Dad, you would have been 59 years old today. That fact alone just boggles my mind. What would you look like today? Would you have changed a lot over the course of the last 7 years? I know I have. It’s been a pretty tough week leading up to today. Well, really, who am I kidding? It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions for the past 7 years, but your birthday always hits my heart extra hard.
I know I’ve been angry and frustrated with you, but what I’ve never told anyone, maybe not even myself? Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder what life would be like if you were still here. Sometimes I wonder if there is another me – another version of my life – living in some alternate universe somewhere, a universe where you never got cancer, a universe where you never committed suicide, a universe where I wouldn’t know what it feels like to miss you so much that sometimes I don’t know what to do. And of course a universe where I wouldn’t have so much anger toward you. I hate that anger. I really do. I don’t want to be angry with you. I want to miss you. I want to remember those good times we had without the volcano of anger always bubbling up just below the surface.
I wonder what that would feel like. Every single day. And I sometimes wonder, too, what I’d say to you if I had the chance. Would I be able to keep that anger at bay long enough to say the things I really want to say? Things like, “Thank you for giving me the best childhood I could have ever asked for, despite my disability.” Things like, “Thank you for giving me the foundation for becoming such a strong woman and never giving me a single reason to doubt your love and faith in me.” Things like, “There are so many things you’ve missed, and so many things I wish you could have been here to see.”
Could I not say the things I don’t want to say but always feel? Things like how I can’t fathom how you could ever leave your family, the people you always loved more than anything in the world. Things like I sometimes hate it when the littlest things remind me of you, like a green field in the summer and how you’d let us play outside for hours, until the lightning bugs came out to play and the sky began transforming into hues of orange and pink. Things like you left me just when I felt like I needed you the most, a time when I was in college and needed your guidance on that road to adulthood. Now, it seems like it’s a road I’ve had to try to navigate on my own, without a road map. And you know what? I hate it. It never had to be this way. I didn’t want it to be this way. And I like to think that deep down, if you had only thought about it a little more, you wouldn’t have wanted it to be this way, either.
So I’ll try to smile when I remember you today. And I hope, wherever you are right now, that you’re smiling too. I hope you’re proud of the woman your little girl in that green field has grown up to be. I love you, Dad. xoxo
In The Pursuit of Happiness: Susan Sarandon on aging
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Aura says
You're such a strong woman, Melissa. As a new reader, I had no idea about this. Keep a smile on your face today, and I'll be thinking of you.
Miss Vintage Vixen says
Dearest Melissa:
I agree with Aura… you're really a big role model for a lot of people, and I know I look up to you, a lot… I'm really sorry… I had no idea about this, either…
I hope that today your day will be filled with a lot of good memories and happy things…
…you are such a wonderful woman, Melissa, don't you ever forget it.
Love {always!},
Jessica
Stacey says
I agree with the other two responses…you're truly an inspiration and i wish your dad a happy birthday too. xo
Rasha @ {andthisiswhatshesaid} says
Cute pictures. Happy birthday to your father!
Hollie says
This is such a sweet letter to your dad. Happy birthday to him.. and I wish for you a day of happy memories of him. :] Your strength is truly an inspiration, Melissa.
Torn says
I was just crying at work, had to stop to get tissues… chin up and happy birthday to your dad!
Anonymous says
Happy birthday to your dad. I only just my first mom's birthday without her, and I bet they just get harder.
Penny Dreadful says
This is so sweet and sad. I only just saw your blog for the first time this morning and your write wonderfully.
Tonia says
What a very moving post: it is difficult to be that honest about how a suicide can feel to those left behind, and anger is a normal feeling. It doesn't mean he loved you any less, or that your love for him is somehow devalued.
Sending some hugs over the ocean.
Khak says
Melissa,
I wish your father the happiest of al birthdays today! May this be the year that you learn to let go of the anger and celebrate his life! I too had a father commit suicide, I did not know that we shared this. Your honesty is a breathe of fresh air. XO
My Owl Barn says
This is such a heart warming post. Happy birthday to your dad.
Anonymous says
Happy Birthday to your father. I hope he found the peace he so longed for.
ag. says
Melissa, your honesty is amazing. To open up the way you do is so beyond me and I look up to you for being able to write the way you do without holding back such personal feelings. Just amazing…
And such cute photos too, love that second one!
Toutou Ly says
I don't know what it feels like to not have a father around, so I read this post and it struck many different strings in my heart. I wouldn't be able to deal with life so easily if my dad wasn't around. I wish the best for you and the memories you have with your dad.
Linz says
i cried when i read this post. i'm sorry you had to go through such a horrible event…but yes, i get the sense (like everyone else) that you're strong and just the fact that you want to smile when you remember your father is testament to your healing and your strength.
Seyma says
oh Mel, i love your dignity and sensitivity in every possible way.. you are such a doll and i love you for so many reasons which include your angel heart..
happy belated bday to your dad.. he'd be so proud of you right now..
love.xoxo
Cecilia says
You have me tearing up. You really have a way with words. I had no idea about your dad, and I completely feel for you. You're so strong and such a great person. Your dad would be extremely proud. Everyone should be.
Associate Girl says
Oh honey. This is beautiful. Life is never the same after you lose a parent – it changes you. He would want you to smile today. I'm glad you are trying to – and he would be very proud. XO Associate Girl
Coastal Belle says
I've been reading you for a while now and this post made me cry. I lost my father to cancer 4 years ago and you said everything that I feel. I'm thinking about you today!
Melissa Blake says
Thanks for these kind comments. It's been a hard day; I did my share of crying, but my mom and I went to see Ramona and Beezus, which made me smile. 🙂
Danica says
Melissa, I know your dad would want to see you smiling and through the pain he was experiencing, couldn't see the pain that his loss would cause. He was a most excellent and loving father and you were so lucky to have him. I think you acknowledge that so well in your writing, even through the anger. Anger is ok too!
Danica
abigail says
how could any father not be proud of a woman like you? He must be grinning ear to ear somewhere.
I hope you were able to smile when you remembered him today, and I am glad you were with your mom.
melissa kaye says
Aww..I'm sure your dad would be very proud! You are a wonderful person, Melissa! I may not comment all the time but I keep up with your inspiring posts. 😉
Muah!
xo
Anonymous says
i wish i could find something to say about this, but, i just couldn't. i do wish your father a very happy birthday, melissa.
johnnie L says
Hi Melisa,
I enjoyed reading your story. Bet you
had a good relationship with your dad. I just wish mine with my daugther(well god daughter actually)is just like yours. by the way is it ok if I share your story on my blog?
CLAIRE STAR says
I only discovered your blog yesterday, but I was so moved to have read your beautiful letter to your father, even though I know little about you. Crazy thing, this internet? Your dad must have been a lucky man to have you in his life, and thank you for sharing this with us. You are such a strong woman!
CLAIRE STAR says
I only discovered your blog yesterday, but I was so moved to have read your beautiful letter to your father, even though I know little about you. Crazy thing, this internet? Your dad must have been a lucky man to have you in his life, and thank you for sharing this with us. You are such a strong woman!
Melissa Blake says
Johnnie — sorry I'm JUST now seeing this. Of course you can share my story on your blog. I'm just headed over to your blog now. 🙂
johnnie L says
thanks Melissa,
the story is up.and thanks for dropping by my blog as well.you have a good day and God Bless
the lil bee says
Well, I guess this is what I get for clicking away through old posts. I don't think I knew this about your dad, Melissa. I am without words, and so sad that you've had to go through this. I see how close my daughters are to their dad, and the thought of them not having him in their lives would just break my heart. I lost my father, too, but in a way it was easier because I was very young. My heart goes out to you. I know this is an old post, so I hope I don't make you upset by seeing a comment about your dad unexpectedly. But sometimes it's nice to get a little reminder of how much the people in your life love you, and how they're always still with you. I know that's something that makes me feel better on tough days, at least. Thinking of you, especially in this coming month:) xx
World Financial Group Company says
you're truly an inspiration and i wish your dad a happy birthday too….