In thinking back over the last week, I’m honestly not sure how I feel about it. It’s strange – and I’ve probably mentioned this before – because my mom and sister both have said they notice that I’m slowly getting better. And yet, I still feel like I don’t see it or even feel it. It’s like I’m waiting for this grand, cosmic moment where everything is suddenly going to click and make sense again. It’s probably not like that, is it? It’s not like in the movies where the main character has a life-changing epiphany and suddenly understands everything. It’s not like a sitcom where the problems are neatly resolved in 22 minutes.
And yet we all hope for that, don’t we? We all hope that this path we’re on leads us to those sorts of moments – those moments of clarity where all is right with the world. I wrote in my journal yesterday that all I want is to be happy. The way I used to be. And that’s what it boils down to, I suppose. A happy day is what I’m striving for right now. Or, at the very least, a day where my head isn’t so weighed down with worries.
I’ve also been thinking about my disability a lot, probably fueled in part by the depression. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of self-confidence when it comes to issues surrounding my disability. I see my peers immersed in their jobs, getting married and having kids, and I can’t help but feel out of place. They all have lives of their own and I feel so lost in the world. Where is my place? Why haven’t I checked these items off my life list yet? I know, I know. There’s really no set milestones that apply to everyone. If that’s so, then why do I feel so far behind everyone else? Maybe I’m coming to terms with my disability and what that is going to mean for my life.
Do these sorts of questions ever run through your mind, friends? Thanks for listening. xoxo
[Photos via Audrey Hepburn Complex]
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BriannEm says
Do you feel behind yourself? I always pictured myself farther ahead than I am… But when I stop and look around, I'm very blessed. And on days i remember and realize the little things count, I'm happy.
Adrienne says
I think these are the question everybody deals with as the years go by. Maybe you think your disability has a lot to do with it, but keep in mind that a lot of "normal" people feel that way. It's just part of being human I guess.
Melissa Blake says
Briann, that's a good way to put it. Maybe I feel like I'm in competition with the person I thought I would be. Does that make sense?
Sunrise Love says
i like your blog! <3
http://inspiration-with-sunrise.blogspot.com/
how do you think about the pictures?
Dancing Branflake says
Oh all the time. I think to myself… since I haven't accomplished these things yet does that mean my life is extra ordinary? Does that mean I should be doing extra ordinary things? It seems to me that because of your disability you have found your niche through this blog. You are doing something extra ordinary and you do it well.
{andthisiswhatshesaid} says
I feel this way too… But we have to realize that we are all on our own pace and the only person we should compare ourselves to, is ourselves. Imagine where you were 10 years ago, 5 years ago, do you have or is your life in some ways, exactly like you wanted it to be? (most likely in small ways) THAT's what you compare it too.. you're an amazing person, amazing writer, and you should own that. 🙂
Kay says
I just stumbled across your blog and all I can say is you are an inspiration to me and many others. Where is your place? Right here doing what you do. We all share your feelings whether we have disabilities or not. We all have good days and bad days. Writing down your feelings can be very cathartic. I wish you all the best in this life darlin!
Formerly known as Frau says
((hugs))
Sam says
I can relate a lot about what you are saying about feeling about being lost in the world wondering when I'm going to check somethings off that list. Sadly enough not everything in life is controllable. For a long time I look at myself and measured myself by others and where I thought that they were in their life and why I wasn't. That kind of thinking really did me in and it is so easy to fall into.
My biggest problems were always in the area of career and love. I rarely dated and didn't find Mr. Right until I was 26 while most people I knew went through several loves and were still looking. Than one of my best friends is 33 and just went on her first date.
As for my career I have jumped from one job to another and have been out of work for 2 years now. That is not where I wanted to be when I was 29. Finally I have the courage to do what I want and I'm starting my own business. Am I where I wanted to be at this point in my life? God no, but it's okay.
There is no right or wrong in life. Questioning things is normal.
Sam says
I can relate a lot about what you are saying about feeling about being lost in the world wondering when I'm going to check somethings off that list. Sadly enough not everything in life is controllable. For a long time I look at myself and measured myself by others and where I thought that they were in their life and why I wasn't. That kind of thinking really did me in and it is so easy to fall into.
My biggest problems were always in the area of career and love. I rarely dated and didn't find Mr. Right until I was 26 while most people I knew went through several loves and were still looking. Than one of my best friends is 33 and just went on her first date.
As for my career I have jumped from one job to another and have been out of work for 2 years now. That is not where I wanted to be when I was 29. Finally I have the courage to do what I want and I'm starting my own business. Am I where I wanted to be at this point in my life? God no, but it's okay.
There is no right or wrong in life. Questioning things is normal.
Susan says
I did not get married until I was 37. I can't tell you how many times I have had those same thoughts. I am not disabled. I was a model in my teenage years and early 20's so the physical body has nothing to do with it. When I finally met my husband it was worth the wait.
Looking back, I'm not sure why I felt a deadline was looming on the marriage issue. It seems silly now but you know what they say about hindsight.
I have found that, for me, depression seems to be tied to a stagnant period in my life or the need for a change. It was usually the catalyst for changing my job or environment or lifestyle. My depression was an intense inward focus trying to make me look at something.
By the way-change of subject-did you check out the polo to help Japan on Ralph Lauren.com? No, I don't work there. I just thought of you when I saw it. I know you love polos!
Don't worry, love will find you.
Jen says
Hi Melissa,
I've followed your blog for a year now and I lvoe the stuff you put up. And I also wanted to say, this sort of stuff is not really about your disability. It's just stuff that everyone feels. I'm always comparing myself to others and feeling like I'm not good at anything and not achieving much in my life. I'm 21, have never dated or been asked out (especially not by the people I've liked…I just seem to make a fool out oof myself), I can't seem to find a job at the moment and my contract is about to end at my current workplace and I'm just panicky and a bit depressed about my unknown future. but I am lucky to have a great family and wonderful friends. I guess we just got to keep trying and not get disheartened. Hopefully we can do it!
Intmc says
Well its keep in mind that a lot of "normal" people feel that way. It's just part of being human I guess..Thanks
IRS Tax Lawyers says
I thought that they were in their life and why I wasn't. That kind of thinking really did me in and it is so easy to fall into.
Anonymous says
Dear Melissa,
I agree with everyone else here- it's all part of being human. I've just been through a really rough patch too and actually, with hindsight, I think it was beneficial (even though it certainly didn't feel like that at the time!). Sometimes we repress the sadness we feel under a pose of 'getting on with life' and it holds up back and accumulates- feeling sad allows you to get in touch with those parts of you that need 'healing' (for want of a better term)and you go through it and learn abit about yourself and life in general. Sometimes it takes a bit of time, sometimes not, you need to go at your own pace.
Don't ever feel you or your life is not good enough- it is perfect the way it is and good things will always happen to you no matter what. Feeling sad unblocks you and allows you to move forward again in a more positive and true way. It is nature-after winter comes the spring and new life.
With lots of good wishes for your future happiness.
Vincent Margott says
I'm very blessed and on days i remember and realize the little things count, I'm happy.
Chiara says
What a great post, and the answer is yes!
xo
Tonia says
There will come a day when you suddenly sit up and realise that the sun is shining everywhere, not just the sky and that the cloud you've been under has lifted and dissapated. But you won't realise until the day is almost over. It's a gradually creeping thing.
And there is no set place for anyone in the world – you make your own, and I think you're doing a fantastic job at it.
Don't be fooled by the outward appearances of those who seem secure with their everything, most aren't.
Melissa Blake says
Thanks for the kind words, friends!
mousee23 says
All I know is your view on life reflects how I feel a lot of the time.My 'disability' is an 'invisible' one.Crohns disease is one of cronic pain.When you get depressed I root for you cause I understand.When the sun shines on you you share it in a way that I feel your joy.I have never met you IRL but you are someone I would like to meet in my life.~Anne
Danielle says
I sometimes feel like I rush so fast to achieve those milestones, and before I know it, I've run too far. Then I find myself looking back and wondering where my life has gone, and why I tried so hard to grow up and move on. I wish I was a kid again.
The National Benefit Authority says
Its keep in mind that a lot of "normal" people feel that way. It's just part of being human I guess..Thanks