We’re so quick to say that you should be with the person who makes you feel comfortable, but what about the second choice? Could it be that you’re so afraid because it IS right? Shouldn’t you at least give it a little more time? I mean, maybe you’re so caught off guard because of the chemistry. I know I’ve probably fallen victim to that a few times. OK, so it was most likely all in my head, but still, that has to count for something, right?
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Jude says
I think we can always strike a nice balance, aiming to be truthful, but not utterly uncensored? Or maybe that's all just in my head too 🙂
Mo Pie, Please says
I know what you're saying – I've been around many people that I've been way too nervous to speak in front of, but I kept them in my life because they were inspiring to me. If after awhile the relationship doesn't become any easier then you know it's time to say farewell, right? I feel so comfortable talking to my husband but it didn't start out that way. We're both pretty introverted and quiet but now we can say anything. We still censor ourselves though because it's probably the safe thing to do for the health of our relationship!
Blondie says
As long as you're honest, and it works, go for it! Kori xoxo
Melanie's Randomness says
I've been in both situations. After being so scared & nervous for 4 years knowing that I can say what I want with my boyfriend is one of the best things I love about him. It's almost like I had to experience the bad to really love the good. Hmm…
Melissa Blake says
Melanie, I think you said it perfectly! 🙂
Diana says
I'm terrible at very very quickly slipping into the "extremely comfortable with someone that you can say anything" phase. In some ways I think it's good because they really get to know the real me very quickly, but I do sometimes miss the nervous excitement of the unknown.
Anonymous says
You just need a good balance of being comfortable with each other but also undertsanding and forgiving as well. A partner who knows that they're not perfect either. I'm all for relationships which are comfy and easy because there will be a lot that a couple goes through that will be hard and anxiety ridden and upsetting- expressing your feelings to the person you love shouldn't be one of those things. ~ Laura
Julia says
I can't explain to you how much I needed this post today!
hip hip gin gin says
I think you often have both in the same relationship, just at different times. Although the guarded, shy phase isn't mandatory, it is often the case that you feel all tongue tied and nervous at first. And then after a while you become comfortable with one another, and can say (almost) anything, and that phase kind of is mandatory for a long lasting relationship because you really can't live the rest of your life not being able to speak freely.
I say almost, because you should never really say every old thing that you think to anyone. For example sometimes I'm cranky and my husband starts making noise in the other room and in that moment I honestly think he is an inconsiderate so-and-so but I zip my lip. It is much better for both of us if a little bit of censorship remains =)
Melissa Blake says
I'm so glad, julia!
I still don't think I've found a balance yet. I either say too much or not enough.
Wendy says
Been on both ends of this and, for me, comfort wins hands down. I couldn't relax in front of the man I dated before my current boyfriend. I was so worried that I might do or say the wrong thing that it had a negative impact on our relationship. With John (my guy :))I am completely comfortable and it is a wonderful feeling.
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Ogot says
I've been with people who I am so afraid and conscious to say wrong things or do something and whatnot. And believe me, it's most uncomfortable for me, enough for me to say like trying to be somewhat putting my flaws inside a closet or something. I'd rather be with people who I am comfortable enough to say anything, without worries. I'd say those people who I am comfortable are those who I feel being just me and nothing more. 🙂 either wrong or annoying and all, I know these people can make me feel an imperfect human being (and it's a good thing for me).
Joyce says
Fab post! I've pondered that dichotomy myself and I've always thought that the presence of nervousness was the confirmatory symptom of a debilitating crush whereas comfort usually signified that I didn't like a guy as more than a friend. But I think it's also possible to overcome the nervousness to reach a level of comfort and also to develop nervousness at the realization that you like a guy as more than a friend. In the end, i think it's just about a need to be with that person, regardless of whether they make you nervous or because you want to share something you can't share with anyone else. and i totally agree with hip hip gin gin's 'censorship'. A little bit of patience goes a long way 🙂
Tonia says
First there should be The Fear: that you'll say the wrong thing, that he won't feel the same way, that you're on the verge of making a complete fool of yourself. Then, once you've taken that high dive, comes The Comfort: feeling so at one with that person that you really can say anything and be anything around them, knowing that they can see all the way down to the real you.
It doesn't happen that often.
SimoneV says
Freeeee Speeeech!!!
To do and say as you want with them.
That is an aspect of true love 🙂