I think I may have taken a baby step yesterday, but I’m new at all this you know, so I’ll let you dear friends be the judge. How does that sound?
Another trend I’m noticing in the relationship department is the over-use of this phrase, “I’m not looking for a girlfriend.”
First of all, what does that even mean? So you just want to flirt with me, make me smile and happy, and that’s it? Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but you’ll go out with someone even though there’s no chance it could lead to something?
WELLL. friends, I did something that maybe a year ago I wouldn’t have done. That maybe I would have been too scared to even contemplate doing. I called one of those boys out on his “I’m not looking for a girlfriend” spiel. Ir’s a guy I’ve known for awhile and when he told me he was happy with his singleness, I wrote back, via a Facebook message, of course (hey, you have to start somewhere, right?)…
“OK. I just won’t beat around the bush then: I was suggesting that someday, in the future, if you care to change your singleness, perhaps you and I might go out.”
Of course, right after I sent it, I panicked, thinking, “Gosh, what have I done.” “He’s going to think I’m some crazy creeper.” “He’s never going to want to talk to me again.”
What’s the time protocol here? It’s been almost 24 hours, and I have yet to hear from him. I don’t want to leave things awkward between us if he was completely freaked out by my note. But then I also don’t want to keep spamming his inbox with messages – even I know that’s never a good tactic.
Gah, I should have been having this panicky feelings 12 years ago. But live and learn, right? Oh, shoot, maybe that’s another reason he hasn’t written back. Maybe the idea of my disability and the fact that he;d be the first is just too much, and I sent him running. See, friends, I do have powers over guys. Maybe just not the desired ones.
(Photos via Sabino)
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undomestic chica says
My advice would be just to give it some time. I know that we, as girls, would like guys to write back write away, but they are completely on their own time frame. As we anxiously wait for a response, they have no clue they've even written because they are probably not even checking their phone/facebook/email. Congrats to you for being bold though, I only wish I was!
Jenny says
This is a good step I think. You gotta put yourself out there sometimes, you know.
I agree with the poster above. Some people don't check their online stuff often, so give it a few days.
Little Laura says
If it's one thing I hate, it's waiting around. I have absolutely no patience. When I first met my husband, we mostly communicated on MySpace (Facebook hadn't taken off yet). It would kill me to send a message that would say something slightly personal and I wouldn't get a response for a day or two. I would think, "Oh, I blew it!" Turns out he didn't have constant access to the internet. Finally, after close to 4 months of mostly communicating like this (eventually it moved on to text messaging), and seeing each other in group settings when we could fit it in, as we lived two hours away, he FINALLY asked me out for that first date. What did all of this have to do with anything? It taught me to be patient and RELAX! Which is the best advice I can pass along to you. 🙂
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Anonymous says
I'm really pleased you sent a Facebook message that wasn't painfully vague! Some people (men AND women) have issues with subtle, so I'm glad you said something so bold and direct. The ball is in his court now and while waiting sucks that's where you are at the moment- no amount of follow up messages will change how he'll feel or get him to respond quicker. And remember that sometimes "I don't want a girlfriend" means exactly what it seems to. So if he doesn't come back positively please don't make this about your disability or lack of experience. And again, congrats on having the guts to do what a lot of people don't. Now sign off Facebook, turn off your computer, and go hang out with a friend who will distract you. ~ Laura
Laurie says
You were honest. And that takes courage! Good job on being straightforward! And if he doesn't treat you right, he certainly doesn't deserve you. Thanks for sharing your journey with us!
Dancing Branflake says
Those pinicky feelings happen to me all the time- even if it's just with people I want to be friends with. One thing I know for sure- guys never really know what they want. They go for what sounds good but not necessarily what is good for them.
Signe says
I think you did the right thing!
It was the truth and it is very bold of you to just come out and say it like that. Hopefully he will get back to you soon and things won’t get weird between you two!
Hugs,
Signe
Melissa Blake says
Hmmm, he wrote back and said I put him in a rather precarious situation. Now what does that mean?
Bibi says
Wow… well first off, that was really bold! Go you!
Secondly, I still get those panicky/ butterfly/ jumping out of my skin nervous feelings even though I have been pulling crazy moves like that since I was 12, so no matter how much experience you have, those never go away.
Thirdly, in terms of his response… well, it could mean several things, but I'm thinking it probably means he's feeling some pressure. He's probably feeling like he got put in a corner of either going out with you at some point or losing a friend.
I'm going to give you some advice. Obviously I don't know much about the nature of your relationship with this guy, but I'm guessing that he's only ever seen you as a friend and that you've now changed things by admitting that you do have romantic feelings for him. I don't know how good of a friend he is, but if you really want to pursue things with him, there is the possibility that your friendship won't survive. So, I would suggest that you take some time to really think about exactly what you're willing to risk.
Now that that's settled, I have to say that most of the time when guys say they're not looking for a gf, it's just a vague way of avoiding explaining their real hesitancy to a relationship whether it's time constraints, a broken heart, or simply because they haven't found anyone they like in that way.
I know that you do want to have a boyfriend and have all those relationship firsts, but nobody said that they have to come from one guy and I think that you're pretty aware of that. So, I guess to make it clear that you're not looking to tie him to the old ball and chain or anything like that and that you're not trying to corner him. Explain to him that you enjoy spending time with him, but that you think that there's some potential and you'd really like to see if anything can come of it by actually going on a date. That's it.
If he's telling the truth and really doesn't want a gf, then this should allay his fears a bit and he might actually be receptive, but if that was a nice way of saying that he doesn't see you in that way, then this'll be his chance to actually say so.
Good luck Melissa! I hope this all works out and definitely keep us posted!
I'm Beautiful, Dammit! says
I asked my bf about this & he said guys will flirt with a girl they are not interested in because they are practicing for a girl they are interested in. He also said that it could mean that a guy is trying not to lead a girl on. He might be looking for a gf just not you. I'm glad you called him out though. I don't like the idea of guys using someone to sharpen their player skillz on.
New To The Neighborhood says
I don't think I can help you out in that department, fortunately I've been out of the dating game for 5 going on 6 years 🙂 but I'm you that's Bogus!
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Melissa Blake says
Oy, he said he's never made it a secret that he's not looking for a girlfriend, but I seem to recall him going out with a girl a few weeks ago. Crazy guys!
Melissa Blake says
Here's what I wrote back…what do you guys think? Too harsh?
OK, I get that. Sorry for the confusion. I wasn't meaning anything beyond dinner or lunch. Just to see where things go. If I remember correctly, you did that with a girl recently.
And you can be honest: if it has anything to do with my disability tell me.
Monique says
I do have to admit that it's really tough for people to be put in a situation where they have to explain why they don't want to go out. I remember the first time my bf asked me to go out with him. I automatically said, no without even thinking about it. I think if he asked me why, I would have been turned off. He graciously respected my decision and then when I got home I kicked myself for saying no. I think it gave him something to keep hoping for. I suggest giving him some space. I believe that love happens gently, easily and organically. If this is the guy for you and you for him it will happen.
Good luck and I hope this was helpful. Have a wonderful weekend
Jude says
I think you were very brave to approach him in the first place. I agree with the commenters above that sometimes a guy will flirt even if he's not interested in dating you, he may just enjoy flirting. I would also add that if he's not interested and feels put on the spot, I'd just ease off to not make things too awkward (especially if you need to see him frequently). I couldn't agree more than if this was the guy for you, it will happen! Sending good wishes and thoughts!
Anonymous says
I hope this isn't taken as a rude question, but I'm wondering if you see a therapist?
I only ask because when I went through a really hard breakup and then I was depressed and hopeless, and also having crushes that didn't pan out as I started to move on from my ex, I felt very lost and confused and like I would never ever ever find love…. I decided to go to therapy and really work on my self love and self image… I started to focus less on the search for a man, and more on the search for my inner peace and love.
It took me 3 years of therapy, but then I found love when I wasn't looking for it at all. (of course the relationship had its ups and downs at the beginning.. me doubting it at times, over analyzing, wondering did i say too much? am i being "too much"? etc. So nothing is perfectly easy … but it worked out and I look back and see that the me before therapy just wasnt ready for the relationship i'm in now, and I'm so so happy I went.
Also, I realize now that "did I say too much?" or "am I being too much?" shouldn't be a big worry because you gotta be YOU and the man of your dreams wouldn't want you any other way!
Also ALSO, for me, therapy had a lot to do with dealing with my "dad issues" – he left when I was 11, and just sort of disappeared. So I was always looking for that soothing male dad energy from a man – I could not easily soothe myself… but it was always too much for a guy to deal with. (on top of dealing with fear of abandonment… yadda yadda)
Sorry I don't know if this helps at all, its just my story, and your questioning of yourself in this boy situation reminded me of myself before I really started to do some work on my soul!!
You are a beautiful writer, and a beautiful person… I just started reading you recently, so I don't really know your whole story, but I can tell right away you are very special, and I really believe you will find the man of your dreams when the time is right.
xoxo!
nik
Anonymous says
I think it's great that you went for it and told him that you were interested, however you need to be kind enough to let him back out of this without looking like an asshole. He isn't interested and it doesn't matter whether he's not interested in you or in any girl, the fact remains the same. Don't call him out on other dates any further or ask if it has anything to do with your disability again. That's too aggressive especially if you consider him a friend. You have put him in a really awkward place that is a lose/lose situation now.
Anonymous says
If you are interested in talking to men online that's great. You should join a dating site. That way you will know that a person is on the site to date. A lot of people are on Facebook to socialize with friends and are going to be put off by someone asking on dates through the site.
Anonymous says
I'm not sure about the "calling him out" bit. Or insisting that he answer to you on why he went out with another girl for dinner. He doesn't owe you an explanation. It is his personal life. It's sounds stand-offish and possessive and I'm really afraid that it will work against you. There could be multiple reasons he doesn't want to date you, and it could have nothing to do with your disability.
I'm also wondering that if he reads your blog, which I am assuming if you are FB friends he must know about your blog, he'll think you've gossiped about him before you've even let him reply to you. Not really a great way to start off a relationship or maintain a friendship. I know that you like to be honest on this blog, and many of your readers like that (including me), but there are some things that are better left to private conversations with your friends over coffee.
Honestly, I'd really have a hard time accepting a date or asking someone out on a date if I knew that it was going to be shared on-line with over 2500 people. That is a lot of pressure, especially if he thinks that his response to you is going to be picked apart and analyzed.
I know all this sounds harsh, but try to put yourself in his shoes.
Good luck.
Anonymous says
Hi Melissa! This whole post sounds like my life in college. I was given the "not looking for a relationship" line several times. I took their words literally and then the guy would be dating another girl a week later. What the?! I didn't realize that they were just turning me down in a gentle way. Men can be cruel at times (One guy told me to my FACE that he wouldn't date me because I wasn't pretty enough but not to feel bad because I was his "runner-up") so really the not looking for a girlfriend line means he respects you and cares about your feelings, but is not interested romantically. This happened a *lot* of times with me and I also quizzed them on what was wrong with me. Ugh horrible idea. Makes everyone uncomfortable. And really, I realize now it's not fair to ask someone to justify an attraction/lack of attraction. We interact with members of the opposite sex every day at the store, the library, and have no attraction to them, but put on the spot could you really explain why? There's nothing you *dislike*, it just…isn't there. I'm sure you have platonic male friends that you think are handsome and nice but aren't attracted to. Also, if/when the guy really does tell you his reasons if he has any, they are really hurtful. And totally unhelpful. One guy tells me I'm not pretty and another guy tells me I'm gorgeous. It's all subjective. My advice to you is, as difficult as it is, just drop it. This is one of those areas where you have to be tough and really act like there are no hard feelings. Best of luck. 🙂
Melissa Blake says
Thanks, guys. I think you're all right about letting this one just cool off for right now.
Melissa Blake says
Hi nik – I've been seeng a therapist since my father's suicide.
Lauren says
Definitely give it some time, but congrats on taking a step forward 🙂 Even if it doesn't pan out, it's always good practice.
Dreaming of Palm Trees says
"I'm not looking for a girlfriend" psh! oh, some boys have so much to learn, don't they? 🙂
xoxo,
Dreaming of Palm Trees
Anonymous says
I thought his response was pretty straightforward. You did put him in 'a rather precarious situation.' He was probably enjoying the freedom to date casually; now, if he goes out with a woman (on the spur of the moment or otherwise) and you find out, he'll probably feel bad for hurting your feelings.
I hope that wasn't your intention.
Anonymous says
well i think that men really dont panic or go crazy about a womens message…flirting takes place when u meet people at some gathering and someone comes over and tries to hit on u or interest u…If u are really disabled than i suppose anyone who takes u out probably thinks he is being friendly and not wanting a girl friend means that he probably wont see u again or might be hwe wants a one night stand..? u just must start looking for someone else immediately if u are that hardup..?
Anonymous says
Melissa, look at you! Look at how brave you've become! That's really really wonderful. I think this situation is kind of similar to going on a job interview. The more you interview, the better you get. And just because you don't get the job, does not mean there is something wrong with you. It simply means you and the job aren't a good fit. (I hope you understand my analogy.)
This friend of yours is probably feeling pretty awkward right now, so as others have advised, don't rub it in…he'll only push you away if you do that. Also, it's perfectly okay if he finds another girl to go out with. It doesn't mean she's better than you–just that she's a better fit for him. You WILL find the man that is perfect for you. The one you choose and the one that chooses you in return. Until then, keep being honest about your feelings. It's great practice. Just promise to be sensitive if your feelings aren't reciprocated.
Jana says
I think it's awesome that you gave it a shot and put yourself out there! I always want to but I chicken out. Good for you though, even if he's not looking for someone
Melanie's Randomness says
Good for you tho for trying & being honest. =)
Diana says
I think it's good to put yourself out there, and it seems like you're strong and sure enough of yourself to not let things get awkward.
HMS Home Warranty says
You were honest. And that takes courage! Good job on being straightforward! And if he doesn't treat you right, he certainly doesn't deserve you. Thanks for sharing your journey with us!