In thinking back over the last week, I’m honestly not sure how I feel about it. It’s strange – and I’ve probably mentioned this before – because my mom and sister both have said they notice that I’m slowly getting better. And yet, I still feel like I don’t see it or even feel it. It’s like I’m waiting for this grand, cosmic moment where everything is suddenly going to click and make sense again. It’s probably not like that, is it? It’s not like in the movies where the main character has a life-changing epiphany and suddenly understands everything. It’s not like a sitcom where the problems are neatly resolved in 22 minutes.
And yet we all hope for that, don’t we? We all hope that this path we’re on leads us to those sorts of moments – those moments of clarity where all is right with the world. I wrote in my journal yesterday that all I want is to be happy. The way I used to be. And that’s what it boils down to, I suppose. A happy day is what I’m striving for right now. Or, at the very least, a day where my head isn’t so weighed down with worries.
I’ve also been thinking about my disability a lot, probably fueled in part by the depression. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of self-confidence when it comes to issues surrounding my disability. I see my peers immersed in their jobs, getting married and having kids, and I can’t help but feel out of place. They all have lives of their own and I feel so lost in the world. Where is my place? Why haven’t I checked these items off my life list yet? I know, I know. There’s really no set milestones that apply to everyone. If that’s so, then why do I feel so far behind everyone else? Maybe I’m coming to terms with my disability and what that is going to mean for my life.
Do these sorts of questions ever run through your mind, friends? Thanks for listening. xoxo
[Photos via Audrey Hepburn Complex]