Dear Mr. Melissa Blake:
I’ve been thinking about stages a lot in the last week. There are the obvious stages in life like high school, college, your first job, getting married. All those are stages we’re conscious of as we’re going through them.
But what about those other stages, Sweetpea? You know, the ones that aren’t so obvious. The ones where, only later, can we look back and say, “Rememeber that time? I guess it turned out to be a big time in my life after all.”
Well, I’m looking back over the last several weeks, and I suppose you could say that I have somewhat of an unxpected chapter to add to my life story. I’ve been home from the hospital for more than a week now, but my time there still haunts me a little. I can’t think about it without getting goosebumps. I can’t think about how I was away from my mother and my sister without getting a huge lump in my throat.
And I wonder what you would have thought had you been here. I know I act strong and tough on the outside, but a part of my heart wishes you had been here. Don’t get me wrong. I have the most wonderful support (my mother actually figured out how to use my blog…well, with instructions from me, of course!) anyone could ask for, but it would have been nice to have you here. I’m not even sure why at this point. The comfort? The hugs? The security? Maybe just to have another pair of ears to listen to me babble about my fears of being there.
I’ll also admit that I wonder what you’ll think when I tell you about this time in my life. Because, let’s face it, Sweetpea, it isn’t exactly the happiest of times. It’s messy and confusing because all these feelings. They’re new territory for me. I’ve never in my life felt like this before, and I’m not ashamed to admit that it’s all pretty scary. I can put on a brave face and pretend like it was no big deal, but it was a big deal. It was, I dare say, one of the most defining moments in life since my father died. And that’s not something I can easily hide or brush under the rug.
So just know that I’m going to share these moments and hospital stories with you. Maybe it will help me make more sense of things too because I’m still processing a lot; I found you can only do so much processing before you have to take a little break. You can’t always be standing on the shores and letting the washes crash over you, one after the other, you know? Until we meet…
[Photos via Audrey Hepburn Complex]