Dear Mr. Melissa Blake:
I went to see the psychiatrist on Monday. It was my first appointment since getting out of the hospital, and I’ll admit that I was a bit nervous. The appointment went well, though. He thinks I’m doing better and is keeping me on the same meds – risperdal and celexa. They seem to be working. Now if only I could get my sleep straightened out, Sweetpea. I haven’t been sleeping well at all. I wake up, it seems, every hour, and can’t fall back to sleep. It’s terrible. I know it’s making my anxiety worse too, and that is never a good thing. Sleepless nights and anxiety just do not go well together.
Speaking of anxiety, I’ve really been trying to work with my anxiety instead of letting it control me. I never understood just how bad anxiety can be – it’s really debilitating for me sometimes. Not so much now, but in the early days before I went in the hospital, I just didn’t know what to do with all this anxiety that seemed to just sit there in the pit of my stomach and grow and multiply by the seconds.
What’s really frustrating is that I can never pinpoint the source of my anxiety; it’s always been this generalized anxiety and a high level of uneasiness. It’s not fun. Plain and simple.
I’ve also been thinking a lot lately about my old self. Where is she? The girl who was fearless and not afraid of anything. She seems so far away sometimes, almost as if I can’t reach her. What would she think of me now? I can’t help but feel like I’ve let her down in some way. I used to be so strong, and while it’s true that I am getting a little stronger each day, I don’t feel nearly as strong as I did 6 months ago.
It also doen’t help that I’m a pretty impatient person when it comes to these sorts of things (I want to see instant results, but that’s not how it works). But I did go back to work last week, so I was proud of myself for that. It went fine, not nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I know it’s these little things that are going to add up to bigger things, so I just need to keep telling myself that. I just have to keep moving forward and making progress. I know the meds won’t work fully unless I have the right mindset too, so that’s what I’m going to try to work on this week.
This has really been a scary time for me, and it might continue to be for some time, but if I can get that anziety under control – and I know I can – I’d be even more proud of myself. Until then, I’m still taking things one day at a time, Sweetpea. Until we meet…
[Photos via Sabino]