? I. Hate. That. It. Got. To. Me.
So tell me, boys: Is this some sort of wooing tactic I’m not aware of? I’m not sure I care for it much. I don’t like the idea of women always feeling like they have to be in competition with each other. In my case, it wasn’t like I even wanted to date these guys; some sort of switch just clicked in me and sent my jealousy radar on high. Are we programmed to automatically become jealous and territorial, boys? Is it something we have no control over and are powerless in avoiding? What should I have said to those two boys? I’d love to hear… xoxo
[Photos via Le Love]
Office Love.
Daily Affirmation #17.
HiLLjO says
I would have said, "Oh, hope you have fun this weekend. There'd be no hoping if we were to hang out!"
We are women; we're programmed to want what others have! lol
Wendy says
Please don't take what I'm about to express the wrong way- I don't think they were trying to make you jealous. I think they had/have something you long for and you probably found the conversations to be frustrating. Don't beat yourself up over being a little envious, it happens to all of us.
As far as what to say, I would have told the guy going on a date to have fun and the guy in the relationship that you are happy he found a great girl.
Melissa Blake says
you're right, wendy! and so true about wanting what we can't have! 🙂
Shia says
Did you ever watch Sex and the City? Did you see that episode where Samantha says…I hate it when men do that. "I have a girlfriend." Calm down, I just asked if that seat was taken! It's funny how true that show really is!
Sophie Delphis says
They were probably not trying to make you jealous, but I understand how you could be. It's hard to listen to someone talk about his luck if you feel that you have something missing for your own life.
In that situation, be happy for the person talking to you. But, depending how close you are to the person, you have the right to say that you are a bit uncomfortable being a love life message board at a certain moment in your own personal affairs.
Anonymous says
"Are we programmed to automatically become jealous and territorial, boys? Is it something we have no control over and are powerless in avoiding?"
Everyone has the freedom to choose how they will react to a situation. And there is something that is incredibly empowering about knowing that. But if you go through life always feeling suspicious that people are trying to get a reaction out of you, you'll end up miserable. Not everything that other people say or do is about you. If people (read: boys)feel that they have to watch what they say because you might get jealous or offended, you'll end up pushing them away from you. People want to be free to be themselves too, you know. And that includes being able to talk about what makes them happy without being afraid they'll offend you.
Diana Troldahl says
It doesn't sound like jealousy exactly, more like a feeling that you are excluded, not especially by them, but by circumstances. I feel that way sometimes when I can't go and do things with my friends as I used to.
I lost almost all my friends when I got sick and didn't fully recover. It took a long time to reach a balance, and some days when I am already feeling vulnerable, the old feelings of being closed out come back.
Anonymous says
I have felt that way at times too. Only once or twice was I certain the guy did it to be mean or get a reaction out of me…but they were not nice guys in general. The rest were just chatting. Jealousy is natural, but I think if you know you are acting jealous, that solves a big part of it! It is only human to experience bad feelings along with the good. It's if you find yourself disliking the girl for no reason, or saying nasty things, when it is as problem.
Anonymous says
I'm glad you didn't say anything to them. That would have been major uncomfortable. Those guys weren't trying to make you jealous. In fact, they don't even consider you gf material. If they did, they wouldn't have said anything about another girl. They don't want to woo you. Don't read anything more into it. I think you were more jealous at the girls they were dating since, well, they are dating and you are not. Don't think I'm being mean b/c I tell it like it is. I know it sucks always being on the outside looking in. But there's gotta be at least one guy who will go out with you. You just haven't found him yet.
Anonymous says
I'm sorry you were feeling jealous. I don't think they were confessing anything. Nor were they wooing you or trying to make you jealous. They were simply talking about their lives. Or maybe they were signaling to you that they were not available to you. Either way is a good thing. They either want to connect with you as a friend or they don't want you to waste your time thinking you could have a relationship. I've learned in my years that it's not worth chasing after some guy (or worse, being with some guy) who isn't interested in me.
It's natural to feel a bit envious if you are interested in them, but they didn't do anything wrong. Do you think every male you meet should never mention their wives/girlfriends/dates to you?
I'm glad you didn't say anything. If you were to say something, "I'm happy for you!" or "Have fun!" would be appropriate. You'd be seen as a positive, friendly, upbeat person–and that's who you truly are. If things don't work out with these women, that puts you in a good light and keeps the opportunity open. Most (decent) guys don't want jealous drama from someone they're not even seeing.
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