Dear Mr. Melissa Blake:
I went to see the psychiatrist on Monday. It was my first appointment since getting out of the hospital, and I’ll admit that I was a bit nervous. The appointment went well, though. He thinks I’m doing better and is keeping me on the same meds – risperdal and celexa. They seem to be working. Now if only I could get my sleep straightened out, Sweetpea. I haven’t been sleeping well at all. I wake up, it seems, every hour, and can’t fall back to sleep. It’s terrible. I know it’s making my anxiety worse too, and that is never a good thing. Sleepless nights and anxiety just do not go well together.
Speaking of anxiety, I’ve really been trying to work with my anxiety instead of letting it control me. I never understood just how bad anxiety can be – it’s really debilitating for me sometimes. Not so much now, but in the early days before I went in the hospital, I just didn’t know what to do with all this anxiety that seemed to just sit there in the pit of my stomach and grow and multiply by the seconds.
What’s really frustrating is that I can never pinpoint the source of my anxiety; it’s always been this generalized anxiety and a high level of uneasiness. It’s not fun. Plain and simple.
I’ve also been thinking a lot lately about my old self. Where is she? The girl who was fearless and not afraid of anything. She seems so far away sometimes, almost as if I can’t reach her. What would she think of me now? I can’t help but feel like I’ve let her down in some way. I used to be so strong, and while it’s true that I am getting a little stronger each day, I don’t feel nearly as strong as I did 6 months ago.
It also doen’t help that I’m a pretty impatient person when it comes to these sorts of things (I want to see instant results, but that’s not how it works). But I did go back to work last week, so I was proud of myself for that. It went fine, not nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I know it’s these little things that are going to add up to bigger things, so I just need to keep telling myself that. I just have to keep moving forward and making progress. I know the meds won’t work fully unless I have the right mindset too, so that’s what I’m going to try to work on this week.
This has really been a scary time for me, and it might continue to be for some time, but if I can get that anziety under control – and I know I can – I’d be even more proud of myself. Until then, I’m still taking things one day at a time, Sweetpea. Until we meet…
[Photos via Sabino]
I'm sorry you are going through a lot. It's tough to have your body not doing the things you want it to. I had a bout of insomnia over the summer and there is nothing worse. I hope you feel better soon! Kori xoxo
Laura Trevey says
One day at a time is a good way to approach most hurdles 🙂
Anxiety is awful, but that you're fighting it and working through it means you're still that strong girl you remember. ~ Laura
There's no worse feeling than feeling anxious about something you just can't name. I really hope that things begin turning around for you. I really do.
You are allowed to not feel strong all the time: don't beat yourself up about it. You're human (unlike anonymous above).
Melissa Blake says
Thanks, Tonia. xoxo
Ooh, I think my comment was really taken the wrong way. I meant that even doing the little things you're doing like taking things one step at a time is proof that you are strong even if you don't always feel that way. I was trying to be supportive, not inhuman. ~ Laura
Melissa Blake says
no worries, laura – there was another Anon comment that I deleted.
Oops, sorry Laura! There was a really nasty anon comment above mine that I was referring to, not yours!
Anna Walker says
Anxiety is super hard to deal with sometimes, but when you find your own special way to deal with it, you will see a whole new world 🙂
I hope you start to feel better soon, and I also wanted to say I cant wait for the day that you post about the awesome new guy you met that may turn out to be the lucky guy who gets to read all your letters! 🙂
Melanie's Randomness says
Well I can tell you that we are all proud of you for taking it one day at a time & feeling better. This was such an honest letter & Im happy your feeling a lil better. I used to have very bad aniexty & sometimes I couldn't even pinpoint the real reason why. It took time but it passed. Small steps & one day at a time. Thinking of you Melissa. Big *Cyber Hug*
Your blog is really touching, and I hope you find someone who writes, too (that's how I fell in love, anyway). I just wonder if these letters are the right way to find him? Us girls love letters like yours, but they might scare off a guy who isn't ready to be a "future husband" yet. I know all about putting too much pressure on a relationship before it's even really started; my most successful (and only) relationship started with almost zero expectations. I'm not saying don't write these letters, or save them for the awesome guy you're gonna meet, but your blog gives the impression that this "waiting" is taking up a big chunk of your thoughts, when I'm sure you have a lot of other things going on, too, that a guy might connect with more. Sorry this is so drawn out, but I definitely identify with you, and I hope you feel better! Spring is coming 😀