Dear Mr. Melissa Blake:
After I wrote yesterday’s letter, I realized something: Most people probably don’t sit there and run through different breakup scenarios in their heads, do they? I guess that makes me different from most people, but it’s something to think about. Well, the practical side of me wants to think about it anyway.
So, then, why would I keep giving you the “It’s-not-you-it’s-me” speech? Keeping you at a distance will allow me to avoid dealing with my disability. I’m slowly realizing that in some ways, I still have far to go in accepting my disability and who I am. If I don’t get close to you, I’ll never have to address any issues surrounding my disability.
And, oh, that little “T” word? Trust. I’m probably going to tell you that I don’t trust you when you tell me that my disability doesn’t matter.
“Of course it matters,” I’ll say. “Look at me.”
I might even try to tell you that you don’t really love me. How could you love me, anyway? In some long, sweeping movie-like monologue, I’ll tell you that this relationship could never work, that you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into and that you should just walk away now (right now… ) while you still have the chance. Trust me, I’ll warn you. It will be better for us that way. My disability would only get in the way, something you just couldn’t see past.
Here’s what I’m hoping happens next: You say that there is risk in every relationship, that there’s no guarantee and that’s what makes the ride so exciting. You don’t care about disability; instead, you see me for me, and want to jump head-first holding my hand.
My disability will force us to go deeper, more quickly, if you think about it, Sweetpea. It will force us to reach into parts of our soul that, yes, might be scary at first, but will ultimately bring us closer.
In a way, maybe this is good. I won’t be one of those women who have to worry that you’re only with me for me looks.
Who knows, though? Maybe it was you. Maybe you cheated. I won’t stand for that; cheating is something that will take me quite awhile to get over. That applies to both physical and emotional cheating. In fact, in some ways, I think emotional cheating is worse because there’s something so powerful about connecting with someone on an emotional level, something that goes beyond the physical.
Or, maybe you became distant, and I became frustrated. Side note: I’ve been known to become easily frustrated a time or two.
And, really, when it comes down to whether we break up or not before we walk down the aisle, I never want to be that girl who stays with you just because I’m scared to be alone. I don’t want to think being in a miserable relationship is better than being in no relationship at all.
Besides (and this is the romantic in me again…), a little time away from each other might just do each of us some good. I’m always saying that I need to know who I am alone and be comfortable with that person, and maybe a little breather from us will do just the trick for me. We’ll come back together stronger – and more passionate – than ever. That’s what I look forward to. What about you, Sweetpea? Until we meet…
[Photos via Le Love]