My sister is in the hospital – again. I haven’t gone into much detail about her issues, but honestly, I just don’t know what to do anymore. Her bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder have given way to an intense Xanax dependency. If any one you have dealt with the mental health world, you’ll know exactly how I feel: It’s heartwrenching, frustrating and furious all wrapped up in a gigantic bubble of fear. There’s so much more uncertainty than there ever was with any of my surgeries or hospitalizations. With those, it was simple: The doctors could pinpoint the exact ailment, treat it with surgery and in two months, I’d be fit as a fiddle again. Everything, now though, feels like the wheel in Wheel of Fortune. It’s anybody’s guess where it will stop.
I’m so scared. I’m so afraid. I hate living in this state of worry, even when she’s not even home. I should be taking this time to rest both my mind and my body. I’m not. Lately, it’s all I can do to go to work and come home. Some nights (like Monday night ), I just broke down and sobbed. I felt like I was choking on all the positive inspiration I was trying to give myself. I want so very much for her to be well, for her to want to get her life back.
And at the same time, I want my life back, and I want my mother to get her life back. I don’t want to live in this heightened state of hyper alertness, constantly being so codependent on her moods and so fixated on her life. It’s not healthy – for any of us.
But how do you pull back and still support your loved one? Where is that line in the sand that you just won’t cross? Sometimes, I feel like I should hsve been able to prevent my father’s suicide, and now I feel like if I could just do something, anything, that I could make everything right. That I could somehow take the pain away that my sister is sinking in. That I’m sinking in. 
But I know I can’t. I know, deep down, that it has to come from her. But when will it? When will she be able to say, “I don’t want to live my life in and out of the hospital anymore,” and mean it?
So…after all this emotional outpouring, I could use all your prayers, positive thoughts or even just a funny joke right now.
My sister is my best friend. She’s my little sister. And I want her back. Where is that light at the end of the tunnel?
[Photos by Elizabeth Weinberg]
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Hollie says
aww, Melissa! I hope she gets well soon, but like you said, it has to come from her. I'll be thinking about you and your family.. in the mean time, you should get yourself a Barq's and watch a funny movie! :]
Anonymous says
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Melissa Blake says
thanks, hollie! Maybe i'll watch shag!! xoxo
lucy beth says
i'm so sorry to hear that all of this is happening; your sister and you are most definitely in my prayers. i'll be thinking of you this week! 🙂 xx
Jude says
I'm so very sorry to hear, Melissa! Of course it's difficult (I've had so many people I love go through this), and frustrating, and your reaction is because you love and care for her. But rou're right on the money about needing to take care of yourself too. Take in some fresh air outside (with Fall around the corner :)), stare at nature or something lovely. Sending lots of good vibes.
Signe says
I'm sorry to hear that both you and your family have gotten more than your fair share of hardships in life!
I'll keep my fingers crossed for a brighter future for all of you and that your sis gets well some day
PoetessWug says
I have friends that have gone through this and allowed their own health to deteriorate right along with the one battling with bipolar disorder. Problem is, then you have 2 unhealthy people to worry about! Remember that your sister is not this disorder! Her thought process is not 'her'! Bipolar disorder is like having another person in the house to take care of, but it does help to think of it in the 3rd person. Let your sister love and thoughts stay as they always were. That's just my thoughts…someone who has had a family member who also dealt with mental issues.
ag. says
melissa, although i can not begin to understand what you are going through, i only hope you know you have so much positive support and so many prayers directed your way. you, your sister and your family are in my thoughts!
as for jokes, i'm terrible at telling them…these are the few i always remember…
what did the 0 say to the 8?…nice belt
what did the 0 say to the 10?…nice one
corny, yes, but i hope it puts a smile on your face!
Beautiful Things says
h honey. I can really feel your pain throughout this post.
Of course you're going to feel that if you just said the right words or did the right thing it would all come right, you're only human but it's NOT your fault anymore that it would be your fault or your responsibility if she had mumps or something.
In my opinion, the best thing you could do for her, your mum and yourself is to take a step back, try and distance yourself emotionally, ( I know that sounds cold but think of it this way – doctors need emotional distance in order to treat their patients effectively). Don't allow yourself to be drawn into her moods – leave the room if you have to.
I have a cousin who struggles with mental illness & the only way I can deal with it is, if she starts talking crazy is to tell her bluntly not to be so silly or if she starts trying to manipulate me or gets aggressive tell her outright not to be so rude or I'm going home & actually leave if she ignores me. Funnily enough, according to the rest of the family, she's the most stable when she's with me.
I'm not saying this would work with your sister, it's just my experience with a similar situation.
All the best. Hope things improve soon. xxx
A "cheery" disposition says
Melissa, I hate hearing you and your family are going thru this hard time. I know a little about what it is like. A dear friend was going thru the same thing with her brother and while I try to feel her pain, I am sure it is so much harder when it is closer to home. If you need anything you know I am here. You and your family is in my prayers. I hoe your sister gets thru this.
Anonymous says
Melissa, I've been there. I know that pain, frustration… and yes, even anger.
My aunt struggled with Bipolar Disorder her entire life – and the worst part was that, with the exception of my mother, the family refused to acknowledge there was a problem that needed to be treated. Instead, my aunt played everyone (with the exception of my mom, with whom she knew it wouldn't work) like a musical instrument; the denial allowed my aunt to manipulate the entire family, and my mother was the one who often ended up the family punching bag.
I'm telling you this because it sounds to me that you and your family are already doing everything to help your sister, And so, there is a light at the end of the tunnel! In the meantime, I agree with Beautiful Things; step back. Take care of yourself. Be well.
Here's a joke that I heard from Grover on Sesame Street: "Today it is raining cats and dogs! I know because I just stepped in a poodle!" 🙂 🙂 🙂
Melissa says
This post is so very touching. Melissa, from reading your blog, I can sense that you are an incredible and strong person. Stay strong and resilient, I know you can! I'm sending very, very positive thoughts your way in this difficult time.
Gilding Lilies says
All my best wishes are with you my friend. It bkoke my heart a bit to hear your story. I wish you and you sister all the best. I can only imagine how difficult this is. I'm sending a hug to you, wishing I could do more.
Liesl @ FabulousFashions4SensibleStyle says
I am so sorry about your sister, Melissa, and how you are feeling right now, but I truly admire your openness and honesty!
I'm sending extra smiles your way and know that you are strong enough to get through this!
Liesl 🙂
Erin says
Melissa, in know way could you have prevented uncle brians passing. You know that you three were his world!
i know how you feel about janelle. i wish there was something i could do to help her. =/
you and aunt Sharon just hang in there!
Anna Liesemeyer says
Melissa- you have my prayers -really and truly.
Make sure and take some time away in the week for you- so you are not drowning in the emotional toil surrounding your sister.
There is always a light at the end of the tunnel if we can hold out to see it!
<3
Simply Melissa says
Melissa, I felt the emotion behind your writing. I'm so sorry you're going through a difficult time. If I was there with you, I would make you a nice cup of Sleepytime tea and offer you a refreshing nap. It's the little things right now that matter. Don't stress about it. Just offer your sister all your love, it's something we all could use.
My thoughts are with you <3
Anna Walker says
Oh My Gosh! I am so sorry. Honestly though, it's not all her fault. she does have the mental illness, BUT she could control it better with medicine and therapy. Tell her that you'll support her no matter what but try to explain how her actions are pretty much ruining both you and your mom's lives…
It's tough I know. :/
Stacey says
I'm sorry to hear that Melissa. I'll keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. I'm sending tons of positive energy your way.
Melissa Blake says
Thanks for all the support. I'll definitely pass on the well wishes to my sister.
She's coming home tomorrow, so I'm trying to brace myself. It's just hard knowing how many times she's been in the hospital in the last year.
But I shall roll (literally!) onward! xoxo
Melissa Blake says
And ag — looove those jokes! I'm going to have to remember that zero one!
letterstobetsy says
That is quite heart breaking and I am sad to hear about your sister. I certainly will keep her in my thoughts and pray for her to feel better and to have some comfort.
xoxo
KC
SOiNTOiT says
mmmm…what have you done for yourself lately?
Beatriz says
I am so glad I dropped by your blog today. Your photos and heartfelt words are just so authentic and real. Please take care of yourself through all this. Because you're right. You can't make her change. It has to come from her. It's so easy to feel powerless, exhausted and alone when life challenges us this way. It's so important to not get lose yourself in it while you do your best to be supportive in a world of chaos.
I always fall back to the same words of wisdom to help myself reach balance in a situation when I have little control:
"Do what you can, where you are, with what you have".
Sometimes there's only so much you can give. And as people we have to find peace in that or we'll drown in our own emotions.
Good luck darling. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
All my Love,
B.
thatgirlinpearls.com
Associate Girl says
Oh sweet girl – Buy yourself some orange gerbera daisies for your desk and leave the rest up to God.
La Feem says
Everyone creates their own destiny, you are only able to create your own. Your sister is making a choice..you have to be able to separate yourself from it and still support her. She needs holistic healing, it's the only way in situations like this…yoga, mediation, homeopathy, herbs, acupuncture etc…stay strong!! It will all work out as it should in the end. xo
Anonymous says
I know how difficult it can be to have someone who has mental health and addiction issues. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. And please take some time to take care of yourself.
Anonymous says
I wish I knew the answer. I am in a similar position as you. My sister is addicted to drugs and I believe the cause is undiagnosed depression. I have gone through all her dramatic ups and downs and it even started to affect my work. I would like to help her, but you can only do so much then it is up to the person themselves. It is especially hard if a mental disorder is involved because they may not even realize that they need help and in my case the state cannot mandate help. It's sad to think back to how everything was 10-15 years ago when we were growing up together. As the years went by and her problems got worse we have grown apart. I start to blame myself thinking if I had reached out to her before this got so bad, maybe I could have prevented it. Right now I am just distancing myself. I can't allow her to pull me into a downward spiral since I know this is now up to her. She has been placed in rehab before only to leave after the first day. She is still with her abusive boyfriend/drug supplier. My wedding is coming up and I start to think that mine might be the only one in our family due to her dying because of her drug use or getting beaten up or just living a life on the streets. I don't know what to tell my other friends/relatives when they ask what she has been up to all this time. How did our happy family come to this?! If you would have told me this when I was 10 I wouldn't have believed it. Anyway, you're in my prayers.
Melissa Blake says
Anon, you just wrote my thoughts exactly! Like you, I had a great childhood…so how did we get here? It doesn't make sense, which makes things even more frustrating.
But, please, look forward to your wedding. It is YOUR day!
Melissa Blake says
Again. I can't thank you all enough for these kind words! Wish I could give you all big hugs!
thelayeredpancake says
i am so so sorry to hear this. i couldn't imagine what i would do in your situation, you are such a strong person. hugs and prayer.
DreamCatcher says
sorry to hear about your sister. hope things are better now.
just wanted you to know how much I love the photos in this post. well actually not just them but a whole lot more. i call them inspire me photos. do you actually take most of these? and what camera do you use?
well, thank you again so much! keep on sharing them!!