Dear Mr. Melissa Blake:
I’m sitting here at the doctor’s office, and it’s all I can do to keep myself from crying. Right here in front of these seemingly unsuspecting people. People reading Good Housekeeping. People just going about their days, about their lives. They’ll probably leave here and not even remember that they almost became my human Kleenex. They probably don’t even notice it now. But can they tell? Is it ever-so-plainly written all over my face. One dead giveaway: My eyes are probably swollen and red from crying this morning. It seems I can’t stop crying these days. I cry every morning these days. While eating breakfast. While I’m brushing my teeth. While I’m folding the laundry. While I’m working on my blog. The tears just come in floods, and honestly, I feel sort of powerless to stop them. They feel stronger than my will to stop them. Or maybe I don’t want to stop them? Maybe I just want to let out all my emotions.
But surely, crying all the time isn’t healthy. I just don’t know what to do, Sweetpea. This saxiety (a term I’ve coined combining sadness and anxiety) is one of the scariest, if not the scariest, emotion I’ve ever felt, and I honestly can’t tie it to one specific incident that sparked it. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about all the things that have happened in the last 8 year. Honestly, Sweetpea, I’m surprised this emotional burst hasn’t happened sooner. Maybe my emotions are finally catching up with me. But did they really all have to come at once? It all seems like too much to handle. I’m just so scared that there’s no hope because none of the medications seem to be giving me that much relief. Am I destined to feel this way for the rest of my life? I sure hope not. No one should have to suffer like this. No one.
That was my journal entry from yesterday, Sweetpea. I know we’ve been talking about happy things – about meeting and proposals – but if we’re really going to work as a couple, we need to be able to share the not-so-happy times with each other too. And right now, back here in December 2010, is a decidedly not-so-happy time for me. I’m struggling. I sometimes feel like I’m sinking into this abyss, and I’m scared I’ll never come out. I’m sad, scared. afraid, anxious, tired all the time, can barely concentrate (my apologies for the lack of letters to you). Even writing, the one thing that has always been my rock. is so hard for me. I try to write and freeze, almost as if I have no idea what I’m doing. It’s a new and very troublesome feeling.
I just want to be back to my old self, but I know that is going to take a lot of work. And I’m just not talking about a lot of medicine here. I’m going to have to do some real soul-searching. It will be hard, but as my wise mother says, and this is what got her through the dark days after my father’s suicide, “the only way out is through.” So I’ll at least try to take baby steps through these murky waters, probably plopping a few of my tears in said waters along the way, and see where these steps take me. Until we meet… xoxo
(Photos via Audrey Hepburn Complex)