Here’s an interesting question, friends: Are you afraid to fall in love? Does that thought scare you? A fellow blogger interviewed me about my disability this morning for a post she’s working on (check out Carly’s awesome blog here…), and this question came up. At first, I didn’t know how to answer. I sat there and thought for a moment, leaving silence on the other end of the phone. What exactly am I afraid of? I said I was afraid because I won’t be able to have kids…would that be a dealbreaker for a guy? I kept thinking about that question long after I’d hung up the phone, though. I wonder if my fears about faling in love were legitimate, or if they were simply related to my disability. I worry I won’t measure up to all the other women my boyfriend had dated in the past because let’s face it, I won’t look like them. I worry that my lack of experience will make said boyfriend question everything.
But would I have those worries if I weren’t disabled? Are there just some fears that come with the territory of opening yourself up to another person and allowing yourself to be vulnerable when it comes to love? Maybe we miss out on so many opportunities in love because we’re afraid to just jump in and see where the tide takes us. It’s not like we can really get that lost, can we? When you think about it, there’s really not a map that will lead you swiftly to the altar and into the arms of your soulmate.
So, if we’re all afraid of falling in love, even if it’s only a teeny, tiny fear, what tops your list, friends? How do you deal with your fears? xoxo
Baby Photos.
Man Candy Monday.
ag. says
I was SO afraid to fall in love before I met my husband…I know it had more to do with being afraid to get hurt but I couldn't let myself fall in love if I thought I might get hurt in the end. With my husband, it was different. We were friends first but I wasn't afraid to let my guard down, I was never afraid I would be hurt by him and I think that's what made me not afraid to fall in love with him. I like to think it's what happens when you find the right one. We're all going to have fears, it's just important that they don't get in the way of what we want.
Ryan Adair says
I am mostly afraid of letting someone LOVE me, is that being afraid of falling in love? I am actually in a really awesome relationhsip, but I always have this fear that he will find someone better than me, and leave.. SO, no matter how wonderful he is.. I keep him at a distance, or I push him away. Isn't that awful?
You seem like a really beautiful person, on the inside and out. I think those of us who are afraid of falling in love, or letting others love us.. have just been through too much pain in the past, and the thought of losing a great love, is well.. Terrifying.
Maggie says
I agree with Ryan and I love this post.
red.neck chic says
I adore what Ryan said…
this post is awesome – touches right on my inner thoughts…
thank you!
;-D
Stephanie says
It's always scary and there will always be fears and second guessing. I think that's what makes falling in love so great in the end. You could have run, you wanted to run, your fears were TELLING you to run, but you followed your heart instead.
Melissa Blake says
awww, ryan, thanks so much!! i completely agree that it can be scary!
i love all these comments!
Melissa Blake says
that's so true, stephanie. i should do the opposite of what my head is telling me to do!
Anonymous says
I think deep down you know your disability has and always will play a large part in your life, especially your love life. I know you feel that it shouldn't matter, but it does. The first thing people notice about you is your wheelchair. It is alot to expect a man to look past it and get to know the "real you." Most men (and women) find it easier to pretend you don't exist. They don't want to deal with it. And let's face it, we write off potential dates all the time whether they be too short, too fat, different culture or ethnicity, don't earn enough money, or have bad hygiene. The odds are against you. Statistically, there aren't that many people who are in wheelchairs. And an even smaller percentage are in a relationship. You just have to put yourself out there and take a chance. Expect to hear alot of nos. But at the right time and right place, someone will say yes.
Stephanie says
I always like to say my heart was smarter than my head when it came to my husband. : ) Maybe we should all adopt that phrase!
L!$@ says
I am definitely afraid of falling in love…even as much as I want it. You are definitely not alone in this one.
Anonymous says
What a great question.
Yes, I think it is scary to love someone. Especially because the whole dating/flirting thing makes it seem like we should be indifferent or hide our feelings! I was never good at that. I just wanted to say to a boy: "I Like you."
We try to be coy, when really you just want to say "Hey I think you're great." I've always thought honestly was the best policy. I'm no dating expert, but if you meet a guy who is just as honest, he will appreciate it.
The way I dealt with my fears was, I figured even an awful date or an awful boyfriend would be a learning experience. A kind of "Well let's see where this takes me!" adventure.
Mägi says
I think up until around now I was not afraid, but hesitant to fall into like.
I didn't want to let my brain get carried away trying to analyze someone else's actions and motives when I was still young.
Now I'm 20 and it is an age where I could become infatuated… but now I'm a bit more open to even letting myself.
As for falling in love?
Someday.
But I only want to do it once which is why I'm not rushing. I've got a long life ahead of me and plenty of time to find that one true love. Until I find him, I don't want to run around trying out the different folks I run into – especially when I already know they're not the one.
Love reading your blog.
Melissa Blake says
First anon: that's a pretty pesimistic outlook. yes, i know my disability will play a part in my life — that's a given. But a large part? i'm not so sure about that…
Melissa Blake says
Second anon- YESS! my feelings exactly. i just want to say, "hey, i like you!"
Melissa Blake says
awww, magi, thanks for your kind words! 🙂
Anonymous says
Don't you notice that the more you deny that "pesimistic outlook" the more depressed and frustrated you feel? Anon is talking about reality. NOTHING can be promised. Ever. And nothing is foregone as well.
RedHead says
As you can see above, you're not alone. I am absolutely terrified of falling in love. Desperately want to but never have. Desperately want to but am too terrified about making myself that vulnerable to someone. I tell my friends ALL the time that I want a boyfriend, I want to date, I want a husband, I want babies, etc. etc. etc. but I am unable to put myself out there because of my lack of confidence with regards to my weight loss (I used to be 100 pounds heavier) and just overall not having the experience to know how/what to do. I've never dated anyone. I've never loved anyone (well in the lovey-dovey way). And I'm 27. So I've developed a whole 27 years worth of insecurities. But the one thing to remember is that we're worthy of love. We deserve love. And someday we'll have that and look back on these messages/posts and realize that we just had to be patient and life sorted itself out!! 🙂 Much love!
another anon says
Mel,
I think it's great that you've come to terms with your disability and don't let it consume your life. I was thinking about the first anonymous post and I believe what he or she is trying to say is that many able bodied persons are uncomfortable around disabled people. That's why they pretend the disabled person doesn't exist. I admit I've cringed when I saw a disabled man getting out of a car. He had to be put on a ramp and lowered to the ground. I cringed because I realize how I take the use of my legs for granted. I pitied him that he couldn't drive his own car, hop out and run in for a few groceries. I know I could never fall in love with someone like that. I know I am not alone in that conclusion. But there has got to be someone who will. Have you tried to date a disabled man? I think you would have a boyfriend in no time.
Anonymous says
When I hear people say things like, "Oh your disability is just one part of you," I want to scream. Because what is implied when they say that is that there would be something wrong with me if my disability was ALL of me. Guess what? My disability is All of me. It is the first thing that greets me in the morning, and the last thing I lay down with when I go to bed. It is who I am and it affects every part of my life.(Technically speaking though, my husband of 17 years is the the first and last thing I wake up to and lay down with each day, but you get what I mean.) Does claiming that my disability is ALL of me mean that I am always thinking about my disability? No. My husband doesn't think about my disability all the time either. But he would never deny how it affects my life. And my disability affects him too. I'd be pretty shallow, narcissistic and insensitive to think that it doesn't have an impact on him. From having to deal with other people's ignorance (see above:"another anon")to navigating various assistive devices(read: not tripping over them, LOL)around our home to having sex (yes SEX!)in creative ways and interesting positions, my disability is a big part of his life. But that only makes our relationship that much stronger. In fact, I'd say that my disability is an asset to our relationship rather than a hinderence. Together we have already overcome more challenges in our 17 years than the average couple would experience in a lifetime.
All in all, my point is that people close to you — people you get to know and who get to know you — will get to see all the wonderful things about you without having to deny that you have a disability. Unfortunately, people that don't know you will not see all those parts of you right away. And unless you have a magic wand that can erase years and years of social prejudice against people with disabilities (ie: "another anon") there is not much you can do to change how strangers or fringe acquaintances see you. What you can do is take risks and put yourself out there (and not just "put yourself out there" on this blog) but in real life social settings. Not every relationships starts because two people decided to date one another. Some relationships happen after a long friendship, or even after two people have known each other for a long time through mutual social circles. What I have to say could fill a book (maybe I'll write it one day, who knows?) but my point is that unless you start cultivating a healthy, unisex, age-appropriate social life, regardless of whether you intend to date anyone within that social life, you risk further isolating yourself from people who you could be potentially developing strong intimate bonds with, whether male or female, platonic or sexual. My husband and I met through the diverse, wide social life that we had both cultivated and we became best friends. I wasn't so naive to think that I might not get hurt if I fell in love with him and he ended up just wanting to be friends. But even if that was how the story ended my friendship with him would have been worth taking that risk.
In a nutshell, "You can't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket."
Singles chat rooms says
For some people who have been hurt a couple of times, love can be a frightening journey. However, it can be also a wondrous one too and it is important to note that you get out of something what you put into it. So, without further ado, it's time to forge on ahead and learn some mechanisms to make it less scary, more enticing, and definitely worth your while.
Spangle says
I know exactly how you feel! Being disabled myself I'm afraid of falling in love for many reasons. I don't flirt with men because I fear that I won't measure up to women without a disability and I'm also afraid getting hurt. Generally I don't let my disability affect my life, but when it comes to love, it does.
Great post!
Melissa Blake says
RedHead, I'm sooo with you! we're deserving of love! i know it's out there for you too!
Melissa Blake says
another anon- regarding suggesting i date someone with a disability, i do see your point, but at the same time, when people say that, all i hear is, "stick with your kind because there's no chance anyone else will ever love you."
does that make sense? i'm actually working on a post on this topic, so look for it later today!
Melissa Blake says
anon — you make an interesting point. i'm not sure i think of my disability as ALL of me, just like someone with blue eyes wouldn't think that's ALL of them, you know?
p.s. spangle, thanks!! xoxo
Anonymous says
I have blue eyes too, but people don't look at me and make a whole bunch of erroneous assumptions about what I can and can not do based on my eye colour. My eye colour doesn't affect which buildings I can enter, the way I drive my car, which jobs I am eligible to do physically, etc, etc. Whether we like it or not, identities are social constructions based on society's interpretations of what disability, skin colour, sexual orientation, class status and so on, mean. Have you ever tried studying or reading up on disability theory? If you understand the sociological roots of misconceptions about people with disabilities, I think you will find that it is not about you as an individual, but that people with disabilities are up against massive prejudices that have been going on for hundreds of years. Inclusion, accessibility, affirmative action — those socially progressive ideas have only been around for what, 50 years, if even that. Instead of worrying that that boy, or that guy or that individual person can't see past your disability, try to remember that unless he lives in some sort of Utopian bubble, he will have received all the same messages about what disability supposedly means. Mass media, pop culture, institutions, art and literature, have in many ways invisibilized people with disabilities. There are just not enough positive representations out there about what we are capable of. There are still so many myths, tropes and stereotypes about people with disabilities. All you can do is be yourself and love yourself and realize that some of the things that you are experiencing are way beyond anything you can control. Focus on what you can control, like going out and having fun whenever you can, meeting new people and learning about who they are, being open to new relationships, even if that might mean you may get hurt. We all take that risk when we choose to be around other people. You are a writer, so I am sure you have heard this expression before, "Show, don't tell." Instead of just saying "I can do all the things that other people can do", go OUT and actually do the things that other people do. Don't just say you are independent and capable of taking care of yourself, BE independent and take care of yourself. And it is also OK to be open about what you can't do too. But even then, while people might see that you can't do certain things, your creativity, positive attitude and how you deal with those challenges will say MORE about you than anything you can't do. If other people can't accept your disability, that is their problem. If they stick around long enough to see who you are, then great. If they can't be bothered to appreciate all of you, including all of your disability, too bad for them. Look, I know that this may sound difficult, but I have lived through and still live through many of the love and relationship fears that you write about. I have been reading your blog for a long time and I really want you to find what you are looking for, as well as a bunch of wonderful things that you aren't looking for. When we are open to the Universe, it rewards us with things we might never have dreamed even possible for ourselves. Trust yourself, learn to trust other people, know that YOU WILL get hurt and that there is nothing you can do about that. The risks you take will be worth it in the end. As Susan Jeffers said, "Feel the fear and do it anyway."
A final quote from Dr. Seuss: 'Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.'
Morty says
Yay! the world just got smaller. Carly is my real life in person friend! So I was confused for a while as I double checked what blog I was reading 🙂
As to the post… I'm afraid of finding love because all of my friends in relationships are sooooo over it. I'm happy alone and it would have to be a really, really amazing non-douchebaggy person to convince me otherwise. Which is the point, right? <3
Melissa Blake says
Morty, wow! what a small world!! 🙂 Carly is awesome!